The Lost Art of Listening (33 page)

stem the energy drain from a few expendable relationships. But since most

of our relationships aren’t expendable, the most important thing you can

do to avoid getting caught up in emotionally reactive transactions is to

stay calm and be yourself. Staying open means honoring other people’s

individuality; staying receptive means not denying your own.

The self- possessed listener is not isolated or unfeeling

but nonreactive.

How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity
195

How to Tone Down Your Message and Be Heard

You know how frustrating it is not to be listened to. But how often do you

stop to consider that there might be something about the way you express

yourself that makes others deaf to your concerns?

Several years ago my friend John tried to teach me how to tune up my

temperamental English motorcycle. When he showed up on the appointed

day and saw how nervous I was, he said, “The first thing you have to do

is calm down.” How do you calm down when you’re about to take apart a

fifteen- thousand- dollar piece of machinery on which you’ll later be going

over a hundred miles an hour? But he was right. The way my hands were

shaking I’d never have been able to shim the diphthongs with the krenging

hook. So we repaired to the kitchen for a beer. Later I had the satisfaction

of knowing that it wasn’t getting all wound up that made me unable to put

the damn thing back together. It’s just that I’m a natural born klutz.

Why is it that when it comes to relationship problems so few of us

bother to follow my friend John’s advice and calm down before we start?

As we’ve seen, one way speakers undermine their messages is to say

things with such anger and upset that the listener becomes so anxious that

he or she doesn’t clearly register—and therefore doesn’t remember—the

content of the speaker’s message. All that gets communicated is the upset.

Suppose, for example, that once every few months a wife gets so tired of

her husband’s always leaving the bathroom a mess that she blows up about

it. It infuriates her that he doesn’t remember—even after she’s told him

how upset it makes her. All he remembers is getting yelled at.

It’s hard to listen when you feel attacked. That’s why even though

you may have complained about something for years, other people never

really get it. You’ve told them a million times; still they don’t understand.

Anxiety is the enemy of listening.

One message sure to give someone’s hackles a workout is pointing out

financial extravagances. Here’s the great humorist S. J. Perelman illustrat-

ing his technique.

Weary of pub- crawling and eager to recapture the zest of courtship, we had

stayed home to leaf over our library of bills, many of them first editions. As

always, it was chock-full of delicious surprises: overdrafts, modistes’ and mil-

liners’ statements my cosset had concealed from me, charge accounts unpaid

since the Crusades. If I felt any vexation, however, I was far too cunning to

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

admit it. Instead, I turned my pockets inside out to feign insolvency, smote

my forehead distractedly in the tradition of the Yiddish theater, and quoted

terse abstracts from the bankruptcy laws. But fiendish feminine intuition was

not slow to divine my true feelings. Just as I had uncovered a bill from Hattie

Carnegie for a brocaded bungalow apron and was brandishing it under her

nose, my wife suddenly turned pettish.

“Sixteen dollars!” I was screaming. “Gold lamé you need yet! Who do

you think you are, Catherine of Aragon? Why don’t you rip up the foyer

and pave it in malachite?” With a single dramatic gesture, I rent open my

shirt. “Go ahead!” I shouted. “Milk me—drain me dry! Marshalsea prison!

A pauper’s grave!”

“Ease off before you perforate your ulcer,” she enjoined. “You’re waking

the children.”

“You think sixteen dollars grows on trees?” I pleaded, seeking to arouse

in her some elementary sense of shame.3

Notice how Perelman employs his knowledge of psychology. Shaming

someone is a sure way to get her attention.

Here’s Perelman demonstrating how to handle the delicate subject of

gratuities. He and his family are moving out of their apartment, and he’s

faced with the challenge of appropriately expressing his gratitude for the

staff’s service.

Heaped by the curb were fourteen pieces of baggage exclusive of trunks; in

the background, like figures in an antique frieze, stood the janitor, the handy-

man, and the elevator operators, their palms mutely extended. I could see

that they were too choked with emotion to speak, these men who I know not

at what cost to themselves had labored to withhold steam from us and jam

our dumbwaiters with refuse. Finally one grizzled veteran, bolder than his fel-

lows, stepped forward with an obsequious tug at his forelock.

“We won’t forget this day, sir,” the honest chap said, twisting his cap

in his gnarled hands. “Will we, mates?” A low growl of assent ran round the

circle. “Many’s the time we’ve carried you through that lobby and a reek of

juniper off you a man could smell five miles down wind. We’ve seen some

strange sights in this house and we’ve handled some spectacular creeps; it’s

kind of like a microcosm like, you might say. But we want you to know that

never, not even in the nitrate fields of Chile, the smelters of Nevada, or the

sweatshops of the teeming East Side, has there been a man—” His voice

broke off and I stopped him gently.

“Friends,” I said huskily, “I’m not rich in worldly goods, but let me say

this—what little I have is mine. If you ever need anything, whether jewels,

3S. J. Perelman,
The Swiss Family Perelman
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1950), pp. 4–5.

How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity
197

money, or negotiable securities, remember these words: you’re barking up the

wrong tree. Geronimo.”4

Notice that even though Perelman’s message might have been a trifle

unwelcome, his delivering it calmly enabled him to drive off to a chorus of

ringing cheers (or so it seemed from a distance).

But seriously, folks, what can you do when someone becomes reactive?

Perhaps whenever you say anything the least bit critical, a certain some-

one gets angry and shuts down. Try getting less invested in being heard

but remain open to the relationship on the other person’s terms. This can

be done without compromising yourself. It’s the difference between self-

denial—caving in—and self- restraint— waiting for your turn.

Say, for example, that whenever a wife tells her husband, even very

nicely, that he shouldn’t put certain dishes in the dishwasher, he gets that

wounded look and withdraws into hurt silence. The same thing happens

when she complains about his not making the household repairs he’s

promised: he sulks. She feels like she’s living with a big baby. But if she

can calm down enough to ask herself where her criticism comes from, she

might discover that it stems from unrealistic expectations.

The people you live with have assets and limitations. If you pitch your

expectations at their assets instead of their limitations, you stand a better

chance of being heard. Coming to terms with the real person you’re relat-

ing to, rather than agonizing over the fact that he or she isn’t different, will

do a lot to lower your reactivity.

Learn what makes people reactive and try to defuse it with prepara-

tory comments.

“I’m not saying it’s your fault, but I’m tired of seeing the kids leave their

toys all over the place.”

“I’m not sure how to say this . . . ”

If you’re trying to make a request, not an attack, say so. But maybe you

should examine your motives a little more carefully. When you say the kids

shouldn’t leave their toys around, do you really feel that it’s your partner’s

fault for allowing it? Is the inference he or she reacts to accurate? Even if

you don’t make such criticisms explicit, they often come through.

4Perelman, pp. 16–17.

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

If you want someone to hear what you have to say without getting

into a snit, don’t forget tone and timing. Do you bring things up at the

wrong time? Do you allow a judgmental tone to creep into your voice?

If someone you know gets annoyed when you offer advice, inquire

before doing so. “Would you like some advice, or would you rather I just

listen?” If you intend to bring up an upsetting subject, give a warning. What

makes something traumatic is being overwhelmed. A person who isn’t pre-

pared is more easily overwhelmed. The more reactivity you anticipate, the

more important it is to set the scene. A note or phone call telling someone

you need to talk to them about something will help him gird himself.

Although it may seem artificial, putting difficult messages

in notes is an effective way to short- circuit reactivity.

Ultimately, of course, it isn’t other people’s overreaction that’s your

problem but how
you
react to that. You don’t have to get upset when some-

one else does.

One thing to remember when emotional reactivity drowns out listen-

ing is that
it’s always your move.
Waiting for other people to change—or

hammering at them in hopes that they will—is understandable but unpro-

ductive. Sometimes it makes sense to write off unrewarding relationships

that aren’t central to your life. The person who’s so touchy that anything

you say can trigger an angry response may be more trouble than he or she

is worth. Unfortunately, some of us are more likely to give up on relation-

ships that
are
central to our lives— spouses, parents, colleagues— because

they’re the hardest to manage.

“What’s Wrong with Him?”

The next time someone overreacts to what you’re saying, ask yourself,

“Where does this emotional response come from?” “What sore spot must I

have touched?” rather than “What’s wrong with him or her?”

The following remarks add fuel to the fire:

“You’re such a baby!”

“Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today!”

How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity
199

“Can’t you take a simple suggestion?”

“You sound just like your mother.”

“You’re so immature.”

“Is it that time of the month again?”

“What’s eating you? Every time I open my mouth you bite my head

off.”

According to Claire, her son Jeffrey is oversensitive. The least little

thing she says to him can make him fly into a rage. One time she told him

that his teacher probably wouldn’t pick on him so much if he acted more

mature in class, and he burst into tears and ran into his room. “He’s always

throwing tantrums,” Claire said.

A child who bursts into tears and runs out of the room isn’t throw-

ing a tantrum. Kids aren’t stupid. If they pitch a fit because they want to

bend you to their wishes, they do it in front of you. (If you want to defuse

a temper tantrum, remove the audience.)

The way to resolve reactivity is to understand it, not judge it. Imag-

ine a little boy storming out of the room after his mother said something

to him. Why would a child get so upset? Often it’s because what she said

made him feel shamed. When someone feels humiliated, he becomes foot-

stompingly outraged; he is I-am- wronged! Injuries to self- respect are as

bruising as muggings. If you asked him what was wrong, he’d probably say

“Mommy yelled at me” or perhaps “Nothing, leave me alone!”

Few of us, children least of all, label our experience as shame. Unfor-

tunately, parents who don’t recognize a shame reaction or can’t tolerate a

child’s upset get into a tug of war that makes things worse. They demand to

know what’s wrong, as if a child convulsed with emotion could say.

Give a shamed person room to hide and lick his wounds. Shame is so

painful that the child momentarily loses control of his feelings. He needs

time to regain his composure. Let him have it.

If someone becomes enraged at something you said, think about how

you might have offended his dignity. Did you treat him like a baby? Imply

that his opinion was invalid? That his feelings aren’t legitimate? The way

to decode an “excessive” emotional response isn’t to blame the other per-

son—or yourself—but to consider what the exposed nerve might be.

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

Sometimes It’s a Mistake

to Try to Control Your Feelings

Some people are afraid to speak at funerals or weddings because they might

start to cry—as if crying were a sign of weakness, not compassion. “But,”

one woman protested when I tried to tell her there’s nothing wrong with

crying, “if I start to cry, I won’t be able to finish what I want to say.”

If you start to cry and tell yourself that’s awful and try to stop, you may

well have trouble speaking. It’s hard to concentrate on two things at once.

But if your heart moves and your feelings show, what’s wrong with that?

A trick some people use to help them cope with their anxiety about