The List (22 page)

Cami whirled around and shoved Ryan back. “Get out!”

He stumbled into the hallway and Cami went for the door. Ryan did his best to stop her, but his cousin slammed it in his face without saying a word, locking it the second it was shut.

My body was shaking when she turned. The dresser was holding me up. For once her expression was serious, and it unnerved me more than anything she might have said. I waited for anger or yelling, for her to start crying, even. All she did was cross her arms over her chest and stare at the bed. It made my legs even more unsteady. Why wasn't she talking? What was going through her head?

When she finally turned to face me, her expression was soft. “You okay?”

I blinked. That wasn't the response I expected, and it took me several seconds to make my mouth cooperate enough to say, “Yes.”

She pressed her lips together and twisted her hair around her fingers absentmindedly while she turned back to face the bed. “We'll wash the sheets for Ryan. Don't worry, I'll talk to him about it.”

What the . . .

I blinked three more times before it finally hit me. She thought I'd started my period. She didn't want me to be embarrassed. I exhaled and a nervous laugh came out at the same time, but I still couldn't make my mouth form words.

Cami didn't even glance my way, though. She got busy stripping the sheets off the bed while I shuffled from foot to foot, running my fingers nervously through my blond hair.

“Go ahead and get cleaned up,” she said over her shoulder.

She didn't have to tell me twice.

“Thanks,” I said, dashing for the door.

When I jerked it open, Ryan was still standing in the hall. He jumped about a foot off the ground and swiped his hand through his hair. His eyes swept past me and he frowned when he saw what Cami was doing.

I jerked my head to the right before heading down the hall. Ryan was right on my heels.

“What's going on?” he whispered when we stopped outside the bathroom.

I swallowed and kept my eyes on his bedroom door—I couldn't look him in the eye, anyway. My stomach was in knots and my heart rate still hadn't slowed.

“Cami thinks I started my period.”

Ryan took a small step back and I forced myself to look at him. His shoulders relaxed and he exhaled, but he didn't smile.

He leaned against the wall and shook his head. “Damn, Annie. That was a close one. If Cami found out, Chris would know for sure. There's no way she'd be able to keep her mouth shut.”

Something inside me cracked when he called me Annie. He never used my name, and the way he said it frightened me. Like we were meeting for the first time instead of two people who had shared the most intimate moment imaginable. My throat tightened and I searched his face for something that would tell me what it all meant. He stared at the floor. The expression on his face reminded me of someone at a funeral though, and just looking at it made everything inside me go numb.

“I need to get cleaned up,” I mumbled, turning away before the tears stinging at the back of my eyes made a very inconvenient appearance.

“R
yan called while you were in the shower,” Cami said the second I walked out of our bathroom. “He's going to drive you to the airport.”

I paused in the middle of towel-drying my hair. My stomach clenched so hard I was sure I'd vomit up the entire grande white chocolate mocha I'd just finished.

I turned and went back to drying my hair, so she couldn't see my face. Hiding the tears in my eyes would be impossible. We'd left his apartment two hours ago, and when I walked out the door with Cami, he wouldn't even look at me. There wasn't a part of me that wanted to see him right now, not when I was sure I knew what he was going to say. I never thought facing my dad would be preferable to talking to Ryan, but at that moment it was.

“I told you I was going to call a cab.” My back was turned and I was still working the towel through my hair.

Cami huffed. “Please. Wouldn't you rather Ryan take you?”

“Not really.” The words were out before I could stop them. Great. How was I going to explain to Cami
why
I didn't want Ryan to take me?

“Is this about you starting your period? Ryan was okay with it, Annie. He does have a sister.”

I tossed my damp towel on the pile of dirty clothes and took a deep breath before turning to face Cami. “Yes. I have brothers too, Cami, but Ryan isn't my brother.” I was praying Cami would buy the excuse. That she'd let it go and I could wiggle my way out of driving with Ryan.

Cami rolled her eyes and tossed her dark hair over her shoulder. “You're being ridiculous.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at her. “Call him back and tell him I said no.”

Cami mimicked my stance. “No.”

I snatched my phone off the bed, turning on my heel. “Then I will.”

Ryan picked up after the first ring. “Buttercup.” He sounded breathless, like he was out for a run or he had to dash for the phone. I assumed it was the first one—he tended to go for a run when he was stressed. And after Cami almost caught me in his bed—naked—he had to be stressed.

My throat tightened and I squeezed my eyes shut. Thankfully, Cami was busy digging through her closet or she would have known something was up for sure. My back was as straight as a board.

I swallowed three times before I managed to say, “I'm going to call a cab. You don't need to worry about taking me.”

Ryan sighed and my bottom lip quivered. “We need to talk before you leave.”

A million responses went through my mind, but I couldn't say a single one with Cami standing next to me. The silence stretched on while I thought the situation through. I didn't want to talk to Ryan—there wasn't even a small part of me that thought it was going to turn out well—but I couldn't avoid it forever. Would it be better to go home in uncertainty? Spend the next two weeks wondering what would happen when I got back? No. That wouldn't be better than being crushed, and I couldn't face my dad in such a precarious position.

I exhaled and nodded. “Okay, Ryan. I'll see you in a few hours.”

 

Cami stood in front of College Lodge with me when Ryan pulled up. He jumped out and grabbed my suitcase while I hugged his cousin good-bye. She was yapping away about how I needed to stand up to my dad—which was true and something I needed to hear—but I could hardly focus on her words. I was wound too tight.

“Have an awesome time with your family and I'll see you in January,” Cami said when she stepped back.

I nodded and forced myself to smile. There was no way it looked genuine. “You too. And tell your parents I said Merry Christmas.”

I climbed into the passenger seat and Cami waved like an overeager kid. It actually made me smile for real—although it was so small you'd probably need a microscope to see it. I waved back, keeping my eyes on her until the car was too far away for me to make her out in the crowd.

The second she disappeared, my stomach turned inside out. Ryan watched me out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't say anything as he headed out of the city. The silence was suffocating. The longer we drove without talking, the more rigid my body became. I didn't want to hear him say the words, but I also couldn't stand the silence.

“Say something,” I finally blurted out.

Ryan jumped and squeezed the steering wheel tighter as he merged onto the interstate. His eyes darted toward me then back to the road, and I held my breath while I waited for him to crush me into a million pieces.

“Are you okay?” he finally said.

I turned my entire body toward his. I wasn't, not if he was talking about my emotional state. But I had a feeling this had more to do with the physical part of the previous night, and when it came to that, I was more than okay. “Yes.”

He nodded, but he still looked uncertain. “You're not . . . sore?” He cringed a little and his eyes darted my way.

My face grew warm and I shifted in my seat, but I shook my head. “Not much.”

Ryan gave me a tentative smile. “Good.”

I settled back, but I wasn't under any kind of delusion he was finished. No way was I getting off that easy.

Ryan sighed and his hands tensed on the steering wheel. “Annie . . .”

Just that one word did me in. My insides twisted so tight, I couldn't breathe and my hands wrapped around the seat belt, clenching it so hard it dug into my palms. I hated it when he called me Annie. It sounded like a dirty word coming out of his mouth.

“Just say it.”

Ryan sighed. “Last night was—”

“Amazing,” I said, cutting him off. It was how I felt and I needed to get it out before he soiled the memory by throwing around words like
wrong
and
mistake.
To me it would never be anything but perfect, and there wasn't a single second of it I regretted.

He nodded slowly, but kept his eyes on the road. His Adam's apple bobbed a few times and he clenched his jaw, and when he finally relaxed it enough to talk he said, “It
was
amazing.”

I exhaled, and in that one breath my body managed to relax. Maybe, just maybe this wasn't going to end the way I'd expected.

“But it never should have happened.”

His words sliced through me like a samurai sword, cutting me in two. The car blurred and I leaned my head against the window, tilting it forward just enough that my hair spilled over my shoulders, shielding my face.

“Chris . . .” His breath caught in his throat. “He'd never forgive me.”

He paused and glanced my way, but I didn't move or talk or probably even breathe. It was like I was frozen in time, trapped in that moment when he cut me with his words. When he admitted I was something he regretted.

I didn't want him to regret me.

When I didn't respond, he sighed. “I'm sorry. I should have been stronger. More responsible. I shouldn't have taken that from you, it wasn't right.”

“I wanted you to,” I whispered. My throat was raw, like I'd swallowed fire, and my voice came out gravelly. I swallowed before saying, “I don't regret it.”

Ryan's jaw tightened. “I was wrong.”

My hands squeezed the seat belt tighter and I closed my eyes as if that could somehow block out his words. I had the sudden urge to stick my fingers in my ears and scream like a child, but I couldn't move enough to untangle my hands.

“I'm so sorry,” he whispered.

I nodded, but I had no idea if he saw it. The air in the car grew thick and stale, like it was full of poison. That's how it felt when I breathed, anyway, as if I were sucking in noxious gases and my lungs were slowly shutting down.

We rode the rest of the way in silence. Ryan drove with his hands firmly placed at ten and two. I leaned my head against the window. My hands started to throb from the lack of circulation, but I couldn't seem to get my body to cooperate.

I couldn't relax until the airport came into view. My fingers unraveled and the seat belt slid back into place. My hands were numb. I slowly flexed my fingers to get the blood flowing again.

I didn't talk until Ryan got in the lane that led to the parking garage. “No. Drop me off in front.”

“I can help you in.”

I shook my head and turned back to the window, so he wouldn't see the tears shimmering in my eyes. “Don't you get it? I don't want you to.”

He didn't answer, but he pulled into the right lane. “Which airline?”

“Delta,” I whispered.

He nodded and I grabbed my purse off the floor while he pulled to a stop in front of the Delta sign. He'd barely put the car in park when I shoved the door open and hopped out.

If I could have run away, I would have. But there was no way to escape without my suitcase. I clenched my purse while Ryan unloaded my luggage, and when he wheeled it my way, my entire body jerked with the desire to flee.

Ryan planted my suitcase in front of me, but he didn't let go. “I'm sorry.”

I couldn't look at him. I focused on my nails, digging at them like they were filled with dirt. “I know.”

“Will you look at me?”

He sounded like he was in pain, but no matter how much it hurt to hear that tremor in his voice, I couldn't make myself look up.

I pried my suitcase out of his hand and backed away. “I have a flight to catch.”

He didn't answer and I didn't look at him before I turned away. I hurried through the glass door and into the airport. By the time I looked over my shoulder, he was gone.

W
hen the plane landed in Sacramento, I was both glad and terrified. Flying out of South Carolina had seemed like the best thing in the world, but now that I was facing my father, I wished I'd gone somewhere else. Anywhere else.

My legs were heavy when I made my way through the terminal, and my body was stiff from sleeping on a crowded plane all night. But worse than that was the condition of my heart. It was barely beating, and with each pump it seemed to crack a little more. I had no doubt that by the end of the day it would be in pieces.

Adam stood at the bottom of the escalator when I made my way down. He gave me his typical cheesy grin and held up a piece of paper with my name on it—in true Adam style. My damaged heart jumped a little when I saw him. I'd missed my brother so much.

His sandy hair was cut short—military style—and his brown eyes twinkled with mischief when I stepped off the escalator. He fought to keep his smile back, but Adam was a notoriously bad faker, so he did a horrible job of trying to look stern.

“What do we have here, young lady?” he said, flicking my nose the second I was close enough.

I swatted his hand away. Even though it hurt, I smiled. “Back off.”

He grinned and pulled me in for a hug. For the first time since leaving Ryan's apartment, I felt like I wasn't about to shatter into a million pieces. Adam was my best friend, and if there was anyone I could talk to about all this, it was him—the abridged version of the story at least.

“Dad's going to freak out,” he said when he'd taken a step back.

His eyes moved over me, taking in all the changes. The lowlights, makeup and nose ring, the low-cut shirt and tight pants. He squirmed, but he didn't lecture me or try to convince me to wash my face, so that was a good sign.

“You look good,” he said as we headed over to get the rest of my luggage. “You're enjoying college, I guess?”

“Yeah. I've made some really good friends . . . tried new things.” I kept my eyes focused on the luggage moving down the conveyor belt. If anyone would be able see right through me it would be Adam. No one knew me like he did.

He narrowed his eyes and frowned. My shoulders tensed, but he didn't ask. Thankfully.

“Austin and Aiden home?”

He nodded, then immediately shook his head. “They're home.”

I couldn't keep my eyes away from him. “And Dad?”

He pressed his lips together. “Working today. He starts vacation tomorrow.”

“So I can plan on him being around twenty-four/seven for my entire trip,” I mumbled, turning my eyes to the floor.

My eyes traced a crack that led across a speckled tile, almost cutting it in half. That was how I felt right then. There was the old me, the girl who always did what she was told, so my dad didn't get hurt, and the new me. The me I'd discovered in college who had likes and dislikes, an opinion. Who was passionate and able to give herself to people. I didn't want her to go away, but keeping her around wasn't going to be easy.

“You going to talk to him, finally?” Adam asked.

I kept my eyes on that crack when I nodded.

“He's not going to like all this.”

“Because I don't look like one of the boys—”

“Because you look like Mom.”

My head snapped up and Adam's brown eyes swept over me. He shook his head. “You look just like her, Annie. He's going to be forced to deal with all the shit he's been ignoring for the past eighteen years.”

I swallowed. Adam was right.

 

I changed into more sensible clothes before my dad got home from work: jeans that weren't quite so tight and a Steelers t-shirt. I'd pulled my hair into a ponytail and after my shower I'd kept the makeup light—just a little lip gloss and mascara. There was nothing I could do about the jewelry in my nose and ears, and even though my heart pounded just thinking about the confrontation that was sure to come, I didn't want to hide the person I'd become.

Aiden grinned at me from his bar stool where he sat drinking a beer while I cooked dinner. “I like it.”

Austin was less supportive. “It's just going to cause problems.”

He frowned and shook his head at his twin, tossing a peanut at his head. It hit Aiden in the nose and bounced across the counter. They were identical—same white-blond hair and dark brown eyes—but Austin was the responsible one.

“Leave her alone,” Aiden said, hopping up and coming around the island. He kissed me on the temple when he walked by, tossing his bottle into the trash before going for another one.

Austin frowned. “Dad counts those.”

Aiden snorted and rolled his eyes. He dramatically popped the top off the bottle and raised his eyebrows while he took a long, slow drink. “Ahhh . . .” he said, smacking his lips at his brother.

Austin shook his head and turned away.

When we were alone, Aiden rested his hip against the counter next to me. I was busy dicing a tomato for the salad, and the way his eyes moved across my face made every hair on my head prickle.

“What?” I finally snapped after I'd come close to taking off the end of my thumb.

“Just looking you over,” he said, taking another drink. “I really do like it, you know, but Austin is right. It's going to cause problems.”

My shoulders tensed and I silently wished Adam was there to back me up. But he'd made plans to meet up with
friends
. I suspected he was just out getting laid—they didn't get much free time at the Academy and his girlfriend wasn't allowed to visit.

“So I should just pretend to be someone else my whole life?” I snapped.

Aiden sighed and set his beer down. He put his hands on my shoulders and forced me to turn and face him. For once his expression was serious. “No, Annie, you shouldn't. I'm glad you're finally doing stuff. I honestly don't know why you ever came back. I expected you to disappear . . . like Alex.”

My throat tightened. Aiden and I had never talked about this before. Adam had always been the one I'd gone to when I was frustrated and ready to explode. Aiden was the goofy one who told jokes to cheer me up.

“I can't just walk away from him.”

Aiden put his arms around me and pulled me against his chest. He and Austin were six foot three, so I was able to tuck my head right under his chin. “Honestly, I think he'd rather you disappear than actually deal with all that shit from the past.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. Yeah, that sounded about right. I had no idea Aiden was so perceptive.

 

I was hiding in the kitchen when my dad got home. Aiden stopped him at the front door, telling him some ridiculous story about how he was positive he'd seen Ben Roethlisberger on campus that morning. My dad laughed and the sound made my heart pound. I held my breath and waited. Aiden must have had him cornered, because he didn't come into the kitchen. Even though Dad asked where I was about ten times, my brother wouldn't let up.

It gave me time to gather my courage, but my legs still shook when I walked out of the kitchen. “Hi, Daddy.”

His back was to me and his shoulders lifted at the sound of my voice. I held my breath when he spun around, waiting for him to take me in. He smiled and walked toward me, and for a few seconds he didn't seem to register the changes. Then all at once the smile fell from his face and his feet stopped moving.

“Annie?” He shook his head and frowned. Every crease and line in his face deepened. His hairline seemed to have receded more over the last few months, and there was more gray at his temples than ever. He looked like he'd aged two years while I was gone. He took a step back, and the pained expression on his face reminded me of someone who had been shot.

“Daddy, I—”

He shook his head again. “What did you do to yourself?”

I sighed and twisted the end of my ponytail around my hand. He had the remarkable ability to make me feel like I was ten years old again. “It's not a big deal,” I said. “A little color in my hair and some makeup.” I purposely did not mention the piercings.

Aiden stepped forward and slapped our father on the back. “I think she looks good.”

He grinned at me and winked, and I gave him a shaky smile. Who knew my goofy brother would be such a good ally?

Austin came bounding down the stairs. He stumbled and practically tripped over his own two feet when he saw our dad standing there. He pressed his lips together, and the expression that came across his face was almost identical to our father's.

No one moved for a full ten seconds, and I was pretty sure our dad was in shock. He just stared at me, blinking over and over again.

Out of nowhere Austin headed toward the kitchen. As he walked by, he slapped our dad on the back in almost the identical manner that Aiden had a few minutes earlier. “How was work?” Not pausing long enough for Dad to answer, Aiden said, “Dinner about done, Annie?”

 

Dad barely said a word during dinner, and he avoided looking at me. Whenever he did venture a look, he flinched like the action hurt. It probably did, especially if I looked as much like Mom as Adam said I did. There were no pictures around the house for me to compare myself to, though, so I'd just have to take my brother's word for it until I could pull some out.

Aiden had spent the first part of the meal cracking jokes, but stopped when that didn't seem to be helping. After that, Austin took up the conversation, asking me about Charleston and school—being careful to avoid anything that might indicate I actually enjoyed myself.

“You decide on a major?” he asked with a mouth full of mashed potatoes.

I swallowed and took a big gulp of water while I nodded. “Psychology or counseling, I think.”

That had always been my plan, but I'd never mentioned it to my brothers before. To be honest, no one had ever asked.

Austin frowned and glanced toward Dad, but of course he didn't seem to register what was going on around him. He'd barely touched his food—not that I had either.

We went back to eating in silence after that. My stomach was so tight I was sure if I did manage to swallow a mouthful of food it would come right back up, so I resigned myself to pushing my food around on my plate instead.

The second dinner was over, my dad locked himself in his room. My brothers headed into the living room to watch TV and I got busy cleaning up. Some things never changed.

 

I was sitting on the floor in the middle of my bedroom, sorting through pictures of my mom, when Adam tapped on my door. It was already open an inch, and without waiting for my answer, he pushed it open the rest of the way.

When he leaned against the doorframe and grinned, I rolled my eyes. He had sex hair.

“I knew you were going to get laid.”

He chuckled and shoved himself off the wall before bounding over and plopping down at my side. “I have needs.”

I pressed my lips together and focused on the picture in my hands. “Don't we all.”

Adam swore. “I don't want to hear it, Annie.”

“Stop it, Adam,” I said, putting the picture down and turning to face him. “You're my best friend and I need someone to talk to about all this stuff. I can't tiptoe around things anymore, especially not with you.”

My brother rubbed the back of his neck and his eyes went down to the pile of pictures spread across the floor in front of me. “You're my sister—”

“But I'm still a person, Adam, and sex is part of life.”

He nodded, but his mouth was pressed together in a scowl. “Okay, but keep in mind I don't want to hear any details.”

I laughed and shook my head. Like I was going to tell anyone the details. “You don't need to worry about that.”

For the next hour I told Adam all about Chris and Ryan, how close they had been as children and how I had met Chris first. When I started talking about how I felt around Ryan, Adam squirmed a little, but he listened attentively and didn't interrupt. I kept out as much information as possible, but when I got to the part about my last night in Charleston, there wasn't much I could do to shield him from the truth. Adam took it like a trooper while I glossed over the details.

“I'm sorry, Annie,” he said when I was done. “Sounds like you've been having a rough time.”

I shrugged and picked up another picture of my mom, so I could focus on something other than the way my heart splintered just thinking about Ryan. “It hasn't been all laughs, but that's what life is supposed to be like. Right?”

Adam took the picture out of my hand and studied it. It was of my mom and dad when they were first married. Alex was the only one born, and my mom couldn't have been much older than I was. Three years at the most. Her golden hair was down around her shoulders in loose curls and she had Alex balanced on her hip. My dad stood next to them with his arm around her shoulders, and the expression on his face didn't look a thing like him. He was smiling. An actual, real smile that made his eyes light up in a way I'd never even imagined possible.

“You look just like her,” Adam said.

The corners of my mouth turned up, but it felt more like crying than a smile. “Dad thinks so too.”

“So he didn't take it well?”

I snorted. “He's locked in his room. What does that tell you?”

“What else is new?”

Adam shrugged and tossed the picture on the floor before picking up another. Mom held him in one arm and me in the other. I was probably four months old, meaning he couldn't have been more than eighteen months. His cheeks were still chubby and his sandy hair was lighter, closer to the golden halo on my head. The smile on my mom's face made it seem like the future was limitless.