The Mechanics of Being Human (10 page)

Fawn sat on her bed, staring straight ahead. She hadn't left her room all day, nor did she have the intention to. She didn't do this to be sulky. She didn't even do this because she was angry. She did it because she was scared of wanting to stay alive, or as much as a machine could be alive. That just made the angry monster come back, dark and winding, consuming her heart with bloody, possessive claws. The boring, cream colored walls were a guarantee she was trapped in her own madness, but that was where she belonged.

Just as the ticking on the clock made her want to tear it from the wall so she didn't have to hear the sound anymore, there was a soft knock on her door. She didn't answer. She assumed it was her mom. After a minute, the door clicked open. It was not her mom. It was her dad. He was paler than she could ever remember seeing him and he appeared, if possible, thinner. He wrung his hands as he sat on the bed next to her.

"Fawn, don't do this," her dad said.

Fawn turned toward him. "Stay in my room?"

"You know what I mean. Don't make Jax destroy you. I love you. Delanee loves you." Her dad reached out and grabbed her arm. "Don't you see? You may have come to us because of money, but if you died now, we'd still get to keep it. I want you here because now you truly are my daughter. Delanee has been crying up a storm ever since Jax told her what you decided."

The guilt stung her heart. She reminded herself then that she didn't have a heart. All that made her function was the whirling of machinery. Greasy. Cold. Hard.

"It hurts too much," Fawn whispered. "If you removed the chip from my brain, I'd be nothing but a mindless drone. A vegetable. A nothing."

For a moment, her dad didn't say anything. There were only a handful of moments when her dad reminded her of Jax, but this was one of them. Fiery intensity burned beneath the surface of his eyes, glowing at her. Hot. Intense. Ready to burn her if he didn't have his way. Already she was melting beneath his forceful glare.

"Do you know what happens when one vein breaks inside the human brain?" her dad asked, face unchanging.

"Of course." Fawn was unsure of where he was going. "The person dies. It's called an aneurysm."

"The person dies or goes into a coma. They're a vegetable. An empty life form." Her dad squeezed her arm. "A human blood vessel is a heck of a lot smaller than any microchip and is a lot easier to damage."

Her dad released her arm, stood up, then turned toward the door. Fawn stared after him, trying to put together what he'd just said.

****

The next day, Fawn stared out the window of the living room and gazed down below. On the sidewalk, she saw a familiar man in a dark tuxedo pace in front of the building with a cell phone to his ear. The man sneered as he spoke. Suddenly, his face split into a massive, evil grin. The man stopped and gazed directly at her window. She attempted to conceal herself by ducking behind the wall.

Ark. That was Ark.
She knew it because she'd seen him before. Somewhere. Of course he'd followed her. But it wasn't like it mattered now. After she was destroyed, Ark could never get his hands on her again. Then again, if he managed to capture her before Jax disassembled her…The thought threw her into panic. She never thought the idea of not dying would be what frightened her the most.

With a shudder, Fawn spared a glance out the window again and saw Ark turn away from her. A black town car, the type rich people drove, pulled up to the side of the road and idled. Ark didn't glance up at her window again. Instead he walked over to the car and got inside. The car wheeled out of the lot with a screech as Fawn gave a sigh of relief.

****

After her mom and dad came home from the grocery store, Fawn padded into the living room, wringing her hands. This would be the first time she faced them both together after their arrival at the apartment, but she didn't feel comfortable not telling them she'd seen Ark outside of the building. Even though there were only four days left until she was destroyed, she didn't want to see her parents hurt no matter how angry she was at them.

When her mom saw Fawn approach the table, her mouth formed a big grin and her eyes glistened with hope. Her dad's expression was speculative. When she didn't smile back, her mom stopped beaming and then let out a deep, depressed sigh. She was instantly hit with a tsunami of guilt so strong it had the potential to rip her off of her feet and send her flying into the wall with a thud.

"Mom, I saw Ark today," Fawn said. "He was outside the apartment."

Her dad's mouth dropped open and her mom's eyes bulged from her head as her massive chest heaved with concern.

"Did he come up here?" Her mom turned to scowl at her dad. "I knew we shouldn't have left her all alone, Oliver. Not now. Not like this."

Her dad ignored her mom's prodding and gazed at Fawn in worry and confusion. "And he didn't try to get to you? How odd…But we've been expecting…"

"He just looked at my window, then he got in a car and drove away." Fawn shrugged. "I don't know what he was after."

Silence fell. She turned away from her parents to head back to her room. Though she heard her mom call her name with a heartbroken tone, she didn't turn around to look at her. She knew what she would find—her mom's large, sad eyes gazing straight at her, pleading with her not to leave. She couldn't endure seeing that.

When Fawn went into the kitchen to get a can of oil to drink, she saw her mom standing at the counter. The woman loomed over a cutting board filled with red and yellow bell peppers that she chopped into centimeter long pieces. Her mom's eyes were swollen clams on her face and her cuts were sloppy and inattentive. When the woman met her eyes, she sniffled and then wiped her eyes on the back of her forearm. Fawn bit her bottom lip, but continued on her path to the refrigerator.

"Three more days," her mom said. "Haven't you changed your mind?"

Fawn paused but didn't answer. She figured that was all the response her mom needed. The woman continued to watch her, though like she could force Fawn to change her mind through brain power alone.

"I know you think this is the right thing to do, but…" Her mom paused. "Fawn, do you wonder what it will be like when you're shut off? Doesn't it scare you at all?"

Fawn reached the refrigerator, but as she opened it, she moved slower than normal. She searched through the vegetable drawer, though long lines of oil graced the top shelf in rows like soldiers on a battlefront.

"Do you wonder whether you'll go to heaven, or whether it will be pure blackness?" Her mom's eyes burned holes into her back.

The words made her heart drop like a rock. Darkness, she imagined, was what her end would be, regardless of whatever belief system her mom and dad had. Bleak blackness as far as the eye could see. Machines couldn't have souls. They were just inanimate objects. She was created by man and not by nature or whoever else was out there. But the idea her mom placed in her head did what it was likely intended to do—it made her afraid of the end.

Fawn finally grabbed her can of oil and slammed the door of the refrigerator shut.

"Fawn, you don't have to face that fate. Not now." Her mom reached for her arm. "Don't you understand? We love you. It doesn't matter what you are."

She accidentally squeezed her fist too tightly around her can of oil, and the top popped underneath the pressure and dark liquid splattered the previously immaculate white kitchen. The oil oozed down her face and dampened her hair. Some of it was even on her mom's rose colored t-shirt. Her mom stared at her wide-eyed with shock, though she didn't move to wipe at the dark stains on her clothes.

"Can I have the paper towels behind you?" Fawn stuck out her hand, refusing to address the previous questions.

"Fawn." Her mom didn't move to give her the paper towels. "Please. Just listen."

"I can't." Fawn gripped her head. "The last time I listened, I got all messed up. It's my fault for probing. It hurts, and I'm
tired
of hurting."

Her mom's eyes flashed. For the first time, Fawn saw genuine, intense anger in her eyes.

"Then you're taking the easy way out." Her mom's fists balled at her sides. "Do you think humans don't have times they want to end it? We all do. And you're the same. You're hurting, so you're using the fact you're a machine to protect yourself from feeling even more pain. The truth of the matter is it's the coward's way out, both for humans and for you."

If her mom pulled out a gun and pointed it to her head, it wouldn't have shocked Fawn as much as her words did. The bullet likely wouldn't have hurt as much either.

"That isn't true," Fawn whispered.

"It is true!" Her mom's eyes flashed. "When I was a little girl, I walked in on my dad cheating with the neighbor. I remember telling my mom and watching her die inside. I wanted to end it then because that would have been easier than facing the pain of what I knew. After Oliver started gambling and lost everything, I got so angry with him. The two of us fought so much all the time we almost got a divorce. The idea of facing that made me want to end it too. And that's exactly what you're doing. You heard something that hurt you, so now you're running away. But you can't—and shouldn't—do that."

"Stop it." Fawn shivered. "It's
different
."

"No, it isn't. Our feelings are the same. Yours emotions may be caused by a chip, but who cares as long as you're feeling them?" Her mom advanced on Fawn and shook her shoulders until her teeth clacked together. "You shouldn't end it because you don't know what will come in the future. My mom divorced my dad. After the heartache, she met a man who treated her one hundred times better than my dad ever did. She is so much happier now than she ever was with him. After all of my and Oliver's fighting, instead of getting divorced, we ended up finally sitting down and talking about everything. I learned so much about him I didn't know before, and vice versa. We actually opened our hearts to each other. There was a point to our suffering. I couldn't see why at the time, but when the clouds cleared, there was
always
a reason."

Fawn was drowning. "But I'm a machine!"

"Don't use that as an excuse," her mom said, but her voice softened. "Don't give up just because you have the option."

Her mom stepped forward, arms wide to embrace her, and Fawn could not take anymore. Her heart ached She knew she couldn't be hugged. Not now. With a cry of despair, she sprinted toward the door. She heard her mom yell, "Fawn!" but she didn't turn around. Instead she darted into the hallway and kept running. It felt as though she could have run forever. It didn't matter if Ark was after her. Right now she had an even deadlier opponent—herself.

****

Fawn ended up on the same bench she'd sat on the first day at the apartment. So much had changed since then. She kept turning the last couple of days over in her mind. Her parents' words were on constant replay. They echoed, filling every last crevice of her mind. Was she truly being a coward? It was just there were so many things that could go wrong now. Gavin wouldn't want her when he found out what she was. Sure, she could hide it from him, but that would make her feel too guilty. She could never handle it. And she loved his friends. Being around people when she couldn't reveal what she truly was felt like betrayal. Real people who cared about each other didn't betray one another.

There was another glaring question. Was she ready to face nothingness? She was certain there was no heaven for her. Without her microchips, she was an empty shell. Before speaking to her mom, she'd always thought of the end as not feeling pain anymore, but was she ready to get rid of all of the good she saw around her to experience numbness? The idea hit her harder than a fist.

She, still unable to answer any of the questions, glanced over her shoulder at the apartment building. She knew she had to go back and face what she ran from. Her mom was right about one thing—she was hiding from her family, her emotions, and from Gavin. Slowly, she climbed to her feet and then trudged toward the building.

After Fawn opened the door, she went up the stairs to her apartment. She'd been too upset to bring her key, so she tried the knob to see if it was unlocked. Surprisingly, it was. Normally, her dad was pretty strong willed about making sure the door was locked at all times. Maybe he'd heard Fawn's fight with her mom and was too upset to check.

Fawn pushed open the door and stepped into the apartment. After she reached the kitchen, she stilled. Her mom and dad stood, pale faced, with Gavin at their side. Gavin held a dirty piece of paper in his hands. Eyes were red. Something was wrong.

"M, Mom?" Fawn whispered.

Gavin trembled when he saw her and stepped forward to hug her. He must have thought better of it because he lowered his arms.

"Fawn, it's Zelda. The man who was after you took her. He left an envelope in front of your door with your name on it,” Gavin said. “I wasn't paying attention and stepped on it and the note came out. When I opened it..."

In horror, she gasped. This was all her fault. Zelda had been taken because of her. That was why Ark showed up at her apartment but did not come upstairs. He'd had something else besides attacking head on in mind. He'd planned to hurt her new friends.

"Can I see the note?" Fawn whispered.

With a nod, Gavin passed the piece of paper to her.

Come to Fosters Hill Park at two o'clock AM. Come alone. Your friend will be there. I will trade her for you.

Every part of her ached. No way was she going to let Zelda remain with a man like that. He could kill her. She would go to Ark, no matter what it meant. Her determination was matched only by her boiling blood.

"I'm going." Fawn lowered the note to the table. "I dragged you and your friends into my mess. If I just listened to my parents and told no one, then this wouldn't have happened. Now Ark has Zelda and I…and I…"

"This is our fault as much as yours," her dad said. "There are so many things we could have done differently when it came to you. We're going to help you too. Jax is going to want in on this. I know he won't stand for another person hurting somebody he loves."

Fawn imagined Ark murdering both of her parents and Jax. Their corpses lay, bloodied, on the grass as she was forced to watch. She shook her head as her stomach ached, trying to make the image fall from her head so she would never have to see it again.

"But the letter says to go alone." Fawn's jaw tightened. "I think we all know you have more to lose than I do."

"I'm not going to let you get hurt," her mom said.

Fawn opened her mouth to speak, but her dad cut her off. "Even if you don't want us to help because we love you, at least let us help so those men don't find out how to make an army of drones. That's exactly what they want."

She imagined the horrors of what her dad spoke of. Blank-faced figures—all identical in appearance to her—spanned a field. They were everywhere. She didn't have trouble believing an evil group of men would want their soldiers unfeeling. They would create cold monsters, not what Jax wanted. The idea was crushing. Finally, she nodded.

"And me too." Gavin's fists clenched. "She's my friend, and Fawn…"

Fawn glanced up at him.

"I don't know what's going on with us lately. Your parents told me you needed space, which I understand, but…" Gavin bit his bottom lip, then cried, "I like you. I'll always like you. I don't want to let you get hurt."

"No, Gavin." Her dad frowned at him. "We're adults. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but this is for us to handle."

"I care about her just as much as you do." Gavin glowered, hands clenched at his sides. "I should be able to help. Right, Fawn?"

The words touched her, but her heart ached at the same time. He didn't know who she was. And even if it made her feel as though she was about to fall into thousands of tiny little pieces where she stood, she wanted to tell him the truth. It would drive him away from her for good. That would kill her inside and out, but if it kept him from getting involved with dangerous people, then so be it.

Fawn looked at her parents. "I want to tell him. I think it's for the best. I don't think he'll tell anyone."

"Tell me what?" Blue eyes widened as Gavin glanced from face to face, question unanswered.

Her dad's eyes softened. "Are you sure? You know what will happen."

"I know." Fawn faced Gavin. "Gavin, let's go to my bedroom. To talk."

With an uncertain expression, Gavin nodded.

****

In the quiet, enclosed space of her room, Fawn felt the immense pull of attraction to Gavin. It was so intense she was frightened of it. What kind of chip did Jax created so that she could feel such a pull The fact he'd planned it, given her attraction when she could never fully have a relationship with another person, made her want to beat him up all over again. But that didn't matter. What mattered was it was her and Gavin now.

Shakily, Fawn shut her eyes and inhaled Gavin's smell one last time. He wore that same old cologne, but this time he added something new. Woodsy. When she opened her eyes, she gazed into his blue irises and wished that instead of being torn apart, she could just fall into his eyes and drown. That at least would allow her some sort of happy ending.

"Fawn?" Gavin whispered, his eyes wide with concern. "What is it you have to tell me?"

"Before I say anything, can I do something?" Fawn asked.

Gavin nodded.

Though Fawn knew it was wrong, she wanted to kiss Gavin just one more time. She wanted to feel his lips on her own. Maybe it wouldn't be the same as before with what she knew, but she wanted it.

Fawn stepped forward, wrapped her hands around Gavin's neck, then tangled her fingers in his wild golden head of hair. The strands were silky beneath her fingers. She tilted her head and pressed her lips to his. He sighed against her, then pulled her so close they were chest to chest. His sweet breath permeated her nostrils. It was sweet, like the pies her mom sometimes baked. The old electricity was back, vibrating through her and filling her up like warmed oil. Her skull tingled. She wanted to stay entangled in Gavin for forever.

Zelda's wide-eyed face filled her mind. A dark shadow hovered behind her. It was Ark. "Help me! Help me, please!" imaginary Zelda screamed. Fawn gasped against Gavin's lips, then pulled away from him. He still held her hands in his own. His blue eyes stormed with concern, a sky being covered with clouds.
It's over now. All over. I have to tell him, and I know he'll leave because who would stay?

Telling Gavin was so hard it was like trying to give birth to a baby out of her mouth. She choked on her own words several times before she finally sputtered, "I, I'm a robot, Gavin. I'm not a human. I'm the invention Jax made."

He stared at her. "What? That's not funny. Zelda is hurt. This isn't the time to tell jokes."

"No. Gavin, I'm telling the truth." Fawn bit her bottom lip. She should have known it would be hard for him to believe. "I'm an invention. I'm Jax's invention. He made me."

Gavin shook his head violently, his mouth hanging open. "That's impossible. Our technology isn't that advanced. And you're…you're…
you
, Fawn."

"Yeah, well,
me
isn't exactly what I thought." Fawn gave a cold laugh. "That's why you can't come with us today. You don't know what you're up against. I'll rescue Zelda. Don't you worry."

"I don't believe you," Gavin said defiantly. "Tell me what this is really about. You're hiding something else, aren't you? Did somebody do something to you?"

With a shudder, she caught sight of her own image in the mirror hanging above her bed. Her pale face, green eyes, and blonde hair reflected back at her. So human. So real. It was hard to believe Jax had been able to manufacture such a face and even added some human flaws—a mole over her right brow, lips too big for her small face, and ears that stuck out just a little too much. She knew there was one way to show Gavin what she was and prove her words to him. She'd seen Jax re-fix the flesh on her hand just by pressing it together. It would be just as easy for her to rip at her own skin, then re-apply it like the world's sickest makeup.

"Gavin, I'm telling the truth," Fawn whispered.

She reached up and dug her fingernails into the upper right hand side of her face. Pain shot through her and she almost cried out as she tore her skin away halfway down the middle. The left side of her face was human, the right side robot. Her skin dangled where her chin met neck. Despite the way her face felt as though it was on fire, being without flesh was natural.

She turned her gaze on Gavin, shivering. He yelled in fear and tripped on his own feet. As he sat on the floor, he stared up at her in wide-eyed horror. At that moment, he could have been looking at a mutant sea monster with how his face contorted. Though she'd predicted this, it still hurt to see his once kind eyes now gazing at her with disgust.

"Gavin," she said. It felt odd to speak with the right side of her face changed.

When she reached for him, he smacked her hand away. He leapt to his feet, shaking. After a minute of deep breathing and relentless shaking, he swore and then sprinted toward the door, disappearing from her sight. One of her parents must have made a grab for him, because Gavin yelled, "Don't touch me!" The front door banged shut.

For a second she didn't move. Gavin reacted just as she thought he would, but a big part of her hoped he would be different. She was angry at Jax for giving her the ability to feel hope. Hope could be wonderful, but it could kill too. If it wasn't for hope, then she wouldn't feel like she'd been crushed beneath a car right now.

Shuddering, she looked into the mirror, seeking out her own monstrous reflection. A distant face stared back at her, so different from what she'd seen moments before. The torn away flesh revealed a silver metal mask. Her mouth was metal and chunky, which explained why her lips appeared to be so big. A bulging, staring eye with fake eyelashes stared out at her, the only part of her that remained human. The skin flap hung low enough to reveal a rounded chin.

She was so repulsed by what she saw she let out a cry of disgust. It was no question why Gavin fled from her. She wanted to run from herself too, but she couldn't. She was who she was. The idea made her so angry she drew back her hand and shattered the glass mirror. The shards fell to the ground into thousands of miniscule pieces, but unfortunately, that only made her plight worse. Now she could see thousands of versions of herself, glaring up at her, revealing the part of her that she so much wanted to hide.

When Fawn fell to her knees and cried out, her mom and dad burst into the room. She gazed up at them and both stilled. She could see the horror on their faces too. Unlike Gavin, her mom gulped and didn't run away. She held out her arms to her, beckoning her into them. Though she knew she should not have sought out comfort because it would only give her a reason to remain, she leapt to her feet and lunged into her mom's arms.

"I'm a monster. A monster." Fawn cried. "Look at my face. What has Jax done? Why did he make me?"

"You aren't a monster, Fawn." Her mom gently ran her hands through her hair. "Give it time, baby. He'll come back. He was just shocked, just like you were."

"He won't come back to me." Fawn buried her face in her mom's shoulder, and though her metal face mask met flesh, her mom didn't flinch away. "I wouldn't."