The List (16 page)

It was only partly true, but I couldn't elaborate. I already felt vulnerable around him. Telling him everything would just make it too hard. But of all the people I knew, he was the one I could see myself sharing the whole story with. Saying the words out loud for the first time in my life.

Ryan didn't take his eyes off mine. Electricity hummed between us like an exposed power line. I had a feeling all I had to do was lean forward and he would kiss me, but I didn't want to do something he regretted.

“My mom died.” The announcement wasn't new, but there was something about the way he said it that made me pay attention. “I never talk about it. Not with Cami, not with Chris. Not with Cami's parents, who are really just like a mom and dad to me. We don't talk about her.”

He understood. That's why he'd said it. I could hear it in his tone, the unspoken words that meant he understood everything I couldn't say. He'd told me his mom had been sick, but I'd always known there was more to it. The pain in his eyes when he talked about her was too raw. Too familiar. It reminded me of my dad.

“I'm sorry.”

“I don't want to lose anyone else, and being with you would mean losing Chris. We've been friends since we were nine.”

My stomach sank and I sniffed, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to make an appearance. “So that's it? You can't even talk to him about it?”

“I won't risk it, Buttercup.”

He didn't care about me enough. That was all I heard. “I need to get back,” I said, turning away from him when the tears forced their way out.

“Let me walk you back.” He kept pace with me and at first my throat was too full of tears to tell him no.

I swallowed and took a few deep breaths, and by the time we reached the pier I had myself together enough to say, “I need to be alone.”

Putting my earbuds in, I took off, not even looking over my shoulder to see if he was still following me. Instinctively I knew he wasn't. The electricity that had buzzed through me had faded away, leaving me empty.

O
ver the next two weeks Chris did his best to be my friend, but we didn't spend any time alone. Instead of studying in my room, we went to Java City with Ryan and Cami and Liam. Instead of going on dates, we went out as a group. He was nice and considerate, but made an effort not to single me out. There were times when I'd catch him staring, or he'd sigh when we said good-bye. It wasn't easy for him, but he was trying. It was a relief that we were actually able to be friends.

Ryan was another story altogether. When we were in a group, he sat as far away from me as possible, and we were
never
alone. The tingling in my body didn't lessen when he was near me, and being around him was a strange kind of torture I couldn't escape. Every minute we spent together, I squirmed and silently begged for him to just look at me. When he did, it made everything in me ache and burn with desire. I was like an addict, and no matter how much it hurt, I lived for the few seconds of euphoria that surged through me just before the pain took over.

By the beginning of the third week, Chris had relaxed. Either he'd realized we were better as friends or he was just playing it cool. Whatever it was, I was glad.

“What are we doing this weekend?” he said that Thursday while we studied at Java City. He kept his eyes focused on Cami.

“Liam is bugging me about some party his frat is having at the beach.” She shrugged and rolled her eyes. She'd started seeing Mike after that night at the bar, and Liam was, surprisingly, not okay with it.

Chris laughed and she tossed a wadded-up napkin at his face. He batted it away just before it made impact. It flew across the room and hit a girl at the next table in the back of the head. She laughed and rubbed the spot. When she turned around, her eyes landed on Chris's smiling face, and she gave him a look that made me squirm with embarrassment. It was like she was ready to strip her clothes off and throw him across the table so she could mount him.

Chris apologized and turned back to face us, and Cami elbowed him. “That girl wants you.”

He shrugged and his eyes briefly landed on me before focusing on his coffee. “So this weekend?”

“The party's on Saturday,” Cami said, rolling her eyes in my direction.

I grinned at Cami and tried to ignore the girl at the next table, who was still staring at Chris. The truth was, I didn't care that she was looking at him. It did, however, bother me that he
wasn't
looking at her. It would make everything so much easier if he'd move on. Maybe then Ryan and I could work something out.

“A beach party sounds like fun,” I said.

Chris nodded and slowly raised his head, but he avoided looking directly at me. “Yeah. I know Ryan is going. He's taking that chick he's been dating.”

My throat went dry and I squeezed my cup. “He's dating someone?”

Cami nodded. “Yeah. Um . . . Jess or something.”

“You know her,” Chris said. “She was at your birthday party.”

My birthday party. I'd completely forgotten that Ryan got her phone number. After what had happened between us, it never occurred to me he'd start seeing someone.

“Oh,” was all I said, but Chris and Cami didn't seem to notice how tightly I gripped my cup or the sweat that had broken out on my forehead.

Later that day, I saw Jess in my sociology class. We had three classes together, but they were so big I sometimes went for days without seeing her. Of course, when I walked into the lecture hall that day, I couldn't stop myself from searching the room.

I slid into the seat next to her and she smiled. “Hey! I haven't seen you in like a week. What's going on?”

I shrugged and tried to play it cool while sizing her up. Her skin was as white as mine, but her hair was dark, almost black. Her eyes were like shimmering ice. Were they naturally that color, or did she wear contacts?

“I hear you're dating Ryan,” I said casually.

She smiled and tapped her fingernail on the desk. “We've gone out a few times. Nothing serious. I like him.”

I swallowed when my throat started to close. “That's good.”

“What about you? You still seeing Chris?”

My hair bounced when I shook my head. I doodled in the margins of my notebook. If I didn't keep my hands busy, she would see how badly they were shaking for sure. “No. He wanted to get serious and I wasn't ready.”

She rolled her eyes. “What is it with the guys at this school? They all want to get serious. My roommate is having the same issue.”

My hand stopped moving and I narrowed my eyes on her face, searching the twin pools of icy water that were her eyes. “You don't want to get serious?”

“If I met the right person, maybe, but I doubt it. I'm too young.”

I exhaled and laughed, and my shoulders lowered with the release of tension. She wasn't going to get serious with Ryan. “Tell me about it.”

 

When Saturday rolled around, we all piled into Ryan's car to head to the beach. It was the most uncomfortable I'd ever been in my life, smashed between Chris and Cami in the back while Ryan sat in the front with Jess. Cami didn't shut her mouth for more than two seconds, and the drive to Folly Beach felt like it would never end. When Jess put her hand on Ryan's leg, I thought for sure I was going to hurl.

I leaned my head down and covered my face with my hands.

Cami finally stopped gabbing. “Are you okay?”

“I must be carsick,” I muttered.

I regretted it right away because Chris wouldn't stop rubbing my back. Then I looked up and Ryan's eyes met mine in the rearview mirror. All I could think about was getting to the beach so I could start drinking.

Once we got there, I avoided Ryan by lying on the beach with Cami. She wanted to work on achieving that nice leathery look girls of her skin tone loved, while I prayed I didn't resemble a lobster when we left. The beer I was sipping gave me something to focus on, but I still had to force myself to face the beach so I didn't keep searching the crowd for Ryan.

“Let's do something fun this week,” Cami said, rolling over to face me. “We haven't worked on your list since that night we went out together.” She rolled her eyes and glanced over her shoulder.

Even though I didn't want to see Ryan, I followed Cami's gaze. Liam was flirting with a blonde whose body looked suspiciously similar to Amber's. He was conveniently situated in Cami's line of vision.

“I thought he wasn't the relationship type?”

“So did
I
.” She glanced his way a second time before turning toward the beach. Then her eyes lit up and a smile curled her lips. “Smoking's on your list.”

I turned to see a group of tattooed and pierced guys about ten feet away from us. Their music was too loud to be considerate of anyone else, and a few of them smoked while others threw a football back and forth. They looked like the kind of guys you'd find in a dive bar listening to a little-known metal band while bragging about their recent conquests. But they were built and good-looking enough not to make me cringe.

Cami jumped to her feet and grabbed my hand, pulling me with her. I didn't resist. I could feel Ryan's every movement even from ten feet away, and I needed something stronger than a beer to block it out. A pair of tattooed biceps seemed like the perfect solution.

We waltzed over, and before we were halfway there the football game had come to a stop. All six pairs of eyes watched us approach. A guy with a cigarette between his lips looked me up and down. He plucked it from his mouth and blew smoke in the air, flashing me a confident smile. His body was perfectly sculpted. Thick black lines crisscrossed his biceps, moving up his shoulders and curling around, meeting on the back of his neck. He had silver rings in both ears and one in his eyebrow, and his brown hair was messy, like he'd just rolled out of bed. Everything about him oozed confidence.

“You look like honey,” he said. “Do you taste as sweet?”

The words sent a shiver down my spine right before his eyes swept over me, turning that shiver into something primal. “Maybe if you're lucky, you'll find out,” I said, raising an eyebrow. Where the hell did that come from? I wasn't sure. Probably the alcohol flowing through my veins and the fact that Ryan was behind me.

My new friend gave me a slow smile while Cami looked at me with eyes the size of beach balls.

Luckily, she recovered quickly. She smiled and batted her eyes in a way that was sexy, but not too over-the-top. “Maybe you can help us.”

The tattooed guy grinned and nodded slowly. “Maybe I can.”

“See, Annie here has never smoked and is dying to try it. I thought you'd be the perfect person to introduce her to something new.”

I cringed inwardly, but when our tattooed friend pressed his lips together and looked me up and down, I knew it was the right approach. Cami seemed to have a knack for knowing exactly what to say to turn a guy on.

“Annie, huh? I like that,” he said, blowing smoke in the air. “Sounds innocent. There's nothing I like more than corrupting the innocent.”

He stuck his cigarette between his lips, then leaned down to grab one for me. I took it and his chestnut eyes held mine while he lit it. I inhaled slowly, never looking away. The smoke was thick and tasted just like it smelled, stale and grimy. It tickled my throat, then turned into a raw burn when it made its way to my lungs. I coughed, but just a little. The only reason I didn't feel stupid was the intense way he stared at me.

He took a long drag off his cigarette, blowing the smoke out the side of his mouth. “I'm Ty.”

He introduced one of his friends, a guy name Mick who was built like The Rock, and Cami's whole outlook on life seemed to get brighter. She was practically in his lap when we sat down. I took two more puffs off the cigarette before I was done. Oddly enough, it just seemed to make Ty more interested in me. Like he really did want to corrupt my innocence.

We'd only been talking for a few minutes when Mick said, “You two know those guys?”

Cami and I turned to see Chris, Ryan, and Liam about seven feet away, staring at us. My eyes met Ryan's and he shook his head, but I turned away. I had no idea where Jess was, but I wasn't concerned.

“The tall one is my brother,” Cami said, rolling her eyes when Mick swore and scooted away from her. It didn't faze Cami, who closed the gap so she was once more draped across his muscles. “Until recently Annie was dating the one that's glaring at you like he wants to slit your throat.”

Ty looked back toward the guys. “Ex-boyfriend looks pissed.”

“Despite what he thinks, he's not an ex-boyfriend,” I said. “We only went out a few times.”

Ty's eyebrow shot up. The metal in it glinted in the sun. “You sleep with him?”

“No,” I said, looking him right in the eye. I knew exactly what he was asking me.

The corner of Ty's mouth turned up and his eyes swooped over my tiny bikini. Then he slowly leaned toward me. Before he could say anything, a shadow fell over us and my body tensed.

Ty blinked once and we both turned to find Liam standing over us, glaring at Cami. “What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?”

“Just having a good time.” She scooted closer to Mick—which I didn't think was possible—and stared at his pecs like they were an ice cream cone and she couldn't wait to get a taste.

“I think you're on the wrong side of the ocean.” Ty flicked his cigarette into the sand at Liam's feet.

“Yeah, take a swim, Austin Powers,” Mick said with a laugh.

Liam's eyes flipped to the WWF lookalike and he stepped forward. His shoulders were tense, and he didn't look the least bit intimidated. “Do I look like bloody Austin Powers to you?”

Mick moved like he was going to stand up, but Cami jumped to her feet before he could. “God, Liam.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him away. She didn't look back.

“Looks like you've been ditched,” Ty said to Mick.

Mick shook his head and muttered, “Bitch.” He hopped to his feet and went over to join his friends throwing the football.

“You gonna run off too?” Ty asked, lighting another cigarette and looking completely unconcerned.

I shrugged and watched Cami drag Liam across the sand. Ryan and Chris were still a few feet away, drinking and glaring at Ty. Chris was so mad he was visibly shaking. It wouldn't be long before he came over. The last thing I wanted was a repeat of that night at the club, but I wasn't going to run away.

“I don't plan on it,” I said, keeping my eyes on Chris.

He took a step toward me, but Ryan stopped him. They were arguing and I prayed Ryan would walk away. He didn't. He patted Chris on the back and headed my way. Why did he insist on dragging me through this over and over again?

“Shit,” Ty muttered. “I don't usually work this hard to get laid.”

A laugh broke out of my chest. I wanted to tell Ty he wasn't getting laid, but Ryan was too close. The last thing I needed was for him to have the satisfaction of hearing me say those words.

He stopped in front of me and frowned, not even glancing at Ty. “I want to talk to you.”

Ty didn't move a muscle and didn't glance at Ryan for a second. Chestnut eyes stayed on me when I stood and followed Ryan across the beach. Ty stayed on the towel, lounging casually while he smoked. I kind of liked that about him: the confident way he just waited for me to come back instead of running after me. Like he knew I would make the right decision.

“Are you trying to get raped?” Ryan hissed when we were a safe distance away. “First the other night in the bar and now this asshole.”