The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (4 page)

Well, Sister Mary Justin said God sends people to Purgatory just like you send people to The Phantom Zone only God doesn’t have a Purgatory Machine. He just does it. And so Robert and me was thinking that if we ever go to Purgatory when we die then you could press the White Button and get us out. And then we wouldn’t have to keep praying so much. And then we could write you more letters and maybe we could even start a Superman Fan Club. And I know this is very mixed up, but since you have Super branes we know you’ll figure it out. Thank you very much.

Your friend,

JERRY and ROBERT SIPANNO

PS: Did you ever find that piece of Kryptonite and Sister Mary Justin’s brests?

DEAR SUPERMAN,

The other day Robert said maybe Superman was really God and I laughed. He said maybe Superman is really God just like Clark Kent is really Superman because you and God both can send people to Purgatory. I told Robert I would write and ask you just in case he might be right. So could you please tell us if you’re really God and if Superman is just your secret identity and we promise we won’t tell anybody else? Not even anybody who might join our Superfan Club when we start it. Thank you.

Your friend,

JERRY CHARIOT

PS: If you’re God then me and Robert will pray a lot more but we’ll still write letters.

Dear Man of Steel,

I hope you don’t mind if I put two letters in one envelope but I just figured something out and so I told Robert and so now we don’t think you’re God anymore. I told Robert that The Phantom Zone and Purgatory can’t be the same place since when people get out of The Phantom Zone they come back to Earth and they don’t go to Heaven. And so if you can’t send people to Heaven then you can’t be God. Robert said he had to think about it because he had a funny feeling you’re still God. But even if you’re not, we still hope you’ll press the White Button and get us out of Purgatory if we happen to go there. Thank you very much again.

YOUR PALS,

Jerry and Robert

PS: Remember that Superfan Club I was telling’ you about? Well, I think I should be President but Robert don’t. He thinks he should be President. And so we decided that you should decide. We both think we would be good Presidents except I think I would be better. So could you hurry up and tell us so we’ll know? Thank you.

DEAR CLARK KENT, if you know what I mean,

Me and Robert know a lot about you but we won’t say it here in case somebody picks this up off your desk or something and guesses what you don’t want them to guess. Especially Lois Lane who thinks you’re Superman—isn’t that dumb Ha-Ha! (I put that in just in case.) Anyway, the reason we’re sending this letter to you is because we know you see Superman sometimes and we want you to tell him something for us the next time you see him which might be any minute if you know what I mean. Tell him we found that Kryptonite meteor which wasn’t really Kryptonite but we burried it anyway just in case there was Kryptonite inside of it. So now he don’t have to worry if he flies over the Duck Rock where me and Robert have our new Secret Hiding Place ever since Old Lady Holbrook caught us in our old one and told my dad. The Duck Rock is a lot better anyway because it’s REAL big and it sticks WAY up in the air and if you fell off the top you’d probly get killed unless you knew how to fly. Which I don’t yet. Which is why my mom said I was NEVER allowed to climb up on top and neither is any of the other kids and that’s why me and Robert picked it. Because everybody else is chicken to climb on the Duck. And because it’s a real good spot to land on. And because it’s real easy to find especially if you got X-ray Vision. Which 
reminds me. Would you also tell Superman that it don’t matter if he looks at Sister Mary Justin’s brests or not because Robert asked his older brother Bruno if nunns have brests and Bruno said if she didn’t have brests then she would be a priest. But tell Superman we said thank you for trying very much anyway.

Sincerly Yours,

JERRY CHARIOT and ROBERT SIPANNO

  

Dear SUPERMAN,

Every time I pick up one of your books I see Lois Lane is trying to bother you by trying to figure out your Secret Identity and I don’t know why you still like her so much. I mean Jimmy Olsen doesn’t do things like sneaking up from behind and trying to cut your hair to see if the sizzors will break because your hair is indestructable like everything else you have. I know Lois worships the ground you fly over and she even wants to merry you but if she REALLY loved you then she wouldn’t bother you so much and she would just love you whoever you are like me and Robert do. Doesn’t she know that if everybody knew you was really Clark Kent then everybody would want to come and see you and go for a ride on your back and bother you all the time? And then you wouldn’t have time to get scoops or save people or play with your Superdog Krypto. Me and Robert was thinking maybe we should write Lois a letter and tell her not to be so nosey. But we thought we should ask you first so what do you think?

Love,

JERRY and ROBERT

PS: Do you really think you might get merried to Lois Lane someday? Or are you waiting to see if maybe you could find a girl with Super powers like your cousin Supergirl who you can’t merry because she’s your cousin? My mother said that Negro people shouldn’t merry anybody else except other Negro people, just like Catholics are only allowed to merry Catholics and nobody should ever merry a Jew. Not even the Protestents. So me and Robert decided that if my mom believed in you then she’d want you to merry somebody who’s Super instead of normel. But she don’t anyway and neither does my dad or Buster or Sister Mary Justin. So me and Robert thought about it for a LONG time and we decided you should merry ANYBODY you want to. Except maybe Lois Lane. And then if you merried somebody who’s normel then maybe I could merry somebody who’s not normel like your cousin Supergirl. I love Supergirl a HOLE LOT even almost as much as I love you, Superman. So long.

JERRY AGAIN

  

PS: By the way, is Supergirl a Catholic?

Dear SUPERFRIEND,

Yesterday I started to write you a letter and tell you how I would be a better President than Robert because I’m learning how to fly and be just like you and that’s why I practice every day unless Old Lady Holbrook is around. But then Robert came in and he saw me writing it and he got REAL mad because it was the first time I ever wrote a letter without him. And he wouldn’t talk to me and he wouldn’t let me read the latest SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY 
OLSEN or anything. And today in school when we went to the lavatory he wouldn’t even whisper to me like he usually does when Sister Mary Justin’s outside waiting. He just looked at his thing and I just looked at my thing and we didn’t say anything. And so after school I decided to tell him how he could be President if he wants. Only he said we shouldn’t have a President or a Vice President or anything because we’ll just have us. And this way we’ll NEVER have to fight anymore unless we want to. And so now you don’t have to worry about which one you’re gonna pick anymore. We know you was having a hard time deciding and that’s why you took so long because you like both of us a lot. So do we. So goodby.

Your Superfans,

JERRY and ROBERT