The Last Testament: A Memoir

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First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition November 2011

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Designed by Ruth Lee-Mui

Manufactured in the United States of America

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Javerbaum, David.

The last testament / God (with David Javerbaum).

—1st Simon & Schuster hardcover ed.

p. cm.

1. Religion—Humor. 2. God—Humor. I. Title.

PN6231.R4J38 2011

818’.607—dc23

2011021981

ISBN 978-1-4516-4018-2 (print)
ISBN 978-1-4516-4024-3 (eBook)

To anyone who’s ever been told

“T
HOU SHALT NOT
” . . .

and obeyed.

TABLET OF CONTENTS

PROLOGUE

AGAINESIS

Smitus (“On Natural Disasters”)

Corrections (“On Errata”)

REDUXODUS

Jewed (“On the Chosen People”)

Glossy Ones (“On Celebrities”)

SEMITICUS

Sell-A-Thonians (“On America”)

Facts (“On Unsolved Mysteries”)

Games (“On Sports”)

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO DAD

Fillemin (“Godlibs”)

Pleader (“On Prayer”)

Effusions (“On My Favorite Things”)

KORANICLES

Hindus (“. . . and Other Heathens”)

Fallopians (“On Abortion”)

1,400 YEARS OF SANCTITUDE

Collations (“Recipes”)

Romance (“On Sex, Love, and Marriage”)

REVELATION

PRE-MISINTERPRETATIONS

Acknowledgments

Photo Credits

Index

PROLOGUE

¹
I
n the beginning, I took a lunch with Daniel Greenberg of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency.

²
For the future of print was without hope, and void; and darkness had fallen upon the face of the entire publishing industry.

³
So one day Daniel, my agent, whom I have been with forever; by which I do not mean literally “forever,” as I started out unrepresented, but a good 25 years or so;

⁴
Anyway, Daniel got us a table at Balthazar; for he knows someone there.

⁵
So we met, and exchanged pleasantries, and sat down, and caught up; and in time I coyly came around to asking him why he wanted to see me, although I knew, and he knew that I knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew; but lo, this is how the game is played.