The Magic Fart (27 page)

She sighed with relief, and felt her lungs shifting around the giant pole within her. She had accommodated the colossus. Two feet long, five or six inches thick, a genuine monster, encompassed. It was a singular victory.

But the climax was still to come. What horrific eruption was likely to come from such a gargantuan member? She rested in place, her legs dangling, feet not touching the floor, awaiting the culmination.

The phallus heated and swelled a bit more, readying its delivery. She felt a tremor down in the scrotum, maybe only a two on the rectum scale, but suggestive of the blast to come. It rumbled in the channel, and the organ became yet more turgid. At last the fluid surged out with such lava-like force that she was lifted a foot, sliding up the shaft. Then she settled again, pneumatically, as the flow diminished, and her weight pressed it out to drool onto the floor.

But that was only the half of it. The moment the turbulent elixir struck her inner flesh, the wondrous delight of it radiated outward through her body, transforming it into a vessel of transcendent joy. Her heart and lungs seemed to function more efficiently, her breasts fairly glowed with enhanced sex appeal, and her head became marvelously clear. As the substance coursed downward, her guts and kidneys shared the joy, and her vagina became a column of rapture.

“Oh, demon,” she gasped. “I never had an orgasm like that!” She lifted her face and managed to reach his face, kissing him on the tusked chin. “I didn’t have to fake anything.”

But all things had to end, and though the phallus remained rigid, the pleasure slowly faded as the ejaculation lost its freshness. The demon put his hands on her hips and lifted her off, inch by inch and foot by foot, until her crevice cleared the divine pediment.

She staggered to the bed and flopped onto it, driblets of the demon’s semen still leaking from her cleft. She lay there, recovering from an experience that had become far more rewarding than she had expected. She had taken in quadruple the ordinary length, and had quadruple the pleasure.

She slept, delightfully exhausted. At one point she woke, discovering Chance with her, nursing. The demon must have brought him, and made no further demand on her. It just might be that the experience had been as fulfilling for him as for her, and he needed no further contact.

In the morning she got up and washed, dressed, and ate while nursing Chance. This apartment, like the others, was well appointed; everything she needed was there.

She poked an exploratory finger into her vagina and found that it had reverted to its normal configuration. That was just as well; she didn’t need a two foot long vagina when not having sex. However, she suspected that she would be able to lengthen it again more rapidly at need; she had established the template.

The demon reappeared. Oops, she might have reverted too soon. She put Chance down and indicated her body. “Do you wish another session?”

He shook his head no. It seemed that once was enough, and he was just checking in on her. “I’m fine,” she said, realizing that he was the strong silent type, having no actual mouth orifice. “You are a good host.”

He nodded, and turned away. But she found she couldn’t leave it at that. She went after him and stood before him. “Lift me up so I can reach your face.”

He did so, and she kissed him on the mouth region, between the tusks. “You were great last night, Branch Five. We really must do it again some time.” She had found that it paid to flatter the demons, but what she said was true. It had been a truly transcendent experience.

He set her down and departed. She had the rest of the morning to her self.

At noon Prior arrived, ready for the final challenge. Tantamount related to him, of course; he was indeed the right man for her, apart from being the father of her child. This whole business of the tower and demon combats had satisfied her. In time she would surely come to love him. But she was sorry that the demons had to be dispatched. They were not evil, merely trying to do their job, which was to recover and guard the Spire. Even the mean-spirited First Branch had that useful magic carpet form, and he hadn’t abused her once she accepted his persistent phallus. In fact it had been an interesting way to travel; his penis, like the others, had radiated a certain pleasure into her body.

She was allowed to bring Chance out and witness the event. Apparently once she had committed to indulging him, the demon trusted her and gave her full freedom. That suggested an underlying decency she appreciated.

Prior and the demon entered the pentacle. They grappled. The demon lifted the man up and shoved his face at the end of the perpetually erect phallus. That would be where he farted from, of course; the demon had no other orifice. She saw that Prior couldn’t get his posterior into place; his whole body was in the air.

The demon’s fundament quivered as he readied his emission. Tantamount held her breath. Prior needed to break this hold in a hurry or he would be farted into oblivion.

Prior put his mouth on the slit of the penis. What was he doing? That would wipe him out the moment the gas emerged.

Then the demon staggered and disappeared. Prior dropped to the ground, managing to land on his feet. “What happened?” Tantamount asked, astonished. “I put the Spire in my throat,” Prior explained. “I farted before he did.” Amazed, she had to laugh. So obvious, yet she and the demon had missed it. “Oh, Prior, you’re so clever!” She ran up and kissed him. “Now we can go home and get married.” “Not so fast.” She turned. There were all five of the Cherry Tree Branches standing around them.

Chapter 27—T hree Curses

Prior stared. “But I abolished you!” he said somewhat dully. “Listen, shit for brains,” the ugly First Branch said. “After the way you hoodwinked us on Mount Icecream, we resolved not to be caught that way again.”

“Yet despite your unprepossessing appearance,” the shapely Second Branch said, “we found you to be a satisfying sexual partner, so we decided to salvage you.”

“So we made a plan,” the grotesque Third Branch said, his stubby tele scoping penis jiggling. “We resolved that should we discover ourselves to be on the verge of defeat, we would invoke an escape mechanism.”

“Thus avoiding destruction,” the voluptuous Fourth Branch said, shift ing rapidly through several animal forms. “Thus we deceived you by decamping rather than dissolving.”

The monstrous ever-rigid phallus of the Fifth Branch, the full grown eeg, twitched. It spurted a thin line of taffy as it wiggled. The taffy landed on the ground and spelled out a message in script: In short, we cheated. “But that’s not fair!” Prior protested. “Yeah?” the first Branch asked belligerently. “So what are you going to

do about it, loser?” “I’ll put you away again,” Prior retorted with obviously false bravado. “All of us at once?” the Third Branch inquired with a warty nosed sneer. “Yet it need not be an arduous confinement,” the Fourth Branch said with a truly lovely smile. “My sister and I will use you for frequent sex, and our brothers will have similar use for your girlfriend. All you have to do is agree.”

“I hope you
don’t
agree,” the First Branch said. “Then we’ll have a pretext to rape both of you until your holes turn inside out.”

Prior looked at Tantamount. “This is awkward,” she said. “But faced with their reneging, I must say that it is not hard to get along with them, if you don’t fight them. They are fair minded, for demons, and if you give them what they want, they are tolerant and even generous in other respects.” “But all they want is sex and the Spire!” She nodded. “What is your point?” “I can’t abide letting them win by cheating. It just isn’t right.” “Your sentiment becomes you. But unless you have a way to enforce

your victories, we must be practical.” Prior sought better advice. “Spire, what can we do?” “I doubt the Spire can help you now,” the Second Branch said. “It is our purpose to keep and protect the Spire. It is our reason for being.” She smiled and stroked her luscious outline. “Really, Prior, we are offering you a reasonable alternative. We’ll even allow you to have some sex with your girlfriend when we aren’t using the two of you.”

“Voyeurism can be fun,” the Fourth Branch agreed, making her volup tuous flesh quiver.

Meanwhile the Spire made a small gout in Prior’s mouth.
YOU CAN’T OVERPOWER THE CHEATING EEGS. THE ONLY CHANCE IS THE MAGIC FART.
A magic fart? We’ve been using them all along.

THE

THE
MAGIC FART. THAT WILL SUMMON EGG. BUT THAT’S DANGEROUS.
I don’t care what it is or who it calls. If it solves this problem, I’m for it. Loose the

Magic Fart!
YOUR FOOLISH WISH IS MY COMMAND. AIM ME AT THE SKY.
Prior tilted his head back and opened his mouth so that the tip of the

Spire had access to the sky. “Look out!” the Third Branch cried. “He’s really going for the Magic

Fart!” All five demons pounced on Prior. But the Spire was already loosing the Fart. It powered out of his mouth like the hiss of a jet engine, making a lurid burning column in the sky, expanding as it went.

The demons landed on Prior and bore him to the ground. The First Branch had one arm, the Third Branch the other arm, and the Fifth Branch his legs. The sultry Second Branch’s tight cleft was in his face, and he felt the cool plush bottom of the dusky Fourth Branch on his crotch. They had overpowered him. But the Fart had been loosed, and was on its way to summon EGG.

“Piss, poop, and damnation!” the First Branch swore. “The thing is out. It will accelerate to E=MC cubed.”

“It will scorch Earth’s atmosphere and warm the globe five degrees,” the Second Branch said, her petite vulva quivering with horror. Indeed, the ambient temperature already seemed warmer. “And that’s before it gets its second wind.”

“It will blow the corona off the sun as it passes,” the Third Branch said. “Before it gets its third wind.” “And finally lodge in the very center of the galaxy,” the Fourth Branch said, taking Prior’s stiffening penis into her eager vagina. “Which it will solidly plug.”

“Which should get the attention of the Eldest God of the Galaxy,” Tantamount said. “Now if you demons will kindly let my man up, maybe we can make ourselves presentable for his arrival.”

The demons hastily let Prior go, though not before the Spire had tickled Second’s vagina with a thin jet of laughing gas, making her giggle, and Fourth had evoked a driblet of pleasure from Prior’s captive penis.

“Now you were giving us the choice between cooperation or rape,” Tan tamount said to the demons. “What will you offer us to intercede for you when EGG comes?”

The demons were obviously shaken, fearing the wrath of EGG. “Abso lute servile loyalty and service,” First said.

“Sex, whenever and however either or both of you want it,” Second said.

“And information,” the Third Branch said. “Beginning with this: you are in danger too, but there is a way out for all of us.” “Ask for the Punishment of the Three Curses,” Fourth said.
Fifth squirted script. And apply your curses to others, not yourself. Tantamount turned to Prior. “Does that make sense?” “Does it?” Prior asked the Spire.
YES, IF USED INTELLIGENTLY.
Then all became perhaps moot, as an incredible effulgence formed around them. This coalesced into a giant scintillating man, flanked by a woman so luscious it was difficult to gaze directly at her. The five demons fell to the ground, groveling. This was evidently EGG, the Eldest God of the Galaxy. “Welcome, O EGG,” First quavered. “And Favored Concubine of the Moment,” Second breathed. “Cut the crap. Who abused the Spire?” EGG demanded, assuming a less effulgent aspect. “I did,” Prior said, as boldly as he could manage. “I demand the Punish

ment of the Three Curses.”
EGG considered. “That could be interesting. Very well, name

your curses.”

PHRASE YOUR DESIRES NEGATIVELY,
the Spire warned.

“Shut up, dildo,” EGG snapped. “You have proved to be more trouble than you’re worth. I’ll abolish you after destroying this human miscreant and the errant eegs.”

That gave Prior the hint. “My first curse is on the Spire itself, for obey ing an unworthy mortal human man. Abolition is too good for it. Instead it should be forced to serve the lowliest of creatures, a mortal human woman. That will truly make it wish it had never been made. Send it to Oubliette Emdee, to answer to her every ridiculous whim.”

EGG nodded. “I like that. Done.” And the Spire was abruptly gone from Prior’s throat.

“My second curse is on these five expressly endowed golems, who failed to properly guard the Spire,” Prior continued. “Destruction is too good for them, also. They should be reduced to at least as lowly service as the Spire. Bind them to another mortal woman, to perform exactly as she orders, no matter how degrading. To this woman here, Tantamount Emdee.”
EGG nodded again. “It is fitting. Done.”

The five demons crawled to Tantamount’s vicinity. “We are duly appalled,”

Third whispered. The Favored Concubine frowned, not entirely fooled. Prior took a breath. So far so good—but could he save himself? He had

to gamble. “My third curse is on you, EGG.” EGG inflated, and small lightning jags radiated from his eyeballs.