The List (17 page)

My entire body jerked and I took a step back. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. “Don't,” I said, shaking my head.

Ryan's eyes narrowed on my face. After a few seconds of silence, his features relaxed and he slowly nodded. “I'm sorry.”

“Just forget it.” My neck and face grew warm and I turned my back to him, bending down to gather my stuff. I had no idea how I would get home since he'd driven, but I was determined to find a way.

“Buttercup.”

“Stop it, Ryan,” I said. “Just stop it.” I tossed my stuff to the ground and turned to face him. “You need to make up your mind what you want to happen between us.”

He swallowed and shook his head. “I thought I had.”

“Work it out, Ryan. You can't keep doing this to me.”

 

Cami and I shoved our stuff in the trunk and climbed in the backseat. I was dreading the ride home so much that a dull ache had started in the pit of my stomach and was slowly working its way through the rest of my body. Chris leaned against the car with his arms crossed over his chest, seething. Ryan and Jess were nowhere to be seen.

Ryan arrived at the car without Jess. He and Chris slid inside and shut the doors, but Ryan didn't make a move to start the car. He gripped the steering wheel and kept his eyes straight ahead. “You need to stop this, Cami. This wild streak is going to get you hurt, and you're going to end up taking Annie with you.”

He never said my actual name and I hated the way it sounded on his lips. Like we were strangers. Like the connection I felt between us and the magnetic pull that kept me hyper-aware of his every move didn't really exist.

“You're being unreasonable,” Cami said.

Her bottom lip was pushed out so far, she looked like a three-year-old, pouting because she had to sit in time-out. It put the whole thing in perspective. Ryan was right. I wanted to experience new things, but not at the risk of my safety. What was I doing? Going home with strangers, throwing myself at guys I'd known for only a few minutes? I didn't come to college to get—I couldn't even think the word.

“Ryan's right.”

Cami's head snapped up and both Ryan and Chris turned to look at me. Chris's face was still tense, but Ryan's eyes swam with too many emotions for me to count. I was drowning in them.

“What?” he whispered.

“I said you're right.” I swallowed and kept my eyes locked with his. “I'll be more careful, make better decisions.”

Cami sighed so loud that I jumped. I ripped my eyes away from Ryan so I could look at her. “Fine.”

Ryan chuckled, and when I looked back his entire body was more relaxed. It made bitterness well up inside me. How could he could be so laid back in my presence when every muscle in my body was tight and uncomfortable? I felt like a robot every time I moved.

Cami pressed her lips together and looked at her cousin. Then the corner of her mouth twitched. “Liam doesn't want me to date anyone else anyway.”

Ryan sighed, but his smile didn't fade. “Who would have guessed that my little sister would be the one to finally make that guy stop whoring it up?” He shook his head and turned to face the front.

“What can I say?” Cami shrugged and grinned. “I'm irresistible.”

Ryan started driving toward home. Chris was more relaxed. Even though he hadn't said a word, I could tell he was gearing up for something. He kept looking back at me and frowning.

“What is it?” I finally asked.

“The football game is next weekend.”

“Oh.” The word popped out of my mouth and seemed to make everyone in the car tense again. I'd completely forgotten about the game.

Cami elbowed me and shrugged, then mouthed
road trip.
She was right. Road trip was on my list. We could still go to the game and have fun. It didn't have to be tense just because Chris and I weren't dating and Ryan and I had almost slept together. The four of us had fun together. We could make it work for one weekend. Plus, Alex and Stacy were expecting us.

“We can still go,” I finally said.

Ryan's eyes met mine in the rearview mirror and Chris turned to face me.

“You sure?” Chris asked.

I shrugged and forced a smile. “We're friends. It will be fun.”

I hoped it wasn't a lie.

F
riday afternoon we all piled into Ryan's car and headed out. The drive from Charleston was a little over five hours long. It started off tense—even turning the music up couldn't completely erase how uncomfortable things were—but it didn't take long for things to settle down, mostly thanks to Cami and her need to fill every second with chatter. By the time we were halfway there, the four of us were laughing and joking like we had those first few weeks of school. I started to think the weekend might not have been a bad idea after all.

Alex and Stacy had a three-bedroom house in Peachtree City, where they both taught at the local Christian school. I'd only been there once to visit, and I hadn't seen either one of them since my graduation. Despite the stress, I was thrilled we were taking the trip.

It was after six by the time we pulled into the driveway, and the front door opened before Ryan had even turned off the car. Stacy came bounding out with a big smile on her face, and her brown hair bouncing around her short frame. She was even shorter than Cami, and so slim people often mistook her for a teenager. I could never figure out how she commanded any authority in a classroom of twenty-plus teens, all of whom were probably bigger than she was.

“Annie!” Stacy bounced toward me in a way that reminded me of Cami, grinning from ear to ear. “Alex and I are so excited you're here!” She hugged me around the waist, making me feel like a giant. I towered over her by about ten inches.

My brother came out of the house right behind her, and I was struck by how much he'd grown to look like our father. The resemblance seemed to get stronger every year. He had the same thick brown hair, and his hairline had receded just a bit into a distinguished-looking widow's peak—just like our dad's. His jaw was as square and his eyes were the same shade of chocolate brown.

He smiled and threw his arms around Stacy and me, crushing his wife between us. “It's been too long, Anne.”

Alex was the only one who called me Anne, and just hearing it made me feel like I was five years old all over again, probably because he'd been the oldest and had taken on a lot of the responsibility of raising me.

“I missed you guys.”

They pulled back and Stacy's eyes were moist. We hadn't spent much time together in person, but I'd talked to her on the phone and in emails a lot over the last several years, especially after she married into the family and really came to understand what things were like. She sympathized with me more than anyone.

“We've been talking about buying you a car,” she said, wiping her eyes. “That way you can come visit more often.”

“You guys don't have to do that. I have my trust fund.”

“Dad would be furious if you spent it on that,” Alex said, frowning.

“It isn't Dad's money.”

That made Alex frown even more and I sensed a lecture coming. I loved Alex, but he was a very do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do kind of person. I didn't want to spoil the trip less than five minutes after arriving, so I turned my back on him and introduced the others.

“Come in! Bring your things!” Stacy said, grabbing my hand. She pulled me toward the house without even giving me a chance to get my own bag. “You have to see what we did with the guest room!”

She had me up the stairs before the others were even inside. She was visibly shaking with excitement. I laughed the way I could with no other person. Stacy not only knew all my secrets but sympathized with me, which made her almost godlike in my eyes.

She threw the door open and swept her arm dramatically. “Ta da!”

There was a crib in the middle of the room. The walls were painted a pale green and the wall behind the crib featured a giant tree. The branches reached up to the ceiling and swung over the bed. It took my breath away.

“Stacy?” I whispered, turning to face her.

“We got approved. We're going to China in six months.”

My eyes filled with tears and I threw my arms around her, practically lifting her off the ground. I was the only one in our family who knew of my brother and sister-in-law's struggles, how they'd tried unsuccessfully for a year to have a baby before learning the devastating truth—that it was impossible. They'd applied for local adoption, only to be put on a list that could take years, then began looking overseas.

Stacy laughed when she pulled a picture out of her back pocket. It was of a toddler with wisps of dark hair and a pudgy face, sitting on the lap of a Chinese woman. “Her name is Mei-Na and she's thirteen months old. We're going to keep Mei as a middle name, but call her Annabel.”

My heart clenched. That was my name. My mother's name.

“She's beautiful,” I said, but I couldn't focus on the picture because my eyes were too full of tears. “But Stacy . . .” I frowned at her. “A girl? Will Alex be able to handle that?”

“There are more girls than boys that need to be adopted in China, Annie. We always knew this was a strong possibility.”

My throat tightened and I had to swallow three times before I could talk. “How will he do it?”

She sighed and slipped the picture out of my hand, staring down at it. “We've talked it through. He's acknowledged that the way your dad . . . sheltered you was wrong. He'll be okay.”

I nodded, but I didn't believe a word of it. My dad's anxiety was ingrained into my brothers. But Stacy's eyes were so full of hope that I couldn't stand crushing her.

She must have sensed my doubt because she said, “He's seeing a therapist.”

I laughed; I couldn't help it. “Alex? Control freak, uptight, always right Alex?”

Stacy laughed too and pulled me out of the room. “Yes. Alex.”

We found everyone in the kitchen. Alex stood at the stove while Chris and Ryan sat uncomfortably at the bar. Cami was running her mouth, as usual. The way Alex's jaw tightened every time he glanced toward the guys made me want to curl up inside myself and die. I'd seen that expression millions of times growing up, and I knew exactly what kind of paranoid thoughts were going through his head.

“Who needs a drink?” Stacy called, heading to the fridge.

I stood next to my brother, bumping my hip against his. He was the shortest guy in my family and we were almost the same height. I might have even gained a quarter of an inch on him.

“I'm not dating either one of them,” I whispered. It was probably the most deceptive statement I'd ever made, but I knew it was the only way to save the weekend. “We're friends.”

Alex's jaw relaxed. “Good.”

I shook my head and reached into the wok, where vegetables and chicken simmered, plucking up a piece of meat while Alex swatted my hand with a spoon. I popped the stolen chicken into my mouth and grinned. He just rolled his eyes.

“Stacy told me about the baby.”

He smiled and kept his eyes on the food. “We're thrilled. I didn't think it would happen this fast.”

The words were on my lips, but I wasn't sure if I should let them out. I hadn't come here for a fight, but I also couldn't stop myself from giving him my opinion. “Don't suffocate her, Alex. Promise me.”

“Is that what we did to you?” He still didn't look away from the food and his jaw tensed again.

“Do you really have to ask?”

He pressed his lips together. “No, I guess I don't.”

I bumped his hip again and kissed him on the cheek. “I still love you, Alex.”

The corner of his mouth turned up. “Good.”

When I turned around, my eyes met Ryan's. He had a Coke in his hand—I should have warned them that responsible and mature Stacy and Alex wouldn't give them alcohol—and his gray eyes were trained on me. Cami and Chris were busy helping Stacy set the table and she was gushing about the baby, but Ryan stood frozen in the middle of the room. He'd overheard it all.

We ate dinner and thankfully Alex was more relaxed after our chat, or he might have noticed how Ryan never took his eyes off me or the way Chris touched me every chance he got. Normally Alex would have honed in on things like that. Maybe he was out of practice from being away from home so long, or maybe he really was more relaxed, as Stacy claimed.

My family was ready for bed by eleven, and even though I could tell the others weren't, they agreed to turn in as well. Cami and I took the guest room with the queen bed while Chris grabbed the cot Stacy had set up in the baby's room. Ryan selflessly offered to take the couch, although I had a feeling he was getting the better end of the deal. The cot wasn't very comfortable.

Cami was asleep almost the second her head hit the pillow, but I couldn't get my mind to shut off. I lay awake thinking about Alex and Stacy having a baby, about how my brother would handle having a girl, about my dad and how suffocating my life had been. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became, until I couldn't sit still. I was angry and hurt and guilty because I'd been dodging my dad's calls recently. I made sure to call him when I only had a few minutes to talk, like right before I ducked into class, and I was trying to make do with texts as much as possible. It couldn't last forever, though, and I knew it.

 

The next morning, after we'd eaten breakfast and showered, Alex cornered me in the living room. Stacy had shuffled everyone else into the backyard, like seeing her rose bushes was the most thrilling thing in the world. Cami rolled her eyes so many times I was worried they'd stay that way, but Chris and Ryan took the hint.

“Have you told Dad about all this?” Alex asked, waving his hand in the air.

He was sitting on the couch with his legs crossed, holding a cup of coffee and frowning at me while I squirmed in my chair. He looked like a dad.

“What? That I got my hair done? Got a few temporary holes in my body? You realize I can just take these out and the holes will close up. None of this changes who I am, Alex.” I swallowed to keep my voice even. My insides boiled and I was dangerously close to yelling at my brother.

Alex didn't say anything. His mouth twitched and I couldn't tell if he was holding back a smile or a scowl. He took another drink. I waited, tapping my toe on the floor, but he just sat there.

“Aren't you going to give me a lecture?”

“Why? You think I have room to talk?”

My mouth popped open and my toe stopped mid-tap. He didn't, but that had never stopped him before. Stacy was right.

He cleared his throat and set his mug on the table. “Does he know you're here?”

I shook my head.

“Good.”

“You should call him.”

“It would just be awkward.”

“More awkward than not talking to your dad?” Alex never visited. Never called. He and Stacy had made the trip to California for my graduation, but they'd stayed at a hotel. I'm not sure he and Dad said more than two words to each other.

All Alex did was shrug. “I can't go back, Annie. I'm trying to move forward. I know Stacy told you.”

That he was seeing a therapist. He couldn't even say it, but just telling me was a huge step for my control-freak brother. “Yeah. I think it's good.”

“Me too.” He nodded and drummed his fingers on his knee. “It's helped me relax.”

I snorted and his lip twitched. Alex had never been relaxed a day in his life. Adam liked to joke that our older brother had been born wearing a suit and tie, telling the doctors what they'd done wrong during the delivery.

“So what's relaxed Alex like?” I asked with a grin.

He shook his head, but grinned right back. It made him look less like Dad. Dad never smiled—not a real smile, anyway.

“Relaxed Alex doesn't give a shit that you got your ears and nose pierced—”

“And belly button.”

Alex took a deep breath, then said, “And belly button.”

“But he still cares if I date?”

Alex took a deep breath and leaned back. “That's going to take some time.”

“As long as you're working on it.”

He nodded, then exhaled and sat back up. “So what are you going to do now that you're away from home?”

“What do you mean?”

“About Dad. Are you still going to talk to him?”

I shook my head and took a deep breath. Giving my brother a lecture would feel like I was Alice falling down the rabbit hole, but I was gearing up for it. He needed some tough love.

“He's my dad, so yes. I'm still going to talk to him. And you should too.” Alex pressed his lips together and I sat up straighter. “You need to stop ignoring him, Alex. It's hurting him.”

“He gets updates from Stacy.”

“And thank God for that. If he didn't, I don't know what would have happened. He'd probably go off the deep end.”

Alex let out a bitter laugh. “Too late for that.”

“That's not fair, Alex,” I said. “Dad didn't do anything awful to us, not really. He was a bit neurotic and—”

“How can you, of all people, defend him, Anne?” Alex shook his head. “Don't. Not with me. He treated you like a prisoner and he treated me like the nanny. And the fear we had to live in because of him—” Alex shook his head again and got up. “I don't want to talk about this, but you and I both know our childhood was not normal. Trust me, I remember what it was like to have a normal childhood. I was six when she died.”

Alex grabbed his keys off the table by the front door before jerking the door open. I jumped to my feet and ran after him, but he waved me off and charged out of the house. I didn't follow.

I found Stacy and the others in the backyard.