The Mince Pie Mix-Up (13 page)

Calvin sniggered. He couldn’t help it. If only they knew! Transvestite indeed. It went far deeper than that: he was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

The corners of Laura’s lips twitched into a brief smile. She’d been dreading having this conversation with her best friend but she seemed to be taking it far better than anticipated.

‘So who’s been spreading these rumours?’ Calvin asked. ‘Let me guess.’ He flicked his head towards Abby Frost, who was holding court in front of the main entrance of the school.

‘She’s telling
everyone
.’ Laura did a bit more hand-wringing. ‘I told her it wasn’t true. It isn’t true, is it?’ Laura had been sure the rumours were unfounded but after Judy’s reaction to the news she wasn’t quite sure.

‘It’s bullshit,’ Calvin said, making Laura flinch from the unexpected expletive. Judy wasn’t prone to swearing – not even when she was seriously stressed out – but Laura soon recovered, nodding vigorously.

‘That’s what I thought but she wouldn’t listen.’

‘She’ll listen to me.’ Calvin marched towards Abby, with Laura scuttling behind him. Abby obviously didn’t see their approach as she galloped on with her gossip.

‘I always knew there was something not quite right about Calvin Neil. Do you know he flirted
outrageously
with me during the last parents’ evening? My hubby was ready for decking him. It’s Judy I feel sorry for.’

‘You don’t need to feel sorry for me.’ Calvin stepped into the semicircle of gossip and marched up to Abby. A wall of perfume fumes almost knocked him over but he just about managed to keep upright. ‘You and I both know that your claims are horseshit. Calvin wasn’t even at the last parents’ evening.’

Calvin had pretended to be working late to swerve the parents’ evening and had instead gone for a pint with the lads. He had better things to do than sit in a sweaty hall pretending to be interested in Charlie’s finger paintings. They all looked the same to him. Besides, he’d done all that with Scott and there really wasn’t any need to repeat the process.

‘Maybe it was the parents’ evening before that,’ Abby said with a flick of her black mane.

Calvin shook his head. ‘He wasn’t at that one either.’ Calvin held up a finger as Abby opened her mouth to speak. ‘Let me save you the bother.
Calvin has never, ever been to one of Charlie’s parents’ evenings
. He’s never been to any of her school plays or assemblies.’ Calvin pointed at the main entrance. ‘He’s never stepped through those doors since she started here.’

Wow. That made him sound pretty bad.

Poor Charlie.

‘Maybe I was mistaken about that,’ Abby conceded while somehow giving off the air that she was still in the right. ‘But he
does
wear women’s clothes. Charlie said so. I heard it with my own ears.’ Abby beamed triumphantly at her audience.

‘So your informant is a six-year-old?’ Calvin laughed. ‘Do you believe everything six-year-olds say?’

‘Well …’ Abby gave a shrug of her shoulders. ‘I happen to believe her.’

‘Charlie also thinks there are fairies at the bottom of our garden who bake pink cupcakes with purple sprinkles. I suppose you believe that as well?’

Abby narrowed her eyes. ‘No.’

‘She also believes in Santa and the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny.’

Abby’s eyes widened as she looked around to make sure no small ears were listening in. ‘
Ssh!
’

‘But you believe in those too, right?’

Abby rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’

‘But
Charlie
says it’s true.’ Calvin waited for a response but none was forthcoming. ‘Well, that’s my point proven.’ For once, Calvin was grateful for Judy’s mane of hair as he flicked it over his shoulder before striding out of the gossipy semicircle.

‘You were great!’ Laura giggled and squeezed Calvin’s arm while doing a little hoppy dance on the spot. ‘It’s about time somebody stood up to her.’

Calvin performed a bow. ‘It’s all part of the service, ma’am.’

Laura stopped giggling but the smile remained on her face. ‘There’s something different about you, Judy. In a good way, of course. You seem more … confident.’ And a little bit potty-mouthed, but the new-found confidence far outweighed that. ‘What’s your secret?’

‘I don’t have any secrets,’ Calvin said and thankfully the whistle blew and prevented any further interrogation. The children converged in their lines in front of the main doors and, while Laura kissed her son before rushing off to work, Calvin hung back to have a quick word with Miss Daniels about Charlie’s missing homework.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ Miss Daniels said with a wave of her hand. ‘Tomorrow will be fine.’ Calvin was about to head off to work when Miss Daniels called him back. ‘You haven’t forgotten about the PTA meeting tonight, have you?’

‘Of course not. It’s on the calendar.’ Apparently.

Enid was placing a plate of raspberry jam on toast in front of Norman Greene when Calvin stepped into the Green Teapot. Having learned his lesson the day before, he’d already dropped off his mince pies before school that morning.

‘Wow, what a tasty sight first thing in the morning.’ Norman winked at Calvin before he picked up a slice of toast and bit into it.

‘You’re looking very glam this morning, Judy,’ Mrs Freeman said. ‘If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought you were off out on a date.’

‘I’ll take you out, if you want.’ Norman dropped his toast onto his plate and brushed the crumbs from his fingers. ‘What do you kids do for fun these days? We used to go to the dance at the village hall every Wednesday evening. Shall we have a turn?’ Norman hopped out of his chair, quite sprightly for an eighty-odd-year-old, grabbing Calvin around the waist and twirling him around the tea room. Calvin managed to wriggle free, spurred on by the feel of bony fingers on his bottom.

‘That’s enough, Norman. I haven’t even taken my coat off yet.’ Calvin escaped to the kitchen while Norman returned to his jam on toast. Calvin observed himself in the mirror above the sink as he washed his hands. Yes, Judy’s make-up was rather overdone for a weekday morning but there was nothing wrong with injecting a bit of glitz into a cold Tuesday morning, was there?

Slipping on an apron, Calvin got to work, knocking out yet another batch of mince pies after a particularly hectic mid-morning rush. The local OAPs’ life-painting class and the library’s job club had both decided to take a festive break at the same time, reducing the mince pie supply to meagre levels. Calvin no longer needed the help of Judy’s recipe and figured he could probably bake mince pies in his sleep by now.

He was exhausted by the time he finished work for the day, but he had no time to rest. Shoving a load of washing on, including Scott’s muddy PE kit, Calvin hooked Miller onto his lead and took him for a quick walk, just in case the dog was contemplating having another dump on the kitchen floor. Then it was time to dash to school to pick Charlie up, shove the washing in the dryer and fit in half an hour of sewing before making a start on tea. The nativity costumes were due to be delivered to Miss Daniels in the morning so the children could have a full dress rehearsal before their performance on Thursday so Calvin had to finish them tonight.

Calvin had a look at the calendar in the kitchen and groaned. Not only did he have a PTA meeting tonight, Charlie also needed dropping off at the church hall for Rainbows. Why did he have to be such a git and leave everything to Judy? It had well and truly bit him on the arse now.

Judy still hadn’t arrived home by six, when it was time for Calvin to attend the PTA meeting, and he had to drop Charlie off at Rainbows on the way. He dashed off a quick text to Judy, letting her know that her tea was in the oven. He didn’t think to ask in the text what actually happened at the PTA meetings or what was expected of him. This only occurred to him as he was stepping through the main entrance of the school and realised he didn’t have a clue where he was supposed to go. He had a quick look around the corridor but there were no signs pointing him in the right direction.

He was going to have to ask.

‘Excuse me.’ He leapt at a young teacher as she scuttled along the corridor. ‘I’m looking for the PTA meeting.’

‘Didn’t anybody tell you?’ The teacher rolled her eyes. ‘It’s been moved this evening. The heating in the hall’s been a bit temperamental so Mrs Ephron thought it might be a bit cosier in the staff room. Follow me.’

Calvin followed the teacher into the inner sanctum of Perrin Street Primary. The staff room was small, packed with squishy, square-cushioned chairs, which were occupied by the rest of the PTA committee. Miss Daniels and Mrs Ephron were busy in the tiny kitchen area while the half dozen or so parents sat around a low coffee table.

‘She was seen running around the village in her
pyjamas
this morning,’ Abby Frost was saying when Calvin arrived. She quickly clamped her mouth shut and smiled sweetly at him. ‘Hello, Judy. We didn’t think you were coming.’

‘I had to drop Charlie off at Rainbows first.’ Calvin sat down as far away from Abby as he could. Why hadn’t Judy warned him
she’d
be here?

‘Tabitha’s at Rainbows,’ Abby said. ‘And I was here on time.’

Calvin rifled through Judy’s handbag but shook his head sadly at Abby when he couldn’t locate what he was looking for. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t seem to have a perfect parent badge to give you.’

There were a couple of stifled sniggers as Mrs Ephron joined them with a tray packed with teas, coffees and a plate heaving with biscuits.

‘Good evening, ladies. I hope you don’t mind meeting in here today. It’s a bit small but I’m sure you understand.’ Mrs Ephron sat down with Miss Daniels and the teacher who had acted as Calvin’s guide. She had an open notebook on her lap and a pen poised to jot down notes from the meeting.

‘The heating will be fixed in time for the nativity play, won’t it?’ Abby asked. ‘Only my Tabitha is so looking forward to playing Mary and she’d be devastated if it was cancelled.’

‘Nothing is being cancelled, Mrs Frost,’ Mrs Ephron assured her. ‘We’ve got maintenance having a look at it right now.’ She picked up a cup of tea and took a sip before addressing the list on her lap. ‘Shall we start? The first item on tonight’s agenda is the nativity play.’ Mrs Ephron looked up to smile at Abby. ‘We need a few volunteers to keep things running smoothly. Judy, I know you’ve been a great help with the costumes but would you mind running the refreshment table?’

‘I’ll do it!’ Abby thrust her arm in the air while giving Calvin a snide sideways glance.

‘No, it’s fine.’ Calvin didn’t particularly
want
to run the refreshment table but he’d do anything to get Abby’s back up. ‘I’m happy to help.’

‘Oh.’ Mrs Ephron looked from Abby to Calvin before dropping her gaze down to her agenda. ‘Why don’t we split the task? One of you can man the station
before
the performance and the other
after
. How does that sound?’

Abby thrust her arm in the air again. ‘I’ll go first!’

‘Okay.’ Mrs Ephron made a note and moved on to the next task of selling raffle tickets on the door. ‘The next agenda item is the Christmas fair, which I know we are all looking forward to.’ Mrs Ephron gave a twinkly laugh. ‘Most of the stalls have been taken care of but we need to sort out the bake sale stall. The school cook usually takes care of the baking but she broke her wrist while on the sauce at the weekend – which you didn’t hear from me – so that won’t be possible this time.’

Abby almost leapt out of her seat as she thrust her arm in the air once more. ‘I’ll do it!’

‘Good. Thank you, Mrs Frost.’ Mrs Ephron ticked the item off the list while Abby sneered across at Calvin.

‘I know this gorgeous little bakery over in Woodgate,’ Abby told the group. ‘Their red velvet cupcakes are
to die for
. My friend hired them for her summer garden party last year and the cakes were
amazing
.’

Mrs Ephron paused, her pen poised over the next item on the agenda. ‘You’re not going to bake them yourself? It’s just we have a tradition here at Perrin Street Primary to sell only handmade gifts and products at the Christmas fair.’

‘Oh.’ Abby sank back down into her seat. ‘You see, I’m no good at actually baking. But nobody would know, would they?’

Mrs Ephron shook her head. ‘No, I’m sorry. That just won’t do.’ She turned to Calvin and adopted her best persuasive look. ‘Mrs Neil, you work over at the village tea room, don’t you? And I hear you help out with the baking.’

‘That’s right,’ Calvin replied quietly. What was he getting himself into?

‘It would be simply wonderful if you could help out.’ Mrs Ephron’s lips spread out into an angelic smile, the kind she usually reserved for the school governors.

‘No!’ Abby cried. ‘
I
want to do the bake sale stall!’ She stamped the heel of her designer boot on the floor to emphasise her point.

‘Then that’s settled.’ Mrs Ephron made another note. ‘Mrs Neil, you’ll bake the cakes. Mrs Frost, you’ll sell them on the day.’

Abby’s mouth dropped open. ‘I have to sell
her
cakes?’ But Mrs Ephron had already moved on to the matter of posters and who would be able to post them around the village.

‘Thank you all for coming,’ Mrs Ephron said as the meeting came to a close. Calvin grabbed his coat and handbag and fled the building before he was tasked with anything else. Rushing across the village, he picked Charlie up from Rainbows before returning home to deliver the bad news that Judy would have to teach him how to bake more than mince pies. But he didn’t get the chance to utter a word as Judy gasped at the sight of him.

‘Have you been walking around like that all day?’ Her face crumpled from one of shock to mortification. ‘Calvin, you’ve made me look like a
hooker
.’

Chapter Fifteen:
Man Trouble

The temperature had dropped dramatically overnight, causing the windscreen of the car to be even more obscured by ice. It took the car engine running for twenty minutes, an ice scraper and every single ounce of Judy’s patience to clear it enough to drive safely. With the extra time taken to de-ice the car as well as giving Calvin another, more extensive make-up lesson, Judy arrived at the B&R Marketing office late and cranky and in dire need of coffee. What she got instead was a lecture and spittle-shower from Perry.