The Muse (31 page)

He paused and waited for me to act.

Larry placed his hand on my leg. I cradled it, soaking up his friendship, his support, his nourishment. Then, I stood up. “I’m about to do something really crazy, Larry.”

My heart galloped. Now or never. As Travis once said to me, what’s the worst that could happen? I die? I inhaled deeper than I’d ever inhaled and marched confidently up the aisle. The audience chatted loudly. Eva narrowed her eyes. Recognition spilled on her face as I climbed the creaky stairs. Her familiar smile comforted me. I approached and stood before her, vulnerable. She stood and greeted me with a hug.

“I’m CarefreeJanie,” I whispered, trembling in her arms, tears spilling out of me.

She hugged me tighter. “So nice to finally meet you.”

I pulled back, braving all and stared straight into her eyes, revealing myself, my true self, my carefree self. “Nice shoes.”

Her smile set me free.

I winked and chuckled, then looked away at Travis who stood waiting for a hug, too.

I went to him and rubbed the tears from his cheeks with the back of my hand. “I’ve got a story to tell, and I’m ready now.”

They both backed away and sat down.

I began my story with the first time I felt special to someone. The first time Barbara invited me to her sleepover.

“My best friend Barbara took me under her wings and flew me up higher than I’d ever soared, to a place I’d only dreamed of after reading storybooks about best friends sharing bracelets and giggles over teacups. When Barbara introduced me as her best friend, she completed me—about as complete as any eight-year-old freckled-faced kid could feel.”

“That feeling,” I explained, “was one I had been trying to get back ever since the day she shattered this ideal vision and rendered me someone incapable of believing that I held any value in life other than to take up space in a cubicle at Martin Sporting Goods.”

I inhaled, steadying my shaky voice. “There’s something else that I’ve never told anyone that I wish to confess now.” The audience sat still. Soft, forgiving eyes swaddled and empowered me to release the shackles of guilt. “Back before bullies bullied me, I bullied others.”
I paused, summoning up the courage to release the burden and come out of hiding, just dropping it all on the stage and letting someone sweep it far away from me. I looked out to Larry. He cupped his chin with his hand. His energy gave me hope, gave me power, and helped me rise to face my guilt. I felt safe to finally confess my awful sins and hope someone might learn from them and do good things as a result.

“There was a girl named Rhonda. She was a pretty girl with strawberry blonde hair and a fun laugh. I dove in and bullied her without much regard for what I thought about her. I just wanted to fit in and be accepted, so I launched my insults. One mock turned into many.” I paused, clinging to the podium. “Then, I remember this one day. She was sitting on the front steps of the school. Blood dripped down her knee. She wiped it with a sock. I wanted to help her. I looked around first to make sure no one was watching, then, I walked up to her. I was about to hand her my package of tissues when she looked up at me through the pain and the fright. “Oh God, please no more. I can’t take any more from you,” she whispered.

She dashed off, limping, whimpering, dripping blood. I’d never seen her again. That afternoon she committed suicide and left a note that said she was tired and needed a good long nap.”

I paused, caved into a series of shivers, and then braced for more honest unleashing.

“I will spend the rest of my days haunted by Rhonda’s eyes that day. Bullies are just scared individuals. Some are full of poison that’s been fed to them by the bullies before them. I was a bully once, and for that I’m terribly sorry. I hurt people and ruined lives. I don’t know who Rhonda would’ve grown up to be had I not pelted her, laughed at her, humiliated her, scared her every school day. I will never know and this is what has kept me hiding from life. But hiding isn’t helping the greater cause. I know this now thanks to Travis and Eva.”

I paused, taking up refuge in the silence that cradled my broken spirit and blew soft, forgiving kisses at me. Larry cupped his hands around his mouth, taking on my pain. I drew a deep breath and saddled onto the back of a new freedom that steered me away from my old, cluttered path and onto a new one where the sun danced on the leaves of healthy, vibrant plants and lit up the horizon like shimmering jewels. My breaths lightened. My mind cleared. My soul opened up, and I continued to talk for a good twenty minutes, spilling the remnants of my life. I disclosed the burden of my scars, the frights that encased me, the nails of injustice that I caused and I suffered, nails that pierced through me and held me hostage to a life that lacked wholeness, unity, and freedom to soar to those heights everyone should get to enjoy.

I would never be free until I unstrapped these tired cuffs. Until I trusted that the key I held could open them. Until I figured out that I held the key all of my life and never knew it, because I spent that time hiding behind a smokescreen so deep and stoked that the key appeared to be nothing more than another obstacle in my way. The time to shed this old tired life and start fresh presented itself to me.

I could’ve chosen to stay hidden and create a silence so stark no one would hear it or I could’ve chosen to free my story for others to learn and pass on. I chose freedom. And when I did, the smoke cleared.

“The day I wrote this film I stepped outside of myself and into the heart of someone else who, despite having been through hell and back, still allowed his light to shine on me and others. My hope is that kids like Travis will be moved by it and realize that if they can love abundantly without expectation, they will harness all the power from within to change the world and eradicate bullying.”

I backed away from the podium, numb and shaking, dizzy from emptying the most personal parts of my soul to a room full of strangers. I walked down the stairs walked in wide strides back down the aisle not sure what to do with all of this lightness. I knew at that moment, regardless of what came my way, I would be okay now. I flew freely and safely.

I landed outside in front of the building. The warm air circled me and swaddled me in comfort. I knew without a doubt that everything would work out now. I walked to the edge of the trees and took in their beauty. I breathed in their freshness.

“Jane,” Eva called out to me. I turned and she ran over to me, her hair flapping in the gentle breeze. When she got to me, she scrolled her eyes around my face, taking me all in, making me feel like a princess. “You are so beautiful.”

I gulped back tears.

Her eyes softened on me. “I am so sorry for all that you had to go through. I get it now. I get why you hid. I get why you ran away from us. I get it, honey.”

Fear melted. Elation rose. Tingles returned. And, the hungry need to reach out and touch her beckoned me to act. So, I did. I placed my hand on her cheek and brushed her skin with my thumb, soaking up her softness, her sweet breath, and the love that sprang from her eyes. Under the budding sunrays, circled in a golden hue of light and love, I leaned in closer and enjoyed the tug of arousal, the euphoric rush, the sweet flavor of her joyful smile and the comfort that it provided, ready at last for my first kiss.

She smiled wider and cooed, leaning in and speaking to me through her eyes, reassuring me, urging me to come closer, begging me to release my anxiety and settle into this beautiful moment that we’d waited an eternity to enjoy. I circled my gaze down to her lips, her wet, moist fleshy lips, and desperately craved to taste them. I braved all and traveled my finger up to them, tracing them and melting at their warmth. Caught up and cocooned in this moment, I moved in and kissed them with my own trembling lips. They felt so right, so tender, and so perfect against mine. She cradled my face in her hands and pulled me tighter to her. She breathed out and I breathed her in.

“I’m glad it was you,” she whispered into my mouth.

“Really?”

“Those eyes.” She gazed at me. “They attracted me that first day in the bathroom.”

I kissed her again. Then, I asked the burning question. “What about your girlfriend?”

“I ended it. She is just no Jane Knoll.”

I sealed in this admission by closing my eyes. She ran her soft touch along my cheek. “I really adore you, CarefreeJanie,” she whispered.

Warm ripples wrapped around me. I pressed into her hungry for more. I pushed past her lips and flirted with her tongue, enjoying the dance, forgetting we were two women standing in a parking lot, making out. We continued kissing, seeking warmth in each other’s breaths. Then, she stared at me the way one would stare at a beautiful girl. I pressed against her and kissed her like she was my life source, my nutrition, and my entire world.

# #

She held out a helmet for me. “You’re going to look adorable in this,” she said handing it to me, her lips slightly parted.

I took it from her slender hands and stared at it. “Put it on for me?” I handed it back to her.

She moved in close, her warm breath brushing my face. Up close like this, her face looked delicious, natural, the perfect combination of smooth and soft. She didn’t take her eyes from mine as she placed the helmet on my head and secured it under my chin. When secured, she continued to tease me with her smiling gaze. “You’re safe now, honey.”

“Really?” I asked this with a raspy edge to my voice I’d never heard. “I feel slightly reckless right now.”

She ran her fingers through the edges of my hair. “I have to admit that the entire time we were finishing up in the event, I could think of nothing else than you holding me tight around my waist, hugging me.”

This image of me pressed up against her, feeling my chest beat against the arch in her back drove me wild. “Let’s go,” I whispered.

She placed a helmet on her head and mounted her bike. “Hop on, beautiful. Your chariot awaits.”

I slid onto the bike’s black seat and I slipped naturally into the cradle of her butt. I pulled up on my skirt so it covered the top of my legs. My crotch rested smack up against her ass. If she were naked, she’d feel I wore lacy undies. She reached for my hands and circled them around her small waist. She caressed my hands, and I leaned into her, indulging in her sexy, clean scent, resting against her and sealing in this moment when I cradled a woman in my arms. I desperately wanted her to turn around so I could kiss her again. I wanted to feel her soft tongue in my mouth, twirling with mine in a seductive dance of chase where we took turns flipping, rolling, and tumbling around each other’s breaths.

She cranked the engine and the seat vibrated between my legs, revving high then low, then high again, percolating beneath me, sending wonderful flutters through my vagina. “Hold on, okay?”

I pressed my cheek against her shoulder blade and squeezed her tighter. She backed out of the spot slowly, checking behind us several times. My heart raced for what was to come. Never had I indulged in such danger, such exhilaration before. Just an open road ahead of us, we tore off down the parking lot like a couple of wild girls heading out for spring break with just the clothes on our back and a pocket full of lust to sprinkle on our way.

At our first traffic light she yelled out to me. “What do you think of heading out to western Maryland to see some of the farm scenery? I don’t get to see farmland in New York City.”

I yelled above the engine. “Whatever you’d like, babe. I’m all yours.”

She revved the engine with that.

We headed out on the back roads towards Frederick. We passed through grassy towns where cows hung out in fields. Gentle, rolling green hills sloped around us. We owned the road. We stopped at one point to check out some horses that grazed close to a wooden fence. She cut the engine. I dismounted on her cue. I released my hair from the helmet and tossed it around, sure the frizz flew with the wind.

She dismounted, shook her hair, too, and placed her helmet on the handle. I placed mine on the seat. We stood facing each other. “I just want to hold you,” she said.

I opened my arms to her and she fell into them. We embraced, rubbing each other’s backs, resting our cheeks on each other’s shoulders. I sought out her lips this time, and she responded with a lovely moan. I couldn’t imagine how this scene could’ve gotten more romantic. But, then she backed away, took my hand in hers and began running towards the fence. When we reached it, she tore off her shoes. I tore off mine. We giggled, latched onto each other’s hands again, and climbed through the wooden fence. We started running through the open field of overgrown greenery and wild flowers. Larry would’ve died thinking of all the insects crawling on the blades. Exhilarated, I squeezed Eva’s hand. We galloped together like a couple of wild horses, laughing, panting, and jumping over tall cattails and wild hyacinths. We ran past a silo, past an old beat-up farmhouse with a broken door and holes in its sides, past an abandoned, rusted old car that resembled something straight out of the nineteen twenties. The sky smelled as fresh as spring dew, as damp as a summer evening’s rain. We ran in a heaven of our own, side by side. We ran like this for several minutes not bothering to notice the dark clouds rolling in from the west until they started to drop large pellets of rain on top of us. We stopped, looked up, and bent over in hysterical giggles before clinging to each other and spinning around in circles. The rain pelted us, and urged us closer. “The rain loves us,” she said.