The Love Laws (5 page)

"See!"
Cathy bounced in her seat with excitement. "That's exactly the kind of
advice you could give. I'm not sure if I buy it completely, but it almost
sounds plausible when you say it."

Jamie
arched one dark auburn eyebrow at her. "So, you don't think I'm
right?"

Cathy
held up her hands in supplication, obviously concerned that she'd offended her
prospective Love Guru. "No, I didn't mean that. I'm just saying that men
would approach you even if you wore a bag over your head and some lederhosen.
With or without makeup might not be relevant in your case." She gestured
towards herself. "But other women aren't so lucky. Beauty matters a lot
more than you seem to think. But since you look like Jessica Rabbit, you might
not have an accurate picture of what most women have to overcome in order to
attract a man."

Jamie
practically spewed her tea. "Jessica Rabbit? I do not look like a cartoon
character. Where did that come from?"

"Willem
said it. He also said you were hot enough to make him consider changing teams,"
Cat said with a small grin.

Jamie
returned the smile and shook her head. "As flattering as that is, his team
can keep him. I'm not interested, and I'm sure Clay would not be happy to hear
that he was considering switching."

"He
said it to Clay."

"Oh
my God. That guy is such a douche-bag. Why would he say that to Clay?"
Jamie said, rolling her eyes. Willem was Clay's sometimes boyfriend, and the
cause of much stress in his life. No matter how awful he was, Clay just
couldn't seem to get enough of his bad boy charms. He said he loved a
challenge, but Jamie suspected that Clay got off on the drama of being with someone
who treated him like crap.

"Probably
wanted to make Clay jealous and put a wedge between you two in the process.
Willem hates that my brother spends so much time with you and Jessica.” She
gave Jamie a mischievous look from over her glasses. “Or possibly he was
hinting at a threesome. Who knows with that guy?"

Threesome?
Jamie covered her mouth with one hand. Had Cathy actually suggested such a thing?
Clay’s little sister obviously had hidden twisted depths. Maybe this wasn’t
going to so difficult after all. "I can’t believe you just said that. I'm
totally shocked."

"What?
You thought Clay was the only one who could say outrageous things?" Cathy
asked, her eyes sparkling impishly behind her thick, dark glasses. "I'm
not completely innocent you know. I'm just freakishly shy and a little
socially-challenged."

"I
can see that you're not as naive as I thought, but getting back on topic. I
really don't think I'll make a good test subject, so what's Plan B?"

"Plan
B?" Panic made Cathy’s usually soft voice go squeaky.

Jamie
tried not to sound impatient, but it was really, really difficult. "Yes.
Do you have anyone else in mind? Someone at the paper? Or an adventurous friend
or two?"

"Not
really." Cathy avoided Jamie’s eyes.

Jamie
was pretty sure Cathy didn’t have any friends, let alone an adventurous one or
two.

 “What
about you?" She asked gently.

 "ME?
I don't think so." Cathy shook her head vehemently and drew back in her
chair like Jamie had reached out and slapped her.

"Why
not? You said you'd take my advice when you were trying to sell me on this
idea. Was that just a manipulation, or were you serious?"

Cathy
looked like a deer caught in headlights. She had obviously never thought she'd
be taking such an active role in this project. "I was serious, but not
like this. Everyone at work will read about my pathetic attempts to attract a
man. They'll all know that I'm a loser. They might even think I orchestrated
this whole thing to improve my love life," she said glumly.

 "Cathy.
I'm sure no one will think that. And even if they do. Who cares? You're on your
way to fulfilling your dream of being a reporter. That's way more important
than the opinions of some mean-spirited and probably desperately single people
at work. Don't you think your boss will be impressed that you're willing to get
out there and get your hands dirty?"

"I
think he'll be too busy being shocked to be impressed.” Cathy responded dryly.
“He calls me ‘Mouse.’"

Jamie
tried not to smile at this comment. It was unkind but Cathy really did resemble
a timid mouse. "So, mice are cute. I'm sure he meant it as a compliment.
Speaking of cartoon characters, Minnie Mouse is kinda hot, right?"

Cathy
snorted. "He calls me that because he thinks I'm like a plain little
country rodent scurrying around the office, trying not to be noticed. Not a
slutty cartoon mouse who wears gloves, but no underpants. Minnie is not exactly
in Jessica Rabbit's league."

Jamie
actually did grin this time. She'd always thought Cathy was very low on the
personality scale, but now that she was actually getting to know her a bit, she
was delighted to see that Cathy shared Clay's sense of humor. Now, if she could
just get her to agree to transform herself from a mouse into a guinea pig and
then, hopefully, into a butterfly. Messed up animal metaphors aside, she really
needed Cathy onboard with this if she wanted to make a successful attempt at
being a Love Guru.

"Cathy,
this is your golden opportunity to show him that you're not a mouse. You're a
reporter, willing to do anything to get a good story. I think once the shock
wears off, he'll see you differently. I know I certainly have. So, what do you
say?"

She
watched as a huge smile spread across Cathy's face. Jamie was shocked to see
that Cathy's smile was amazing. Her teeth were straight and white and there was
a thin but adorable gap between her front two teeth. She'd rarely seen Cathy
exhibit this joyful expression before and was pleased to note that it made her
look almost pretty.

But
Cathy wasn't smiling at Jamie's pep talk. She'd figured out a way to get out of
being the center of attention. "I know. Clay can do it. He'd love to be in
the limelight. It's perfect."

Inwardly,
Jamie groaned. Could Cathy really be this clueless? "I know that seems
like the solution, but Clay isn't really a good test subject for this."

Cathy
looked crestfallen. "What do you mean? He'd be thrilled to do whatever
crazy stunt you come up with, and he'd probably end up with his own reality TV
show by the end of it. People really like him."

Crazy
stunt? Jamie watched the younger woman closely. There was a wistful note in
Cathy's tone that hinted at a lifetime spent in Clay's shadow. She wasn't
bitter exactly, but she was definitely resigned to being less noticeable than
her flamboyant brother.

At
that moment Jamie became determined to bring Cathy out into the light. She
still cared about saving her store, but she desperately wanted to help Clay's
sister as well. She knew what it was like to define herself by comparisons to a
sibling. It simply wasn't right to allow Cathy to continue feeling inferior to
her brother. She would do whatever necessary to help Cathy see that she was a
separate and fabulous person in her own right.

"Clay
is great,” Jamie said. “But he has a complete ass-hat of a boyfriend who
probably won't be too happy if we're using Clay to demonstrate how to attract
men."

"Probably
not, but Willem won't even commit to Clay, so I really don't think he should
have much say in the matter. He still goes out with other people. Maybe this
will actually motivate him to settle down. You know, make him jealous."

Jamie
looked doubtful. "Maybe. Though I'm not sure if I really want to encourage
Clay and Willem the Worm to become any closer." Jamie took a sip from her
drink and looked longingly at Cathy's chocolate chip muffin. She really needed
to eat. Something healthy and not in the chocolate food group. If she gained
anymore weight she was going to have to start letting out her skirts again and
she’d already done that twice over the last three months.

Cathy
bounced in her seat with excitement. “What if Clay finally came to his senses
and cut him loose?”

"I
don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. But even if it did and Clay
agreed to be your guru, he's not the right demographic. Vancouver has a
thriving and really wonderful gay community, but I doubt your paper is looking
for something quite that risqué. It's hard to believe, but there are still a
lot of people out there who might be offended about a series of articles on men
looking to attract men."

Cathy
began picking at her muffin. "Do you think so?"

"I
do. Also, I really don't know much about attracting gay men. It's not exactly
my forte." She gestured down at her lap. "I really don't have what
they're looking for and if I did then this would be a very different
article."

 Cathy
giggled at this. "Wouldn't the more conservative readers love that? An
article on how hermaphrodites can attract more men?"

This
time both of Jamie's eyebrows went flying up in surprise. This woman really did
have more than a touch of Clay's wit. "No, I can't really see that going
over too well."

“Too
bad. That would make a fascinating article."

"No
doubt. But getting back to our current problem. Even if Clay agreed to be your
test subject, you'd need a new Love Guru. 'Cause I only know about heterosexual
men and they wouldn't be all that interested in Clay."

Cathy
looked crestfallen. "Couldn't Clay do it? He definitely knows a lot about
attracting men. He drinks for free most nights at the clubs."

"Sweetie.
Clay would make an excellent Love Guru if you could do your article on gay men,
which you can't. But then he couldn't be your test subject. It's a vicious
circle. Either way, you are royally screwed. And not in a good way. We can
discuss this for hours, but bottom line is that you're going to have to do it.
Or find someone like you to do it."

"But
what about my conflict of interest? How am I going to be objective if I'm part
of the article?"

"Cat.
This is not Watergate. You're doing a human interest investigative story. The
public loves to read first-hand accounts of people testing products and
theories. Ethically, it's perfectly alright for you to take part in our little
experiment, and you know it. I'm sure your journalism professors would tell you
the same thing. So, why don't you tell me why you really don't want to do
this?"

Cathy
took off her thick glasses and rubbed them with a napkin.

Jamie
noticed that without her specs Cathy looked even more like a mouse. Or maybe a near-sighted
bunny. Her eyelashes were so blonde they were practically invisible. She was
plain Cathy; until she looked up and Jamie saw Clay's startling green eyes
staring myopically back at her. How had she never noticed that Cathy possessed
those amazing orbs? This girl needs contact lenses, STAT, she thought to
herself.

"Isn't
it obvious?" Cathy sighed, waving her glasses at her body.

"No,
it really isn't. I think you'd be perfect for this."

Cathy
slid her glasses back on and gave them a poke with her index finger.
"That's kind of you to say, but the reality is that no matter what you do,
this experiment is doomed for failure if I'm the test subject."

"What?
No it isn't. You're exactly what we're looking for."

"You
mean I'm average," Cathy said morosely.

"No,
I mean you're typical. That's not the same thing at all. The typical woman is
afraid to put herself out there, just like you, or doesn't know what to do to
make the most of herself. Also, just like you." Jamie reached out and
placed a hand on Cathy's arm. "But that doesn't mean you're deficient in
any way and you shouldn't feel bad about needing help. No one teaches us this
stuff and it's not knowledge we're born with. We have to seek it out, which is
pretty embarrassing. So we give up because it's easier to just blame men and
the world in general because we can't find a decent date."

Cathy
gave her a mistrustful look. "Okay, I'm typical. Not average. But how
about you? Why do you know so much about attracting men? I mean, besides the
obvious." She looked pointedly at Jamie's flawless makeup and sexy
secretary ensemble.

"Are
you kidding me? I haven't been on a date in almost two years. I'm hardly an
expert."

"What?
I thought you were exaggerating yesterday. How can you be a Love Guru and not
have oodles of experience?"

"Hey,
I never advertised myself as an expert. And I'm not as experienced as everyone
believes. Not even close. Besides, you and Clay talked me into this. So I'm
prepared to share my attraction theories which are based on observing men in
their most natural state for years.”

“You
mean the strip club?"

"Well,
it was actually a gentleman's club where we performed choreographed burlesque
routines rather than gyrating solo on a pole. But close enough. Believe me, if
you want to see men reduced to their lowest common denominator then get a bunch
of them together, add a few half-naked women and a whole lot of booze and
you'll get a crash course in what they're all about. It was extremely
enlightening."