The Mirror of Her Dreams (105 page)

How many different kinds of pain were there? There was the dull ache where Master Eremis had gripped the back of her neck. There was the grief that seemed to throb in the secret places of her heart. There was the sharp strain around her chest which grew tighter every time Geraden spoke to her in that clenched and bitter tone. There was the belaboured sensation inside her skull, as if her mind had been beaten with clubs.

And somewhere else-somewhere indefinable-there was a new certainty as pure as a knife. It needed a name. Perhaps that was why it hurt so much: because she had no name for it.

Dully, she said, 'At least now we know he and Gart aren't working together.'

'Terisa.'
That word would have sounded like a cry if Geraden hadn't whispered it so softly.

Before she could reply, another voice intervened. 'Don't torture yourself, Geraden,' Castellan Lebbick said from the doorway. Four more guards clattered past him on their way to the wardrobe. 'She isn't worth it.'

She scrambled to her feet so that she wouldn't appear so defeated in front of the Castellan.

Geraden stood with his back to the wall, his arms folded like fetters across his chest. His face looked like a stone mask from which all the joy had been chipped away. Firelight reflected out of his eyes, as dry as fever.

'Save your insults, Castellan,' he rasped quietly. 'We don't need them,'

Castellan Lebbick cocked an eyebrow, 'All right. I'll be civil. You be cooperative. For a change. What happened?'

Geraden seemed to shrink slightly, as if he were being compacted by the pressure of his grip on himself-as if he were squeezing himself down to his essence. 'We were attacked. The High King's Monomach tried to kill her again.'

A grin pulled the Castellan's lips back from his teeth. 'And you're still alive? How did you manage that?'

'Master Eremis saved us. He fought Gart off until the guards came in.'

'Master Eremis? What was
he
doing here?'

Bitterly, Geraden didn't look at Terisa.

With an effort, she met Lebbick's gaze. 'He came to see me.'

'And do you always receive him dressed like that?'

In shame, she bit her lip. Shame was yet another kind of pain. Somehow, she murmured, 'He came when I was asleep.'

The Castellan turned back to Geraden. 'Apparently, Master Eremis was welcome. In that case, what were
you
doing here
?'
I doubt that either one of them invited you.'

'When I arrived,' Geraden said like a piece of the wall where he stood, 'her guards said she was alone. Don't you want to know how he got in? Don't you want to know how Gart got in?'

'Go on. Tell me.'

'Both of them used the secret passage behind her wardrobe.'

At that, Castellan Lebbick drew a hissing breath through his teeth. 'Bollocks! How did they know about it?'

'Saddith and Master Eremis are lovers. In fact, she volunteered to be Terisa's maid to please him. She noticed the chair in the wardrobe and told him about it. I presume he told Gart.'

'Wait a moment. You said Master Eremis saved you. Now you say he is in league with Gart?'

'Where else could Gart find out about the passage?' retorted the Apt. 'Who else knew enough to tell him? There's just me and Terisa. Saddith and Master Eremis. And you, Castellan. Even Artagel doesn't know about it.'

Involuntarily, Terisa remembered that Myste knew.

Clenching his fists on his hips, the Castellan rasped, 'All right. If Gart knew, why didn't he use it to kill her long ago?'

'At first,' Geraden said, 'he didn't know. Saddith told Master Eremis where Terisa was, but she didn't know any more than that. I don't know when she found the passage. And I don't know when he got her to tell him about it. I certainly don't know how busy Gart is. But I think Master Eremis decided he wanted to let her live because he wanted her for himself. He didn't tell Gart about the passage until the Alend army arrived and they both ran out of time.'

Abruptly, Castellan Lebbick turned on Terisa. 'Is this true? Have you been making it worthwhile for Master Eremis to keep you alive when he really wants you dead?'

His tone made her wince. She was starting to understand Geraden's hurt, and his reasons dismayed her. Nevertheless she met the Castellan squarely.

'He did save us.' And her certainty was precise, if only she could put a name to it. 'He said he's going to make Geraden answer for this in front of the Congery.'

She wasn't prepared for the virulence with which Lebbick snarled under his breath, 'Bitch!' Fortunately, he swung back to Geraden too soon to see her flinch.

'I have a few questions myself. I want to know how you suddenly became an expert on what Saddith does or doesn't tell her lovers. And I want to know some of the things you haven't told me yet.

'But as it happens you're not my only problem right now. I have the rest of Orison to worry about. I'll wait until the Congery meets.

'When my men come back from not finding Gart, tell them to report to me.'

Brusquely, Castellan Lebbick strode to the door and left.

Without thinking about what she was doing, Terisa turned towards the fire so that she wouldn't have to look at Geraden. She was afraid to look at him. He was so hurt- And almost everything he believed about her was true. He had saved her from her own weakness. Master Eremis had claimed her-and she had resisted him so little. Even choosing against him, she had been unable to struggle. Shame seemed to demoralize her; she couldn't face the accusation of his pain.

Yet her cowardice disgusted her. He had never let fear prevent him from doing anything for her. At last, she forced herself to turn again and meet his distress.

'Geraden, I-'

He hadn't shifted his stance an inch. Dim grey from the windows and dull red from the hearth lay along the stone lines of his cheeks and jaw, his straight nose, his strong forehead. Not a muscle moved. His hair curled into darkness.

But his eyes were closed.

This was her fault: he was in so much pain because of her. Because he had found her nearly naked with Master Eremis. Because he had seen the Master touch her so intimately. Helplessly, she asked, 'What're we going to do?'

He didn't open his eyes. Perhaps the sight of her was intolerable. When he spoke, he couldn't restrain his voice. It shook as if he were freezing.

'I need to know whose side you're on. You don't have to tell me anything else. You have to make your own choices. I can't tell you who to love. But I'm going to have to stand up in front of the Masters and tell them everything I can think of. They aren't going to want to believe me. I've spent too many years making too many mistakes.

'You're my only witness. You're the only one who can tell them I'm telling the truth. If you're planning to call me a liar-' He couldn't go on.

She wanted to reply at once, but his distress closed her throat. What could she say? Nothing was adequate. He had touched her near the point of her certainty; but she still didn't know what to call it.

Yet she was unable to bear his rigid silence. Somehow, she mustered an answer.

'I didn't invite Master Eremis here. He came while I was asleep. That's why I'm dressed like this. He wanted me to choose between you.'

A muscle twitched in Geraden's cheek, a knot of pain.

'I think he's probably the only man in Orison who has a chance to save Mordant. He has the ability to make things happen.' That was the limit of her honesty. 'But I chose you.'

His eyes popped open. A subtle alteration of the planes and lines of his expression made him appear both astonished and suspicious. His voice continued to shake.

'Your robe was open.'

'He did that. I didn't.'

For a long moment, he remained motionless-and yet, in spite of the fact that he wasn't moving, she seemed to see the entire structure of his face being transfigured, the whole landscape behind his eyes and emotions reforming. He didn't smile: he wasn't ready for that. But the potential for a smile was restored.

Slowly, he unbent his arms from his chest. Slowly, he reached out his hand and stroked her cheek as if to wipe away tears she hadn't shed.

Unable to hold back, she flung her arms around him and hugged him desperately, as if he could cure her shame.

The embrace with which he answered her was as tight and needy as hers, as hungry for solace. And somehow, because he wanted so much from her, he gave her what she needed.

A short time later, nine guards came trooping up out of the passage behind the wardrobe. They had nothing of any use to report.

The grey afternoon wore down towards evening. All around Orison, campfires glimmered against the wind. Tents everywhere formed a ripple of hillocks over the bare ground. Even the siege-engines looked small in this light, at this distance. Wind thudded without remorse at the windowpanes of Terisa's rooms, until the atmosphere felt crowded and bitter, full of threats. Late afternoon brought her an incongruous visitor: the seam-

ster, Mindlin, come to deliver her new clothes. He wanted to give them a second fitting, to be sure that she was satisfied- perhaps he thought her approval would have some value when the siege was over-but she accepted them and sent him away.

For the fourth or fifth time, she said, 'We've got to
do
something.'

Geraden sighed. 'I know the feeling. But I'm not exactly brimming with ideas.'

She needed to put her certainty into words, so that it would be good for something. It would come to her, she told herself, if she stopped pushing it. Or if she pushed it in the right way. Abruptly, she shook off her irresolution.

'You wanted to talk to Artagel, but you didn't get the chance. Why don't you do that now?'

The suggestion surprised him. 'What's that going to accomplish?'

'It might make you feel better.'

'And you think I might not get another chance? You think I might have a little trouble getting my brother to forgive me after I've been tossed in the dungeon for treachery?'

She couldn't suppress a grin. 'I didn't say that.'

'You didn't have to.' In spite of himself, he caught her mood. 'I said it for you.'

'So you did. If you think it's such a terrible idea'-now she was grinning broadly-'I'm afraid I'll have to apologize for bringing it up.'

At once, he waved his hands defensively. 'No, no. Anything but that. I'll do it.' His playfulness faded almost immediately, however. 'Do you want to come with me?'

She shook her head.

'What
are
you going to do?'

Firmly as if she were sure of herself, she said, 'I'm going to make sense out of this. Somehow.'

He spent a moment studying her. Then, in a purposely sententious tone, he said, 'My lady, I've got the strongest feeling you'll succeed.'

'
Oh, get out of here,' she returned, 'before I really do start to apologize.'

Nevertheless she hoped that he was right. As soon as he was gone, she got dressed, putting on her warm new riding clothes and her winter boots because she didn't want to be hampered by her more ladylike gowns. Then she went to see the King.

She had no clear plan in mind. She simply wanted him to intervene on Geraden's behalf.

As she climbed the stairs towards the royal suite, however, she remembered more and more vividly that she had lied to the King the last time she had talked to him. And she still had no idea how he had guessed that she had helped his daughter Myste sneak out of Orison. Before she reached his door, she was tempted to turn back.

The ordeal Geraden had ahead of him determined her to keep going. He needed answers. She needed answers in order to help him. If King Joyse would do nothing else for her-or for the Domne's son-or for Mordant-he might at least supply a few answers. The chance was worth what it might cost her.