The Love Sucks Club (17 page)

Forcing myself to come fully back, I sit up straight and pull
myself over the wheel well of the jeep. “I must have fallen asleep.”

“Well, wake up. It’s time for dinner.”

“Hey, by the time Olivia finishes putting on her lipstick, we’ll
be through the second course.”

“Ha
ha
, Dana,” Olivia says, slamming her
lipstick into her purse and sliding out of the jeep. “You really crack me up.”

“You and everyone else, baby,” I say, taking her arm. Linking my
other arm through Susannah’s, I guide them both to the restaurant door.

“Oh, Dana,” Olivia drawls as I hold the door open for her. “You’re
almost a gentleman.”

“A gentlewoman,” I correct.

“A gentle butch,” Susannah adds.

“Ah hell, she’s not a butch,” Sam says from the other side of the
waiting area.

We give each other one arm hugs. She greets the ladies and
gestures toward the seating area. “I have a table already.”

Olivia takes Sam’s arm forcefully and marches her through the
restaurant. Sam looks back at me in question, but all I can do is shrug.
Susannah smiles.
“Olivia likes to make a scene and if she
can’t show up with a man on her arm, then she’s going to show up with a woman.”

“Sam’s a good-looking dyke,” I agree. “She’s certainly a better
catch than the porn star Olivia was dating the other night.”

“Oh God,” Susannah rolls her eyes. “Don’t even mention him.”

We reach the table and I hold a chair out for my sister. Olivia is
already seated.

“All we ever do is
eat
,” she complains.
“There’s nothing to do on this island but go out to eat or drink.”

“Make your own fun,” I answer. “Take a hike. Start a volleyball
game. Go snorkeling. Learn to play the harmonica.”

Flopping back in her chair, Sam rolls her eyes. “Please do not
counsel her to learn the harmonica. I can picture her whipping it out at every
bonfire and blasting all of our ears.”

“Why are you such an asshole?” Olivia asks.

“Why do you take everything so personally?”

“It’s hard not to take it personally when you’re talking specifically
about me.”

“She’s got a point there,” Susannah says, picking up her menu.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry for hurting your overly sensitive
feelings,” Sam says.

Interrupting before Olivia can respond, I ask my sister what we
should order. She points out her favorite items on the menu and we make a plan.
Sam flips to the back where they have food for non-sushi eaters and scans the
page. “Here we go.
Cheeseburger.
It better be good.”

“You’re so worldly, Sam,” Olivia says.

“I like meat, potatoes, football, and belching,” Sam replies. “I’m
an all-American butch.”

“All-American redneck is more like it,” Olivia sniffs.

“Give me a break. I saw that Country’s Best Hits compilation in
your car.”

“So? You don’t have to be a redneck to listen to country!”

“No, but it helps,” I add.

The waiter brings our drinks and takes our food order. As he’s
leaving the table, I notice Mandy sitting across the room from us with a woman
I vaguely recognize from The Sands. Elbowing Sam, I nod in their direction.
“Who’s that?”

“That’s...ah...
what’s her name
.”

“Thank you. That’s incredibly helpful.”

“She used to date the woman who runs the
chiro
office on the east side.

I snap my fingers and nod my head.
“Yeah, yeah,
yeah.
Oh God, what’s her name?”

Olivia glances across the room. “That’s Vickie Jane Lowry.”

“How do you know?” Sam looks incredulous.

“I don’t live under a rock. I know people.”

“How do you know her?” Sam wants to know.

“She came on to me one night at The Loon. We talked for a couple
of hours. She’s a very nice woman.”

“She’s not at all nice,” Sam replies. “She’s a snooty realtor
type. Why the hell was she hitting on you?”

“Wow, Sam.
Jealous much?”
Olivia asks.

Affronted, Sam snorts, but doesn’t reply.

The waiter starts laying our food out on the table and Susannah
grabs her chopsticks. She takes a California roll, lays out a sliver of fresh
ginger on top of it, dips it into the slightest bit of wasabi and holds it out
to Sam. “Just try it,” she cajoles.

“Forget it,” Sam says, shaking her head. She takes a huge bite of
her burger and pronounces it perfect.

Pretending to be enjoying my meal, I keep taking sidelong glances
at Mandy and Vicki. I wonder if they’re dating each other now. As I watch,
Mandy takes a piece of food from her own plate and feeds it to Vicki. Her
fingers linger on the other woman’s lips. I wonder if my ex knows that Mandy is
whoring around. Then again, why should I care? I guess I don’t like her that
much, but we do have a history. I don’t want to see her get fucked over.

“It’s probably none of my business,” I mutter.

“What isn’t?” Susannah asks with her mouth full.

“This is an expensive meal,” I tell her. “Shouldn’t you be
savoring it instead of stuffing it in your mouth?”

She picks up a slimy-looking piece of fish and waves it around in
front of me.

“You’re disgusting,” I say.

Sam swings her head in the direction of the women across the
restaurant. “Are you bothered by that?”

“A little.
I don’t know why, though. I
guess it’s just that all of her other faults aside, Jackie was never a
cheater.”

“Oh my God!”
Sam holds her fingers up in the
shape of a cross. “You said her name!”

“Oh grow up, Sam!” Olivia glances across at the women again. “It’s
about time Dana stopped calling her Voldemort. I mean, what are you? Twelve?”

Sam shakes her head. “Why does everyone keep saying that about
us?”

Susannah pops another piece of sushi in her mouth and sighs. “God,
this is delicious.”

I force myself to eat several more bites before allowing myself to
look back at the women. Mandy is falling out of her shirt. I swear we are about
to witness a wardrobe malfunction in the middle of the restaurant. Catching my
eye, Sam grins and looks back to the women. Vicki has one arm around Mandy.
With her other hand, she is running her fingers over and into Mandy’s extensive
cleavage.

“Oh my!”
Olivia is shocked. “That hardly
seems appropriate.”

“Well, Mandy is used to going to the Pit on her dates,” Sam says.
“This kind of behavior is not only tolerated, but welcomed there.”

Popping the last piece of sushi into her mouth, Susannah laughs. “I
once saw a guy shaving his dog at The Pit.”

Reeling back, Sam almost chokes on her last French fry. “Is that a
euphemism?”

“No. I mean, he was literally shaving his dog. He had clippers
plugged into the wall and he was using them to shave his dog.”

“Dogs aren’t allowed in public restaurants,” Olivia exclaims.

“The fact that there was a dog in the place is probably the least
offensive part of the whole thing,” I laugh.

“In his defense, he was cleaning up the hair as he went,” Susannah
adds.

I can’t quite wrap my mind around the entire situation. “That’s
something, I suppose.

”Well, I think the Pit is awesome,” Sam grins. “And obviously
Olivia doesn’t have a problem with it since she was there with her hot date the
other night.”

Sam and I both laugh. Olivia kicks Sam under the table. “Fuck you,
Sam.”

“Aw, come on, Olivia.
Seriously.
You make
fun of me all of the time. I can’t say one thing about you going out with Ron
Jeremy?”

“Why do you have to pick on me so
much
”

“You make it so easy,” Sam says.

“You’re just such an asshole about it.”

“You’re an asshole to me. You just take everything so personally.
It’s like you have to be so fucking dramatic all of the time. If you broke a
nail, you’d go wailing to Susannah and demand bandages and some codeine. You’re
a drama queen and you want everyone to know it.”

Olivia stands up, glaring. “Have you ever considered that what you
call drama, I call feeling? Yes, I feel things? Yes, I cry over things.” Her
eyes start tearing up and Sam looks uncomfortable. “I’m sensitive. I’m afraid.
And I don’t want to have to face these things on my own. Should I know how to
change my own tire? Yes. Does it make everything better to know that I have a
friend who will come and stand by me when something unexpected like that
happens? Yes.” She’s full on crying now. Sam stands up, too, and puts her hand
awkwardly on Olivia’s shoulder.

“Look, I’m so...”

Olivia interrupts her. “You’re so sure of yourself and your place
in this world. You know how to do stuff and you aren’t afraid of anything. It’s
easy to take things lightly when you aren’t afraid. Well, I’ve been beat up and
assaulted and stepped on and laughed at and treated like a little girl who
can’t do anything for herself and if I’m going to be treated like shit, I’m
going to get something out of it!”

She stalks out of the restaurant. The people at the next table are
glaring over at us. “Mind your own business,” Sam tells them. The woman mutters
something to the man and they both shake their heads.

Standing up, Susannah throws her napkin down on the table. “Thanks
a lot, you two.
Really.
I hope you feel really great
about yourselves.”

She starts for the door. “And you can pay the damn bill,” she
tosses over her shoulder.

Leaning back in her chair, Sam crosses her hands behind her head
and closes her eyes. “I really do have a way with women, don’t I?”

“To be fair, I didn’t think you were that bad.”

“I hurt her feelings. I kind of feel bad.”

“And now we have to pay the bill. Thanks a lot.”

“And by
we
, I think you mean you. I don’t
have any money until I get paid tomorrow.”

Sighing, I reach for my wallet. “Of course you don’t.”

I signal for the bill and hand over my credit card to the waiter.
He brings it back and I leave an overly generous tip to make up for the drama.
Looking across the room as we stand to leave, I see Mandy slide over onto
Vicki’s lap. She’s full on grinding against her. We have to walk past them to
leave. As we get close to their table, Sam stops mid-step and stares at them
with her mouth hanging open. The manager of the restaurant tears over to their
table and taps Mandy on the shoulder. “This is not appropriate behavior.”

“Oh please,” Mandy says. “You’re just saying that because we’re
women. If we were a hetero couple, you wouldn’t have a problem with this.”

“I have a problem with inappropriate behavior in my restaurant. I
don’t care who you are.”

Vicki starts trying to release herself from Mandy. “Look, I’m
sorry. I got a little tipsy.”

“Just pay your bill and leave,” he says.

Mandy rears back and glares
at him without releasing her
grip on Vicki. “I could sue you for discrimination.”

Sam laughs loud enough that everyone involved in the strange
situation turns to stare at her. Mandy narrows her eyes as she catches sight of
us. “You two should be involved in this,” she says, extricating herself from
Vicki’s lap. Standing up in a huff, she yanks down her skirt which has gotten
bunched up around her hips. “This man is discriminating against our people.”

“Mandy, we are so not your people,” Sam snorts. “
Your
people are at The Pit having a contest to see who can fit the most peanuts into
their mouths at one time.”

“One of them will choke to death and his last words will have
been, ‘Hey honey, watch this.’” I add.

“God, you’re so funny,” she screeches.

Pulling herself to her feet, Vicki stands in front of me. She
towers over me by about four inches and outweighs me by about eighty pounds.
She looks like my old middle school gym teacher. She turns her back on me and
motions to the manager of the restaurant. As she fumbles for her wallet to pay
the bill, Sam and I make a quick departure.

“Hey,” I hear her call from behind us, “I want to talk to you.”

Ignoring her, I drag Sam by the arm. When we get to the truck, we
jump in and Sam takes off.

“Never let it be said that we run away from a fight,” Sam gasps,
laughing.

“We didn’t run away. We walked away quickly.”

“Yes, I was practicing for the speed-walkers race at the mall.”

Laughing again, I reach over and smack her on the arm. “We’ve
managed to piss off four women this evening. Is that a new record?”’

“Not for me,” she says, shaking her head.