The Letting (20 page)

“You say you do.” I pull away. “But it really comes down to trust.” My chest tightens as I speak to him. “Look at the way you reacted when I held Farnsworth’s hand.”

“I was jealous.” His eyes mirror mine. Despite how exciting it seems—that Phoenix likes me so much the sight of me with another boy makes him jealous—I know there’s so much more to it than that.

“It’s not just jealousy,” I say, softly. “It’s trust. If you trusted me, you would have known I was obligated to hold Farnsworth’s hand, for one reason or another. You would have felt sorry for me, not angry with me. For God’s sake, Phoenix, you asked me if he was my boyfriend. After all this time, you still think it’s possible I could be lured in by Farnsworth? I don’t know if Phoenix the Revolutionary can ever really trust Veronica Billings. And without trust, Phoenix, we have nothing.” It breaks my heart, but I begin to back away from him. I wince when my foot hits a stone. I feel a trickle of blood squirt up from between my toes.

“You’re hurt.” He points to my foot.

“Yes.” My chest feels like it’s caving in on itself. I look at him and wonder if deep inside he understands the hurt I’m feeling is not from my foot. It’s from my heart.

Chapter Sixteen

I can’t stand here, staring at him anymore. It’s too painful, and I’m just running out of time. Whatever Phoenix has planned for his revolution, he had planned long before me. And I’m sure he’ll complete it successfully without me. But I’m not the same as I was before I met Phoenix. Not in any way imaginable. Now I understand about the atrocities of the world we live in, and I need to do whatever I can to change them. At the very least, I need to save Lilly, Violet, and Raven even if they are the only three I ever save. My heart grows heavy when I realize Lulu was not on my short list.

I turn away from Phoenix and walk to the old shed that stands not far from the waterfront. I push open the door and fight my way in through the cobwebs. In the darkness it is nearly impossible to see, but I manage to find a piece of wood that may be wide enough to serve as a board; one hinge, though I probably need two or three; a short, old, rusty, but very strong pipe; and two old horse reins with bridles attached. This is just going to have to do. I also find screws and a screwdriver. That’s just lucky. It takes me two trips to lug everything to the dock, and Phoenix is still standing on the beach, staring at me.

“Do you need help?” he asks.

“No thank you,” I respond, immediately getting to work. Quickly I pull the board so the majority of it overhangs the dock. The board is heavy and the weight pulls me forward, toward the lake. I curse under my breath, knowing I’m about to fall in. Suddenly the weight of the board lessens tremendously, and I see Phoenix has come to help me. In the interest of time, I don’t protest. It is difficult to work in this silly dress, but I don’t have an option. I squat down to better position the board and the side of my gown rips up to mid-thigh. My eyes dart up to Phoenix who has most certainly noticed. My cheeks grow warm and my body longs for him. Just having him so close may be more than I can bear. With every breath, I wonder how he can smell so good, even though he is a rebel, living in the woods. Then I realize I have no idea where he lives. “Do you have a cabin?” I ask, as I place the pipe under the board. He holds the board steady for me.

“Yes, a ways from here.” The pipe slips and the edge of the board smashes against his finger. “Damn it,” he curses beneath his breath, shaking his hand.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Grabbing his hand, I examine his finger. “Do you think it’s broken?”

“No.” He flexes his hand. “No.” He lifts his hand and strokes my hair. It is too much.

“Phoenix,” I whisper, feeling my body respond to his touch in ways I’ve never felt before. “Being near you, it just—”

“I know. It’s the same for me, too.”

“But I meant what I said.” I look up at him.

“I know you did.” His hand lingers behind my head.

“Phoenix,” I whisper, “I want nothing more than to fall against you, right here on this dock. To feel your arms around me. To have you kiss me again. But I can’t and I won’t do anything until I know you trust me.”

“I do.”

“I know you think you do. Your brain says you do. But your heart needs to lead on this one. If and when you can ever really trust me, then let’s make a date to meet again, right here, exactly as we are tonight.”

“Okay,” he agrees, resolutely letting his hand drop to my shoulder. “Can I just ask one thing?”

“What?”

“Will you wear that dress?” He smiles at me and I smile back, both of us sharing a carefree moment in the middle of hell.

“It’s a deal.”

“Want to seal it with a—”

“Phoenix.” I put my hand up. It takes all of my willpower to block his kiss. But I simply will not kiss him if he doesn’t think enough of me to trust me. “We need to get to work.”

He nods and scratches his head. “But Ronnie?” he asks.

“Yeah?”

“What the hell are you building anyway?”

“A diving board, of course.” I refit the rusty pipe and use the reins and bridles to tether the board to the dock.

“Of course. Everyone builds a diving board in the middle of the night while they’re waiting for the Principal Leader and his entourage.”

“They would if they promised that Principal Leader a diving lesson.”

“Ah,” Phoenix laughs, tossing his head back. “So that’s how you convinced him.”

“Yup.”

“And all this time I thought it was the dress.”

“That didn’t hurt,” I say, smiling. He smiles back at me. “Come on, we’ve got to screw this hinge on and pray for the best. The rusty pipe is good. Makes it look like it’s been up against the elements for a long time.”

“Thoughtful touch.” We adjust the board and test the tethers a few times.

“Well, I guess the only thing left to do is to try it.”

“Want me to do the honors?” he asks. “In case it breaks? If it holds my weight, it’ll certainly hold Farnsworth.”

“No, thanks, I’ve got this. Believe me, he’s pretty slight. There’s no way he weighs as much as me.”

I stand up and walk over to the board. Tentatively, I put one foot on then the other. I stand in the middle, but still I feel myself spring against the wood. Then the pipe rolls and I lose my balance. Phoenix grabs me by the arm and helps steady me.

“Thanks,” I whisper. Slowly he removes his hand from my arm. The pipe finds its way into a groove on the dock, and the board feels much sturdier. “Here goes.” I inch my way out to the end of the board where it is overhanging the dock.

“Wait,” Phoenix hollers. I turn back to him. “Are you jumping in, in that dress?”

“I don’t really see much of an option, do you?” I ask.

“Not one you’ll approve of.” He flashes the largest smile I have ever seen from Phoenix.

“Hm. Thought so. Now stand back or you’ll get splashed.”

“No way.”

“Fair warning.” I back up on the board. I let myself run the two or three steps and then I put my arms into the air. I spring up and suddenly I am flying. I crash into the water and swim a few long, deep strokes before I pull myself up for a breath. My head pops through, and I grin at Phoenix. It feels every bit as good as I told Farnsworth it would. “It’s incredible,” I exclaim, while treading water.

“See? Completely dry,” he teases, pointing to his clothes.

“I didn’t mean my dive would get you wet.” I splash Phoenix.

“Hey.” He backs away from the dock. I splash him again and his fatigues get soaked. “Hey. Watch out for my gun.” He holds it out from his body.

“I take no prisoners.” I splash him again.

“You asked for it,” he warns, laughing. Before I realize what is happening, Phoenix pulls off his gun and jumps in after me. He swims steadily and quickly. “You want to get splashed?” He pushes me under. I come up seconds later, laughing.

“You’re soaked,” I giggle.

“You too.”

We tread water, side by side.

“Yes,” I agree. “But I have a change of clothes back in my cabin. Do you? Do you still have those jeans you wore on that first day we met? All I ever see you in now are those fatigues and that horrible brown outfit of the Harvesters. Where did you ever get that, anyway?”

“I had it.”

“What? So one of your revolutionaries was a Harvester and you took his old uniform?”

“Not exactly,” Phoenix discloses, the joy leaving his face.

“Well, what then?”

“It was mine.”

“Yours?” I ask, growing tired from the swim. “Yours like you took it from a Harvester during a revolutionary battle?”

“No. Mine. Like it was my uniform.”

“You were a Harvester?” I ask, stunned.

“Yes.” He looks at me long and hard. Beads of water drop from his hair down his face.

“Back at the helicopter pickup when you were dressed in their uniform, you asked me how I could have even thought that. And I felt so horrible for asking. But I was right? How?”

“I didn’t know. Once I knew what they were, I—”

“I can’t believe this,” I shout, swimming to the dock.

“Ronnie?” he pleads, swimming after me. “I thought you of all people—”

“Me of all people?” I yell, trying to catch my breath while crawling up on to the dock.

He is right beside me.

“Me of all people…? You…you lying hypocrite.” I drag myself to my feet.

“Ronnie, wait. Listen—”

“No, you listen to me. All this time I’ve thought I wasn’t good enough for you. That you were some saint who fell from heaven to save us all. But the truth is, your past is no better than mine.”

“That’s not true,” he blurts. “I harvested maybe a few dozen. You led hundreds of girls to the Lettings.”

I step back, appalled. As soon as he says it, he realizes what he’s said.

“Ronnie, listen.” He tries to take my hand. I push him away.

“No. No,” I repeat with tears streaming down my face. I turn away and begin to walk toward the path that leads to camp. After a few steps, I turn back. “Do you know the worst part?” I ask him, letting the tears fall freely. “The worst part isn’t how you made me feel. The worst part is how you judge everyone else based on the hatred you have for yourself. You can’t trust me, because you don’t trust yourself. And after all this time worrying if I was too stupid for you, or not perfect enough for you…after all that, I realize the problem isn’t with me. It’s with you.”

I step away and squeeze some of the water out of my dress. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I snip, “I have to go hunt up some mushrooms. Then soon, I have to pretend to be awakened by Farnsworth. And in a few hours, I have to begin to train a boy I detest, so I can detain him long enough to poison my own blood.”

“Then what?” Phoenix asks.

“Then he will take me away again, and he will Let me. And after a few transfusions, he will die. Slowly and painfully. And during that time you’d better come up big, Saint Phoenix, ’cause I’ve got nothing else.”

“Ronnie!” A tortured cry from the woods interrupts us. I turn, panicked it’s one of my girls.

“Ron—” he says.

“Shh,” I quiet Phoenix. “What was that?”

“Ronnie,” the voice calls again.

“A trap?” he asks.

“No. I know that voice. It’s weaker, but I know it…” I begin to walk toward the woods. Phoenix jogs up next to me.

“You’re not going alone.” He grabs my forearm and holds it tightly.

“Fine,” I snarl through my teeth, shaking free of him. We walk a few feet up the path, and I hear the whisper.

“Ronnie,” it cries. “Over here.” I turn and there is Gretchen, half-dead, lying on the ground.

“Gretchen.” I squat next to her. “What happened to you?” Her teeth are chattering, and the pale blue circles under her eyes are a dark gray. Her hair is knotted, and she looks like a ghost of herself. I wrap my arms around her.

“He’s out of control,” she whispers.

“Gunnar?” Phoenix asks with fierce determination. She nods.

“He’s been petitioning people in the city to join his revolution. He wants to be the new Principal Leader. But his motives are just as bad as Farnsworth’s.” She coughs as she speaks.

“Take it easy,” I say.

“What is he planning?” Phoenix asks, with no regard for Gretchen’s condition.

“A huge takeover. He wants everything that Farnsworth has: money, power, position. He wants to kill as many Leeches as he can and then move his followers into the Inferno.” She moans softly as she speaks. “He’s riled everyone up—all of those lonely men in the city—they want revenge. He wants to get even. He’s going to kill every girl in the Inferno who’s ripe, and any girl who’s blossomed will be sent to Coupling facilities with his rebels. It’s horrible, Ron. He’s a sick, sick man.”

“What’s his strategy?” Phoenix asks. His brow is furrowed, and I can see worry lines etched in his skin.

“He’s armed his followers, and he’s planning to march his masses from the city to the Inferno. All of them. He has talked every man, woman, and child into it.”

“Why wouldn’t he?” Phoenix asks. “They are tired of living in squalor, the girls being summoned to the Lettings, and the young women to the Couplings. It’s a disgrace. Any idea when he’s planning his move?”

“Yes.” She tries to breathe through a hacking cough. “He said he will march on the Inferno before the next full moon.”

“That’s no more than five days away.” Phoenix clenches his teeth.

“What do we do?” I ask them.

“That’s why I came to you.” Gretchen wheezes. “He’ll have me killed for treason, no doubt. And I wouldn’t blame you if you killed me first, after what I did to you. But I had to risk it to tell you.”

“Lulu?” I ask.

“She’s right there with him, of course.” It’s painful to listen to Gretchen speak. Her voice sounds exhausted. “She is his biggest selling point. Every mother will listen to a girl who’s escaped the Lettings, and every man will listen to Gunnar and his stories of the Inferno. The city’s like a festering boil, ready to explode.”

I can see the fear in her eyes.

“We know how to stop Farnsworth, secretly,” Phoenix tells her. “Ronnie figured it out. But then the Inferno will be without leadership. And it will be the perfect time for Gunnar to make his way to power.” Phoenix looks devastated. “So we will be replacing one tyrannical dictator with—”