The Lost Art of Listening (38 page)

talk about difficult issues is when both of you are calm and relaxed. And

alone.

That criticism is best given in private may seem obvious, but many

people infuriate their partners by bringing up their faults in front of their

friends or children. Another version of the same mistake is criticizing your

partner’s family or friends. It’s okay for him to complain about his mother,

but when you do you’re crossing the line. Some people take advantage of

being out with another couple to criticize their partners. Often they make

a joke out of their comments. It isn’t funny.

If you have something to say to someone, tell them.

If you have something to say about someone’s

friends or family, keep it to yourself.

Telling someone “I have a problem” and “I need your help,” even if

your problem is about something he or she is doing, is more likely to be

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heard than direct criticism. Least likely to be heard is criticism framed as

blame, put-downs, moralizing, or invidious comparisons.

“Why must you always . . . ?”

“You never . . . ”

“You should . . . ”

“Why can’t you be more like . . . ?”

Emphasize your feelings, not the other person’s shortcomings: “I wish

you’d get dressed up when we go out. I feel more special when you wear

your good clothes.” This works better than, “Why do you always have to

be so grungy?”

Describe how the situation is affecting you rather than being accusa-

tory. Stick to behavior and make it clear that you’re talking about what

you like and don’t like, not what’s right or wrong. Focus on how the other

person can help rather than on what he or she is doing wrong.

Even if you’re the one with the complaint, remember to give the

other person a turn. Mention your concern, but before elaborating, ask her

how she feels about it. Don’t get reactive if the other person gets defensive.

Remember, you’ve just told her there’s something wrong with what she’s

doing.

If you ask someone to make a change, and he agrees without saying

much, he’s less likely to follow through than if you inquire and acknowl-

edge why he may not want to change or why changing might be hard for

him.

Wendy told Hank that she needed more help chauffeuring the kids to

their activities. He agreed. But Wendy went further and said, “I know you

don’t feel like it; otherwise you’d volunteer more often. When do you feel

least
like driving?”

Hank really appreciated this consideration of his feelings. (Feeling

like it’s okay to say no made it a lot easier to say yes.) He said he didn’t

mind taking the kids places on weekends or early in the evening, but he

hated going out after nine on work nights. He also mentioned that it’s

easier for him if he knows a day in advance that he has to drive them

somewhere.

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Then Wendy went one step further and asked, “Anything else?”

Hank paused. Then he said, “Yes, there is. Frankly, I think you drive

them far too many places. I don’t think we should drive them wherever

and whenever they want to go.”

Wendy, who hadn’t known Hank felt this way, said that the next time

he disagreed he should say something. If she’s willing to take them anyway,

even if he isn’t, she’ll do the driving. “But,” she added, “maybe you’re

right. Maybe I do drive them around too much.”

On the way out of the movie theater, Ralph turned to Carmen and

said, “Wow, that was a real stinker, wasn’t it?” He went on to describe how

a good story was ruined by Robin Williams’s overacting and the director’s

sanctimonious moralizing.

Carmen didn’t say anything. She had enjoyed the movie. She loved

Robin Williams. Ralph’s running the picture down was ruining it for her.

Since Carmen was the one who wanted to see this picture, she felt

that Ralph was criticizing her taste and that while she was enjoying herself

he’d been having a lousy time.

In fact, Ralph hadn’t thought of this movie as Carmen’s choice. She

may have mentioned it first, but he had wanted to see it. And he hadn’t

had a lousy time. Far from it. He enjoyed laughing at parts of the movie,

and he enjoyed laughing at some of its excesses.

What should you say on your way out of a movie you didn’t like when

you’re with someone who apparently did? Nothing.

If two people both hate a movie or concert, their saying so brings

them together. Shared experience, shared sensibilities. But if you enjoyed

the performance, hearing someone else pick it apart spoils your fun.

Criticism of the movie or restaurant we liked feels like criticism of our

taste. If you thought the food was lousy or the play was boring but sense

that your companion liked it, let him savor his enjoyment. Save your criti-

cism for later. Much later.

You Say Tom-ay-to, I Say Tom-ah-to

Your partner doesn’t have the power to say what is and forever shall be or

who’s right and who’s wrong. Even the person who puts things that way

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229

doesn’t have the power to make it so;
you
give him that power if you react

as though he did.

You don’t have to agree in order to acknowledge

that someone has a point.

The simple act of omission involved in not acknowledging what the

other person is saying before countering with your own opinion may be

the single greatest impediment to shared understanding. If we don’t know

that we’ve been heard, we’re not about to hear what the other person is

saying. Instead, we turn away or raise our voices. Maybe if we scream at

her, she’ll hear.

Emotional discussions should be kept as brief as possible. Don’t unload

everything. Doing so only makes the listener feel inundated, nailed to the

wall, with just two choices: fight or flight.

Nowhere to turn. That’s the way a lot of unhappy people feel about

their relationships— trapped in the space of a relationship with someone

who has some pretty stubborn ways. Accommodation means finding a

way to fit together, but many people mistake fitting together as an all-or-

nothing proposition.

Wise couples accept their differences and accommodate. But accom-

modating doesn’t mean they must become two peas in a pod. Maybe she’ll

never be interested in politics. Maybe he’ll never really get to like her par-

ents. Rather than battle over these differences, or be untrue to themselves

by giving in entirely, sensible partners avoid dwelling on subjects about

which they don’t agree. But instead of drifting apart or insulating them-

selves from each other, they search for alternative avenues of connection.

Adjusting to each other’s realities requires tolerance and selective

coming together. Mates may tire of hearing about each other’s jobs, but

they owe each other a few minutes of listening at the end of the day. (Ask-

ing questions may make familiar stories more interesting.) But couples must

also figure out which subjects are most rewarding to talk about together.

The same balance applies to activities other than talking.

When Dennis returned from playing golf on Sunday morning, Lor-

raine was still in bed, so he took off his clothes and crawled in beside her.

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When he kissed her awake, she gave him a dubious look. It wasn’t what

he’d hoped for, but over the years he’d learned the difference between a

red light and a yellow one. When they were first married, Dennis expected

Lorraine to be ready for sex on demand. When she tried to slow him down

and later said no, he felt rejected and avoided her altogether. Now he

read her look as saying that she was happy to see him but not really in the

mood to make love. They did a lot of talking with their eyes, but he made

himself say, “Let’s just hug a little.” They did, and after a while Lorraine

relaxed enough to become more affectionate. In the end they did make

gentle love.

After lunch Dennis mentioned that he was going to watch football

for a while. Once he’d expected to watch football all day on Sunday, and

Lorraine, who came from a family that didn’t follow the national obses-

sion, would get very angry. For years they’d alternate between his watch-

ing and her fuming and his not watching and feeling resentful. This day

he watched the first half while she had a long phone conversation with a

friend, read the paper, and occasionally looked up when the crowd roared.

At halftime she asked if he wanted to go to the movies. He did. Movies

were one thing they never had to compromise about. They went to see

Oceans Twenty-Seven
but didn’t go shopping afterward, as he knew she

would have liked and she knew he would not have. After supper, they

watched television for a while, until Lorraine went into the other room

and read. It was a nice day.

As this example illustrates, listening, in its full sense, means taking

each other into account. Dennis listened to Lorraine signaling her mood;

later she listened to his wish to watch football, and between them they

found a balance between separateness and togetherness.

In spite of the large emotions involved, marriage isn’t about monu-

mental issues; it’s about little things, about everydayness, about knowing

that tomorrow morning you’ll wake up with a new chance to work at it, to

get it a bit more wrong or right.

Getting Beyond Bitterness

Although couples who survive the break-in period tend to mellow, they still

go through cycles of closeness and distance. Some conflicts are resolved,

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231

others are avoided, and some keep cropping up from time to time. Argu-

ments still occur, but the nature of these quarrels should change over time.

They become less bitter and less violent. There is less blaming and a greater

feeling that both of you are in the same boat. If arguments don’t become

less frequent, less intense, and shorter, partners would do well to see what

they’re doing to keep resentment present and listening absent.

Successful couples learn that attempting to induce unilateral change

using emotional manipulation— complaining, cajoling, sweet- talking, nag-

ging, guilt- tripping, getting angry—doesn’t work very well. When empa-

thy doesn’t come easy, successful partners work at it—making themselves

listen even when it’s hard. (You don’t have to
feel
sympathetic to listen.

Sometimes showing concern works from the outside in, the way smiling

can put you in a good mood.)

Problems arise when partners keep too many secrets, say yes when

they don’t mean it, or withhold the truth of their feelings because they’re

afraid of arguments. The broken promises that result from being afraid to

say no are too great a price to pay for avoiding honest argument. Learning

to say no enables you to say yes and mean it. If you’re wishing that your

partner would realize this, ask yourself, why would someone lie to you?

Trust allows people to relax into themselves. Being honest is central

to establishing this trust, as is being open, listening to and acknowledging

the hard things your partner says. Love that grows out of self- respect is love

for ourselves as we are, not for a partial and carefully selected portion. The

person who hesitates to speak wonders if it’s safe to broach certain subjects.

The person who never opens up to you has already decided.

If you want the truth from someone, you must make it safe

for him or her to tell it.

Unfortunately, even with the best of intentions, some couples reach

a point where they get bogged down in bitterness. Pursuers get sick of

pursuing and distancers get tired of the pressure, until one or both of

them pulls back to what family therapist Phil Guerin calls an “island of

invulnerability.”4 Anger builds to resentment, and two people who once

thrilled to each other now give up on each other. Retreating to an island of

4Philip Guerin, Leo Fay, Susan Burden, and Judith Kautto,
The Evaluation and Treatment of

Marital Conflict
(New York: Basic Books, 1987).

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LISTENING IN CONTEXT

invulnerability is cold comfort. But even loneliness sometimes feels better

than constant conflict.

Mates bogged down in bitterness can take a step toward releasing

themselves from frozen hopes by taking a hard look at those hopes. If you’re

willing to let go of blaming and look for a way back together, examine your

expectations. Are your conflicts based on a desire for a partner who is

fundamentally different from the one you married? If you’re irritated with

your partner for being who he or she is, rather than about some particular

behavior, then you are in the wrong relationship. The only things worth

fighting about are the things that can be changed.

People come to intimate partnership with a self- contradictory pair of