The Muse (30 page)

I sipped on some lemonade, alongside of Larry and his boyfriend, Tim, who were feasting on strawberry parfaits. A slideshow played on all of the big screens showing statistics about bullying and showing kids holding up signs with phrases like, “your words stay with me forever” and “I cry myself to sleep every night” and “I’m afraid to go to school.”

Travis walked by us without notice, followed by Eva who was reading a document and straightening her dress as she walked up the main aisle. They walked up the stage’s side steps. Travis turned to say something and Eva stretched her gaze out towards us. I ducked, pretending to fix my shoe. I suddenly felt foolish just showing up like this, as if doing them a favor. They handled everything just fine on their own without my help, without my interference. I’d been such a coward, such a freak, such a waste of space in their lives recently. I imagined they thought, ‘Who was she to just waltz back in unannounced and think we’d open up our arms wide and invite her back in without question, without struggle, without proving she was worthy of being part of something so critical and important?’

“What’s the plan? Do you go help now or wait?” Larry asked me plopping a chunk of strawberry in his mouth.

I remained glued to the ground, fixing my unbroken shoe. “I don’t want to be in their way.”

He reached down and pulled me up, stared straight into my frightened eyes. “Darling, it’s time you stop this charade and be strong.”

I froze under his order, not ready to be that person, not equipped to be that person. “I’m just here to show my support. I can do that afterwards.”

They looked well-positioned, congruent in their maneuvers around the stage, unaffected by my lack of presence on their important day. I curled in on myself feeling very much like a third wheel on a mountain bike, useless, unnecessary, in the way. “I don’t belong here,” I said.

Eva smiled at something Travis said and he laughed, flipping his head backwards and holding his stomach. The scene was perfect. The lights were perfect. The food was perfect. The audience was perfect. They were perfect in their suit and dress.

I wanted to run.

Then, the perfect scene unraveled slightly. Travis and Eva spoke over paperwork. The sound check guys ran up the stage stairs and looked flustered. One of them spoke into the microphone with no success and the other flagged someone in the back of the room. They ran around the stage to the speakers, adjusting wires and arguing. Travis and Eva fidgeted with the laptop on the desk near the podium, shaking their heads and wiping their foreheads.

“I think I should go help,” Larry said.

“Don’t leave me.” I grabbed his hand. “Let’s just go find seats.”

Larry shook his head at me. His lips straightened into a line. “I can embarrass you and get this ordeal over with sooner rather than later so you might be able to enjoy the event.”

I stopped walking, pointed my finger at him and warned him. “Keep it up, and I will talk of spiders and screams to your boyfriend.”

He pushed me forward. “Find us a seat then.”

All the seats in the back were filled. So, I had no choice but to choose the fourth row from the front, aisle seats. I scrunched down in my chair and watched Travis and Eva work as a team. Then, Larry tapped my shoulder. “Why are Doreen and Katie here?”

The two women scanned the room as they settled in two seats on the opposite side a few rows behind us. When they spotted me, they waved.

I waved back with a question on my face. “How did you know?”

Doreen shrugged and giggled. Katie winked.

Larry rose.

“Where are you going?” I asked, getting up and climbing over Tim’s legs just as quickly as he did.

“To get some water.”

I followed him as he trekked like a track star across the floor towards the water. Then, once we landed at the refreshments table, I looked over at the girls. I needed to say hello.

“I’ll be back,” I said. I headed in their direction. When I arrived at their seats, they greeted me with smiles; Katie’s much slyer than Doreen’s.

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Doreen pointed to Katie. “It’s all her doing.”

Katie arched her eye at me. “You can’t expect me to stop tormenting you cold turkey now, can you?”

I hinged on panic. “What are you up to?”

“Just here for moral support.” She shrugged. “And, of course a little fun watching you get worked up.”

“I can’t take this right now,” I said.

She placed her hand on my wrist. “Relax. I said fun, not evil.” She cleared her throat. “I’ve got a little confession.”

“Spill it.” The panic rose.

“Okay, CarefreeJanie.”

All blood rushed from my face. “How did you know?”

“You can’t leave your computer unlocked and expect me not to snoop. You made it too easy.”

The lights dimmed and the jazz music vanished. A man crept up to me and asked me to take my seat.

“You’re still a crazy wench,” I said with a wink.

Doreen slung her arm around Katie’s shoulder. “She sure is. But, a nice wench at least.”

Katie smiled under the submission. I’d never seen her look more relaxed, more at peace.

“Ma’am, please take your seat now,” the usher whispered.

I walked towards the back of the room and stopped at the refreshment table where Larry still stood. “I’m not in the mood to sit. I’ll just stand here, too,” I said.

“Then, we’ll stand together.” He sipped some water. “You look stunning.”

“Thanks, my friend.” I wished I felt like that girl he saw in me. “I’m glad you came with me.”

“That’s what best friends do. We support each other even when it’s uncomfortable to do so.”

“Do you think Tim will ever leave his wife?”

“I don’t know.” He stared straight ahead looking doubtful. “I never meant to fall in love with him.”

“Bullshit.”

He sighed. “He ha d me the moment he flashed that smile.”

“Same with me.”

We stared ahead towards the stage, two screwed up friends accepting each other.

“Come on,” I said. “Let’s go back to our seats so Tim isn’t sitting alone.”

Larry followed me. I walked slowly, bowing my head to avoid Eva’s eyes.

The presentation of the hero awards started with the President of a local organization. He spoke about their upcoming community awareness projects. Eva and Travis sat on stage next to each other. Travis bowed his head and looked scared. Eva cradled his arm, comforting him. When the presenter finished his speech, he introduced Eva. She rose, and that’s when I noticed her shoes. One black, one blue. “Oh my God.” I cupped my hand to my face.

“What?” Larry asked.

I stared at her shoes and a big smile erupted on my face. My heart swelled. “She prepped, which means she expected me—well, Janie—to show.”

Eva rose with confidence, mismatched shoes and all and strode to the podium. She began by thanking everyone for coming, and then she read some alarming statistics before getting to the heart of her speech.

“I think the real issue lies in the helplessness that kids experience when they are being bullied. They feel alone, isolated, like no one would ever understand how badly it hurts to be shunned, made fun of, and beat up. Helplessness destroys people, renders them incapable of doing great things out of fears and insecurities that over time build up to the likes of concrete walls. They view everyone and everything as a threat to their protected status they’ve worked so hard to build. Even when these people love and adore them.”

She paused and continued. “When I was younger I lived with my aunt and uncle because my parents decided they wanted to move to the UK and felt I might get in the way as they settled down. So, the day after Christmas, my parents hugged me, and then hopped on an airplane to London. It would be five years before I saw them again. I’d get cards and a few tokens gifts like a bracelet or a license plate for my bicycle, but never a visit or a ticket to visit them. They planned to open a boutique and sell lingerie. After five years, they returned empty-handed and ventured straight to the unemployment office in New York City to see about how much they could collect. When they were turned down, they pulled me along to the social services office, dressing me in worn and tattered clothing with streaks of mud on my face to show how much in need we were. They handed us a book of food stamps and a promise to get us on the list for Section Eight housing. As we walked home that afternoon, and I listened to them bicker on and on about how my father wanted to buy cigarettes and my mother needed to buy roll-on antiperspirant instead, I promised myself right then and there that I would never beg for a handout for as long as I lived.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks.

She adjusted the microphone. “That very afternoon, I began knocking on front doors handing each neighbor a carefully thought out flyer designed using a ballpoint pen and crayons detailing the benefits of hiring me to clean their house, iron their clothes, and babysit their kids. This started the formation of my self-reliance – a thing most bullies enjoy taking away from their victims.”

She leaned forward. “Many people will assume they have control over your life and your destiny and that one wrong move on their part has the power to double you over and ruin your life. I am here to say to you that that is not true. At least not for those who have been taught from a very early age that as long as you wait for someone to hand you something, you will always wait for someone to hand you something. The moment you make the clean break to go out there and fish for yourself, you will have more fish than you’ll ever know what to do with and automatically be in a position to give instead of seek. Once a person realizes this, she is free.”

The audience hummed up and down like a wave.

She continued. “One person or one event should never have the ability to ruin your life. Great trials may be suffered, challenges may arise, but with self-reliance comes a freedom to start over and stand tall once again. I challenge all of you kids to not be that person who sits around waiting for someone to hand you a fish to eat. To never sit there with open hands begging for nourishment from anyone or any job or any opportunity. Learn to make your own breaks and you learn the valuable lesson that as long as there are other bodies of water out there, you’ll never go hungry. You’ll never be pushed down so far you can’t get back up. You’ll never be a victim to the hand of someone else. Instead of seeking nourishment, be the one to give it.”

The audience applauded. She bowed her head and nodded as the cheers rose and fell and rose again. “Thank you.” She ushered them to quiet down with a few hand waves. “I appreciate that. Now, I’d like to introduce you all to a brave young man who has single-handedly changed my outlook on life. He has taught me that the power in perseverance doesn’t come naturally. It’s something we have to consciously set our minds to and work at each day, and when we do, the result is far-reaching and impactful in ways I’m still trying to grasp. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Travis Stafford.”

Travis rose and shook Eva’s hand. We all climbed to our feet and applauded him. He stood in front of the podium, proud and smiling and then in one defining moment, he scanned the room, landed on me, and nodded.

He began by explaining the short film he would soon present, and spoke about how the idea stemmed from the horrible incident in his life. As he spoke, he wiped his cheeks over and over. “Someone special once told me never to give up on myself. She advised I should rise above.” He sniffed. “I’d like to read something from an essay she wrote that really stuck:
Every person has a life source, and along the way this life source was either kicked to the farthest recesses of their bodies and covered up in the shroud of doubts, despair, and fear, or it sprang forth and powered the person to move proudly, acknowledging her gift and sharing it with the world. Someone would cherish the gift. And if even one person cherished it, wasn’t that enough?
He looked right at me. “She gave me the best advice when she said that I should release whatever’s on my mind so I can get on with my life. I would challenge her to do the same; to stand before others and tell her story so she can move forward in life and be the positive influence she doesn’t even know she’s capable of being.”