The Lighter Side of Large (27 page)

That gets my attention. “What makes you say that?”

Mika smiles that make-you-melt smile.
Don’t think about it! Look away! It’s a trap!
I scream at myself. “You know. I haven’t been the best guy around.”

“No argument there,” I murmur. Then we both look at each other and die laughing.

Mika reaches out his hand. Tentatively, I place mine in his. “We haven’t gotten along like this since…”

“University,” I finish for him.

He nods. “You’re right. Why is that?”

I laugh again. “Don’t get me started!”

Mika smiles again.
Melt.
“You’re right; I’d better not go there.” He pauses for a moment, looking at my hand. “Thank you.”

“For what? Not going there?”

“No, silly girl,” he rubs his thumb on the top of my hand. “For this evening. For dinner. For now. For letting me come over.”

“I don’t think I had a choice in that,” I protest. Don’t think about his smile.
Don’t think about him. Don’t think about him, don’t think, pull your hand away. . .

Mika looks up and I fall into his sexy bedroom eyes. He leans closer and so do I and we kiss. It is brief and meaningful, but it is enough. There is something between us still, and I can’t help but rejoice. He may have left me for my sister, but I’ve still got a hold on him.

His hand runs up my arm. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” I murmur but make no attempt to move away.
This is stupid. Stop now before it gets out of hand.

Now he caresses my face. “I should go now. Fi seems fine. I’ll buy them a pet so you won’t have to take care of one.”

I close my eyes. “I can afford a pet, Mika. I’m not totally poor.”

Mika moves even closer, our lips inches apart. “You are poor. Bella, why will you let me give you money for surgery but not for a house or a flat? I can set you up in a nice place. You won’t have to live in this shack. How can you stand it? The kids need room to run and grow, too.”

And just like that, the magic fizzles out. I pull away from him and cross my arms. After all he’s done this afternoon and evening, I can’t believe he’s insulting my house. “The kids are fine. They’re happy. They don’t remember moving out of a huge modern house because they still live there on the weekends.”

Mika just looks at me. “So it’s a pride thing for you.”

My jaw drops. “Yes, I know it’s hard for you to believe that I still do have a shred of pride and dignity after you kicked me out of my own home.”

Mika rubs his temples. “Bella, I’m just trying to help. Why won’t you let me help? You’re the mother of my children and I still care for you.”

I laugh, but it is devoid of mirth. “You’ve got some nerve, Mika. You can’t have it both ways - ‘I still care for you, but I’m marrying your sister, but I feel guilty so let me buy my way out of that guilt’. Why don’t you rub some more salt in that wound, huh?”

Mika’s jaw stiffens. “I am not trying to buy my way out of guilty feelings.”

Now I cackle. “You abandoned me with an eighteen- month-old and two-week-old baby. You told me to get out of the house and left me to deal with parenthood and depression all alone, and you expect me to believe that you don’t feel guilty about it? You dropped the ball big time when it came to being a man and you don’t have the balls to admit it. Do you have any idea how much hurt you caused me? How devastated I was, but day after day I put on a bold face so Abe and Fi wouldn’t be affected by my pain? I don’t know about you, but I haven’t been the same since. I’m exhausted from being a single parent; I’m hurt by the insistence of my family to play nice with my sister even though she stabbed me in the back; and I’m sick and tired of your games.”

“Games? What games?” Mika protests.

“What you’re doing right now!” I practically shout.

“Hush. Don’t let the kids hear you,” Mika says.

“Maybe they need to hear what a jerk you’ve been,” I retort.

Mika gets up. “I know I haven’t been the perfect husband, but you gotta give me some credit. I do take care of the kids. I came over here to help out. I’m not the bad guy you think I am.”

I stand up. Our faces are inches apart. “What good guy abandons his wife two weeks after giving birth? I gave you my life. I dropped out of college for you. I kept house for you. I had your babies. I wrote your papers and speeches so people wouldn’t know what a complete imbecile you are at expressing yourself. And how did you thank me? You start sleeping with my sister. You divorce me. And never once have you apologised for your actions. If you’re sorry you hurt me, you’ve never said so and I doubt you ever will. If that’s not a bad guy, I don’t know what is.”

Mika holds my gaze for a long while, then turns and walks toward the door. He opens it, pauses like he’s going to say something, but doesn’t and walks out.

I breathe a sigh of relief as I hear his car’s engine rev to life and he drives away. Disappointment sinks in because he still didn’t apologise for his actions, yet I feel oddly lighthearted. All the bitterness and resentment which has defined me over the past five years is gone.

His actions and lack of remorse still annoy me, but it doesn’t seem to matter like it did.

For the first time in five years, the past doesn’t matter as much as the future.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“Life comes with ‘Stop,’ ‘Pause,’ and ‘Play,’ buttons. It is within our power to stop the negative, pause to consider our course of action, and play out a new direction or thought pattern.”

FROM BELLA’S BLOG
http://www.thelightersideoflarge.com/ch16

Will you stop checking your phone?” Sands tries to grab my phone but I whip it out of her reach.

I haven’t heard from Jae in two weeks - and it’s driving me crazy. Why won’t he call or answer my texts and emails? Is he busy with work? Did he bungee jump off a bridge and the cord broke and he died? Did he decide after kissing me that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship? He’d done nothing to indicate that he was losing interest, so what is his deal?

“Bella, forget about Jae. Tonight is about you and about celebrating. Don’t focus on what’s not here and what you don’t have. Focus on the now,” Sands lectures me as we drive through town in her car to the pub.

“I know, I know,” I say, “But why hasn’t he-”

“No buts!” Sands orders.

“Yes, there are buts!” I exclaim. “He kissed me. He asked me out on a picnic lunch. He asked me to the grand opening of his new business. He pursued me through the grocery store to ask me out on the quad bike outing. He has called, emailed, and texted up to last week. He has initiated everything between us except for first contact…”

“You make it sound like some Star Trek encounter with an alien species.”

“Can I finish? And now he disappears off the face of the planet. Did he get scared off? Did he find someone else? Why are men so frustrating?”

“Testosterone, that’s why,” Sands replies. “If men were women, they’d make sense.”

“Yeah,” I grumble.

“I’m serious, Bella. I know you really like Jae but you can’t let it ruin your evening. You can’t wait around for him to call, because you’ll be waiting forever. We’re going to let it all hang out and have a good time, right?” Sands says in her best trainer tone of voice.

“Right,” I reply, less than enthusiastically.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sands demands as we arrive at the pub.

I stare at my hands in my lap. “Guys leave me. That’s what they do. I’m just not good enough.” I may look good on the outside, but I feel like crap on the inside. To get my hopes raised, only to be disappointed to cruelly - it just isn’t fair.

“Give me a break,” Sands scoffs as she maneuvers into a parking space on the street in front of the pub. “As long as you keep saying and thinking that, that’s how it’s gonna be. Haven’t we gone over this before? Jeez, Bella, when are you gonna get a clue? ONE guy left you for your skanky sister and now just because Jae hasn’t contacted you, you assume he’s dumped you. Watch him show up at your house tomorrow with a dozen roses and see how stupid you’ll feel for speculating on what ifs. You can’t run your life on what ifs because you’ll miss out on the actual nows.”

I nod. “You’re right. You’re always right. But why doesn’t it make me feel better?”

Sands puts the car in park and turns off the ignition. “Because you need some alcohol in you. Come on.”

It’s still early so there’s not many people inside the pub, but music is playing and those who are there are lively. “What can I get you?” the bartender asks.

“I’ll have a Guinness,” replies Sands, “and my friend will have a rum and diet coke.”

“Thanks, Mum,” I say. “I can order my own drink.”

“But it has to be diet, and rum and diet coke only has about sixty calories.” Sands points out.

“Fine,” I sigh. “Rum and diet coke it is.”

As we sit at the bar, the pub starts filling up with people. We get quite a number of looks from men - of course, I’m wearing the red top Riyaan bought me and Sands is sporting a hot pink number, so we’re kind of hard not to notice.

“What time does Riyaan get off work?” I ask Sands. Riyaan made plans to meet us after his shift was over.

She points to the door. “Hey,” calls Riyaan, who strolls in wearing a suit which looks like it came from a Duran Duran video circa 1983. I stand to give him a hug. “Is that a new outfit?” I ask.

Riyaan straightens his jacket and looks over himself. “Yeah - what do you think? Too old school New Romantic?”

Sands looks skeptical. “You look like David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King.”

“Aww, I love
Labyrinth.
It’s one of my favourite movies,” says Riyaan, pleased.

“That isn’t a compliment,” Sands protests.

“I think you look handsome,” I say.

“Good,” says Riyaan, because I’m meeting a blind date here.”

Sands looks disgusted. “Riyaan, tonight is about Bella. How can you arrange for a date? That’s like, like,” she fumbles for an example, “like going to the movie theatre with someone and you see different films. What’s the point of going together?”

“I’m sorry,” he hugs my shoulder, “but my ex arranged it and said we’d really get along well.”

Sands and I die laughing. “Your ex arranged a blind date for you? And you trust him?” I ask.

“This ought to be interesting,” Sands salutes him with her beer.

Riyaan frowns. “I’m so glad you find my life amusing.” He glances at the door. “Tell me when someone walks in wearing a brick red suit. That’s what he’s supposed to wear.”

I don’t know if it is the alcohol or the looks from men or the music, but I begin to relax and enjoy myself. I find I can have fun without Jae around. Soon we’re laughing hysterically as Riyaan’s blind date walks in - a heavyset woman with no makeup in a brick red men’s suit with a butch haircut.

Riyaan cowers by the bar, trying to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. “That’s not a man!” he hisses.

“I can’t believe Diego set me up!”

“At least she’s trying to be a man,” Sands suggests.

Riyaan scans the pub. “Sorry, Bella, but I gotta get out of here. I am so going to kill Diego.”

I point behind the bar. “Back door’s that way.”

Riyaan gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Love ya. Later.” When his potential blind date is looking the other way, Riyaan slips out the back door, much to Sands’ and my merriment.

“Riyaan’s blind date looks a lot like my last blind date,” says Sands.

“You mean he looked like a lesbian with poor taste in suits?” I ask.

“Yes, to be honest.” She’s in the middle of the hilarious account when two handsome men, one blonde and one dark-haired, walk up to the bar to order drinks. The blonde turns to us. “How you doing tonight?” he smiles.

“Great,” Sands returns the smile. “We’re ready to bring on the weekend.”

“Sounds like my kind of plan,” he says. “By the way, I’m Joel,” he says.

“Sandi,” Sands replies, “and this is...”

“Isabella,” I cut in.

Joel checks us out from head to toe. “You ladies here all by yourselves?”

“Of course not,” Sands flirts. “You’re here now.”

Joel laughs, Sands giggles, and I actually chuckle instead of my usual groaning at Sands’ flirtations. “This is my brother Jacob,” Joel jerks a thumb toward the other guy.

Jacob steps out from behind him with beer in hand. “Ladies, how you doing?”

“Fantastic, now that you’re here,” I blurt out. Everyone laughs and Sands gives me a wink of approval. Jacob comes round and sits next to me. “Brothers, hey?” I ask. “Who’s older?”

Jacob points at himself. “I am by two minutes. We’re fraternal twins.”

“Mmm, nice,” Sands says in a sultry voice. “Two are better than one. Do you always go out together?”

“Family has to stick together,” Joel nods, and at the same time, he and Jacob set down their beers and roll up their sleeves to reveal matching tattoos on their upper arms.