The Lost Art of Listening (53 page)
Read The Lost Art of Listening Online
Authors: Michael P. Nichols
Resentment, 230–233
305–306
Reacting defensively.
See
Resistance to speaking,
reluctance in, 62–64
Defensive reacting
62–64, 257.
See
Overreaction, 101–104, 181, Reactivity, emotional.
See
also
Reticence in
184–187, 192.
See also
Emotional reactivity
communication
Emotional reactivity
Reasons people don’t listen
Respect, 98–99, 270–273
emotional reactivity, 51–52 Respecting yourself, 27–36
Paraphrasing, 145–146,
listener’s agenda, 48–50
Responding, 11–15, 111–
149–150
overview, 42–44
117.
See also
Emotional
Parenting.
See also
Children,
preconceived notions,
reactivity
listening to; Teenagers,
50–51
Responsive listening
listening to
specific reasons, 44–52
arguments and, 120–124
balancing intimacy
transference, 45–48
creating a climate of
and independence in
Reassurance, 16–17, 20–22,
understanding and,
a relationship and,
39, 86–87
158–159
214–216
Rebelling, 179, 276–277
listening to children and,
being heard and, 235–251
Relationships.
See also
253–263
boundaries and, 236–240,
Children, listening
overview, 121–124,
245–247
to; Families; Friends;
158–159
emotional reactivity and,
Teenagers, listening to
Responsive unavailability,
114–115, 188–189
balancing intimacy and
155–156
empathy and, 252–254
independence in,
Restraint in communication,
gender and, 65
213–216
104
helping children open up
bitterness and, 230–233
Reticence in communication
and, 80–81
changes in, 12–13
burden of listening and,
listening to children and,
complaining without
80–81
26–27
fighting and, 225–230
emotional reactivity and,
self-respect and, 27–36
desires for attention and
194
sensitivities carried over
solitude within, 211–213
listening to teenagers and,
from, 102–104
differences in, 219–222
265–270
supporting each other in,
emotional reactivity and,
overview, 62–64, 133–135
248–251
127–131, 192–194
relationships and, 133–135
Passive attention, 74,
expectations and, 99–101
relinquishing control and,
143–144
hurt feelings and, 131–133
151–152
Index
313
self-reflective observation
cutting someone off and,
empathic listening and,
and, 172–175
161
163
Rules of listening, 52–61,
failed listening and, 81–88
failures of, 3
58–61
gender and, 91–92
intent and impact and, 45
insincere listening and,
preconceived notions and,
Sarcasm, 181
88–91
157–158
Selective attunement, 255
interruptions and, 82–83,
problems of linear thinking
Self-actualization, 26–27
88
and, 52–61
Self-conscious listener, 89,
joking around and, 85–86
relinquishing control and,
305–306
overview, 74–77, 92–95
151
Self-interest, 307
passive attention, 74
suspending the self in
Selfishness, 119–120
reassurance and, 86–87
listening and, 74–77
Selflessness, 77–81.
See also
sharing similar stories and, Unshared thoughts, effects
Suspending the self in
82–83
of, 39–41
listening
sympathy and, 83–84
Unwillingness to
Selfobjects, 18–19
when the speaker repeats
communication.
Self-possessed listener, 194
the same concerns, 87
See
Reticence in
Self-protection, 125
Sympathy
communication
Self-reflective observation,
compared to empathy,
172–175
163–164
Validation, 15–18, 146
Self-reliance, 213–216
friendships and, 284–285
Verbal development, 35–36
Self-respect, 27–36
parenting and, 253
Sensitivity
suspending the self in
Whining, 257–259
carried over from our
listening and, 75–76,
Why people don’t listen.
See
families, 102–104
83–84
Reasons people don’t
checking to see if the
listen
person is busy and,
Taking an interest in others.
Women and communication,
171–172
See
Interest in the
64–67, 91–92.
See
emotional reactivity and,
speaker
also
Gender and
193–194
Taking sides, friendships and,
communication
expectations and, 166–172
283–286
Workplace communication,
hypersensitivity, 99–101,
Taking turns in a
293–303
102–104, 111–117
conversation, 145,
listening to teenagers and,
160–162, 227.
See also
266
Suspending the self in
office communications
listening
and, 300–301
Talking too much, 61–62
Setbacks, 4
Tantrums, 259–261
Setting of communication,
Teenagers, listening to,
58–61
252–254, 263–278.
See
Sexual relationship, 150
also
Parenting
Shame, 199
Thoughts, unshared, 39–41
Showing off, 255–256
Timing of communication,
Sides, taking, 283–286
58–61
Silent arguing, 266–269
Tolerance, 116–117,
Solitude, 40, 174, 211–213
117–118
Stereotypes regarding
Transference, 45–48
listening, 44, 91–92, 250, Triangulation, 240–245, 300
275–277
Stubbornness, 120, 269
Understanding in
Support, asking for, 153–154
communication
Suspending the self in
affirmation of, 144–150
listening
arguments and, 125
acknowledgment and,
confidence and, 36–37
86–87
creating a climate of,
advice-giving and, 84–85
158–159
appreciation and, 86,
defensive reacting and,
141–144
182–184
burden of listening and,
emotional reactivity and,
77–81
199
About the Author
About the A
About the Author
Michael P. Nichols, PhD,
Professor of Psychology at the College of
William and Mary, is the author of
Stop Arguing with Your Kids,
among
numerous other books. He is a well-known therapist and a popular
speaker.
314