The Mind Connection: How the Thoughts You Choose Affect Your Mood, Behavior, and Decisions (12 page)

• You can be quick to see all the problems and magnify them, or you can make a choice to minimize the impact of difficulty by looking for the beauty, the good in life, and the good in people.

• Jesus is greater than any storm you will ever face.

• Your attitude can make a problem harder to deal with or easier—the choice is up to you.

• The best way to change your mood is to change your perspective.

• Trust requires that we may always have some unanswered questions.

We spend much more time focusing on what people might be thinking about us than we do realizing what we are thinking about them. This is an arena of thought that is so important but often overlooked.

Have you ever met anyone you immediately disliked? We all have, but how could we honestly dislike someone that we barely know, or perhaps don’t know at all? It is because we have let an attitude or a mind-set affect our feelings and opinions without even examining where the thought came from or why we have it. An insecure woman could meet a very beautiful woman and feel a dislike for her simply because she feels threatened by her good looks. It is important that we get to the root of these problems because God’s Word teaches us not to judge at a glance, or superficially.

This will be easy for me to write on because it is a problem I have had in my life. I make very quick decisions, and that can be
a problem when it comes to relationships. I spent many years not even examining why I didn’t like some people; I just didn’t and that was that. The sad thing is that they usually feel our dislike or rejection. If we don’t reveal it in what we say, we do with voice tones, facial expressions, or body language. I will even go so far as to say that I believe people can feel the impact of our thoughts even though they don’t know exactly what we are thinking.

I frequently tell the story of a woman who wrote to me telling me how she had a plant in her home that was not very attractive and each time she walked by it, she thought,
This is really an ugly plant
. It looked worse and worse as the days went by and it finally died. After hearing my teaching on the power of thoughts, she remembered the plant and thought perhaps she had influenced it in some way.

Some people say there is no scientific research to support such an idea, but many others who spend time in their gardens do talk to their plants. England’s Prince Charles stated in 1986 that he went to his garden each day and talked to his plants. He obviously had plenty of people to talk to, so he surely wasn’t doing it because he was lonely. He said if you talk to your plants they will respond and that it is important to talk to them. The theory that talking to plants makes them healthy dates back to 1848. Books have been written on the subject, and a music album was recorded for plants, based on the thought that the music would help them grow and be healthy.
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As the woman who sent me the letter considered how her negative thoughts about the plant influenced her, she realized that she regularly thought negative thoughts about her mother-in-law, who rarely called her—and she had no kind words for her even when she did. She decided to do an experiment, so she purposely began thinking kind thoughts about her mother-in-law. Only a
few days went by and she received a phone call from her, during which she actually was more friendly than usual and began doling out compliments over the course of time. The end of the story is that they became good friends!

Many years ago, I was with one of my daughters, who was a teenager at the time. Her hair looked quite strange that day (in my opinion), and she had some acne on her face that she had tried too hard to hide with makeup. The excessive makeup only called attention to the problem she was trying to hide. As we spent the day together, I must admit that each time I looked at her I thought,
You sure don’t look good today—your hair is a mess and you have way too much makeup on
. As the day went by, I noticed that she appeared to be getting depressed. I ask her what was wrong and she said, “I just feel really ugly today!” It took God only about one millisecond to tell me it was my fault. Ouch! But He was right, as He always is, and it was a lesson on the power of thoughts that I will never forget.

I am not saying that people can read our minds, but I do think that somehow our thoughts, good or bad, have an impact on those around us. They certainly show on our face, in our body language, and in our behavior toward people. Be more careful of the thoughts you think about people when you are with them and when you are not. Why? Because thoughts prepare us for action. Where the mind goes, the man follows! It is impossible for me to think evil thoughts about someone when I am not with them and then be kind and friendly when I see them. I might fake it, but any astute person would realize something wasn’t right even if they didn’t know what it was.

If we take time to get to know people a little more intimately, we may like them more. There are lots of reasons why we decide too quickly that we don’t like someone, but none of them are valid. Perhaps they have a personality type that we don’t enjoy, or they may have a personality that reminds us of someone who has hurt us in the past. We may make decisions about them based on the way they look, their hairstyle, or the automobile they drive, or how they are dressed. It took me a few years to realize that I rejected people who reminded me of my father. He was gruff, negative, and generally unfriendly, so I preferred people who had none of those traits, even though I was that way myself. If Dave had not looked beyond my exterior, we would have never even had a first date.

The first time Dave saw me, I was washing my mother’s car in front of our house, and he was picking up a neighbor to give him a ride somewhere. He decided to flirt with me and said, “Hey, when you are finished washing that car, would you like to wash mine?” I replied very firmly, and with a matter-of-fact tone of voice, “If you want your car washed, wash it yourself!” However, my rough exterior did not dissuade Dave. He has often shared that it intrigued him, and he decided on the spot that I was the girl for him. All I can say is that he definitely had mastered the ability to believe the best of people. Soon after that encounter, he asked me for a date, and after five dates, he asked me to marry him (he was a fast worker)! I often say that God led him to marry me before he had time to discover how many problems I had that he would have to patiently help me work through over the next few years. We have been married since 1967, but if he had judged
superficially, or at a glance, we would have missed a wonderful opportunity to serve God together.

I wonder how many women want to get married, but they reject man after man because those men don’t fit into the preconceived idea women carry of “Mr. Right.” I also wonder how many men want to marry, but reject every woman they are not immediately attracted to. There is a lot more to everyone than meets the eye. Everyone has a story, and if we would take time to know people better, we would see them differently than we might otherwise.

Let’s say that Sally had been praying for quite some time that God would lead her to the man she would marry. She was in her late thirties, was lonely, and very much wanted a husband. A friend arranged a date for her with John, but she took one look at him and flatly decided he was
not
the man for her. He was a blue-collar worker, didn’t have a college degree, and besides that, he was no taller than she was and about ten pounds overweight. He wasn’t what she had in mind!

A few weeks later she was introduced to Jack. He was tall and handsome, had graduated from an Ivy League college, and was quickly climbing the ladder of success as an investment broker. Within a few months they were married, but within a year they were divorced. Sally didn’t know that Jack had a violent temper, was manipulative and controlling, and had a gambling problem. She had been so impressed by his superficial qualities that even though she had noticed some of the flaws, she made excuses for all of them and said “I do” for all the wrong reasons.

Sally was brokenhearted, felt like a failure, was more lonely than ever, and extremely discouraged. On a Saturday morning, she was sitting alone at a coffee shop, watching the rain drizzle down, when she looked up and saw John, the man she had quickly rejected because she didn’t like his superficial qualities.
John stopped to say hello, and because he was a sensitive, caring man, he quickly noticed that Sally was hurting emotionally. John began to call her to check up on her. He sent her flowers for no reason other than to cheer her up. He offered her a listening ear, kindness, and understanding. Before long, Sally realized that he was a man of integrity and good character. He used wisdom with money, and although he was not yet forty years old, he owned a new car and a very nice small home, and was debt free. Sally soon fell deeply in love with John, and none of the things that had initially bothered her concerned her at all now. She could have saved herself a divorce, a lot of mental and emotional agony, and a year of misery if she had had the wisdom to get to know people better before accepting or rejecting them.

Is there anyone you have decided you just don’t like and have shut out of your life without ever really taking time to know them? I am sure the answer is yes for most of us. A lot of people complain that they don’t have any friends or that they are lonely, but perhaps they are too quick to decide who they will let into their lives and who they won’t.

That person at work whom you avoid all the time, because you have already decided you don’t like them, could be hurting and in need of your friendship or a listening ear. They could even be the friend you have been asking God to give you, but you will never know if you don’t give them a chance.

I can think of numerous people I have been initially unimpressed with, and now that I am asking myself why, I must admit that I don’t have any good reasons. One is a man I see at a coffee shop fairly regularly. He is an elderly man with very long white hair, and he seems a bit unique. (Of course, I am assuming in my pride that I am the standard for normal.
Ouch!
) One day I thought,
What if this man is an angel?
After all, the Bible does say
that sometimes we are entertaining angels unaware (see Hebrews 13:2). That may be too much of a stretch for some of you, but I am willing to go there in my thinking. Now that I think about it, his long white hair is a bit angelic!

Jesus was rejected by lots of people because He was a unique individual. It is humorous to think that the most religious people of the day, the Pharisees, rejected the Son of God! John the Baptist was certainly unique—he roamed around the desert dressed like a wild man, eating wild locust and honey, and preaching things that people were not accustomed to hearing. Truthfully, many of God’s choice servants are people you and I would have never chosen for the job God assigns them. I think you are getting the point. Lots of amazing people don’t fit into our “thought mold” of what they should be. I want people to give me a chance and take time to get to know the real me, so I have decided that I am going to try harder to do the same thing for them.

Jesus didn’t choose to help or befriend people based on how others perceived them. Everyone was shocked when Jesus went to Zacchaeus’ house, because Zacchaeus was a chief tax collector, and tax collectors were not only hated but were also known for their dishonesty. Why would Jesus do that? Was He purposely trying to ruin His reputation? Truthfully, He did not care what people thought of Him, but I am sure He was very careful what He thought about other people. He gave Zacchaeus a chance, and because He did, Zacchaeus solemnly declared that he would give half of his goods to restore to people what he had dishonestly taken (see Luke 19:1–8). Lots of people would blossom into something better than what they currently are if we would just give them a chance.

Jesus touched lepers, and that was something nobody else did (see Matthew 8). He talked to a needy woman at the well,
and Jewish men did not talk to Samaritan women (see John 4). He traveled with a woman who had previously had seven demons and made her living as a prostitute (see Luke 8). He chose disciples we would have surely rejected as unfit for the job, and He ate with “publicans and sinners” (see Matthew 9:11 KJV). Jesus broke all the rules of the day and gave us a new one: Love one another, just as He loves you (see John 13:34).

In a
Christianity Today
article, Stephen Brown quoted F. B. Meyer when he wrote that there are two things we do not know about other people: First, we do not know how hard he or she tried not to sin. And second, we do not know the power of the forces that assailed him or her.
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One thing I would add is that we also do not know what we would have done in the same circumstances.

What we think about others greatly impacts how we relate to them. Our thoughts about a person affect how we treat them, and how we allow that person to treat us. A person may want to do something kind for us, but if we have already decided that we don’t trust them, we may shut a door of opportunity that God is trying to open.

I read that, in 1884, parents who were grieving the loss of their son decided to establish a memorial to him. They went to Harvard University and met with the president, Charles Eliot. Eliot is purported to have been surprised when the simple, unpretentious people asked about funding a building in their son’s name. He discouraged them from the idea, saying that it would be way too expensive. He assumed they didn’t have the money and
suggested they do something simple and less costly. The couple declined and left without making a donation.

Only a year later, Eliot was informed that the same couple he had dismissed unceremoniously had established a $26 million memorial named Leland Stanford Junior University, known to you and me today as Stanford.
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Eliot missed a great blessing due to making improper assumptions based on first impressions. His unkind thoughts and attitude about the couple cost him more than he could have imagined at the time.

It is very important to see people the way God sees them. First Samuel 16:7 says: “For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” If we are willing, we can learn to think about people the way God thinks about them. We’ll recognize each person as a valuable possibility instead of a potential problem.

To see people the way God sees them, and to think about them the way that God thinks about them, comes with spiritual maturity—it is a by-product of walking in the Spirit rather than walking in the flesh. It is often a sacrifice, because we may not want to take the time to know them more deeply. I realize that we cannot be best friends with everyone we meet, but we can at least stop being rude to people by evaluating them at a glance. There will always be people we can relate to better than others, but that should not be an excuse for having an exclusive attitude. We may all benefit by widening our circle of inclusion.

Our fleshly mind makes judgments about people—right or wrong—based upon first impressions. Within minutes, we form thoughts about a person that can sabotage a relationship before it ever begins.

Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you have no time
to love them.”
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A Roman poet, Phaedrus, said, “Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many.”
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I admit that first impressions are important and we should all try to make a good one, but everyone deserves a second chance.

The problem of judging by first impressions without having all the facts can be a problem even with people who love God and are very serious about serving Him. John Wesley is considered to be a great man of God, and yet even he made this mistake.

One day Wesley scolded a man who gave only a small gift to a worthy charity. After being rebuked, the man explained to Wesley that he wasn’t giving as little as he could; he was giving as much as he could. In fact, the man had been living on only parsnips and water for several weeks.

The poor man went on to tell Wesley that before his conversion, he had run up several bills. Now he was skimping on necessities and refusing any personal luxuries so that he could pay off his creditors one at a time. The man said, “Christ has made me an honest man, and so with all these debts to pay, I can give only a few offerings above my tithe.” He went on to explain to Wesley that he felt compelled to settle his debts in order to show his worldly creditors how the grace of God can change a man’s heart.

John Wesley was convicted and apologized to the man immediately.
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Jesus saw things differently. He noticed a widow putting into the offering two “mites,” as they were called in those days (see Luke 21:1–4). There are various opinions about exactly how much that would amount to in today’s economy, but we know it was a very small amount. Jesus saw more than the amount of money she was giving; He saw that she was giving all she had. Let’s make a commitment to look deeper than the surface appearances of people and situations. Let’s pray before going out into the world
each day that God would help us not to form our thoughts and opinions of people too quickly, lest we shut them out of our lives and miss the opportunity to know the amazing people God has placed in our path.