The Masquerade (25 page)

I realized he was waiting for me to continue so I shook my head. "I need to go."

The moment I spoke the words, the ice in his eyes returned.
His tone was clipped when he spoke. "Do you?"

His expression took me off guard. "Yes, I do."

"I'll walk you to your door."

"No," I held up my hand. "I'm fine." But
even I couldn't hold onto the firm words. The ground shook beneath me, threatening to give me away, to break the wall I was desperately trying to build.

"Don't do this."

"I can't do this, Ben." I sucked in a deep breath to ease the pain rising in my chest. It only worsened when I turned away from him to walk to my house. "You see, that's just the thing. I can't."

"This isn't about who I am, is it?" Ben's harsh
words struck a nerve that caused me to stop in place. I suddenly heard his voice behind me. "It never was."

"I can't talk about it, Ben. It's done."

His voice hardened. "
Done?
What's done? Us?"

I began to walk again. I couldn't face him. Hearing him say the words out loud pinched me with a sharp pain that would never leave me. I
was driving him to this. I didn't feel any better doing it.

"Talk to me, Ella." I felt his hand encircle my wrist. He pulled me to face him. His eyes searched through mine, desperate to find something. When he found whatever he was looking for he nodded once and
the muscle in his jaw locked. "If you never want to see me again, that's fine. I'll go. But you need to look me in the eyes and tell me to leave."

I nearly choked on my words. "Please Ben, let me
go."

His eyes narrowed. "You can't do it. You need me to be the one to push you away." He suddenly pulled me against him, his hand on the small of my back urging me closer. His eyes, dangerous with fury and lust,
leveled with mine. "I'm not letting you go. Not this time."

"No," I shook my head and pushed him off me. "I don't want this."

He stared at me unaffected. It was like he was waiting for
the punch line. "You want to be with me as much as I want to be with you."

My face fell into a frown. "Your arrogance is showing."

"It's not arrogance, baby. It's the truth and you're
scared of it."

"No!" I shot back. "I'm not scared. I'm just," I shook my head. I wasn't really sure of what I was going to say. I have those moments. "I can't, okay. I just can't do this and any reason I
give won't satisfy you!"

He shook his head, his eyes flaring. "Don't pull that!"

The frustration began to cloud my mind. I couldn't think straight. I needed to be alone before I gave in to him. I threw my hands up in
aggravation. "Just let it go! Please!" I turned around and continued to walk towards my house, quickening my pace. I heard him following behind me, but I hoped as I neared my front porch he would fall back.

"What are you scared of?"

"Nothing!" I hissed over my shoulder when I climbed my porch steps.

I was at my front door. I had my keys in hand, ready to unlock the door to my darkened house. I grimaced in anticipation for the
emptiness I would feel when I shut the door behind me. My mom was working and I would be alone. I was used to being alone, only this time I didn't want to be.
Whose fault is that?
My voice chanted within my mind.

"Lie!" He shouted. I winced wondering if our raised voices would wake the neighbors. His tone was deliberate. He wanted to make a commotion so I would give in to him.

"Go away," I said in a hushed tone.

"And leave you here alone?" He shouted. "I don't think so."

"Shut up! You're going to wake the neighbors."

"Is it the chase? Do you like the idea of rock stars
falling at your feet?"

"What?" I whirled around to face him, frowning in disbelief.

He laughed and shrugged, as if to give himself a point for
the comment, "That got your attention."

"You're an ass," I scoffed.

"If I'm an ass for putting up with you, then fine!" He suddenly bounded up the porch steps until we were only feet
apart. "I'll be the biggest asshole in the world, but at least you won't be alone." He was shouting and I knew someone was going to come over if he didn't put a sock in it.

"Shut up, Ben!" I shouted back. I had my hands
raised, ready to comment on the commotion we were causing, but I didn't have the chance.

He grabbed both my arms and roughly shoved me up against my door. My back hit the wood with a light thud. His touch was harsh, yet he still
handled me with care. My eyes were wide and stared up at him in shock. He towered over me, a smirk set on his lips, and one dark eyebrow arched.

"Make me."

I was frozen as my mind processed his actions. I wanted to
get a backbone and have the strength of a girl who could shove him off with ease. But I didn't want him to let me go. The second he touched me it was game over. I wanted him to hold me captive underneath his penetrating gaze. I never
felt safer and more complete in my entire life than when I was with him. My head screamed for me to stop, but my heart lurched for him. I wanted him, fear shoved aside.

He found what he was hungrily searching for in my eyes. He
quickly leaned his head down, but I met him halfway. His lips captured mine in a desperate kiss that I found myself struggling to get enough of. I was drowning in him, in his taste, his touch, his smell. Every part of him was on me, pushing against me, crushing me to him.

I was in his arms, my legs wrapped around his waist, and my hands clutching his shirt, clinging to him as though my life depended on it. The door that was supporting my back swung open and I tightened my grip, my
arms locked around his neck. Once we were both inside and the door was shut, my back was immediately pushed against a wall. Feeling heat rush over me in waves, traveling lower, I locked my legs around his waist.

His hands tangled in my hair as he kissed me in a way that
branded me to him. I would never be the same. It's Ben. It will only ever be him. In that everlasting breath taking moment Ava's words haunted me. He isn't my father. He isn't Eli. He isn't Noah. Ben won't leave me, no matter how many
times I asked him to. I kissed him back, giving him everything, showing him the depth of my emotions, including my pain.

His mouth abruptly tore away from mine. I whimpered in protest when he leaned his forehead against mine. "Tell me to leave,"
he said roughly.

"No," I whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his jawline.

"Then I'm staying," and his lips consumed mine.

His hands traveled lower until they were underneath my ass
to support my weight. The wall vanished behind me. I broke the kiss to find Ben was carrying me up the stairs. Once we reached the top I pulled his face down to mine. I heard the door to my bedroom open and I left his lips to trail
kisses down his neck. He set me down on the bed, but pulled my face back to his, devouring my lips in a way that made me believe the world was ending and this was last chance he had.

My fingers found the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up.
His own hands met me halfway and finished the job, yanking his shirt over his head and tossing it to the side. My gaze moved over his torso, marveling in the perfectly sculpted muscles on his hard chest. His arms were covered in ink,
from his wrists to his shoulders. There were a few tattoos over his chest, but I couldn't make them out in the dim lighting of my room. My eyes continued their trail up to his face until his eyes connected with mine. They were dark with
controlled hunger and desire.

He leaned over me, pulling my shirt over my head as he moved, until I was lying on the bed. His hands grasped my neck and gently trailed down, over my shoulders, down my arms, and hugging the curve of my
waist. I arched into his touch and my lips are his again.

Besides discarded shirts, we were clothed, but that didn't stop the magnifying connection between us. Every time he moved over me or shifted his weight to kiss at a different angle or in a different location, my
head threw back and my eyes fluttered close. His bare touch created waves of frantic electricity jolting throughout my body.

His lips were at my ear, he nipped at my earlobe with his
teeth and I let out a gasp that ricocheted between us. Ben pulled back, his chest separated from mine, so that he could stare down at me. My eyes flashed open to find him gazing down at me with intense need that made my toes curl and my hands dig into the flesh on his back. My chest ached in loss of the connection.
I wanted him back on top of me. I wanted him to show me how much he needed me.

He held his ground, staring down at me like I was the key to his existence. He could sense my frustration and I began to realize he was
holding it against me.

"Ben," I whined.

"Shh," his finger touched my bottom lip to silence me before it slowly trailed over the lines of my lips. I shuddered under his
touch and his smile grew. "I love your lips. They're perfect."

"You should taste them. I hear they're quite nice this time of year."

He laughed. His hand scooped behind my neck and urged me up.
I complied until I was on my knees in front of him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his face down to mine, igniting the fire I so desperately needed. His hands roamed over my waist, my stomach, one of them cupped my
breast and I let out a breathy moan into his mouth. He pulled me into his lap without breaking the connection of our lips. I engulfed myself into his chest and his arms tightened around me; a silent promise that he would never let me go.

We continued to kiss until my movements slowed. The weight
of the world was crushing against me and Ben was the only one holding it up before it could consume me. I was tired, emotionally spent by the past two days. He sensed the energy draining out of my system and he occupied his lips
in other areas. I leaned my forehead into the crook of his neck while he kissed my neck, my shoulder, and even my fingers when he brought my hands up to his lips so that he could gently kiss each one of my knuckles.

"It's okay, Ella," he whispered, "Let it go."

I shook my head without looking at him. I kissed the closest place my lips could find on his chest, above his bicep. "Just hold me
please," I murmured into his chest. His arms wrapped around me until I was crushed against him. His hands ran down the bare skin on my back and I shivered from the combination of his touch and my exposure to the cold.

He suddenly got off the bed, leaving me for a moment, before
pulling me into his arms. He moved over to the side of my bed, threw the covers back, and placed me down on the mattress. He bent to pull off one of my shoes while I tossed the other off to the side.

I looked up, beginning to ask him to stay, but he was gone. Before I could move, the bed sank beside me and I turned to see Ben crawling in the other side. I smiled and rested back against my pillows as he did. We were both turned on our sides, facing each other, saying nothing. His arm snaked
around my waist and pulled me against his chest.

My eyes were heavy with sleep deprivation, but I couldn't fall asleep. I still had to explain myself, for the way I acted. I didn't want
him to think I was a bitch for pushing him away. I was an idiot, but I wanted him to understand why.

I looked up to meet his eyes, like blue fire burning with intensity. "I'm sorry," I told him, reaching up to brush my
fingertips along the line of his jaw. "I used who you are as an excuse to push you away."

He nodded, his eyes falling to my lips. His expression told me he already understood. "I figured it had something to do with your
past. Your brother and father?"

I swallowed, busying myself with tracing the lines of his face. "My mom and dad were only sixteen when they had my brother. A few years later, I came along and the whole parenting thing became too much my dad.
When I was four, he just dropped everything and left. We haven't seen or heard from him since."

I sucked in a deep breath, feeling Ben's eyes on me, attentive and waiting patiently for more. "My brother took his own life
when he was eighteen. I came home early from guitar lessons and found his body." I swallowed. "I can't get rid of the image of my brother on the kitchen floor. All the blood and that gun." Ben's arms tightened
around me when I began to shake. One of his hands ran through my hair. He brushed kisses along the top of my head, my forehead, and anywhere he could reach while he still managed to hold me.

"Eli was an old childhood friend. He lost his brother a
couple months before I lost mine. We reconnected at Noah's funeral. I needed someone and he was there. From that point on we were inseparable. We understood the same pain and we shared it together. We were two tormented kids and somehow
managed a relationship as we got older."

I sucked in a sharp breath. "But then he started hanging out with these guys and he stopped treating me the way he used to. He ignored me whenever he brought me to hang out with them. When we were alone, I
felt like he wanted something from me. He treated me like I was a burden that he had to take care of. We started fighting and it got too much for me. I broke up with him, but I didn't think the break-up would last. I thought he would
come out of whatever phase he was under and come back for me, but he didn't. He chose his new friends over me and let me go."

"I was consumed with Eli for nearly five years. He was everything to me and after our breakup I realized everything my mom stood for
was right. Every guy that comes into my life, leaves. My father, my brother, and Eli."

I yawned and I knew that sleep was threatening to take over, but I tightened my grip on his arms to hold me to the present. "It hit me
last night when you came clean about everything. I knew my feelings for you were far deeper than anything I ever felt for anyone, including Eli. It scared the crap out of me, Ben. I figured if I pushed you away before things got worse
then it wouldn't be as hard when you left."