The Loner (37 page)

In her arms, where he needed to be.

She looked up at him, the emotion naked in her eyes. In those violet depths, he saw a reflection of his heart. The power of the moment hit him hard and his chest tightened, stealing his ability to breathe.

"Logan?"

He couldn't reply for the lump in his throat. Instead, he pulled her up and swallowed the tiny gasp of surprise. With sensual purpose, he kissed her. Long, delicate kisses that bespoke a man who knew it might be the last time. He tasted the sweetness that was hers alone, twining his tongue with hers, exploring...wishing.

If only he could stay.

You could stay. You could stay like this forever. Be a family. Be a husband. Be hers.

Then reality crashed back upon him and he knew that couldn't happen. No matter how much he wanted.. .how much he wished. No. He couldn't. Will's accident had brought it all home. He simply couldn't. So for right now, he'd take what she offered and he would be grateful, for it was far more than he deserved.

He steeped himself in the scent of her, the flavor of her, the texture of her skin. He lost himself in the pleasure of sumptuous curves and sleek valleys. He abandoned himself to the heaven that was Caroline. He was slow. He was gentle. He was achingly tender. He kissed her, a deep, soulful kiss full of longing and desire, passion and apology. Caroline deserved more, deserved better than he had to give.

Trailing kisses down her throat, he nuzzled at her breast with gentle insistence. A moan of pleasure slipped from her parted lips and she delved her fingers into his hair, urging him to capture a nipple. He sucked deeply, slowly. First one, then the other, drawing them deep into his mouth.

He needed this...needed her...more than he'd ever needed anyone in all his life.

Above him, she made sweet sounds of pleasure that ripped through him, swelling his arousal even more. When her hips arched instinctively, driving his need to the brink, Logan fought the urge to take her then and there. He wanted to make this good for her, wanted her to be mindless and melting in his arms. Wanted her to have a piece of his heart in the only way he knew how to give it.

He brushed soft, openmouthed kisses along her belly, dipping his tongue into her navel. Desire coursed through Logan, made him tremble and ache with something he couldn't quite define. Never in his life had he been this way...almost desperate. He could barely breathe for wanting her. His every sense felt stretched and heightened to an almost painful intensity. He was loving her with his body, but somehow, the act went deeper than the physical. What they found with each other...it was beyond that...beyond description... beyond words. It wasn't just sex, he knew. It was more. It was...

The last time. It was all they'd ever have.

This was the end.

Dark emotions tugged on his heart, yet he stamped them down again. With Caroline, he would find heaven in this moment, this night, and let morning take care of itself.

And he savored.

With slow hands, he reached down and cupped her hips. His mouth followed the path of his hands, dancing along the sensitive skin of her inner thigh as he spread her apart. He glanced up and saw the shock blending with anticipation in her fevered gaze when she realized his intent. Her legs tensed, her body stiffened.

"Let me love you, Caro."

Coaxing her to relax, he kissed her mound until he felt her muscles slacken. Then without another word, he claimed her. Using his mouth in ways he never had before, he stroked, licked and branded until she arched off the bed with a shriek that touched his soul. It was hard and fast and like nothing he'd ever shared with a woman before.

As she came back to earth, Logan's pride prompted him to smile up at her and start all over again.

This time, he built the intensity slowly, gently, letting her mindless whimpers wash over him like warm rain. He loved the noises she made. He loved her open, genuine enjoyment of sex. He loved that she held nothing back.

He wondered how he would have the strength to go on living without her in his life.

When she collapsed again, panting and shaken, she pleaded, "No more. I can't. Please, I can't."

"Sure you can."

Crawling up beside her, he brushed the damp hair from her cheek and slipped an arm beneath her. In one movement, he positioned himself so she sat in a straddle atop him.

Still breathless, Caroline leaned down and kissed him sweetly, once and then again. "I guess you're right."

Then with a slow, enigmatic smile, she lowered herself onto him, binding him to the core of her body.

Logan trembled and closed his eyes. This was perfect. A man couldn't ask for anything more. He gripped her bottom and held her still, reveling in the connection.
God, give me the strength to walk away from her.

As if she understood, Caroline reached down and pulled at his shoulders, holding on as if for dear life. Her breasts perched before him, taunting him with their pretty hardened tips. Tempted beyond reason, he pushed up and took one in his mouth.

A throaty moan escaped her as she started to move, slowly, finding a rhythm that soon turned their bodies into a slick, hot meld of flesh on flesh.

Logan could barely breathe for wanting his wife. He clung to her, sucking one nipple, pulling the other with his fingers.

It was like nothing on earth, watching her writhe and moan and arch and keen. To see her like this, free and abandoned, her head tossed back, her skin flushed with passion, drove him up to the highest of heights. Need curled inside him, hot and demanding. The urge to toss her down and drive into her hot, wet warmth was a pounding heat in his blood.

But he didn't want it to end. Not yet.

"Caroline," he murmured, wanting...needing her to look at him. Her lashes lifted and he gazed deeply into those enormous violet pools, silently telling her the words his lips could not form.

"Logan," she whispered, the sweet sound like a prayer and the mood changed. Deepened.

She folded down onto him and he rolled her over onto her back and rose above her. Their hands clasped. Their gazes didn't shift from one another as time continued in a slow haze.

They were as one. The rasp of her breath heavy with passion was his breath. The honeyed taste of her kiss, his kiss. The warm, wet yield of her body as he thrust within her and the tight clasp of velvet muscles as she rose to meet him wasn't simply a physical union, but a joining of souls.

It was heaven. It was hell. It was life at its most basic. He wanted it to last forever, but the slow erotic friction eventually took its toll. Pressure built at the base of his spine and as she cried out her pleasure, as those inner waves of ecstasy clamped around him, he had no choice but to lose himself within her, to give himself to her in both sadness and in joy.

He clung to her damp body, wishing away the heaviness in his heart. Her name slipped from his lips in a sigh as he cuddled Caroline closer and kissed her temple.

Exhausted, he sank down into the pillows, taking her with him. She snuggled up against him, kissing his shoulder. With a trust he didn't deserve, she buried her face in the crook of his neck. It was then he felt the tears. "Caroline?"

"Don't," she whispered with a soft sniffle. "Let's just leave it be. For tonight."

Even now, when he knew her heart was breaking, she tried so hard to be strong. Logan's heart constricted. "Honey, I wish that I—"

"Please," she begged. "Don't say anything. Just hold me. For now, just hold me, Logan. It's all I want."

His insides twisted painfully at the raw anguish in her tone, but he could no more deny her request than he could leave the bed. All she wanted was her husband. Tonight, at least, he could give her that.

After a bit, she slept. He lay awake, all his senses alive. He heard the faint bark of a dog, noted the scent of beeswax and lemon and lovemaking on the air. He tasted salt from her tears and felt the warm wisp of a breeze drifting through their open window and skimming across his bare skin.

Mostly, he focused on her. He listened to her breathe, steady and sated. He was so attuned to her body, knew her pulses, her heartbeat and her movements. He knew the flash in her eyes when she happy, angry and about to find heaven in his arms.

He also knew she loved him.

Letting his hand run a soft caress along her back, Logan looked to the window and stared out into the moonless night sky. So dark, he thought absently. Colorless and empty. No moon, no stars.

Was that what he had to look forward to? Darkness? Solitude? No Caroline. No Will. How would he manage without them? How could he walk away and live with nothing when everything was right here?

But when a man had nothing, he had nothing to lose. He'd had everything before and it damn near killed him. Twice.

He would manage nothing. It was the only choice he could make.

Caroline awoke the next morning determined to treat the day like any other. As usual, she woke before him and indulged in a few moments simply lying beside him, watching the sunlight strengthen through the window and enjoying the sensation of having her man in her bed. This day, the last day, she took an extra minute before silently rising to wash and dress and prepare herself to face the hours ahead.

How would she get through them? She liked to believe she was strong, but was she really? How could she stand there and watch the man she loved walk away? How could she let him go without a fight?

Because the fight isn't yours, but his.
His fears went deep and no one could conquer them but Logan.

So she wouldn't make demands. She wouldn't beg. She wouldn't cry. What she would do was pick up the pieces of her broken heart while trying not to think of her own fears.

She decided to make waffles for breakfast. They were Will's favorite and she wanted to pamper him today. Logan's leaving would be hard for him and while she couldn't protect him from the pain, the mother in her needed to make a gesture. She heard sounds of movement upstairs as she stirred her mix and her heart caught, but she shook it off. Moments later, she heard Sly come bounding downstairs and she moved to the door to let him out.

He vaulted out into the backyard with enthusiasm, ready for another exciting day of life. Watching him sniff and explore the space still new to him, Caroline was struck by two things. First, thank goodness they'd sent for the dog instead of waiting for Will's planned visit with Daniel later this month, and second, how nice it would be to trade places with Sly for a day. What she wouldn't give to spend today sniffing and digging and worrying about chasing butterflies rather than comforting her son and remaining strong herself when Logan Grey said goodbye.

The two males in her life came downstairs together, Will peppering his father with questions about the search for the Wild Bunch. "Tell you what, son. Let's wait until after breakfast to get into that, shall we? Thinking about Kid Curry and his knife is bound to give me indigestion."

With his questions shut down, Will spent his time on his other favorite topic—attempting to finagle his way out of the home-confinement part of his punishment. He offered up a few creative alternatives, she had to admit, though he posed them to his father, who responded with simply a helpless look at Caroline. She said, "The idea of you helping Doctor Daggett at his hospital does have some appeal. Let me think about it, and we'll discuss it after lunch."

His eyes widened in surprise. Caroline had never rescinded a grounding in the past, and while she could see he had a question, he wasn't about to voice it. "Okay. Thanks, Ma. Great waffles." Then he dabbed his mouth with his napkin, and said, "May I be excused to do my morning chores?"

"You may. Start by weeding my vegetable patch, please. The dandelions are about to take over."

"Yes, ma'am." Seconds later, the screen door slammed behind him and she hear him call out, "Sly! Fetch the ball, Sly."

"Can I help you with the dishes?" Logan asked, standing and speaking his first words to her that day.

"No, thanks. You have things of your own to do."

He hesitated as though he wanted to say more, then he gave an almost imperceptible shrug, turned and headed upstairs.

Caroline's fingers trembled just a little as she washed, dried and put away the dishes. She worked to keep her mind blank and her emotions encased in a block of ice, but she managed it. When she climbed the stairs once her kitchen work was done and she'd made a brief detour into the library, she was calm, collected and cool as a winter morn.

Their bedroom door was open. She stopped just inside the room. His suitcase lay open on the bed, the clothing that had hung next to hers in the chifforobe now packed neatly inside. He stood at the window, gazing out at Will on his hands and knees amongst her summer squash. "You gonna modify his punishment?"

"Probably. It'll be good for him to be around other people the next few days, I think."

He nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving the scene below. Caroline felt the ice around her heart start to crack, so she quickly forged ahead. "It looks like you're just about packed."

"Yeah...I travel light." Finally, he turned around. "My train leaves in less than an hour."

She forced a smile and made it look good. "Well, you'd best hurry, then. You'll need a few minutes with Will before you go."

"Caroline—"

"I wondered if you might like to take this with you," she interrupted when it appeared as if he thought to rehash the discussion from the previous night. She handed him a framed tintype of Will. "Mr. Swartz felt so bad about what happened to Will that he offered to make it at no charge."

"He's a fine-looking boy," Logan said, staring down at the photo. "Thanks. I'll treasure this. But.. .1 need one of you, too."

Caroline swallowed hard. "I didn't have one made. Now, can I help you with your packing? Did you remember your razor from the bathroom? And your work boots are down in the mud room. I don't know if you'll want those or not."

His voice held a bit of an edge as he said, "You're taking this better than I figured."

She almost lost her control then, but she took a moment to settle before she replied. "Did you want me to cry and carry on and beg you to stay? Would that make this easier for you? Are you hoping that I do exactly that so that you feel you must stay, and then you can spend the next ten, twenty, fifty years holding it against me? Is that what you want, Logan?"