The Lost Art of Listening (21 page)

The world is divided into people who think they are right.

How Emotionality Makes Us Defensive
119

The ability to listen rests on how successfully we resist the impulse to react

emotionally to the position of the other.
The more actions we feel compelled to

take to reduce or avoid our anxiety, the less flexible we are in relationships.

Let me give you an example from the wide perspective of a public sit-

uation—before focusing on the more anxiety- arousing settings of personal

exchange. The next time you attend a lecture or observe a news confer-

ence, notice the hostile questions. You’ll note that many “questions” aren’t

really questions at all, but rhetorical attempts to prove that the speaker is

wrong and the listener is right. Observe how the speaker handles these

questions. Some speakers try to remain calm by finding something to agree

with; others get defensive and counterattack.

A speaker is likely to get defensive if she feels that the questioner is

trying to make her wrong and himself right. “Excuse me, but haven’t you

overlooked . . . [you dummy]?” Few such “listeners” really want answers to

their questions; they just want to be right. The speaker who gets defensive

and tries to counter (put down, really) the questioner often hopes to “win”

the exchange by saying “No, actually . . . [I am right;
you’re
wrong].” In

rare instances a clever speaker can succeed in putting down a hostile ques-

tioner with superior intellect or knowledge of the subject. More often the

questioner, who maybe wanted to make a point, feels dismissed, cheated

out of the opportunity to have his voice heard.

When neither party to an exchange is willing to break

the spiral of reactivity, both are likely to end up feeling

angry and misunderstood.

How to Alleviate Arguments

I don’t know about you, but I hate arguments. Why do some people always

have to say the opposite of whatever we say? In the interests of understand-

ing, I’ve made a list of reasons people argue with us.

•
They have bad memories.
“My wife and I argue all the time about

whether one of us said something or not. I wish I could record our

conversations. I should know what I said, shouldn’t I?”

•
They’re selfish.
“My boyfriend insists that we spend Christ-

120
THE REAL REASONS PEOPLE DON’T LISTEN

mas with his parents. Why can’t we spend Christmas with my

family?”

•
They’re ignorant.
“We interviewed three job candidates last week,

and I thought one of them was clearly the best. So it was a shock

when two thirds of the group voted for one of the other candi-

dates.”

•
They’re old- fashioned.
“My father doesn’t have voice mail. So I

often have to call several times just to give him a simple message.

When I suggest that he get an answering machine he says ‘What do

I need one of those for?’ ”

•
They’re stubborn.
“My wife says we should keep the car for another

year before buying a new one. When I remind her that a new car

will cost less now than next year, she insists that it will be cheaper

in the long run to keep our present car for another twenty-five

thousand miles.”

•
They’re naïve.
“My daughter wants to study creative writing in col-

lege. She has no idea how hard it is to make a living as a writer.”

•
They’re emotional.
“When I tell my boyfriend that it’s too expen-

sive to visit each other every single weekend, he gets all hurt and

angry.”

•
They’re bossy.
“My husband insists on going out to dinner almost

every night. Why can’t we eat at home once in a while?”

•
They don’t really listen to what we’re saying.
“Whenever I bring

up some chore that my boyfriend doesn’t like doing and say that we

don’t have to do it right away, he never hears the don’t, and he’s

always getting needlessly upset.”

It’s easy to see what these explanations have in common: They under-

score the basic fact that when other people argue with us, it’s their fault.

Naturally, it’s our responsibility to straighten them out.

Why, some of you sticklers for fairness might be thinking, is it never

we who are selfish, stubborn, or naïve? Because what we say makes sense.

There are, of course, two sides to every argument. But when we argue,

we insist on repeating our side without listening to the other person’s posi-

tion.

Responsive listening
is a technique designed to reduce arguments by

hearing the other person’s side of the story before giving your own. Respon-

How Emotionality Makes Us Defensive
121

sive listening allows you to shift from an adversarial stance, reflexively

countering what someone else is saying, to a receptive stance, allowing

the other person to express his feelings, while you put your feelings on

hold. Responsive listening was developed to resolve arguments. However,

as you’ll see in subsequent chapters, responsive listening will enable you to

improve your listening in almost any situation.

Here’s how responsive listening works.

Responsive Listening

1. At the first sign of an argument, check the impulse to argue back

and concentrate on listening to the other person’s side of the

story.

2. Invite the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and wishes— without

defending or disagreeing.

3. Repeat the other person’s position in your own words to show

what you think he or she is thinking and feeling.

4. Ask the other person to correct your impression or elaborate on

his or her point of view.

5. Reserve your own response until later. On important or conten-

tious issues, wait a day or so before giving your side of the issue.

On minor matters pause and ask if the other person would be

willing to hear what you think.

When someone starts to argue with what you’ve said, your first impulse

is to explain or restate your ideas. But when two people insist on talking,

neither one is likely to listen.

To break that pattern before the argument escalates, remind yourself

that you’re going to draw out the other person’s feelings before responding

with your own. Don’t even start to argue; stay in control by listening.

Arguments are like ping-pong games:

It takes two to keep them going.

122
THE REAL REASONS PEOPLE DON’T LISTEN

To really hear another person’s concerns, you have to suspend your

own agenda, at least temporarily. It isn’t possible to listen effectively when

you’re just waiting to respond. It may take some effort, but the active deci-

sion to postpone responding to explore the other person’s thinking is the

first step in breaking the chain of argumentation.

“I don’t remember saying that, but you may be right. What do you

want to do about this situation?”

When is an argument not an argument?

When you don’t argue back.

Because most people expect arguments to focus on the outcome, it

may take a little time for people to learn that you really are interested in

understanding their feelings. On the first few occasions you try responsive

listening, the other person may be impatient to get to a resolution. The

ability to resist being drawn too quickly into making a decision begins with

a conscious decision to focus first on the other person’s feelings.

“Do we have to go out to dinner every night?”

“Why don’t you like going out to dinner, honey?”

One reason people doubt that we understand how they feel is that

we fail to let them know we heard them. Silence is ambiguous. Repeating

the other person’s position in your own words is the best way to let him

know that you understand. Don’t sum up what you’ve heard as though

that should be the end of it, however, but rather as a means of inviting the

other person to elaborate so that you can
really
understand.

“Let me see if I understand. You don’t like going out to dinner every

night because none of the places we go to serves vegetables, and you

don’t feel like we’re eating healthy enough?”

Notice how this paraphrase is expressed with a question. The point

isn’t to convey that you understand but to convey that you’re trying to.

The fourth step of responsive listening is tied directly to the third. I

How Emotionality Makes Us Defensive
123

list it separately to emphasize the importance of getting the other person

to elaborate on his or her position. The point of responsive listening isn’t

to reach some conclusion—or to cut off the discussion—but to allow the

person you’re talking to tell her side of the story—and to feel that you’re

listening to it. The longer the other person talks, the longer the cycle of

arguing is avoided. The goal is communication.

“I think I understand what you’re saying, but I want to be sure. Do you

mean . . . ?”

“I’m not completely sure I understand what you mean. You’re say-

ing , but I wish you’d say more about [your position] so

I can get it straight.”

Sometimes, after showing that you understand the other person’s

reasons for not agreeing with you, you may simply want to reaffirm your

position. The conversation now switches from understanding to reach-

ing a decision. At this point, any attempt to justify your position as any-

thing other than your personal opinion or preference only invites further

debate. Just say “Well, this is how I feel,” and then if a decision is required,

the two of you can negotiate an agreement that hopefully takes both of

your preferences into account. I’ll have more to say about negotiating

later.

As often as possible, it’s a good idea to separate the conversation in

which you try to be understanding from the one in which you have to reach

a decision. Doing so makes the other person feel that you are considering

his or her position, and it gives you time to review your options with less

pressure. Responsive listening isn’t magic. It doesn’t eliminate differences

of opinion. It’s only a device to reduce the argumentativeness of disagree-

ments. But you’ll find that it is a very useful device—if you remember that

the goal is to draw the other person out and really listen.

There are a variety of other approaches that encourage listeners to

acknowledge the speaker’s feelings, but most of them are designed to bring

the conversation to a quick conclusion.

“I understand how you feel, but now I want to tell you what I think.”

124
THE REAL REASONS PEOPLE DON’T LISTEN

This “yes, but” approach doesn’t work very well. Responsive listening

is designed not to summarize conversations but to open them up. Even if

your only goal is to get the other person to accept your position, getting

him to talk at length about his point of view is the best way to put him

in a receptive frame of mind. A perfunctory acknowledgment of feelings

usually doesn’t work.

When you’re trying to empathize with someone’s feelings, saying “I

understand” isn’t very understanding. It implies that you already know

what the other person is trying to say. Since you already know what she’s

feeling, there’s no need for her to talk about it.

Imagine how you’d feel if you were worried about an upcoming pre-

sentation at work, and you said to your mate something like, “Honey, you

know I’m a little worried about how I’m going to handle that project I’ve

been working on,” and he responded with a perfunctory expression of sym-

pathy, “Yeah, I know what you mean,” and then turned back to what he

was doing. How would you feel?

Actually, a more useful thing to say when trying to appreciate what

someone is feeling is “I
don’t
understand.”

“I’m not sure I really understand how you feel. Can you explain it to

me?”

“I think I understand how you feel, but I’m not certain. Can you tell

me?”

The difference between saying “I’m not sure how you

feel” and “I know how you feel” is the difference between

showing an interest in listening and not.

The point of responsive listening isn’t to get to the point where you

can paraphrase what the other person has said. The point is to get that

person to talk. It’s the talking—the communicative act of expressing feel-

ings to someone who cares enough to listen, not the accuracy of the listen-

er’s perception—that makes people feel understood. When it’s genuine,

responsive listening is a way around arguments, and a way inside other

people’s feelings.

How Emotionality Makes Us Defensive
125

Listening with a Clenched Mind

Listeners anxious to avoid conflict may not listen because they’re too busy

protecting themselves to be open to what someone else is trying to say.