The Lost Art of Listening (37 page)

anywhere.’ He always put it back on me. ‘What’s the matter with you?’

That was his answer to all my complaints.” She didn’t really remember

Travis’s complaints; all she remembered was that he didn’t listen to hers.

Going into the marriage, Lynn thought that if she did all the right

things, Travis could become the man she wanted—loving and affection-

ate. She’d grown up with a self- absorbed father, and the question for her

always had been
How do I make Daddy happy?
With Travis, she’d played the

good wife, hoping for a payoff of affection and attention. But there was no

affection; just sex. Lynn put up with not having her needs met because she

wasn’t sure how to put them into words.

When her frustration turned to bitterness, Lynn’s conversations with

Travis took on the form of combat. Each felt trapped and misunderstood,

and both of them led with their defenses. After suffering so much neglect,

Lynn was seized with rage when she tried to talk about her feelings. When

she opened up on him with a mean mouth, his stomach knotted and he

stopped listening. Once or twice, when she cornered him, he’d answer her

accusations with an outburst of his own nursed resentment. Then they’d

go back to avoiding each other.

The proximity forced on them in Korea may have kept them together

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221

longer than otherwise, or it may have put too much pressure on their shaky

alliance. In any case, when Travis was posted back to the States and Lynn

started school again, the marriage fell apart. With school and friends of her

own, Lynn felt stronger and no longer willing to put up with a relationship

that gave her so little satisfaction. Ironically, as Lynn started pulling away,

Travis asked her to stay and, for the first time since the early days of the

relationship, tried to listen to her. But it was too late.

Lynn said: “He wanted someone to mother him, to cook and clean

and all that. I was willing to do it, and so he was happy. But when I wanted

more from him, he couldn’t deal with it, and he hated me. Then my inde-

pendence gave him the room he needed, and so he started liking me again.

But now I knew it had been a mistake to begin with.” And so they ended

it.

Travis and Lynn might have had an easier time adjusting to other

mates. Maybe not. Second and third marriages don’t fail because people

keep picking the wrong partners; they fail because it’s not differences that

matter but how they’re negotiated. Maybe Lynn did too much compromis-

ing. Maybe Travis did too little. He was a young man caught up in confirm-

ing his masculinity rather than achieving love, and perhaps he was afraid

he’d lose himself by giving in. The trouble was, neither of them dared to

listen to the other’s point of view.

Travis and Lynn might have found a way to talk about their differ-

ences if they’d managed to be less emotionally reactive to each other.

Instead of holding her feelings in until they exploded, Lynn might have

approached Travis calmly (it isn’t necessary to
feel
calm to
speak
calmly),

saying, perhaps, “Something’s bothering me and I need to talk to you. Is

this a good time?”

The best way to tone down emotionality isn’t to avoid

talking about problems but to discuss them openly—before

the upset boils over.

Travis thought that if he didn’t listen to Lynn’s complaints, he wouldn’t

have to deal with them—and he could avoid the anxiety her accusations

made him feel. But he found out that feelings are like any other form of

energy: if they don’t find direct expression, they come out in other ways.

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LISTENING IN CONTEXT

The way to reduce defensiveness is to stay calm and stay open. Don’t

interrupt, contradict, qualify, or change the subject. If you don’t under-

stand something, ask for clarification. Otherwise, shut up and listen.

“Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man?”

When the differences that attract turn out to be hard to live with, we may

be tempted to think that a relationship might work best with a person as

similar to us as possible. Actually, that’s not true. With very similar part-

ners there is the possibility for weaknesses to combine and create exagger-

ated, even destructive, imbalances. Two people with explosive tempers or

who are both financially irresponsible often form disastrous unions.

Lynn told herself she married the wrong person. Travis was good-

looking and smart, but he didn’t know how to trust people with the truth

about his feelings. A man dedicated to autonomy, married to a woman

who prized togetherness. Travis, too, thought his mistake was choosing

the wrong mate. He never suspected that the extravagant and desirable

woman he fell in love with would turn out to be such a nag.

“I Heard You the First Time!”

Few complaints are more common from men than that the women in their

lives nag. Whenever someone is perceived as nagging, it probably means

she hasn’t received a fair hearing for her concerns in a long time. When

our feelings are listened to sympathetically, we experience a sense of under-

standing and release. If no one listens, we feel alone with our feelings.

“He never notices how much I do around here. I never get any help

without having to beg for it.”

Not being listened to makes people resentful. No wonder they come

across as nagging.

“She acts like she’s my mother. Doesn’t she know I always get my

share of the chores done?”

Lloyd
hates
Cathy’s nagging.

Stop leaving the bedroom window open; don’t turn the heat up any higher

than sixty-eight degrees. Do this, do that. She’s always bitching about something.

This he says to himself, and he gets no argument.

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223

Cathy hates that Lloyd never listens to her. “Why do I have to tell

you the same things over and over again? Why can’t you listen to a simple

request?” This she says to him often. To her friend Samantha she com-

plains, “I try to tell him something, and he just goes underground, with no

warning—and I’m left there, all alone.”

If You’re Considered a Nag

In a series of conversations, each encounter bears the fruits and burdens of

earlier ones. Persistent criticism creates a negative atmosphere and even-

tually results in the other person tuning the nagger out. It’s like the Gary

Larson cartoon in which a man is explaining something to his dog and all

the dog hears is “blah-blah-blah.”

The nagger becomes a nuisance. But what do you do if your repeated

pleas to put dirty clothes in the hamper or clean up the mess in the bath-

room go unheeded?

You’re caught in the role of nag if, even though you know somebody

isn’t going to remember to do something, you keep bugging him anyway;

you never ask for anything just once; you come at the other person in a

critical or complaining way; you get annoyed by lots of things the other

person does
and
you keep letting him know it; you appeal to what “should”

be done rather than what you want; and the other person flinches when

you make your request. You may not think of yourself as nagging, but if

that’s how the other person feels, he or she isn’t likely to listen.

Nagging is in the ear of the beholder.

“Why Is Everything Always My Fault?”

Cut down on the number of things you ask people to do and the number

of times you remind them. No fair, you say? You have a right to gripe?

True, but asking less results in getting more.

Pick out your most important concerns, make your requests clearly,

and make them sound like requests.

Listening is hard because it involves a loss of control, and if you’re

afraid of what you might hear, it may not feel safe to listen. Among the

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LISTENING IN CONTEXT

things that someone who feels nagged (even though he didn’t listen the

first twelve times) doesn’t want to hear are blame and requests he doesn’t

think are open to discussion.

In all our communications we struggle to maintain our independence,

to resist being controlled by others without sacrificing our involvement or

losing their love. If someone hears your requests or complaints as imply-

ing power over him, he may resist—not because he’s unwilling to do what

you ask but because he’s unwilling to accept the metamessage (implied or

inferred) that you’re the boss.

To avoid sounding overbearing, add “What do you think?” after mak-

ing a request or a suggestion. This helps keep the airways open and the

dialogue going. Emphasize how important the request is to you and be sure

to understand the other person’s perspective—“What do you think?” Then

make sure that an agreement is really an agreement. If you aren’t willing to

accept “no,” you can’t trust “yes.”

People other than our intimates are more likely to listen to us airing

our frustrations because they know it isn’t their fault. If you want to get

heard more around the house, try telling your partner “I know it’s not your

fault,” “I’m not blaming you.” Then if he (or she) does listen, let him (or

her) know you appreciate it. “I feel relieved that I can talk about this.

Thanks for listening.”

Saying “I really appreciate your listening to my feelings; it

means a lot to me” encourages people to listen more.

Finally, if you want to get out of the role of a nag, try listening to

the recalcitrant other’s side of things. Maybe the husband who persists in

running the washing machine with less than a full load feels that he has

a right to do so if he wants. Perhaps the wife whose husband always has

to remind her to buy beer when she gets groceries doesn’t want to bring

home beer—either because she wishes he would drink less or because she’s

resentful about something else.

Even if you don’t agree with someone’s reasons for not complying

with your requests, he or she will feel a whole lot more like compromising

if you listen to and acknowledge that point of view.

Listening Between Intimate Partners
225

Should You Say “No” More Often?

Those who feel nagged are often people who have trouble saying “no.” If a

woman asks her husband to take out the garbage and it doesn’t get done,

probably there was a false sense of agreement to do it in the first place.

Some people should say “no” more often.

How to Complain Without Starting a Fight

Directly related to nagging is complaining. The problem is that your ex -

pectations, often quite legitimate, that things should be different may

provoke unwanted flare-ups if the other person feels attacked by what you

say.

First decide whether what the other person does has a direct effect

on you. Leaving dirty dishes around the house does, especially if you’re

the one who has to clean them up; your partner’s ten extra pounds doesn’t

(unless you happen to own his or her body).

Consider your relationship to the person you’re criticizing. It’s one

thing to tell your twelve-year-old that you want the lawn mowed more

than twice a month. Saying the same thing to your husband (or wife) may

make him react with
Who does she think she is, my mother?

Partners who expect to be treated like adults may not take kindly

to being told how to fold the laundry, load the dishwasher, or park the

car. If you want these things done differently, maybe you should do them

yourself.

If you decide you have a right to complain, consider whether or not

the person is likely to change. Research has proven that, if properly moti-

vated, some male
Homo sapiens
can learn to put dirty dishes in the sink.

But few of us lose weight or start exercising just because someone else

thinks we should.

If you’ve had to ask your partner a thousand times not to leave

dirty dishes in the living room, maybe you should let it go. Maybe it’s

better to give up on some things—even if it’s not fair—than to play the

role of constant critic, a voice against which people learn to deafen them-

selves.

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How to Complain

Do you have a tendency to hold your complaints in until you get fed up

and then unload on the other person? Can you see how the consequences

of such confrontations might reinforce your tendency to avoid complain-

ing until you once again get good and mad?

How to complain? Start gently.

How
you express criticism is important. Alert the person that you

want to talk.

“Something is bugging me, and I need to talk to you. How about

tonight after work?”

“I have a problem and I need to discuss it with you. Can we go for a

walk after supper?”

Advance notice allows people to realize that something’s coming and

they’d better be prepared. Be sensitive to time and place. The best time to