The Lost Wife (7 page)

‘I don’t know what you saw in me when we first met.’ The admission was out before she realised.

Laying down his fork, Jake steadily met her gaze across the candle flames. The midnight-blue lake that confronted her was so compelling that Ailsa’s heartbeat all but thundered in her chest.

‘That’s easy. I saw a beautiful young woman who was shy and uncertain in an environment she clearly wasn’t used to,’ he answered, ‘but who was so intent on doing a good job that it was endearing.’ His rich voice was so low that she had to lean in to hear him.

‘Shy and uncertain just about sums me up back then. I was so afraid of making a mistake that I practically jumped out of my skin every time the phone rang.’

‘You left out beautiful.’

‘What?’

‘I said you were beautiful as well as shy and uncertain.’

She knotted her hands together. ‘I never felt very beautiful … and I’m not looking for you to reassure me about that. The truth is I was stunned that someone like you would even glance at a girl like me.’

‘Someone like me?’

‘Yes—someone who seemed to have it all … looks, money, position. It really was hard for me to understand your interest in me.’

‘You didn’t see the eyes of the other men that followed you whenever you walked into a room?’

‘No … I didn’t.’
I only saw your eyes,
Ailsa admitted silently. From the very first time, when Jake had introduced himself to her, she’d been completely captivated by him. The other men that had walked through her days had been relegated to ghostlike figures of little substance in comparison.

‘Why don’t we take our drinks into the living room?

It’s getting a little chilly in here and we can add another log to the burner,’ he suggested, already on his feet.

Glancing distractedly down at her barely touched glass of wine, Ailsa felt her senses roar at the idea of spending the evening sitting by the fire with Jake, with nothing but the light of the dancing flames of fire and candle to illuminate the blackout.

Her hand shook a little as she curled it round the glass’s crystal stem and stood up. ‘Are you sure you only want to drink orange juice? You wouldn’t prefer a glass of wine?’ she asked, a husky catch in her voice.

A glimmer of a smile visited Jake’s well-cut lips but was quickly gone again. ‘I’m sure.’

‘You don’t enjoy it any more?’

‘No.’

‘Can I ask why?’

‘I don’t touch alcohol because I can’t find pleasure in something potentially so destructive.’

The seductive warmth that had been curling deep into Ailsa’s belly was suddenly replaced by ice-cold steel. She snatched her hand away from the wine glass as though a piece of it had sheared off and cut deep into her skin. ‘You mean because that driver was drunk when he ploughed into us?’

A muscle flinched clearly in the cheek that was still smooth and unscarred. ‘Yes. But I’m not saying that
you
shouldn’t enjoy it. I’m sorry if I was too blunt.’

His meant-to-be consoling words didn’t help. ‘You weren’t too blunt. I’d rather have the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. I think there are too many sorrys between us … we’ve blamed each other for so much, Jake.’

He looked to be considering this comment for a long time. Then he breathed out a sigh and said, ‘Let’s go into
the living room, shall we? You take that candelabrum and I’ll bring the other one. Bring your wine too.’

‘I don’t want it now.’

‘Bring it.’ He lifted a gently chastising eyebrow.

Once they’d arranged the candles in the best positions to light the room, Jake sat on one supremely comfortable couch and Ailsa on the other. The mere fact that they’d done that so automatically grieved her more than she could say. Cradling the glass of wine she no longer had the slightest inclination to drink, she focused her sights on the fire blazing in the burner rather than on her charismatic ex-husband—even though her secret wish was to gaze at his compelling features for the longest time. A disturbing thought struck her. What if when they woke tomorrow morning a thaw had taken place during the night, melting the snow?
If so, there’d be no further need for him to stay …

‘Come back to me, Ailsa.’

‘What?’

The smoky-voiced command jolted her. So much so that she almost spilled her wine. In her heart, wild hope tussled with a more pragmatic desire to be sensible.

‘You went to a place where I couldn’t reach you. I don’t like it when that happens. It worries me.’

‘I—I was thinking what a shame it is that we can’t switch on the Christmas lights,’ she lied. ‘You worked so hard fixing them up.’

‘We’ll switch them on tomorrow. It’s not the end of the world if we can’t turn them on tonight.’

‘No … It isn’t. We’ve seen the end of the world, haven’t we?’ Her voice faltered, dropped to a bare murmur.

The fresh applewood log Jake had added to the fire crackled and hissed, and suddenly Ailsa was staring at long straight legs in velvet-napped, expensive blue denim as he came and planted his feet in front of her.

Gently, he took her glass and set it down on a nearby surface. ‘Come here.’

She didn’t argue. She didn’t have the heart. Besides, how could she argue with the man she had built every dream of love and hope around? It felt like heaven having him so close, sensing his warm breath brush her face, having his long-lashed blue eyes command her attention like no one else’s could.

As his glance roved across her fire-warmed features, it was perhaps the most intense that she’d ever seen it. The heat from his hands burned through the denim of her jeans as they settled round her hips. ‘I wish you didn’t hurt so much. It near kills me to think of you in pain in any way.’

‘It’s not your fault. It’s just that sometimes—sometimes the most dreadful feelings wash over me … feelings stirred by the terrible memory of that car hitting us. I can still hear the ear-splitting sound of the car tyres skidding in the rain. Even when I tell myself that one day the memories and feelings will fade, because this hurt can’t last for ever, I don’t think I really believe it. Most of the time I try and stay positive … not let things get me down … especially for Saskia’s sake. But then something reminds me, and the pain comes back and makes a liar of me.’

Jake’s hands firmed round her hips and Ailsa swallowed hard.

‘I just wish it was spring again, so that I could throw open all the windows and breathe more freely—do you know what I mean? Sometimes I feel so trapped it’s as though I couldn’t run far enough away to escape.’ She sniffed, knowing that inside her emotions were helplessly unraveling. ‘But of course I’m only trying to escape from myself.’

He didn’t reply. He didn’t have to. It was enough for her to know that he listened and understood. She exhaled a
breath that wasn’t quite steady. Then he was kissing her—kissing her as though the desire had erupted pure and undiluted straight from his soul. If there was the slightest inclination in her to regain control then Ailsa willingly surrendered it. Beneath the onslaught of devastating emotion and the wild, hungry need that her heart and body easily matched she felt like the fragile frond of a willow, borne on a hurricane into the drowning rapids of a thunderous waterfall …

J
AKE
drew Ailsa down onto the couch behind them and never—not even for a moment—separated his mouth from her lips or his hands from her body. Hunger and desire long denied could no longer be contained. They cleaved to each other as though fearful another storm would batter them, separating them for ever this time …

Finding herself positioned beneath Jake’s hard, heavier body, Ailsa greedily drove her fingers through the short silken strands of his hair, her senses bombarded by the twin scents of his arresting cologne and the deliciously musky male warmth that was his own personal blueprint. He raised his head to look at her. This time he didn’t ask her if this was what she wanted.
There was no need.

In the softly waving candlelight the strongly hewn features mesmerised her. Even his scar was beautiful, because it was an integral part of him now. And in spite of all that had happened he exuded such tenacity and strength. Ailsa sensed it. So how could even the cruellest wound mar or lessen such an indomitable presence?

She gently touched her palm to the side of his face. ‘Jake … I want this as much as you do … I really do. But I haven’t—I mean it’s been a long time since I—What if I can’t manage it any more?’

Her hand fell away and she curled it round his iron hard
bicep instead. The force of how much she wanted him took her breath away. Her blood was on fire just at the mere anticipation of him loving her as he’d used to. Yet the blunt truth was that she was scared … so
scared
that it would hurt or be too uncomfortable for her to endure. Her body had not healed overnight after being injured in the accident and losing the baby. It had taken weeks before she’d had the strength and confidence even to try to meet the normal demands of day-to-day life. If she now found herself physically unable to go through with this most intimate of acts between a man and a woman then she would disappoint and demoralise them both.

Her heart drummed hard as she waited for Jake’s response. When she saw that his expression was the epitome of tenderness itself a huge weight lifted from her heart. The kindness reflected back at her softened the harsher contours of his face, turning his eyes to liquid silver in the dimmed light.

‘We’ll take it slowly,’ he promised. ‘The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you. And if at any point you want to change your mind … well, that’s okay too.’

Ailsa breathed a relieved sigh. Then she simply surrendered to the melting sensations that seemed to be intensifying deliciously inside her.

Item by item Jake carefully undressed her. In between removing her clothing he tenderly kissed every inch of flesh that was revealed. She shivered and shook with the sheer joy and pleasure of it. When he removed his own sweater and the tee shirt underneath, her gaze appreciatively luxuriated in the jaw-dropping male physique whose mouth-watering appeal had not dimmed at all in the passing years. Yes, there were a few nicks and scars that hadn’t been there before the accident, but—like the healed gash
on his face—they didn’t detract one iota from his powerful attraction.

His shoulders and torso were lean and muscular—like an athlete’s—and he had a very light dusting of dark blond hair crossing his chest. As she had glimpsed before, when his tee shirt had ridden up, Ailsa saw that even though Jake was a businessman—by dint of his career working in offices most days—he kept himself in good shape.

All thought was dizzyingly suspended when he touched his lips to her breast and drew the aching, rigid tip deep into the molten cavern of his mouth. Her womb gave an answering leap. He slid his hand down over her ribcage, the provocative trail his fingers took leading straight to the apex of her slender thighs. Gently but firmly he nudged them apart. When he started to explore the moist heat at her core she immediately tensed and grabbed his hand.

‘Is it too much too soon? Am I hurting you?’ Jake husked, lifting his head to examine her face concernedly.

Unable to relax and completely enjoy an experience she’d privately longed for and fantasised about throughout the years—even though fireworks were exploding inside her at his touch—Ailsa pursed her lips. She shook her head. ‘No. I’m just a bit tense in case—in case it does hurt,’ she confessed anxiously.

He emitted a grated breath. ‘Did the doctor tell you that it might?’

‘She told me I might be sore … but that was about three months after the accident. And by that time we’d stopped being intimate, so I never—I never found out whether it hurt or not.’

‘It’s been over four years since then.’

The silvery-blue eyes boring down at her were like haunting starlight, and Ailsa’s stomach turned over at
the sorrow she saw glinting in their depths. That ravaged glance made up her mind.

‘I know,’ she whispered. Carefully cupping her hand behind his neck, she pulled his face back down to hers. ‘Try again,’ she urged softly, tracing the outline of his lips with her fingertip. ‘Everything will be okay.’

He hesitated. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’

As if to confirm her decision, her hips automatically softened and her body relaxed. This time when Jake explored her she sensed urgency and a need for fulfilment take hold of her almost straight away. There was no pain, as she’d feared there might be. Instead there was a sensual and erotic blaze of heat that built and built, until her teeth clamped down on her lip because it was almost too incredible to bear, and as the sensations reached a crescendo a throaty moan of pleasure she couldn’t hold back escaped her.

Before she recovered Jake kissed her again, his silken tongue gliding into her mouth with a similar urgent need to experience the bliss and fulfilment that Ailsa had just enjoyed. Dizzingly giving herself up to his wonderful kiss without reservation, she sensed him press himself inside her and then thrust deeply upwards. Again there was no pain—just an amazingly pleasurable fullness she knew straight away she’d missed and achingly mourned. She wrapped her slender legs round his lean, hard middle to welcome him in even deeper. As he thrust into her again and again her hands clung onto the broad banks of his shoulders and her fingernails bit into the smooth muscle of his back. For a second time she came undone. Only a few moments later Jake anchored her head with his hands and with a harsh-voiced groan helplessly joined her …

As soon as he came back down to earth and the reality
of what he’d just done hit it wasn’t the fact that he’d spilled his seed unprotected inside Ailsa that was Jake’s concern. Because sorrowfully, to his cost, he knew that she couldn’t become pregnant. He was concerned that he’d maybe been too forceful and hurt her. But then he saw that her sweet, entrancing lips were curved into a wistful contented smile, and it raised his hopes to the skies.

With growing wonder he cupped the side of her face beneath the silken waterfall of her lovely hair to tenderly stroke the pad of his thumb across her cheek. ‘You look happy,’ he said.

‘That’s because I feel good … very good.’

‘I didn’t hurt you, then?’

‘No, you didn’t. My body feels like it’s healed completely. It’s just such a wonderful revelation that I can function normally again. I suppose the worry that I couldn’t has been playing on my mind for a long time now.’

‘Maybe you should have gone to a doctor to have her properly check you over and reassure you?’

‘You know how I feel about doctors.’

‘Even so, having an examination could have saved you a lot of heartache.’

‘Point taken.’

‘I’ll drop the subject, then.’

On the wall behind them, the sinuous shadow of the candle flames continued to dance and weave, and the fire in the wood burning stove seemed to blaze more brightly than before. With a silent prayer, Jake thanked the powers that be for the unexpected gift of a blackout. Then he carefully withdrew from the incomparable delights of Ailsa’s body and reached for the substantial plaid woollen throw on the back of the couch to pull it over them both.

‘Cosy, huh?’ he said, grinning as he urged her close into his side.

‘It feels seriously decadent,’ she agreed, screwing up her nose.

Her amber-coloured eyes were delightfully mischievous.

It had been a long time since Jake had seen her looking so untroubled … like the Ailsa of old that he had fallen head over heels in love with a lifetime ago …

‘So when was the last time you felt as decadent as this, hmm?’

‘I think it was when you whisked me away from work in the lunch hour one day and took me to the Hilton where you’d rented a room for just the afternoon.’ Her lashes lowered shyly for a moment. ‘We made love for the longest time. Normally I would have feared being sacked, returning to work so late, but seeing as I was with the boss’s son …’

‘Didn’t I promote you after that?’ he teased.

She playfully slapped him on the arm. ‘No, you didn’t! And if you’d tried I would have vehemently protested.’

‘No, you wouldn’t.’

‘Yes, I would.’

‘I agree. You probably would have. You were always far too conscientious for your own good.’ He dropped a lingering warm kiss onto her mouth and she went very still. ‘We had fun together once upon a time, didn’t we?’ he mused softly.

‘You were very passionate.’

‘I still am.’ He noticed wariness creep into her eyes at that comment, but in the next instant it was gone again.

‘Jake?’

‘Yes?’

‘Why did you wait so long to meet up with me again? I mean … four years of telephone calls making arrangements for Saskia to stay with you every other weekend, then sending Alain to pick her up and bring her home instead
of doing it yourself. I know you have to work, but would it have been so inconvenient for you to collect her and bring her home to me?’

‘It’s not that it was inconvenient. It was that—Look, do we have to talk about this right now?’

Fiercely resisting breaking the spell of these precious intimate moments, Jake feared another soul-destroying disagreement if they fell into discussing how they’d conducted things in the past. He really didn’t want to reveal the guilt and shattering disappointment that dogged him still for not protecting her and the baby that terrible night. Neither did he want to confess that he saw it as his punishment to stay away from her. That was why he employed Alain to act as go-between—not because it was too inconvenient for him to get away from work.

He and Ailsa had just made love, and it had been beyond wonderful, but he knew it didn’t make everything all right.
How could it when his mind, body and spirit were weighed down with enough crippling guilt to sink a battleship?

With a sleepy smile, Ailsa dreamily stroked his arm. ‘No. We don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to. But I’d really like us to talk tomorrow and maybe clear a few things up.’

‘Okay.’ Jake fought the reluctance that her suggestion inevitably caused, containing his feelings to try and protect himself and silently conceding that maybe it
was
time to tell her a bit more about himself and why he struggled so hard with expressing his emotions. He brought her fingertips up to his lips and kissed them. ‘Why don’t you close your eyes for a while, hmm? You look a little tired.’

Letting her head rest against his chest, she concurred. ‘I
am
tired—though goodness knows why, when I’ve done very little today. Don’t let the fire go out, will you?’
she murmured, already drifting off into a land where he couldn’t follow.

‘I won’t.’ Swallowing down the ache inside his throat, he settled his arm around her shoulders. Then, staring over at the wood stove, he surrendered to the hypnotism of the still dancing flames …

‘What was that?’ Staring wildly round in the semi-dark a few hours later, Ailsa pushed herself up. The haunting sound that had pierced her sleep still echoed disturbingly in her mind. ‘It sounded like a baby crying.’

‘It wasn’t a baby.’ Crouched low in front of the burner, where he’d obviously been stoking the fire, his torso bare, Jake got to his feet. ‘I think it was a fox,’ he said, turning to face her.

His jeans were riding low across his hips, highlighting the ridged toned muscle of his flat stomach, and his voice was ‘just woken from sleep’ husky. She couldn’t imagine any other man looking more dangerously sexy. In a disturbing flash she remembered why they were still there in the darkened front room, sensed the places on her body where he’d intimately touched her. That instigated a deep and powerful ache for more of his passionate attentions.

Then, realising she was as bare as a newborn babe beneath the throw, she tugged the cover self-consciously up around her shoulders.

‘A fox?’ She rubbed her eyes and blinked at him.

‘We’re deep in the heart of the countryside. It’s not unusual. We even have them in London.’

‘That’s why I don’t keep chickens.’

‘Really? You mean you
wanted
to keep chickens?’

Ailsa saw that Jake was shamelessly grinning, perhaps mocking the notion that she had such ordinary, mundane
ambitions these days.
It certainly didn’t sit easily with the luxurious lifestyle she’d once enjoyed as his wife.

‘I did. What’s wrong with that?’

His expression sobering, Jake lifted his shoulders and dropped them again. ‘I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. You’re quite the little country girl these days, aren’t you?’

She felt her face heat at the observation. ‘It’s quieter here than the city, and consequently I feel less stressed.’

‘Well … talking of lessening your stress, I think you should try and get a bit more sleep. It’s only just after three a.m.’

‘The power hasn’t come back on yet?’

‘I haven’t checked. I’ve just been enjoying the candlelight and the glow from the fire.’

His concentrated sleepy-eyed glance instigated an outbreak of goosebumps all over her body. ‘I prefer that too,’ she murmured, snuggling back down under the throw.

Immediately crossing the carpet to the light switch, Jake flicked it on. The electric light failed to register. Shaking his head, he made his way back to the fire. ‘If the phones are back on in the morning I’ll make some calls and see about organising that generator.’