The Love Laws (6 page)

"That
bad?"

"No,
not at all. It was fun. I loved the music and the costumes. It was exciting. I
mean, sometimes the guys got out of line, but I was lucky enough to be working
in a very upscale place. No one was allowed to touch me, and any rude or
disrespectful behavior wasn't tolerated. But it was still an education. In that
atmosphere their polite public masks are stripped away and you see them how
they really are."

"And
how are they?"

"Well,
mostly they're pretty harmless. Just horny, overgrown adolescents with expense
accounts and jobs."

Cathy
covered her mouth with her hand. "You make them sound like simpletons."

"I
don't mean to. They're not simple exactly, just transparent. And though I'm
sure there are millions of guys out there who are complex and mysterious, in my
experience, they're not complicated at all. So, you shouldn't feel intimidated
by them. They're not that difficult to figure out. They want the four
'A's."

Cathy
looked bewildered. "The Four 'A's? Isn't that some kind of agriculture club
that farm kids belong to?"

"You're
thinking of '4H'. No the four 'A's refers to Affection, Admiration, Acceptance
and Approval. Men want these things from women. Whether it's their mother or
their boss or their girlfriend. Everything they do is geared towards gaining
the Four A's from some poor female."

"I
thought they wanted sex?"

"They
do, but that's not all they want. They're physically driven to pursue sex, but
emotionally it's all about the 4A's. And think about it. Isn't sex, at its
core, about acceptance? I mean we accept them into our bodies which means we
approve of them in some way at least. And if we're touching them affectionately
and expressing admiration for them while they're getting down to business then
we're giving them everything they need."

“Wow.
You've really given this some thought, haven't you?"

"A
little bit. Yeah." Jamie ignored the blush suddenly rising up her pale
neck. She really did spend a lot of time trying to figure people out,
especially men. It was sort of a hobby she'd forgotten about until recently.
Clearly, she still found the rough and hairy gender very fascinating, even if she
never had time for them.

Cathy
sighed. "I still don't think I have what it takes to make this experiment
work. I'm useless when it comes to attracting men, and none of your theories
will change that."

"Cat.
When I look at you, I see a woman with loads of potential, but who's clueless
how to make it work for her. Just like about a gazillion other people in this
city. Which makes you absolutely ideal. I wish you could believe that."

"Even
if that were all true. I really don't think I can do this. I'm not Clay. And I
don't know what you're planning exactly, but I suspect you're going to want to
put me in some awkward social situations. And that really isn't my thing at
all. I get hives just thinking about it. I wish I had a fraction of Clay's
confidence, but I just don't."

"I
totally get that. But you can do this. I know it."

"No,
Clay could do this. It's like he was genetically engineered in a lab to be
charming. I'm not him. I don't know how to talk to strangers. And talking to
people I do know isn't that much better. And forget about interacting with men.
Attractive guys give me hysterical muteness."

"Hysterical
muteness? Is that a real thing?"

"For
me it is."

"Listen,
I know exactly where you're coming from. I have a sister too, remember?"

"Jamie.
Jessica is about as outgoing as a houseplant. You have no idea what it's like
to grow up geeky next to a sibling who positively reeked of popularity."

Jamie
gave her a stern look. "C'mon. Jessica isn't nearly as shy as she used to
be and you make it sound like Clay was Prom King or something. From what he's
said, being gay made him a social outcast in your little Alberta town."

Cathy
snorted. "Oh Please. Medicine Hat isn't all that small. And he graduated
in 1999, not 1959. No one really cared that much about him being gay. I know he
makes it sound like he was bullied at every turn but that's not true at all.
Maybe it felt like that to him because a few of the Neanderthal jock-straps
gave him a hard time. But for the most part, Clay was worshipped at our school.
And at home. My mom practically glowed with parental pride every single time he
walked in the door. She still does," she grumbled.

"Seriously?
He wasn't tormented?"

"Seriously.
I know he likes to make out like he's been flamboyant and fabulous since birth,
but the reality is that he wasn't like that at all as a kid. He may have been
in drama club, and had a disturbing amount of N'sync posters on his wall, but
he also played hockey and dated girls. At least until he came out during his
senior year."

Jamie
nearly choked on her coffee. "Clay played hockey?" She spluttered. It
was impossible to picture impeccable Clay wearing cumbersome, sweaty hockey
gear and getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to willingly chase a puck around
an icy rink.

The
dating girls part didn't surprise her nearly as much. Jamie had no illusions
about Clay in that regard. He was clearly attracted to men and had embraced the
stereotypical gay aversion to anything that suggested otherwise, but on at
least three drunken occasions she and Clay had ended up making out passionately
after an evening of clubbing together. It had never progressed beyond that.
Neither of them was willing to sacrifice their friendship to pursue anything
more. But it had been very clear to Jamie that Clay wasn't nearly as put off by
women as he pretended. It was just part of his persona.

The
real Clay was in there somewhere between the sophisticated urban gay man and
the misunderstood farm jock with a secret. Just like the real Jamie resided
somewhere between the provocative stripper and the sedate business woman facade
she'd assumed recently. Now, if she could just convince Cathy that she also
could also evolve into a more polished and confident version of herself then
she would have the potential for a great makeover. Not to mention a real chance
at inspiring people to re-invent themselves. The mere idea of helping people on
that scale made her positively giddy with excitement. All of her selfish
behavior after her parent's death wouldn't matter if she could make this happen.

Cathy
grinned. "Yup. He was good too. Our dad was really disappointed when he
quit."

Jamie
shook her head in wonder. "It boggles the mind. But getting back to
Jessica, what I meant was that growing up with someone like her wasn't easy
either."

"No
offense." Cathy said dryly. "But I can't imagine you having any
trouble outshining Jessica. She's wonderful, but clearly you are the more
charismatic twin."

Jamie
chose to ignore this second slur against her sister. Usually she would fly to
Jessica's defense, and put Cathy in her place but she didn't actually think
Clay's little sister meant to insult anyone. She seemed to have some
uncontrollable contempt for anyone who struggled with overcoming shyness.
Perhaps because she saw it as a weakness in herself.

Jamie
took another sip from her mug to stall for a moment and gather her thoughts.
"Well, I don't know about that, but I used to believe that she was
everything I'm not. Like, she's the smart one. The serious one. And I'm the
wild and frivolous one. Some would say I'm the slutty, selfish one. We've been
playing those roles for so long I’d started to believe that I was that person.
But I'm not. There's more to me than who I am in relation to her. I may not be
bookish and saintly like her, but I'm intelligent in my own way. I also
realized that I don't have to be outrageous all the time or shock people just
because that's what they expect from me. I can run a business, and I don't have
to flirt with every man I meet. There's more to me than that. And there's more
to you than being Clay's introverted little sister."

"Maybe
so, but you have no idea what it was like growing up with him. I mean, I love
my brother, but he pretty much sucks up all the attention in any
situation."

Jamie
grinned at this. She could well imagine having to contend with Clay's need for
drama on a daily basis. "But you're not in his shadow anymore. You don't
have to be that person. In fact, I think you're more like him than you
know."

Cathy
looked at her in disbelief. "You have got to be kidding me. We're hardly
even the same species. If we didn't both have the same freakishly long gorilla
toes, I wouldn't even believe we were related."

"See.
That's what I mean. You have the same quirky sense of humor as your brother and
you've talked practically non-stop for the past hour." Jamie looked at her
watch. “You’ve just decided to put yourself in this box where it's safe and
comfortable and you never have to compete with him, but now you're discovering
that you're trapped in there. I think it's time to get you out. And that means
taking an active role in this article. Starting with a makeover. What do you
think?"

"Makeover?
Why do I need a makeover? I thought this was about my personality, or lack thereof."

Inwardly,
Jamie sighed. Could Cathy really not see that her plain and downright frumpy
outward appearance hardly invited people to approach her? "It is. But part
of that will be seeing yourself in a new way. And changing your style a wee bit
will really help alter your perspective. Don't you think?"

"Not
really. But you're the Love Guru."

"I
am, aren't I?"

"I
do believe that you may just be exactly that." Cathy raised her cup in a
salute.

Jamie
clicked her own cup against Cathy’s.

Unable
to help resist temptation a moment longer Jamie reached across the table and took
a generous pinch of Cathy’s muffin. Chewing thoughtfully, her mind began processing
all the mistakes women typically made when trying to attract men. She had a
daunting task ahead of her – she loved giving advice and felt she had a real
knack for it, but writing? Not her thing. She wasn’t a huge brainiac like her
sister.

But
if Cathy could take a chance and leave her comfort zone far behind then why
couldn’t she? She could pretend to be a writer if doing so could possibly save
her store. She just hoped no one called her bluff.

Chapter
Four

Love Law #1 – Men are visual creatures.

Basically, that’s just a polite way of
saying they get off on looking at hot chicks. But there's more to it than that.
They respond on a primal level to a woman who takes care of themselves because
they’re self-centred and assume we’re making the effort to attract them. Being
well-groomed is like an advertisement for availability. Not that married women
don’t take care of themselves, but the belief is that many women become less diligent
about their clothes, makeup and bodies after they settle down. Is this a
stereotype? Yup. Is it superficial? You bet. But if you want to attract a man,
you can’t expect him to be drawn to your beautiful soul if the packaging looks
like crap. So, dump the sweat pants and hit the gym occasionally. Wear shoes
that are comfortable, but also make your legs look fantastic. Don’t go crazy
and wear evening gowns to the supermarket. You'll look like you're trying too
hard and the smell of desperation is way more repulsive than the cheapest drug
store perfume. The objective isn’t to impress with designer labels, dragon-lady
fingernails, or ripped abs. Guys don’t care about that as much as we do anyway.
Be tidy, be stylish. Take pride in yourself and know that you've made an effort
to look your best every single time you walk out the door. Wear lingerie
because it makes you feel sexy as hell, not because you want to show it to
someone. You’ll be surprised how far self-confidence will take you with men
and, more importantly, in life.

“You
cannot be serious about this?” Jessica Martin asked her twin, incredulity
evident in every line of her slim body as she threw the sheet of newsprint down
on the table.

The
two red-headed women were sitting in a large booth in Steamworks, a popular pub
in the Gastown section of Vancouver. Jessica’s new husband, Duncan, was
currently at the bar retrieving their drink order from the sexy barmaid. His
devoted standard poodle, Hannibal, trotted at his side.

Jamie
had taken this opportunity alone with Jessica to show her sister an early proof
of the first edition of The Love Laws. Jamie wasn’t, however, quite ready to
hear Duncan’s perspective on Cathy’s article. Given Duncan’s rather protective
nature he would definitely not approve.

“What?
You don’t like the pictures?” Jamie feigned puzzlement and pulled the long
sheet of paper to her side of the table. She furrowed her brow and examined the
full body shot of her, leaning over an iron railing while modeling one of her
more provocative lingerie designs. Her long hair was tousled and she looked
coquettishly at the camera, like she had a naughty secret she couldn’t wait to
reveal.

It
was a sexy, eye-catching photograph, but her own critical eye was drawn to all
the areas of her body that she would prefer kept safely camouflaged. Cathy had
assured her that she looked incredible, but all Jamie could see was her
slightly rounded stomach and thick waist. On some level, she knew these flaws
were mostly in her head, but after years spent as a performer it was hard to
look at herself without comparing her current body to how it had been just a
year ago.