The Letting (7 page)

He steps over to me and sits down directly in front of me. His look is pensive, and it’s because of me.

“I was twelve when I was told I lost my mother to the New World. I was working in a factory and hadn’t seen her in nearly four years. I never got a chance to say goodbye. I swore then and there I would stop Farnsworth and anyone else who was involved in his twisted operation.” He looks at me pointedly as he speaks. “No one is sorrier or more embarrassed than I am that it has taken me all this time to get even this close to Farnsworth. But if you were really as naïve to all of it as Gretchen believes you were, then how can you be so judgmental toward me?”

His question is honest and pure. Once again, my heart aches.

“Phoenix, I—”

He puts up his hand to silence me. “Now, after waiting six years, I refuse to miss my opportunity.”

Phoenix stands and hovers over me. I am certain he will kill me now. And why not? I acted as the enemy for all this time, and then I had the audacity to make fun of his rebellion.

He moves behind me, and I feel the light breeze he creates as he walks. I close my eyes for a moment, enjoying the reprieve from the heat of the night and the heat of the situation. I feel him stop behind me. So this is how he’ll do it, strangulation, or if I’m lucky, maybe he’ll just snap my neck. He is tall enough and strong enough for either. I keep my eyes closed and prepare for my end. I think of my mother, and of my four little souls who will be terrified without me.

He squats down behind me, and I can feel the warmth radiate off his body. I prepare for the instant of pain and my trip to the New World, but instead of his hands clasping on either side of my head, I feel them start to untie the ropes that have me bound to the stake.

The rope falls away. I turn and look up at him, dumbfounded.

“Let’s get you back to camp so you can go to the Letting.”

Chapter Five

I sit on the floor of cabin O, rubbing my tender wrists. I look at my still-sleeping girls and think how easy it would be to pretend all that happened was nothing more than a horrible nightmare. To pretend it’s a day just like any other day. To think life is once again as I believed it was. How wonderful it would be to be the one to bring these little girls to their family reunions instead of their deaths.

Despite the stifling heat, I shudder.

Then I begin to wonder. What if Phoenix and Gretchen are wrong? I have spent seven years of my life building an impeccable reputation as a Leader, and I am heralded by my government. Who are they to tell me everything I’ve done is wrong? Who are they to say I’m evil? They are the rebels. The very people we have been warned about. What if they are lying, trying to turn me into a traitor? What if they plan to use me to overthrow a bogus corrupt government and I do nothing to stop them? What if? What if? What if…?

Try as I might to convince myself otherwise, I know in my gut Gretchen is not lying to me. And I don’t know why, but for some reason, despite it all, despite her lies and my anger, I still trust her.

And then…then, there’s my mother. She is the thought I have not allowed myself to have until right this moment, as close to alone as I will ever be in the darkness of cabin O. My mother, whom I haven’t heard from in nearly four years.

Thinking of her—her creamy skin, her black hair, her candy red lips, her belt pulled tightly around her tiny waist, her hips, large and comforting—will never be the same. It can’t even be as it was yesterday.

Yesterday, I was able to imagine the woman she would be now with gray streaks in her flowing black mane, her brow creased with worry over me, and her eyes still bright and smart. And just yesterday, I allowed myself the luxury of imagining what she’d think of the young woman I’d become. But today?

Today, I can only picture her as she was. And I am aware, more and more often of my past. I am remembering only snippets of my life with her—her white hands, the bitter mushrooms, the cold air as I walked by the clock at the entrance to the park, my cot shimmying slightly as she sat down on it gracefully, the stories of the New World and the secrets of the Old.

Maybe that’s what life is, an empty scrapbook, waiting to be filled with these moments—these frozen snippets—that, strung together, make up a life. You can’t hold or touch today, yet you know it’s here. And maybe I can’t feel her anymore, but I know she existed. So today, with memory replacing imagination, I am certain she is gone.

And also, I am certain I have done much wrong.

My aching sorrow is interrupted by a faint moan. I rush to my sleeping campers and discover it is Lulu having nightmares again. She thrashes back and forth until I put my hand on her arm. Once she knows I’m here, she slips back into a sound sleep. Her blind trust in me, coupled with the realization of the loss of my mother, is too much to take. I step away from her and push the side of my hand into my mouth to keep from screaming. I bite down hard on my knuckle, tears wetting my face. I have cried so much tonight tears feel normal against my cheek, so I don’t even bother to wipe them away.

All I want to do is get up and run, to make myself free of everything, but I know Phoenix, Gunnar, and Buzzcut are all waiting in the woods, waiting for me to bolt so they have a reason to shoot me. And I would never willingly leave my girls. Not now. Not the day before the Letting. And yet, all I want to do is get away to the woods, find my mushroom, and consequently, my mother. My empty soul aches as my brain reminds me that this is the first night in seven years, I haven’t eaten a mushroom.

I draw my legs up tightly to my chest, trying desperately to come up with a plan that keeps us all alive: the girls, Gretchen, me, and even Phoenix. Perhaps it’s because he spared my life, or maybe it’s because of his belief in my importance in the revolution, but for some reason, I do not want to let him down.

After hours of sitting here trying to devise a plan, I realize Phoenix had been right. There is no easy answer here. It is impossible to solve this situation. All I know is I must save these girls: for who they are, for who they could be, and for all of the girls who’ve come before them. And if I’m going to save these little souls, I had better survive the Letting myself.

****

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know, I am startled by the sound of the bugle. Reveille is here way too early this morning. I watch the tiny shapes move under their mosquito netting, and I am suddenly paralyzed. I don’t know what to do. “Ronnie?” I hear a tiny voice ask. It’s Lulu. Her voice alone brings me to tears. “Ronnie? You okay?” she asks, sensing something is not right.

“Of course,” I manage to croak out, my throat tight. I imagine how they are seeing me: beaten, exhausted, tear-stained, and defeated. “I’m just thinking about how proud I am of all of you.” I speak with as much excitement as I can muster. Then Lulu looks directly at me, and I see the terror in her face.

“What happened?” she asks, shrinking away. Instinctively, I reach up and touch my sore cheek.

“It’s nothing,” I lie, trying to reassure her. “I had a bad fall when I went running.”

My answer seems to appease all of them except Raven. Raven eyes my injuries suspiciously. My lie makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. Instead, I force the bile down and do exactly what Phoenix has told me to do. I act as if today is any other day.

But it’s not any other day. It’s the day before I’m sent to the Letting, and more importantly, it’s the day before the beginning of the end for these four tiny people. I pray my smile masks my terror. I stand up and stretch as tall as I can. My arms reach the exposed beams along the ceiling of the cabin.

“You think I’ll be as tall as you when I grow up?” It’s Violet this time. She is obviously satisfied with the excuse I gave for my appearance. I can’t help myself. I pull her to me and begin to sob.

“Ronnie?” Lulu asks. I hear the alarm in her voice. Raven hangs close by, just far away enough, looking at me out of the corner of her eye. Just then the cabin door slams, and I turn. Gretchen is standing there, staring at me. She raises an eyebrow.

So this is it. No matter what I wanted to think, this is real. This is truly happening.

“Ronnie?” Gretchen asks in her soothing voice. “Is everything okay?”

“Of course.” I muster all my courage and strength. “I’m just so proud of our little campers in cabin O.”

Lilly and Violet turn to me, smiling. Raven is her usual quiet self, but Lulu is not convinced.

Gretchen eyes Lulu and then looks at me.

“You okay Lulu?” I ask, as calmly as I can.

“Yes.” She nods her head. “I’m just not feeling all that well.”

“What is it?” I ask her, glad for the distraction.

“My stomach feels a touch queasy.” I exhale, happy to focus on a case of butterflies.

“I get it,” I tell her. “But I promise there’s nothing to be nervous about.”

Lulu nods again.

“Now,” I say, rubbing my hands together. “We have a big day of training ahead of us, so what do you say we all head to the mess hall?”

The girls are still sleepy but eager to please me. One by one, they fold up their sleeping bags and take turns going to the latrine. Each is now wearing her regulation white and red ringer-tee and a red pair of shorts. They line up behind me and follow me out, like lambs to the slaughter.

****

Breakfast the day before the Letting is always a big deal. The usual daily breakfast of powdered milk and a protein bar is replaced with a veritable feast. Although our breakfast doesn’t change, the girls eat fried eggs with buttered toast, steak, and hash browns with spinach tossed throughout. And of course, there is the green algae drink.

I stand in line at the kitchen window and wait as each little person before me has her plate filled. Lilly has trouble seeing over the pile of food she carries. When it’s my turn at the window, I hand Willy, the cook, my cup for my powdered milk.

“Not today, Ronnie.” He sounds genuinely happy for me. “Today you get the real stuff.” He hands me back an empty cup and a loaded down plate.

One whiff of the food makes me realize I am ravenous. He smiles a warm smile at me, and I once again feel horribly guilty. I don’t deserve his warmth, and I don’t deserve this breakfast.

“Don’t even think about it.” Gretchen walks up next to me. She holds a cup of milk and a protein bar. “If you’re going to have a successful Letting,” she whispers, “you had better eat.” She hands me a glass of the green algae goo.

“And what if I don’t?” I whisper back. “What if I simply pass out and die on the table. What difference would it make?”

“Well,” she says, looking thoughtful, as if she’s really considering the option. “It would matter to Farnsworth. And it would matter to those four little girls over there.” She points at Lulu, Lilly, Violet, and Raven.

Gretchen is right. The girls would be lost without me to guide them. At least the three of them. Raven, I’m not so sure about. They are all devouring their breakfasts as we speak. I smile at them, happy to see the girls eating heartily.

“I know you love them, Ron.” Gretchen is staring at me. “Now we have to find a way to save them.” Her voice is so low it’s barely perceptible.

I nod. Then for some reason, with everything else that is happening, I wonder if it would matter to him. I ask the ridiculous question.

“Does he hate me?” I turn to Gretchen. I can hear the vulnerability in my own voice.

Gretchen looks at me, confused. She tilts her head and narrows her eyes.

“Of course he hates you,” she states, matter-of-factly. “Now let’s eat before the horn blows for first period.”

I nod, the smell of the food on my tray making me sick.

****

We sit in silence and I am amazed at how each of my girls has nearly cleaned her plate. Nervous little Lulu has eaten the most of all of them. I’m glad her nerves have calmed enough to let her eat, but the guilt I’m feeling is nearly paralyzing me.

“Eat,” Gretchen whispers and I obey.

I stuff in bite after bite of egg and steak, knowing it’s the only thing I can do to help at this moment. When I finally stop for a breath, my plate is empty. I can’t believe how hungry I’ve been.

Gretchen smiles, handing me my glass of algae goo. I chug it back as quickly as possible, wishing I had just one more bite of steak to wash the taste of algae out of my mouth.

“You can thank the Inferno for this one too.” Gretchen waves her wafer cracker breakfast bar. I just nod, fighting hard to keep the rich food down. I see some of the girls struggling with it, too. Lilly and Violet have both run off to the latrine. I follow them in, hoping they’re able to keep the food in their tiny bodies.

“Oh,” I hear coming from a bathroom stall. Since the bathroom stalls are separated by curtains, I can’t knock, so I whisper through the divider.

“Violet?” I ask. “You okay?” Before she can answer, Raven and Lulu have joined us. They stand next to me, swaying back and forth slightly, in desperate need of their turns. Lulu looks green. Maybe she’s really coming down with something. I try to banish the thought. That would be another hurdle we don’t need to face.

After I have collected my girls who have all managed to hold on to their breakfasts, the horn sounds for first period. Today is not a normal activity day for these girls. This is a day meant strictly and only for preparation. Today we’ll exercise at the waterfront. Stretching their muscles in the lake will be great for blood flow in all areas of the body in case any one of them is a tough stick. To head to their morning exercises, we have to walk a good distance down a giant hill, guarded by deep woods on both sides. I know Phoenix and the others will be hidden there, somewhere, with a rifle aimed at my head, only too happy to pull the trigger and take me out of the picture. The thought makes me shiver, even against the heat of the morning. I wince from the pain in my knee, and quietly, my little lambs scoot down the hill after me, our feet kicking up stones as we go. The girls are too quiet, and I know on a normal day, I would be working hard to keep their spirits up. I try a song.