The Lost Art of Listening (50 page)

managers make it safe for everyone to offer their ideas and opinions—

even ideas that appear to be wrong or at odds with their own beliefs.

This openness accomplishes two things: it adds to the pool of informa-

tion, which makes for more informed decisions, and it makes people feel

included in the decision- making process. The larger the pool of ideas, the

better the final decision is likely to turn out. And the more people feel they

have participated in the decision making, the more willingly they are likely

to act on the decisions that get made.

Effective managers are proactive listeners. They don’t wait for mem-

bers of their staff to come to them; they make an active effort to find out

what people think and feel by asking them.

The manager who meets frequently with staff members stays informed

and, even more important, communicates interest in the people them-

selves.

An open-door policy allows access, but it doesn’t substitute for an

active effort to reach out and listen to people. The manager who doesn’t

ask questions communicates that he or she doesn’t care. And if he or she

doesn’t listen, the message is “I’m not there for you.” Even if a manager

decides not to follow a subordinate’s suggestion or not to give someone

a raise, listening with sincere interest conveys respect and makes the

employee feel appreciated.

When Marshall and Steve hired Marianne, they were impressed by

her maturity. They thought of her as a self- sufficient person who would

share the load. You might think that as experienced people they would

have been more sensitive to a new colleague’s need for support. But the

truth is, they did their best work outside the office. When they sat down to

court an agent or an author, they were very sensitive.

Marshall and Steve didn’t offer Marianne any supervision because

they
never got any. What didn’t occur to them was that their friendship

had sustained their own need for support. The mistake they made in deal-

ing with Marianne was thinking about her only as a worker and not as

a person. Interest in peers may come easily; but, even if it doesn’t come

cies because their advisors trip over themselves to agree with the boss. If agreement equals

access, bad choices are unlikely to be challenged (cf. the wars in Vietnam and Iraq).

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naturally, senior people must take an interest in junior people. They’re the

ones who get the work done.

Communicating by memo or e-mail doesn’t

substitute for personal contact, because it

closes off the chance to listen.

Simply going through the motions of meeting with people doesn’t

work. The fake listener doesn’t fool anyone. Poor eye contact, shuffling

feet, busy hands, and disingenuous replies, like “That’s interesting” and “Is

that right?” give them away. The insincere supervisor’s lack of interest in

the conversation betrays a larger problem: lack of interest in the person.

Failure to listen isn’t necessarily a product of meanness or insensitiv-

ity. Anxiety, preoccupation, and pressure can undermine the skills of even

a good listener. The point is, really, that at work, as in every other arena of

life, listening requires a little effort.

Effective managers develop a routine in which communication time

is an integral part. They meet with their staff and ask questions. They

don’t react before gathering all the facts. If they don’t know what their

people are thinking and feeling, they ask—and they listen.

Listening to Empower

A family therapy institute invited six leaders in the field to serve as a board

of advisors. At their initial meeting each of the first five experts made

suggestions about how the institute could improve their programs. The

sixth member of the board took an entirely different approach. He asked

everyone on the staff to talk about what they most wanted to accomplish

and how they thought he could support them in that. It was a remarkably

productive way to bring out the best of people’s ideas.

What If Your Boss Doesn’t Listen?

If at this point we were to leave the subject of listening at the workplace,

we would have fallen into the easy habit of reducing a complex subject to

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a simple formula: thoughtful managers listen to what their employees have

to say. Where does that leave those who don’t get listened to?

When we don’t feel heard by our superiors, few of us give up right

away. We write memos, we ask to meet with them, we try to communicate

our needs and convey our point of view. Then we give up. Eventually we

do what Marianne did: complain to other people.

Once Marianne came to the conclusion that her colleagues were

uninterested and unavailable, she started griping to the receptionist.

Gossip is a form of consciousness lowering. The rules of the game are

simple: players are free to run down anybody who’s not in the room. (Hint:

If you play this game, don’t leave the room.)

Triangulation— ventilating feelings of frustration to third parties

rather than addressing conflicts at their source—takes on epidemic pro-

portions in work settings. Letting off steam by complaining about other

people is a perfectly human thing to do. The problem is that habitual com-

plaining about superiors locks us into passivity and resentment. We may

have given up trying to get through to the sons of bitches, but by God we

don’t mind saying what we think of them—as long as they aren’t within

earshot.

I once worked in a clinic with six other therapists, where everyone

except the director went out to lunch together every day. Guess what

the main topic of conversation was? The director and what a rigid guy he

was. And guess what the group did about it? Complained regularly among

themselves, as though they were a resistible force and he were an immov-

able object.3

But, some of you might be thinking, my boss
really is
insensitive! I’ve

tried
to talk to him; he just doesn’t listen!

I don’t doubt it. People aren’t promoted because they’re good listeners.

They get promoted because they’re good workers, or maybe good talkers.

Moreover, positions of authority encourage the directive side of human

nature, often at the expense of receptivity. The mistake people make in

trying to get through to unreceptive superiors is the same mistake most of

3When I became the director of an outpatient psychiatry department, I remembered this

lesson. I scheduled weekly staff meetings, the first half of which was devoted to discussing

patients, and the second half was for the staff to bring up anything they were unhappy about,

any suggestions they had, or anything they could think of that would make their jobs more

rewarding. The result was a pretty cohesive unit.

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301

us make in dealing with the difficult people in our lives: We try to change

them. And when that doesn’t work, we give up.

You don’t improve relationships by trying to change other

people, but by changing yourself in relation to them.

Start by examining your expectations. What do you want, and how

do you expect to go about getting it? Are you, as Marianne was, expecting

to have your personal needs met at the office? Do you work hard and wait

patiently for the boss to tell you that you’re doing a great job, like a good

little boy or girl? Have you learned to seek a reaction by being clever rather

than competent or by being pleasing rather than productive?

The workplace isn’t a family. Yet many of us relate to our bosses as

though they were our parents. The alternative is to think of yourselves

as two self- respecting adults who happen to occupy different positions at

the office. Marianne wanted Marshall and Steve to take her seriously, but

she hadn’t taken herself seriously. Trying too hard to be liked and waiting

patiently for the boss to recognize your worth are examples of not taking

yourself seriously.

The chairman of the department of psychiatry once complained to

me that certain faculty members responded to him as though he were their

father. I had to laugh.

One of the things that comes with a position of responsibility is

becoming the object of people’s attitudes toward authority. (I think it’s

called transference.) Supervisors should remember this when they meet

with their subordinates. When employees are summoned to meet with

the boss, they may expect a reprimand—why else would the boss call

you in?—rather than an open forum. Supervisors must break through

this anxiety by asking questions that show interest. And listening to the

answers.

Listening within Limits

Leslie was sympathetic when her secretary told her about the problems she

was having at home. But once Donna discovered what a willing listener

Leslie was, she started taking up more and more time talking about her

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problems. Donna’s troubles were beginning to interfere with work getting

done, and Leslie was getting annoyed. She wanted to be understanding,

but she didn’t want to be Donna’s mother. What to do?

If you have a good relationship with someone at work and that person

has a personal problem, your willingness to listen helps lighten the burden.

But some people are so full of their problems that they take advantage of

anyone willing to listen.

When personal conversations start keeping you from your work, cut

them off gently but firmly.

“I’d like to hear more, but I have to get back to work.”

“This all sounds pretty painful. I hope you have somebody to talk to

about these things?”

“Sorry, I think I hear my mother calling.”

Listening is important at work because it enables people to under-

stand each other, get along, and get the job done.
But
: Don’t get too per-

sonal. Don’t let your compassion (or desire to be appreciated) allow some-

one’s talking about his or her personal problems to interfere with work. This

may be happening if you’re the only person he talks to or if she uses your

sympathy as more than an occasional excuse for not getting things accom-

plished. A good supervisor keeps channels of (business) communication

open—and keeps them focused on the task at hand—by asking for fre-

quent feedback about how things are going (at work).

“What do you like and dislike so far about working here?”

“Is there anything you think we should change to make things

smoother?”

“How do you feel about . . . ?”

“What’s your reaction to . . . ?”

Remember that it can be intimidating for subordinates to give criti-

cism or make suggestions. If you want them to feel safe enough to open up,

reassure them that you appreciate their ideas.

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“I’m glad you spoke up.”

“Thanks for letting me know . . . ”

“I didn’t realize . . . I’m glad you told me.”

Listening to the people you work with isn’t the same as becoming

friends with them. Many people worry that if they allow themselves to get

personal at the office, things might get sticky. But those who think that

effective teamwork isn’t about listening (it’s about getting things done)

are wrong. Without being heard we are diminished, as workers and as

people.

Exercises

1.
In your next conversation with a friend, note any tendency to drift

away while the other person is talking. How much effort would it take

to concentrate on listening for exactly two more minutes? How much

effort is this friendship worth?

2.
Make a list of friends you’d like to be closer to. Then note things you

know those people like to do. Pick a friend and try to arrange doing

that activity together.

3.
Become a proactive listener. If you are a supervisor, manager, teacher,

therapist, parent, or otherwise in a position of authority, find a time in

the coming week to ask a subordinate what ideas or feelings about your

mutual enterprise he or she might have but has not had a chance to tell

you about. Be sure to make that person feel appreciated for opening up

to you. If the person says nothing, say that’s fine; if anything comes to

mind later, you’d be glad to hear about it.

4.
Think of a difficult colleague or supervisor. How do your interactions

with that person usually go? What do you do? For the next time you

meet with that person, plan to concentrate on listening and drawing

out his or her point of view. Afterward, evaluate your listening and its

impact on the relationship.

Epilogue

Epilogue

Epilogue

An epilogue is where the author can be expected to wax philosophical.

Here, for example, I might tell you that better listening not only trans-