The Lost Art of Listening (29 page)

Emotional intolerance is a huge impediment to listening. Some peo-

ple, like Tommy’s father, are so reactive to anger that they can’t tolerate

even normal amounts of this basic human emotion. Other people are just

the opposite: at the slightest provocation they flare up like a lit match. In

the next chapter we’ll see how to cope with anger and how to keep it from

spoiling listening.

It’s sad that we’re so reactive to the people closest to us. The closer

the relationship, the more engaged our own needs, and the more we need,

the harder it is to be receptive.

Sensitivity to Other People’s Inner Voices

One example of failing to be sensitive to other people’s need to be heard

is giving unwanted advice. When you’re tempted to give advice, remem-

ber those conflicting inner voices. Doing so may not only stop you from

wasting your breath (and credibility) but also might give you a fresh per-

spective on the person’s feelings and how to approach him or her about a

sensitive issue.

Empathy Begins with Openness
171

What if the issue has already touched off a tirade? The ideal response

to the person who goes into a rage about something is to acknowledge what

he’s feeling. Something’s bothering him, and he’s trying to tell you that.

But there are times when most of us find it impossible to listen to someone

who’s shrieking at us. And so the question becomes not how to defuse the

blowup but how to repair things afterward. That’s when thinking about

the other person’s rage and your reaction in terms of subpersonalities can

help you gain a little empathy and insight. Seeing a person’s tirade as a

childish tantrum may help you figure out that he feels weak and helpless,

not powerful. Powerful people don’t scream. But if screaming scares you

(welcome to the club), when you calm down, if you consider what kind of

person the screaming reduced you to (a scared kid, say), that in itself may

help you recover your objective adult self when it comes to addressing the

incident later.

“Have You Got a Minute?”

One way to use sensitivity to
get
better listening is by checking to see if the

person you want to talk to is busy. People signal their openness to conver-

sation by their posture. The person who looks up expectantly when you

enter the room or walks up to you and says hello is probably open to talk-

ing. The person with her head down, looking away when you approach,

or reading, intent on the TV, or otherwise preoccupied may not feel like

chatting. If you really want to talk to someone who might be busy, ask if

he’s available. “Have you got a minute?” It’s like knocking to enter.

Recently Glenn started getting home from work an hour earlier. On

the first day of the new schedule he looked forward to having a chance to

talk with his sixteen-year-old son before dinner. He came in the door and

called “Hi!” but there was no answer. Too bad, Jeremy must have stayed

after school. But then a few minutes later, he heard Jeremy’s radio playing

upstairs.

Glenn climbed halfway up the stairs and called out, “Hey, Jeremy, it’s

me, Dad. Come on downstairs. I want to talk with you.”

A few moments later Jeremy came into the living room and said,

“What did I do?”

Glenn felt bad. Is that what their relationship had come to?

172
GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

No, not really. Jeremy just felt off guard and misconstrued what his

father meant. So now on days when he expects to be home early or wants

to spend some time with Jeremy on the weekend, Glenn says something to

him in the morning. “I’ll be home around five- thirty. Maybe we can visit

before supper.”

Expectations about how and when communication

should take place work not when they’re right or wrong

but when they’re shared.

Self- Reflective Observation

Consideration for others helps make you sensitive enough to be a better

listener. But even more important is developing self- reflective awareness.

When you have trouble hearing someone or getting someone to hear you,

step back and examine the process of communication between the two of

you as just that—a
process
. You’ll need to get beyond brooding about per-

sonalities to thinking about actions and reactions. And you’ll need to get

beyond the linearity of thinking that the other person
makes
you respond

the way you do to seeing the process as circular.

Say that your teenage son never talks to you. Oh, he’ll let you know

when he needs new sneakers or a ride somewhere, but you miss the talks

you used to have when he was younger. Now he’s so sullen. You can write

off this uncommunicativeness to adolescence if you like, or you can think

of it as part of a circular process.

To reflect on your part in the process, ask yourself what might cause

your son’s reticence or what might reinforce it. Do you pry into things

that teenagers keep private, like which of his friends smokes marijuana or

drinks at parties? Do you bombard him with questions when he wants to

retreat to the sanctuary of his room? And when he does open up, do you

show respect for his opinions or argue with everything he says?

How Well Do You Listen to Yourself?

The respect for other people’s feelings that makes you listen to them can

be turned around to yourself. How well do you respect your right to think

and feel what you do? How well do you listen to yourself?

Empathy Begins with Openness
173

Kate suffered from chronic headaches but had given up going to doc-

tors because it never did any good. None of them ever figured out what

was wrong, and few of them bothered to listen carefully to her complaints.

Finally, at her sister’s urging, she went to the headache clinic at a leading

hospital in Boston.

One of the tests they did was a CAT scan of her brain. Afterward,

Kate waited anxiously for the radiologist who would explain the results.

When he finally arrived, it was clear that he was rushed. He introduced

himself, but Kate didn’t catch his name. Then he showed her the pictures

from the CAT scan, and she saw a small white spot on the film. “That’s

just a normal calcification of your pineal gland,” he said, “nothing to worry

about.”

As the doctor headed for the door, Kate felt unsatisfied and wished

the conversation could have gone on a little longer. But she wasn’t sure

how to frame her questions and was embarrassed that she didn’t remember

the doctor’s name.

Halfway out the door, the doctor turned and said, “Any other ques-

tions?”

Kate answered in a subdued voice, “No.”

Kate heard the doctor’s anxiousness to leave. But she was far less well

tuned in to her own needs. Her fear and uncertainty, combined with the

doctor’s rushed manner, had created a cloud of fog surrounding her own

needs.

If you don’t listen to yourself,

it’s unlikely that anyone else will.

Listening to yourself means not only respecting your own feelings but

also getting to know something about your style of communicating. This

isn’t always easy, and it isn’t always pleasant.

I, for example, have a penchant for making jokes and wisecracks in

social situations. Maybe some of my jokes are funny, but they’re often dis-

tracting. Joking around may be a defense against social anxiety, or maybe

it’s just an outlet for restless energy. Whatever the reasons for it, there are

times when I have to make an effort to suppress the smart remarks that

pop into my head.

You may find it easier to recognize other people’s conversational hab-

174
GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

its you wish they would change. But the effort to understand your own

ways will enable you to relate more effectively to other people, regardless

of what they do.

In Chapter 2 I mentioned that one of the reasons people seek soli-

tude is that they haven’t learned to handle their anxiety around other

people. But solitude has its uses. Being alone without distractions gives

you time to listen to yourself. To hear your own thoughts. To think them

through. Among the things you may find yourself thinking about are feel-

ings you haven’t been aware of and conversations that didn’t go as well as

you would have liked.

Most of us run around doing things all day. All too often, our actions

are driven rather than undertaken with awareness. When you get caught

up in a river of obligations, it winds up submerging your life as it carries

you along.

“I Don’t Have a Minute to Catch My Breath.”

Well, here’s your chance. Find a couple of times during the next few days

to sit down with yourself without distractions. Tune in to your breathing.

Concentrate on one full inhalation as it comes in and one exhalation as

it goes out. One more in, and one more out. Relax and breathe. After you

quiet down, listen to what’s going on inside of you.

Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and

the water is clear?

—Lao-Tzu

I always regretted that I didn’t go to a psychoanalytic institute after

graduate school. So, after practicing for a number of years, I decided to go

back and do it. At the institute I took classes and received supervision on

my cases. In supervision you find out what you should have said, so that,

hopefully, you’ll do better next time. Supervision made me a better thera-

pist, and it also made me feel a little stupid every week.
Why did I say that?

Why didn’t I see this?

After finishing my course of study, I returned to my practice and

became my own supervisor. I was by then much more aware after a session

Empathy Begins with Openness
175

of things I missed or wished I had said. But instead of feeling stupid (or

just feeling stupid), I started writing letters to patients between sessions. I

might sum up what we talked about if I thought I hadn’t made something

clear, and sometimes I’d put things in the letter that I just hadn’t thought

of in the session.

Maybe you, too, are your own supervisor. Maybe you come away from

certain conversations wishing you’d said something differently or wishing

you’d been a better listener. You can try to do better next time, or you can

seek out the person you have unfinished business with and try again to

hear what he or she was saying and then clarify what you meant to say.

Exercises

1.
Once or twice in the coming week, think about what you will be doing

and whom you will be talking with. Predict what might happen if you

made a concerted effort to listen to those people. Pick someone you

care about. Consider what might distract you from listening. At the

end of the day, take five minutes to reflect on what happened in those

conversations. How well did you listen? What made it difficult? What

was the result of your efforts?

2.
Practice not interrupting people who are talking to you. Try to come up

with two or three lines that invite people to finish what they’re saying.

You could say “mm-hmm,” or “tell me more,” or find something that

seems to work for you. You may or may not find this device helpful. The

point is not to interrupt. Cultivate patience.

3.
Try asking “Do you have a minute?” before telling people what’s on

your mind. What effect does this seem to have on the quality of the

listening you get?

GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity

9

…

“I Can See This Is

Really Upsetting You”

How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity

We come now to the number-one reason people don’t listen: reactive emo-

tionalism. As we saw in Chapter 6, when someone says something that

triggers anxiety, understanding goes out the window. If not acknowledg-

ing what the other person says turns discussions into conversational ping-

pong, overreacting can turn them into the Battle of the Bulge. If the war

metaphor seems melodramatic, take inventory of your feelings next time a

series of attacks and counterattacks leaves you wounded.

Some people are so provocative that it’s almost impossible to listen to

them without getting upset. But regardless of what other people say, your

problem is how you react.

And what about those thin- skinned individuals who fly off the handle

at the slightest sign of criticism? Sure, they’re overreactive, but unless your

relationship to them is expendable, your challenge is finding a way to get

through to them.

Empathy Turns Defensiveness Around

We’re all insecure to some extent. Therefore, when we feel threatened,

we tend to react defensively rather than being open to the other person’s

point of view.

176

How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity
177

One reason people pay thousands of dollars to psychotherapists is sim-

ply to be listened to. (Good therapists may do more than just listen, but