The Lost Art of Listening (52 page)

overview, 305–306

153–154

Preconceived notions

pain involved in the

friendships and, 289–290

Attacks, verbal, 186–187.

absence of, 11–15

overview, 84–85

See also
Criticism;

toning down your message

parenting and, 253

Provocation

and, 195–199

sensitivity and, 170–171

Attention

Biased listening, 92–93,

Affirmation, 15–18, 139,

burden of listening and,

96–99

144–150

77–81

Bitterness in relationships,

Agenda of the listener, 48–50

creating a climate of

230–233, 306–307

Agreement.
See

understanding and, 159

Blaming

Disagreement

desires for within a

apologizing and, 126

Anger, 181–184, 231–232

relationship, 211–213

bitterness and, 230–233

Anxiety, 118, 179, 188–189

faking, 88–89

defensive reacting and,

Apologizing, 125–126,

listening to children and,

179

131–133

254–255

enmeshment and, 247–248

Appreciation

need for, 101

failure to understand and, 3

overview, 18–23, 25–26,

overview, 139–141,

repetition of topics and, 87

86, 139, 141–144

306–307

Bosses, 297–301

self-respect and, 30

passive attention, 74

Bossiness, 120, 269

309

310
Index

Boundaries in relationships

Criticism.
See also
Advice-

origins of, 188–192

emotional reactivity and,

giving

overview, 51–52, 111, 176

127–131

arguments and, 125

people listening to others

enmeshment and, 247–248

complaining without

but not you, 126–127

within families, 236–240,

fighting and, 225–230

people that are hard to

245–247

emotional reactivity and,

listen to and, 127–131

office communications

111–117, 184–187

pursuer–distancer dynamic

and, 301–303

friendships and, 289–290

and, 134–135

Bragging, 255–256

listening to children and,

as relationships evolve,

Burden of listening, 77–81

255–256

192–194

listening to teenagers and,

reticence in

Caring, 74, 305, 307

266

communication and,

Child development

nagging and, 222

133–135

confidence and, 36–37

toning down your message

trying to control feelings

emotional reactivity and,

and, 197–198

and, 200–201

114–115

Cutting someone off during a Emotions.
See
Feelings

gender and, 65

conversation, 160–162

Empathic listening.
See also

role of being listened to in,

Empathy

26–27

Decorum, rules of, 59.
See

burden of listening and,

self-respect and, 27–36

also
Rules of listening

77–81

Child-centered parents,

Defensive reacting.
See also

confidence and, 36–37

254–255.
See also

Emotional reactivity

infant development and,

Parenting

emotional reactivity

27–36

Children, listening to,

and, 51–52, 127–131,

overview, 39, 163–166,

24–26, 252–263.
See also

178–181, 188

306–307

Parenting

empathy and, 176–177

Empathy.
See also
Empathic

Communication, 39–41, 45,

overview, 3–4

listening

58–61, 166–168

people that are hard to

assumptions and, 162–166

Complaining, 222–225,

listen to and, 127–131

compared to sharing

225–230, 288–289

unshared thoughts and, 40

personal experiences, 15

Compromise, 228–230

Defiance, 274–277, 296

emotional reactivity and,

Conclusions, jumping to,

Dependence, 31, 127–131,

176–177

159–162

193–194, 247–248

friendships and, 284–285

Condescending kindness,

Disagreement, 146–149,

listening to children and,

75–76

149–150, 228–230,

262–263

Confidence, 36–37, 39

286–289.
See also

overview, 10, 158

Confirmation, 145–146

Arguments

parenting and, 252–254

Connections to others,

Distancer–pursuer dynamic,

responsive listening and,

131–133, 277–278

134–135, 216–219

124

Constructive criticism, 289–

Distraction, 85–86, 152, 174

Encouragement, 79–80

290.
See also
Criticism

Dominating, defensive

Enthusiasm in responding,

Context of communication,

reacting and, 179

32–33

58–61

Exercises

Control

Egocentric listening, 92–93

assumptions and

cutting someone off and,

E-mail communications,

expectations, 109–110

160–162

57–58

development and

learning to listen and,

Emotional reactivity.
See also

connection, 41

307–308

Defensive reacting

emotional reactivity,

listening to teenagers and,

arguments and, 117–126

135–136, 156, 201–202

269, 270–273, 276–277

avoiding when provoked,

empathic listening and, 175

nagging and, 224

177–188

families, 251

in parenting, 238–239

complaining without

friend and office

relinquishing, 151–153

fighting and, 227

communications, 303

responsive unavailability

connections and, 131–133

How Good a Listener Are

and, 155–156

countertransference and, 48

You?
quiz, 67–69

Conversational styles,

criticism and, 111–117

importance of listening,

166–168, 173–174

empathy and, 176–177

23–24

Countertransference, 47–48

hurt feelings and, 131–133

listening to children and

Courtship, 209–211.
See also

listening to teenagers and,

teenagers, 279

Relationships

274–277

relationships, 233–234

Index
311

suspending the self in

listening to children and,

How Good a Listener Are You?

listening and, 93–95

26–27

quiz, 67–69

Expectations.
See also

sensitivities carried over

Hurt feelings, 11–15, 18–19,

Preconceived notions

from, 102–104

131–133.
See also

creating a climate of

structures of, 235–251

Feelings

understanding and,

Feedback, 45, 145–146

Hypersensitivity, 99–101,

158–159

Feelings

102–104, 111–117.
See

divided selves and,

acknowledgment and,

also
Sensitivity

105–109

86–87

within families, 236

complaining without

Impact of a communication,

intimacy and, 191

fighting and, 227

45, 53–55

office communications

defensive reacting and, 183 Independence, 127–131,

and, 296, 301

dismissal of, 86–87

213–216, 224, 273–274

overreaction and, 101–104

empathic listening and, 163 Infant development, 27–36,

overview, 50–51, 99–101

hurt feelings, 11–15,

65

preconceived notions and,

18–19, 131–133

Insecurity, 16–17, 254

157–158

intolerance to, 169–170

Insensitivity.
See
Sensitivity

sensitivity and, 166–172

listening to teenagers and,

Intention, 45, 53–55

toning down your message

266–267

Interest in the speaker, 74–81,

and, 197–198

reassurance and, 86–87

139–141, 209–210

Explanations, 157

sensitivity and, 168

Interruptions

trying to control, 200–201

appreciation and, 142

Failed listening

unrestrained, 104

asking for support and, 154

acknowledgment and,

Feminist theories, 64–65.

cutting someone off and,

86–87

See also
Gender and

160–162

advice giving and, 84–85

communication

overview, 88

appreciation and, 86

Friends.
See also

relinquishing control and,

arguments and, 120, 125

Relationships

151

interruptions and, 82–83,

conflicts with, 286–289

to share a similar story,

88

constructive criticism and,

82–83

joking around and, 85–86

289–290

Intimacy, 190–191, 213–216,

office communications

as listeners, 280–283

247–248.
See also

and, 299

loss of, 290–293

Relationships

overview, 81–88

office communications

Intolerance, 116–118, 170

reassurance and, 86–87

and, 293–303

Introversion, 133–134

sharing similar stories and,

taking sides and, 283–286

Invalidation.
See
Validation

82–83

Isolation, 37, 39–41

sympathy and, 83–84

Gender and communication

“I-statements,” 148

when the speaker repeats

disagreement and, 149–150

the same concerns, 87

listening to teenagers and,

Joking around, 85–86

Faking listening, 88–89

277–278

Jumping to conclusions,

Families.
See also

overview, 64–67, 91–92

159–162

Children, listening to;

parenting and, 250

Relationships; Teenagers,

relationships and, 222

Kindness, condescending,

listening to

stereotyping and, 44

75–76

balancing intimacy

Giving advice.
See
Advice

and independence in

giving

Language development,

a relationship and,

Gossip, office

35–36

214–216

communications and,

Linear thinking, 52–61

being heard within,

300

Listening to yourself,

235–251

Gratitude, 86.
See also

173–174

boundaries and, 236–240,

Appreciation

245–247

Guidelines for good listening, Managers, office

conversational styles and,

152–153

communications and,

167–168

297–301

emotional reactivity and,

Hard-to-listen-to people,

Marriage.
See
Relationships

114–115, 188–189

61–64, 127–131,

Men and communication,

emotional triangles and,

155–156, 223–224

44, 64–67, 91–92.

240–245

Hostile questions, 152–153,

See also
Gender and

179–180

communication

312
Index

Message in communication,

Patterns of interactions,

lack of appreciation and,

45, 53–58

208–209, 278

18–23

Mutuality, 37–39, 282

People that are hard to

mutuality and, 37–39

listen to, 61–64,

nagging and, 222–225

Nagging, 222–225, 238–239

127–131, 155–156,

office communications

Needs, suspending in

223–224

and, 301

listening.
See
Suspending Point of view, 141–144,

overview, 205–207

the self in listening

146–149

between parents and

Nonverbal communication,

Preconceived notions, 50–51,

children, 26–27

258

157–158, 158–159.
See

patterns of interactions

also
Assumptions in

and, 208–209

Object relations theory,

listening

people that are hard to

99–101, 274

Prejudice in listening,

listen to and, 127–131

Office communications,

96, 99–101.
See also

pursuer-distancer dynamic

293–303

Assumptions in listening;

and, 134–135, 216–219

Openness

Biased listening

reticence in, 133–135

autonomy and, 307

Projection, 47, 250

rhythms of change in,

burden of listening and,

Provocation, 177–188,

209–211

80–81

272–273

sensitivity and, 168–169

checking to see if the

Pursuer-distancer dynamic,

taking sides and, 283–286

person is busy and,

134–135, 216–219

understanding in, 207–209

171–172

Reluctance to open up,

emotional reactivity and,

Questions, 152–153,

62–64.
See also
Reticence

194

179–180

in communication

empathy and, 163–166

Quiz, “How Good a Listener

Repetition of topics, 87

within families, 236

Are You?,” 67–69

Repression, 39–41, 107

overview, 162–166,