The Lost Art of Listening (44 page)

work, or do you not like having to show it to me?”

Sustaining Empathy as Children Grow

Thinking about sad-faced children, it’s hard not to be touched. You want

to put your arms around those kids and love them. You know how they

feel. But here’s where it’s possible to get confused. Empathy is generous,

and so it’s easy to slide into thinking of it as just another way of saying lov-

ing kindness. Empathy is loving, but it doesn’t mean being affectionate or

supportive or helpful or a lot of other nice things. Some parents are loving,

but the love they express is so suffocating that it smothers their children’s

initiative and is anything but empathic.

It’s easier to listen to children’s wants

when parents are firm with their wills.

3Cherie L. Bayer and Donald J. Cegala, “Trait Verbal Aggressiveness and Argumentative-

ness: Relations with Parenting Style,”
Western Journal of Communication
, 1992,
56
, 301–

310.

Listening to Children and Teenagers
263

Parents who allow the boundary between generations to erode become

not grownups-in- charge but peers and playmates, without the authority to

enforce boundaries or the credibility to comfort and protect. “No” is less

palatable than “yes,” and so it’s often served with a lot of verbal sauce, the

way some people try to get kids to eat vegetables by smothering them in

butter and salt (the vegetables). These parents won’t magically take charge

if someone teaches them to use gold stars and time-out chairs. Setting

limits and enforcing rules— beginning when children are small— follows

naturally from maintaining a clear boundary between the generations. It

also permits and facilitates empathy.

When children are little, the greatest impediment to empathy is a

parent’s not being in charge. When children get a little older, the hardest

part of empathy is letting them be themselves. Most parents can empathize

with children when they’re little. They’re comfortable with closeness. But

sustaining empathy means allowing children to differentiate, to have their

own wishes, their own interests, their own feelings. Children aren’t merely

cute or headstrong; they’re people, and they yearn, like you and me, to be

taken seriously.

Perhaps the most important shift a parent can make is to move from

wanting their children to be successful to being pleased with them, right

now, loving them, enjoying them, and accepting that they are who they

are. They are separate from us; they are themselves. Parents can begin to

really hear their children only when they set aside thinking of them as

unfinished products, clay for the parents to mold. None of this is meant

to say that we shouldn’t limit our children’s behavior—for our own con-

venience as well as for their own good. But once we accept that they are

who they are, for better or worse, we can worry less about them, relax our

attempts to control and reform and manipulate and improve them, and

concentrate on listening to them.

Listening to Teenagers

One reason parenting remains an amateur sport is that as soon as you get

the hang of it, the children get a little older and throw you a whole new

set of curves. Wise parents learn to shift their style of parenting to accom-

modate to their children’s development.

264
LISTENING IN CONTEXT

Marlene could hardly believe that her little boy was fifteen. It didn’t

seem that long ago that Dylan had followed her around the house wanting

to do everything with her. Now he was a gangly adolescent who wanted

nothing to do with her. Almost overnight, it seemed, her little boy had

shot up, sprouted hair on his face, and developed an attitude.

Dylan still occasionally tolerated his mother’s company, but even

then he could be hard to talk to. One minute they’d be chatting amiably,

and the next thing you knew Dylan would lapse into gloomy silence.

Dylan didn’t argue with his parents openly, the way many teenagers

did, but he was getting harder to talk to. Half the time all he seemed to do

was grunt.

Adolescence is a famously difficult time for the family. Most teenagers

go through a period of rebelliousness, defining themselves as independent

through opposition to their parents. Some fight openly with their parents;

others, like Dylan, go underground.

If we look at the family as a system in transformation, we can see

teenagers in the vanguard for change. In pushing for autonomy they want

to loosen the ties that hold them back and redefine their relationship

with their parents. Conflict is inevitable because, while parents want to

slow the transition (“I’m still your father”), teenagers want to speed it up

(“Don’t you trust me?”).

Early signs of defiance begin at age twelve or thirteen. Preadolescents

begin to argue about everything—baggy pants, short skirts, tattoos, eat-

ing habits, chores, messy rooms, homework, cell phones, computer time,

television, R-rated movies, parties. It’s tempting to say that the outcome of

these struggles depends on the quality of communication between parents

and children. And while to a certain extent that’s true, the underlying

issue is attitudinal.

The problem isn’t just curfews or clothes; the real problem is that

teenagers are challenging the rules that govern family relationships. They

no longer want to be treated like children. They want to be treated like

people.

As parents, we tend to see things through the prism of our own expe-

rience. We weren’t as advantaged as today’s teens. We didn’t have cell

phones or computers. Our parents didn’t spend the kind of money on us

that we spend on our kids. Today’s teenagers have it easy. All they have to

Listening to Children and Teenagers
265

do is stand by while their bodies, raging with hormones, shoot up, change

shape, and sprout hair in the most unlikely places. Well, not exactly stand

by—just finish high school, figure out what they want to do with the rest

of their lives, get good grades, do volunteer work, fall in love and have

their hearts broken, make friends, lose friends, and transform themselves

from the children they were to the adults they want to be. How hard can

that be?

Adolescence is almost inevitably a difficult passage for the whole fam-

ily, but it needn’t be as antagonistic as we’ve come to expect. It can be an

enjoyable, even exciting, time for everyone in the family. Teenagers bring

new styles, new attitudes, and new information into the family. They keep

their parents up to date and on their toes. Although some parents get

defensive and resist their children’s changing status, others welcome the

breath of fresh ideas.

Holding On and Letting Go

Parents can err in either of two directions: by letting their children go too

early and too easily, thus depriving them of support and guidance; or by

holding on too tight, too long, and thus becoming a force against which

to rebel. Flexible boundaries give teenagers room to explore but keep lines

of communication open. What’s the secret of finding the right balance?

Listening works wonders.

But it’s not just listening as a passive taking in. It’s making an active

effort to tune in and hear what your teenager is saying. It’s connecting.

“My Kids Never Talk to Me Anymore.”

“How was school today?”

“Fine.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

One of the hardest things about being a parent of teenagers is that

they start to shut you out. Beginning at about age eleven some kids begin

266
LISTENING IN CONTEXT

to slip away from their parents, retreating more and more into their own

worlds. By fourteen most teenagers are a mystery to their parents.

Teenagers don’t talk to their parents because they don’t expect to get

listened to. Would you open up to someone if you anticipated criticism,

interrogation, and advice giving?

Don’t Pry

The quickest way to get shut out is to ask prying questions. Spend time

with your kids, but be patient; wait for the oyster to open.

Adolescence is a time of exquisite sensitivity to criticism because it’s

not just an emerging self but a changing self that is vulnerable to accep-

tance or rejection. Exposed and trapped in their own bodies, preoccupied

and troubled about sex, popularity, achievement, success, self- indulgence,

and self- denial, teenagers are on display all day at school and they feel

under terrific scrutiny. No wonder they’re sensitive to what their parents

say.

Whether or not children open up to their parents

depends on the reception they expect.

Teenagers won’t open up to their parents if they expect their feelings

to be disavowed.

“It can’t be that bad.”

“You’re making too much out of it.”

“Nobody is that mean.”

“You must have done something to make him respond that way.”

It isn’t just words that convey this lack of acceptance; it can be chang-

ing the subject, rolling your eyes, or ignoring your teenager’s feelings alto-

gether.

What do teenagers do when they stay out late? Most parents would

Listening to Children and Teenagers
267

love to know. But when they ask too many questions, they get few answers,

because kids don’t like to be cross- examined.

“What did you do?”

“Who was there?”

“Why did you do that?”

“What were you doing there in the first place?”

These same parents may complain that their teenagers don’t share

with them what’s going on with their friends or at school.

“Did you have fun today?”

“Why do you stay in your room?”

“Why aren’t you going to the dance?”

“Do any of your friends take drugs?”

“What’s wrong with asking questions?” you ask. Nothing. It’s not so

much the questions that turn teenagers off; it’s that parents ask their chil-

dren to reveal their feelings but don’t reveal any of their own. This feels

like an interrogation, rather than a mutual exchange.

What Happens When Your Kids Talk to You?

Did that question make you think about what your kids do in conversation

with you? How about what you do?

Do you give them your full attention? Do you turn off the TV or com-

puter? Do you put down the paper? Do you make eye contact?

If you give your children half of your attention, what are you telling

them they’re worth to you?

Oh, you do give your kids your full attention? In fact, you’re dying to

get them to talk to you? But do you approach them with an open, recep-

tive attitude? Are you prepared to hear what’s on their minds, or do you

pressure them to talk about what’s on your mind?

Another form of teenage withholding is “silent arguing.”

268
LISTENING IN CONTEXT

Todd walked into the living room where his son Daniel was sprawled

on the couch watching TV. “Danny,” he said, “tomorrow is garbage day.

Will you please take out the garbage before you go to bed?”

“Uh-huh,” Daniel replied.

The following evening when Todd came home from work, he was

annoyed to see the garbage bag still sitting in the kitchen where he’d left

it the night before. He was annoyed, not only because the garbage hadn’t

been taken out, but also because Daniel had broken yet another agreement

with him.

As should be obvious, Todd didn’t really have an agreement with his

son. He asked Daniel to do something while he was watching TV, and

Daniel mumbled whatever it would take to get his father to leave him

alone. Daniel probably didn’t intend
not
to take out the garbage, but he

never really made a conscious commitment to do so.

Although some teenagers don’t argue openly with their parents, they

don’t exactly do what they’re asked, either. They agree only to avoid being

hassled. Their “okay” doesn’t mean “Okay, I’ll do it” as much as “Okay, I

hear you, now leave me alone.”

Silent Arguing

You can recognize silent arguing in a pattern of a teenager’s not doing

what you expect of him or her and with a general avoidance of discus-

sion. When confronted, the silent arguer will say “I forgot” or “Okay, I’ll

do it later.”

When someone repeatedly fails to do what you expect, it’s a safe bet

that he or she doesn’t want to. That much may be obvious. But what may

be less obvious is that silent arguers often “forget” because they don’t

think something really needs to be done or they don’t think it’s fair that

they have to be the one to do it. One way to find out is to ask.

The reason for silent arguing is not believing that the other

person is open to your point of view.

Listening to Children and Teenagers
269

“It seems like I always have to remind you to cut the grass. Do you

resent having to do it?”

“Do you think it isn’t fair that I want you to make your bed in the