The Lost Truth (12 page)

T
he following week, as I got ready for my weekly trip down to the church, I heard coughing coming from the spare bedroom where Cindy was asleep. Pouring a cup of water from the faucet in the kitchen sink for her, I took the glass down the hallway to her room. When she emerged from underneath the covers, a snot bubble accompanied her drooping eyes. Sniffling as she pushed herself up from the bed to sit, she forced a smile as I made eye contact with her.

“Hi, Daddy,” she said, taking the cup from my hand.

I bent over and kissed her forehead. She didn’t feel warm. Smoothing her hair out of her face, I said, “My poor, boogery princess.”

She handed the cup back to me and rolled over without a response. Pulling the covers back over her head, she had a nasally, rhythmic sound coming from her nose. She was in no condition for the swimming trip down to the lake we had planned.

Leaving the room, I made sure Janice was good to watch Cindy and grabbed my coat and headed out the door to the church. Thinking about Cindy on my way, I worried about her mother’s re-entrance into our life. Having Cindy be a part of my life again was amazing, but I knew it was only a matter of time before Gail would be back to whisk her away from me. My lawyer told me on Monday there wasn’t much I could do by way of keeping Gail in town or Cindy with me if she came back, which kept my hope only a flickering flame.

Once in the church parking lot, I saw John standing up near the front doors of the church. He looked as if he was waiting for me. He had a grin from ear to ear on his face. After parking my truck next to his blue suburban—the only other vehicle in the lot— I got out and speedily crossed the parking lot.

“What’s going on?”

“Come in,” he said, opening the door and holding his hand out.

Raising an eyebrow, I stepped inside and jerked my head back at him to try to get a read on his face. But he wasn’t giving anything away with that ugly mug of his. As we walked down the hallway toward his office, my mind raced. “What has you all chipper?”

“Patience, Clay,” he said, hurrying up to get in front of me as we approached his door. He opened the door and let me go in first. “Look at the newspaper!” he said in a firm and direct tone as he shot a finger across my torso, pointing to the desk.

As I approached the desk, my eyes fell on the newspaper. My insides became like ice as I froze in place, yet my head was like a furnace when I saw the face.

It was Lance.

He had been captured.

They caught him up in the back mountains of Idaho and brought him back to Spokane County on murder charges.
They caught him?

The door behind me latched shut, and John patted my shoulder. His eyebrows rose as he looped around his desk in almost a dance. “They caught him, Clay! They caught him!”

Shock didn’t begin to describe how I felt in that moment. It was a smidge of joy, but mostly disbelief. Rubbing the stubble on my cheek as I sat down in the chair directly in front of the desk, I shook my head. My arms fell to the sides of the arm rests and my jaw hung open as I looked at Lance’s mugshot.
Missy’s murderer was caught?

“Nothin’ to say?” the pastor said with his hands clasped together in front of him on the desk as he leaned in, still grinning and his tone elevated.

Flashing back to the trailer park and Lance standing over me as he held the knife in his hands, I recalled the absolute evil I saw in his eyes as he bent down to look at me. He held the knife to my throat and pressed it against my skin as he spoke. I could still feel the sharp steel prick the skin of my neck, and a droplet of blood ran down my neck. “I’d kill you, but that’d be too easy,” Lance said, peering over his shoulder toward Missy. “I’ll make you suffer by killing her in front of you.”

Shaking myself out of the flashback before it went any further, I saw Lance’s face on the newspaper again. Clenching my jaw, I turned away from John and all the giddiness he was trying to project in my direction. My heart ached for Missy. For those kids in the bus that morning. As the painful memory stirred the storm within me, I thought of the one thing that could make it go away—a drink. I needed it. I craved it. It had been almost a week since Janice dumped it all out, and I thought I had been doing okay on my own. Cindy had kept me busy and my mind off it, but this . . . this was too much.

“He’ll get life for what he did, Clay. You know that.” John stood up and walked over to his bookcase. Pulling a book out, he came back over and sat back down. Sliding it across the desk, it stopped before toppling over the edge right in front of me. Looking up, I saw it was a Bible.

I laughed. “What are you doing? Of all those books on your shelf, that’s what you grab? What about purpose? Grief? Loss? Death? Something . . . that deals with it.”

He shook his head and looked at the Bible. “God’s Word is all you need, Clay.”

“I have a Bible at home.”

“When was the last time you cracked it open?” He relaxed into his chair as he brought his hands together on his stomach.

“You don’t get it, man. God can’t fix this. I’ve tried to pray it away more than you can understand. Wait . . . This isn’t supposed to be a counseling session. We’ve just been hanging out during these visits.”

He shrugged. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like it was counseling. I just know you’ve been through some difficult times.” He pointed to the newspaper. “This, Clay, is the justice you’ve been wanting, and yet you can’t find satisfaction.”

My eyes skipped over the newspaper to the Bible. “
Difficult
doesn’t begin to describe this pain within me. But you know what, John? God wasn’t there to carry me when I needed him most. I had to figure it out on my own. Carve my own way through the muck. He forgot about me.” Reaching over to the Bible, I shoved it back across the desk. It fell off and into his lap. “I guess,
John
, my life and happiness
doesn’t
fit into God’s Will. That’s what I learned by what happened to Missy in that trailer park.”

John kept his quiet as he stared at me with a blank expression on his face. It only took a second for the quietness to become uncomfortable silence, and only a moment longer for it to become awkward.

“Stop staring at me,” I said, breaking the silence.

Picking the Bible up out of his lap, he set it off to the side of his desk and asked, “How are things going with Katie?”

“They’re okay. She’s out of town at the moment.”

He leaned across the desk, “Katie helping you out with the pain, though? I noticed no cane today when you came in.”

I nodded. “The exercises so far have helped a lot. It’s all the sciatica nerve being pinched, I guess.”

“That’s good. Suzzie had that problem a while back after our youngest was born. Your progress should make you happy.”

Standing up, I said, “I’m thrilled.” My chest felt like it was becoming compressed as my need for a drink grew. “I’m going to get going.”

“We’re scheduled for a half hour more.”

“I know, I just need to run an errand. I’ll see you around, John.”

After stopping by PJ’s Liquor Store for a case of whiskey, I headed back to my sister’s house. I used the last of my savings to purchase the case. It felt wrong—really wrong—but I didn’t see any other solution. On the drive back to Janice’s, images of the trailer park flashed through my mind. The blood, the screams, it all pushed and pushed, not relenting for even a moment’s time.

After parking in the driveway, I grabbed a bottle from under the tarp and out of the case. I undid the cap and drank. As I tipped the bottle up, I looked at the ceiling of the cab and felt the burning yet relieving whiskey travel down into my stomach. As I stopped, I tilted my head back down and saw Cindy standing in front of the truck.

Someone could have shot me in the chest at point blank range and it would have been invited over my daughter seeing me do that. She knew what alcohol was after Gail decided to inform her in the midst of one of my drunken episodes back when we all lived together as a family. I had promised her that I’d never put drinking before her after I broke her doll house in a drunken rage. I promised again after I crashed my motorcycle, and it looked like I’d never stop letting her down.

As Cindy stood there in the gravel with tears welling in her eyes, a snotty nose, and pink ribbons holding up her pigtails, I realized that I was a fraud of a father. Watching her run back toward the house and up the steps to go inside, my heart twisted in anguish.
How could I be so stupid?
Clutching the bottle in my hand as I rubbed the corner of it with my thumb, I looked up and shook my head. “Where are you, God?”

Janice exploded out the screen door and down the steps moments later. Twisting the cap on and quickly shoving the bottle into the glove box as she approached, I adjusted in my seat and rolled down the window. I was ready for an earful.

“Katie’s going to be late. She said she’ll be by this evening though. She got in late last night.” Janice smiled and then went past the truck. Sticking my head out the window, I looked back at her and came to the conclusion that Cindy hadn’t said a word. Peering back at the house, I saw Cindy in the window staring at me. The look of disappointment in my daughter’s eyes cut through me like a sharpened blade. I felt horrible.

Getting out of the truck, I went inside and shut the door. Cindy sat down on the couch and looked over at me as I came around to her. “I’m sorry. I just have a lot of pain I’m trying to deal with.”

She didn’t say anything, just kept quiet and nodded. Sniffing a little, she said in a soft tone, “When can we go swimming?”

Guilt over what I had done compelled me to be okay with a trip even though she was sick. “Here in a bit. After lunch. Okay?”

Her smile that I had become accustomed to over the last week returned. She let out a hoarse cough and then jumped off the couch and hugged me. “Thank you, Daddy! I can’t wait to go!”

T
he sun beat down on my shoulders, warming my skin as I stepped into the shallow cold water on the shoreline. Squinting, I could see Cindy dog paddle a few yards out from where I stood. She might have been sick, but she was loving the water.

“Come on, Daddy! The water is fine!”

Sweat beaded on my forehead as the sun took its toll on my back. Taking another step out into the water, I dove in.

Exploding up out of the water, I let out a relieving, “Wow!” as I smoothed my hair back and wiped the excess water from my face. Cindy began laughing as she swam over to me.

“You’re funny.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and held on close to me. The warmth of her love rippled through me as the coolness of the water circled us. “I need a break. Hope it’s okay I latched on!” she said, letting out a giggle as she tossed her head back.

“That’s fine, dear.”

Her head turned toward the floating dock that was at least eighty yards farther out in the water. “Could you swim all the way there, Daddy?”

“With ease.” I unwrapped her arms gently from my neck and began swimming toward the dock. One arm came up, down, and cut through the water. The other arm followed suit. Gliding like a fish swimming downstream, I confidently reached the dock. Climbing up and out of the water, I rose to my feet and raised my arms up in a cheer. Scanning the waters and then the shoreline, my eyes searched for Cindy.

Spotting her lime green and pink bathing suit along the sandy beach, I cupped my eyes for a better look. I saw her speaking with a woman, but I wasn’t sure who. I was too far away to see either of them clearly. Watching as they interacted, I became frantic as they began traveling up the beach and away from the swimming area.

Diving into the water, I began swimming as fast as I could back toward the beach. My heart raced as my mind began jumping from scenario to scenario.
Who was that? Why would they take her away from the beach?
A sharp bolt of pain clutched my leg as I was halfway back to the shore.
Not now!
Clenching my jaw, I pushed through the pain as it traveled down my leg. I pushed myself until I made it to the shore.

“Cindy!” I called out as I stumbled up the sandy beach. Moms whispered and stared as I kept shouting for her. Even a few children stopped playing and watched as I continued to call out for her. “Cindy!” I shouted again as I traveled up the beach to the grass and over to the swing sets that were a few paces from the bathroom.
Maybe the lady helped her to the bathroom?
Coming over to the white chipping cement building, I leaned my hand against the wall and shouted into the girl’s bathroom. “Cindy? Are you there, dear?”

There was no response.

My heart began pounding so hard that I could feel it in my ears.
Gail’s going to kill me.
Scanning the entire park as I cut through the lawns and underneath the pine trees, I couldn’t see my baby anywhere. Fumbling with my keys as I got to my truck, a concerned onlooker crossed the parking lot over to me.

“Sir?” the older man said as he watched my trembling hands try to unlock the door.

Jerking my head, I looked over at him as I opened the truck door.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Have you seen a little girl? Seven years old and wearing a pink and green swimsuit?”

He nodded.

Letting the car door go, I stepped up to him. “Where?”

“She left a few minutes ago with a woman.”

“What? Who? I mean. What did she look like?”

“Curly brown hair. Brown eyes. Thin build.”

“
Gail
.” Turning, I hurried and got into my truck. My window was already down and I said to the man, “Thank you.”

With the pedal to the floor of my truck, I sped back to my sister’s house. As I drove past the grocery store, I looked over and saw Gail’s car in the parking lot. Slamming on the brakes, my wheels squealed as I pulled into the parking lot abruptly.
How could she do this?
Cutting across the empty rows, I parked next to Gail’s sedan and got out. Glancing inside, I saw nobody in the car so I hurried my steps up to the store.

Before the sliding doors at the entrance had time to open entirely, I dashed through and began scanning the store for the two of them.
She has some nerve!
Lifting my head, I searched the aisles of the store until I came to aisle fourteen. Gail was standing there looking at the cases of soda like nothing had happened.

“Gail!” I shouted with a sharp tone as I made a beeline toward her.

Startled, she dropped the case of soda in her hands and it burst open, launching cans out of the case and down the aisle. Stepping around them, I approached her with my anger hot and my eyebrows furrowed.

“Hi, Clay.” Her voice weighed with annoyance as she began picking up the cans.

“What were you thinking? Taking her from me like that? I didn’t know what was going on. Someone just took her from the beach! That’s all I knew.”

Placing the last stray can into the case, she stood up. “Really? That concerns you? What about downing liquor in front of her? Huh? What about that?” She shook her head. “You left her by the shore and swam clear out to the middle of the lake. You think I’m the bad parent here?” She laughed.

She must have called her.
I went red with embarrassment as Gail called me out. Looking over Gail’s shoulder, I asked, “Where is she now?”

“She’s in the car.”

Fear gripped me by the throat. “No, she’s not in there.”

“What? I just left her out there five minutes ago.”

Turning around, I dashed down the aisle and to the front of the store at customer service. I recognized the girl behind the counter. It was Kelsey, one of the ten people who worked at the grocery store. She had been there ever since she graduated high school a few years ago. “Kelsey. Can you get on your speaker intercom thingy and see if my daughter is in here? She’s missing.”

She nodded quickly and yanked the PA microphone to her lips. “Cindy to the front of the store, please, your father is waiting. Cindy to the front of the store, please, your father is waiting.”

Gail walked up behind me as Kelsey turned and got onto her walkie-talkie and sent out a code twenty-two.

Gail thumbed through her purse. “I didn’t see her in the candy aisle either. She wanted me to get her some Sour Patch Kids. Figured maybe she took matters into her own hands.” Pulling her cellphone out, she began dialing 911.

“Wait. They might find her,” I insisted, putting my hand on hers.

She looked up at me and tears welled in her eyes. “This isn’t the first time, Clay. You don’t understand.”

“What’s that mean?” I asked, taking a step back.

“She ran away a couple of months ago. She made it about two miles from the house and then stayed under the Elmonton Bridge for two days.”

“What? She was missing two days and you didn’t tell me?” My eyes lifted and I scanned the store as a whole to see if she was heading up to the front.

“I didn’t want to worry you . . .”

“She’s my daughter, Gail! It’s my job to worry!”

Gail stepped closer and grabbed onto my shirt as she buried her face into my chest and began crying. “I know . . .” her words dripped with remorse.

Bringing my arms up around Gail, I hugged her. Kelsey caught my attention with a clearing of her throat, and I released from Gail to go over to the counter.

“They found her. She’s on the boardwalk. She wandered down by the gift shop.”
The gift shop?

“Thank you.” Taking Gail by the hand, we dashed out of the store. We met Cindy on the boardwalk just outside. Her chin was dipped, and the Nez Perce Indian who we had met the other day at the farmer’s market stood next to her with his hand on her shoulder.

“Your daughter was admiring the dream catchers in my friend’s gift shop. This one has the spirit of the eagle within her.”

I reached my hand out to Cindy, but she sidestepped and went into Gail’s arms. Wrapping her arms around her, she looked up at her mother and said, “I want to go home.”

Crushed, my heart unraveled like a ball of twine. She didn’t want to stay with me anymore. Gail put her arms around Cindy and lifted her up. “I think it’s best if I take her home.”

Leaning in, I kissed Cindy’s cheek. “I love you, princess.”

That was it.

We parted ways.

When I arrived back at Janice’s house, I grabbed the case of whiskey from the bed of the truck and took it around back to the shed. Coming around the corner of the house too quickly, my shirt snagged on a loose nail.
Ugh. How’s that even possible?
I jerked my body in an attempt to un-snag it.

Riiiiip.

Frustrated, I set the case down and took the shirt off and threw it in the grass beside the house. Coming over to the shed, I saw the calico cat making its way up the porch steps, almost to Kip’s cage.

Setting the case down on the floor of the shed, I grabbed the rake that hung inside on the shed door and darted across the lawn to the porch.

“Scram!” I shouted as I shook the rake in the air toward the cat and it ran off. Bending down, I opened Kip’s cage and was about to let him roam about when I turned and saw the cat inching its way back. I jumped up, and my footing slipped, forcing me to bear weigh on my bad leg to catch my balance. Pain shot through my leg, almost dropping me on the spot. I let go of the rake in my hands and grabbed onto the railing for balance. “Quit being such a bum!” I shouted down at my leg.

Going back over to the shed, I grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the case and undid the cap. I downed it, and the whiskey burned as it melted the anguishing pain that not only existed in my leg, but in my heart.

Thinking of Cindy seeing me in the truck earlier that day pressed against my mind, and I downed more. They say that everybody is dealt a hand in life. Well, why’d I have to end up with all the bad cards? When I took the bottle away from my lips, I saw that three-quarters was gone. There was a slight moment of clarity right before the alcohol hit my system like a freight train.

Taking a step back out of the shed, I stumbled and fell onto my butt. Turning my head, I saw the calico cat staring at me from the edge of the field where it met the grass line of Janice’s property. Erupting in laughter, I grabbed my gut and fell over in the yard and onto my side. The sun was burning my skin as I lay in the grass, but I couldn’t do anything but laugh. Attempting to sit up, the world got dizzy and dropped me back to the soft grass. My eyes got heavy until they closed.
Just a quick nap.

“Clay!” a woman’s voice said as my body rocked back and forth. “Clay!” the voice boomed again.

Sunlight danced with shadows against my eyelids as I woke. Pushing my eyes open, I saw Katie. My skin felt like someone had dumped gasoline on me and lit it on fire. Her fingers pressed against my arm and felt like pricks of fire. “Stop touching me,” I pushed out, barely opening my mouth as I shifted my body.

“Clay . . .”

I sat up. My eyelids even felt as if they were on fire. “Ahh . . . What are you doing here?” Rolling over to my side, I pushed myself up out of the grass and stood up.

“I called and told Janice I was going to be late. What happened? Janice said Cindy was here. Where is she?”

Thinking back to the boardwalk and Cindy telling her mom she wanted to leave, I felt a sting that was deeper than the sunburn that covered my body. “She went home.” Turning, I headed to the porch to get out of the heat.

Walking up the steps of the porch, I looked over to Kip’s cage. The door was open and Kip was gone. A jolt of energy surged through my veins, thrusting my body in a singular motion to Kip’s cage. Frantically, I searched the cage once, twice, three times. He was gone.
I must have forgotten to clasp it shut.

“Where’s Kip?” Katie asked behind me as she stood at the porch steps. Her words were genuinely sweet, but they felt like daggers in the back of my head.

Ignoring her, I looked out to the yard. Surveying the landscape for Kip, my eyes stopped on a faint blue smudge of color in the field.
No!
Darting past Katie and out into the field, I came up to Kip’s body.