The Morning After (27 page)

“Yeah, Ma. I mean, yes, ma'am.” Jerrod suddenly pulled away and turned toward the fireplace. Excitement was the theme of his face. “Coach D, ain't you got something to say? Something to
ask
?”

Jennifer glimpsed at T.K. and wondered why he all of a sudden looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Her body was so sore that moving was limited. Most of the pain was in her upper body; in the area where she'd bumped her head during the fall, and in the spots where the doctors had tried unsuccessfully to insert needles before they could find a vein that was receptive. But in spite of it all, Elaine was thankful.

After Angel left with Essie's blanket folded in her arms, Elaine and Mason had requested that the doctors not allow anymore visitors for the evening. Elaine knew that their friends would understand. As long as they all knew that she was fine, they wouldn't mind having to wait another day to see her. All of them had come earlier anyway; or so Mason told her. She was sorry that she wasn't alert to see all of the love that her forest of flowers proved had been showered on her. According to Dr. Zbornak, she would soon have the chance to tell them all in person just how blessed she felt to be surrounded by such a community of supportive, caring people. But as excited as she was about her pending release, there were more pressing issues on her mind.

“So how long has it been?” she asked, holding Mason's hand in hers.

She could tell by the way her husband twisted in his chair that this was an uncomfortable subject. “I . . . I . . . I really don't know.” He wouldn't look her in the face.

“You don't know, or you just don't want to tell me?”

Mason slipped his hand from her soft grip and leaned back in the chair, but Elaine could see the anguish on his face through the gap in the bed railing. He had been far more talkative when they were discussing her problems.
Her
weight loss,
her
loneliness,
her
fitness obsession,
her
self-esteem issues,
her
battle with bulimia. He didn't mind talking about any of that. Mason had even been open enough to finally validate what Essie said about him wanting Elaine to reclaim some of the weight she'd lost. But when it came to elaborating on his own personal problems, he clammed up.

“I thought we were gonna talk, Mason.” Elaine was trying to be patient, but they'd never get anywhere if he was going to keep shutting her out. And this time she wasn't going to allow him not to talk about it. Essie had made her feel stupid enough for letting it go on this long. Elaine pressed the button to raise the head of her bed so that she was sitting in a slight recline rather than lying flat. She had to be in a position that would prevent her husband from hiding from her. “You're gonna have to be open and honest with me just like I was with you, Mason. Nobody else is in the room. It's just us.”

“I know, babe, I know,” he said. Then after a heaving exhale, he said, “It's been some months.”

That wasn't good enough. Elaine pried further. “How many months?”

“Seven . . . eight . . . I don't know, maybe longer,” Mason answered, rendering her speechless. “At first when it was happening, or
wasn't
happening, I thought it was 'cause I was just so outdone with you that you couldn't do nothing that even remotely enticed me.”

She'd asked him to be honest, but
dang
. It was Elaine's turn to squirm now. His words reminded her of just how much pain her infidelity had inflicted on him. But if they were going to talk this through, she had to be able to take it. “So when did you realize that it wasn't just about me?”

“Real early on,” he admitted. “When we made the decision to stay together and try to work it out, and especially when we rededicated ourselves to God. I knew it wasn't just about you then.” He frowned and looked at the ceiling like he was searching for the right words to say. “This is so hard to explain,” he said. “It was about you in a way, but it really was about me.”

Elaine shook her head. He was going to have to do better than that. All he was doing right now was confusing her even more. He read her body language loud and clear.

“It's like Reverend Tides pointed out,” he clarified. “I had forgiven you with my mouth, but not my heart. I wanted to forgive you with my heart, but as much as I tried, I couldn't let it go. You gave some other dude what belonged to me, Elaine. Knowing something like that is enough to put any man out of commission.”

Ouch. The sting of his words caused a tear to ooze from the corner of Elaine's eye, prompting an immediate recant.

“Don't cry, babe. I didn't mean to make it sound so—”

“No, no, no. Don't apologize,” Elaine said. “I asked for honesty, and that's what I want.” She wiped her face with the bed sheet. “I just don't know what to say, that's all. I mean, I've already said I was sorry at least a hundred times, and I meant it every single time. But apparently sorry isn't enough, and I don't know what else to do.”

“But your apology
is
enough, Elaine,” Mason said. “At least it should be. If it was enough for God, it should be enough for me, and I know God has forgiven you. I just have to work through this and be able to do the same. I'm not blaming my problem on you. I know it might seem like I am, but I'm not.

This is my fault. I'm the one with the forgiveness issues, and it's those issues that's causing this problem; not you.”

“So what are you saying?” Elaine held her breath for a moment; afraid of what his answer might be. “Are you saying that you may never be able to truly forgive me?”

She saw uncertainty in Mason's eyes as he reached for her hand and brought the back of it to his mouth and kissed it, right at the point where the needle was inserted. The touch of his lips sent shivers up her right arm that cleared her shoulder like a rollercoaster, and then rocketed down her spine.

“I'm trying, babe,” he whispered. “I have to find some way to do it 'cause I'm looking at you right now, and I know that look.” His kissed her hand again; this time longer. “I used to love that look, but now it scares me. 'Cause I know that if God doesn't help me to
truly
forgive you, I'll never again know the joy of satisfying that look.”

Feeling flushed, Elaine looked away. She didn't know that her desire for him was so obvious. But then again, she had been married and celibate for more than four hundred days. As Elaine saw it, she was doing well not to leave a trail of steam everywhere she walked. The fact that the liquids that were being fed into her body weren't boiling in their bags as they hung behind her bed was nothing short of a miracle. “What are we gonna do, Mason?” Elaine felt frightened. She knew the fate of their marriage rested largely in her hands, but as much as she loved Mason, she didn't know how much longer she could live like this.

“I want to move back in the bedroom,” he said. “Will you let me?”

Elaine looked at him and nodded. “Of course I will. It's what I've wanted from the beginning.”

“I know, babe. But you'll have to do it with the knowledge that I can't make no guarantees. I just want to take some real steps toward putting my faith into action. All I can promise is that I'll try. God knows with everything in me, I'll try.”

Elaine searched at her husband's helpless face. She saw eyes that she hadn't looked in deeply in over a year, chubby cheeks that she hadn't caressed in over a year, full lips that she hadn't kissed in over a year. At that moment, she felt divinely empowered. Like there was nothing that needed to be done that God hadn't equipped her to do. All she needed now was to get well enough to get out of this bed and into her own. And she would.

Elaine gave her husband a shamelessly seductive smile. “I have an idea,” she said. “Why don't you and all of your faith move into the bedroom and leave all the
action
to me.” She took her index finger and placed it on the cleft of Mason's chin, then allowed it to trace a path down the center of his neck where it lingered for a moment before coming to a stop in the middle of his chest. Mason's right eyebrow twitched, his Adam's apple bobbed, and through the fabric of his shirt, she felt his chest tighten and swell.

“Umph,” Elaine grunted. “And just think. I haven't even gotten started yet.”

“I knew you'd come,” she said as she sat on the side of the mattress with a firm grip on the pink and blue blanket that was draped across her lap. When Elaine handed her the blanket and whispered the words, “Ms. Essie told me to give this to you,” Angel didn't even flinch. Not once did she doubt her friend's declaration. In fact, she embraced them and couldn't wait to get home. Essie had promised to always be there for Angel, and although the elderly woman hadn't been there when Angel thought she should, Elaine's words told her that it was only a matter of time. It didn't even bother Angel when Jennifer informed her that Colin had stopped by and gotten Austin; nor did it upset her when she walked into Essie's bedroom and found a handwritten note that indicated that he'd not only found her hiding place, but had been inside.

Colin's words seemed heartfelt, but they didn't explain the lipstick on his collar or the scent of some other woman's perfume in his shirt. There would be no making up if he couldn't explain that. And as far as talking goes, tonight she needed to talk to someone else. There was so much that she needed to say to Essie, but when she looked into the beautiful brown eyes of the woman who'd been like a nurturing grandmother to her, tears danced at the edges of Angel's lower lids. Essie opened her arms like she understood the words that Angel hadn't even spoken yet.

Angel leaned her head on Essie's chest and melted in her embrace. For a long while, as they sat together on the bed, all that could be heard was Angel's weeping and Essie's humming as she rocked back and forth. Essie had never been a great singer, but when she hummed, Angel always found solace. The woman's soft hand caressed Angel's arm as they swayed in gentle motions. It was the same feeling of protection that Essie had given her for most of her life. Whether it was a scraped knee, hurtful words from the school bully, a heart left broken by a disloyal boyfriend, or just the frustration of a bad hair day; Essie had always been there to help Angel pick up the pieces and offer much-needed encouragement. Yet, the one time when Essie needed her most, Angel was nowhere around. “I'm so sorry, Ms. Essie,” she blurted.

Essie tightened her grip. “What you sorry for, sugar?”

“That I wasn't there to help you that night. If I had been there, you wouldn't have died. I would have been able to get you some help, been able to save you.” Her words were mixed with wails and periodic gasps of air.

“Get me some help?” Essie chuckled and kissed the top of Angel's head. “Girl, I didn't need no help. It was my time to go, and I was ready to be with the Lord; to be with my Ben. You ain't got nothing to feel bad about. God called my name that night, Angel. I had to go. I wanted to go.” She pulled Angel away from her and cupped her wet face in her hands, forcing Angel to look her in the eyes. “Do you understand what I'm saying? I
wanted
to go. Ain't nothing you could have done to change what happened, and I wouldn't have wanted you to even if you could. Besides, it ain't like you was in Biloxi somewhere playing the numbers or something. You were having a baby, child. And at the time, there wasn't nothing in this world more important than bringing that beautiful baby boy into this world.”

Angel sat up straight and used the knitted blanked to wipe her face. “I just feel so bad. I never got to say good-bye.” Angel's voice quivered. “I couldn't even make the homegoing service.”

“Please!” Essie gave her hand a carefree wave, and the whole bed shook when she laughed. “
I
wasn't even at the homegoing service.”

Angel looked at her with inquisitive eyes.

“That wasn't nothing but a shell that them folks had prettied up in that casket,” Essie explained. “I wasn't nowhere in it. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. I was with the Lord, child. I was too busy rejoicing with my Savior to care who was at some funeral.”

Angel tucked stray hairs behind her ears. It had meant so much to her; had been so painful to her that she'd missed out on so much. But listening to Essie made her feel as though she'd been making a mountain out of a mole hill all these months. “I just wish I could have paid my respects,” she mumbled.

Essie turned and looked at her. “Honey, you gave me all the respect I could ask for when I was living right here in this house. You know how many old ladies wish they had young folks to love them and want to be around them like you did me? I had natural family that never even bothered to come and see about me. They didn't come to see 'bout me when I was living, and didn't even care enough to throw dirt on me when I was dead. But you? You was different. When your granny was living, I figured you was around me 'cause she was around me. Then when she died all them years ago and you kept coming around, I knew then that you loved me for me. Sometimes I forgot that you wasn't really kin.” Essie laughed and her eyes brightened. But seconds later, the laugh was gone and she gave Angel an intense look. “But you done stopped paying your respects now.”

Angel felt as though Essie had sucker punched her. What was she talking about? As much grieving as she'd done in the past year; as much hard work as she was now putting into getting Essie's house ready for the market, how could she say such a thing?

“Oh yeah, honey, you done stopped respecting me,” she added, looking at Angel like her thoughts had been spoken words. “When you let my homegoing come 'tween you and your husband, you stopped respecting me.”

Angel searched Essie's face. “I didn't let—”

“You hush up now and listen,” Essie said. She stood from the bed and peeked through the blinds into the night. When she turned back to face Angel, she said, “I ain't got much time, so you listen to me and you listen good.” She squatted in front of Angel and took both Angel's hands in hers. Angel couldn't help wonder how a woman of Essie's years could squat so easily and hold the position so effortlessly. “I'm only gonna say this to you once, 'cause I ain't got time to say it twice,” Essie started. “You ain't doing right by your husband.”

Angel opened her mouth to defend herself, but Essie held up her index finger in silent warning. It was a signal that Angel had seen many times in her life, and she knew that when Essie flashed it, she meant business.

“When I died, that boy stood by you. He prayed for you, cried with you, sat up sometimes all night long and talked you through your pain. When you finally snapped out of all your grief, what you went and did?”

Angel's mind searched for an answer, but Essie didn't give her time to think of one before she spoke again.

“Nothing,” she said, and her tone was stern. “That's what you went and did. You ain't hardly done one thing for that boy since.” Angel swallowed hard, and she stared at the pink and blue blanket as Essie continued to scold her. “You 'round here shopping for Austin, going to church, cleaning up my house, and running 'round the neighborhood with Elaine, but you ain't done one good thing for or
to
Colin in months. Now what kinda sense does that make? Honey, you ain't respecting me and you ain't doing no favors for your son or your friends if you ain't taking care of your husband.” She lifted Angel's chin with her finger. “You understand me, child?”

“Yes, ma'am.” All Angel could manage was a murmur.

“When I left here, there wasn't love nowhere this side of heaven that was stronger than yours and Colin's. Now you over here sleeping in my bed 'cause you think he's having an affair.”

Angel sat up straight. “I found—”

“A shirt with some lipstick on the collar; that's
all
you found, and that don't mean squat.” Spit flew out of Essie's mouth as she spewed the words. “Lipstick don't equal no affair, Angel. But if you don't straighten up and give that man the attention he needs and
deserves
, then you gonna lose him for real. Honey, you betta wake up and smell the coffee 'fore the percolator runs dry. You know how many women out there would kill for a man like the one you got? Handsome, hardworking, loyal, God-fearing. You got some out there who will take him just to be vengeful. They jealous and will do anything to tear you down.”

“Jealous of what?” Angel asked. “I don't have a lot of friends, Ms. Essie, but the ones I have are trustworthy. I don't believe—”

“Ain't nobody said nothing about your friends,” Essie snapped. “Just like you got friends, you got enemies. Some you know 'bout and some you don't. Enemies can be just like family, but they can hate your guts. Jealousy is an evil thing, and you got plenty to be jealous of. Not only do you have a good family, but you got money, child. I left you everything when I died, and there are folks out there who ain't all that happy about that. They didn't never do nothing for me when I was living 'cause they didn't know I had anything to leave them when I died. Now they're mad 'cause I left it all to you.”

Angel looked at Essie. She'd never seen her explain anything with such adamancy. Her words didn't sound hypothetical. She sounded as if she were specifically talking about someone.

“Who, Ms. Essie? Who's doing that?”

“Just know that there are some evil people in this world, sugar,” Essie said. “Some seem like they were born evil. Been evil all their lives.” She looked away, and then turned and faced Angel again. “The point I'm making is that if they can't take your money, they'll aim for something else. Maybe something else that they know you care more about than money. If that means destroying your family, that's what they'll do, 'cause they know that money can buy a lot of things, but it ain't never been able to meet the price tag that comes with happiness.”

“So Colin's not having an affair?”Angel really needed to know.

“No,” Essie answered. “I ain't saying he was right for staying away deep into the night like he been doing lately, but you got to give him a reason to come home, baby.” Essie finally stood up straight. “If you really give it some thought, I think you'll realize that you miss being with him just as much as he been missing being with you.”

Angel looked up at Ms. Essie. Truer words had never been spoken. “What do I do now?”

Essie put her hands on her hips. “What you mean what do you do now? It ain't like you got to get on a plane, child.” Essie pointed at Colin's open-faced letter that Angel had placed on the nightstand. “Your house is right 'cross the way, and he done already begged you to come home.
Go home
, Angel. Do your making up tonight. The talking can wait 'til tomorrow.” She winked like that was something experience had taught her.

Angel bounced from the mattress, but a twinge of sadness set in as soon as she looked at Essie. “You're gonna leave now, aren't you?”

“My work here is done.” She veered her eyes toward the ceiling, then looked back at Angel and added, “But don't you worry none, I'm always gonna be here whenever you need me. You might not see me, but I'm here. And as long as you doing the right thing by God and by your family, you can rest assured that I'm proud, and I'm happy. Understand?”

Angel's lips trembled, but she managed a smile. “Yes, ma'am. I understand.”

Essie reached out and pulled Angel into a hug, but as soon as their bodies touched, Angel's eyes flew open. She awakened to find herself lying in bed, clutching the handmade blanket in her arms as though it were another person. She took a moment to steady her breathing and savor her experience, then Angel slung her legs out of bed, shoved her feet into her bedroom slippers, and grabbed her car keys. She ran from the bedroom to the porch, only pausing to lock the front door when she exited. Wearing only her pajamas and a pink and blue blanket draped around her shoulders, she headed to her car.