The New Topping Book (19 page)

Play-test bondage equipment and eyebolts periodically by having someone heavy try them out. If something seems creaky or wobbly, fix it before you play with it again.

S
OME
F
INAL
T
HOUGHTS ON
T
OYS

As the old saying goes, “Size doesn’t matter” – toybag size, that is. No knowledgeable bottom judges a top on how many toys he has. Tops get judged on their skill, creativity, character and ethics, not on their stuff.

If you’re a “gear queer” who enjoys collecting dozens or hundreds of cool toys, and you’re not bankrupting yourself to do it, we applaud you – we love beautiful toys, own a lot ourselves, and have friends whose collections are practically museum-quality. You’re also helping to keep our leatherworker friends, a vital link in the community, busy creating instruments of joy. But don’t forget: your partner is bottoming to you, not your toys… and that’s exactly the way you want it, right?

interlude 4

A first-time topping scene played by a bottom and her friends.

This scene happened not long after I came out into S/M. I had broken up with my first S/M partner, Rick, a few months previously, and with great care and some trepidation, we had recently resumed our play relationship, with no intention of becoming partners again. Our preferred roles in scene, he the ravishing top, me the helpless bottom, fit together just about perfectly, and indeed, after this story we continued to play as friends for another nine years.

At that time I was also playing with a professional dominatrix named Celia, an intimidating relationship for me, since she had so much more experience and seemed so free and confident in her S/M. I was quite overawed.

One afternoon the three of us got together to videotape a discussion of S/M that we hoped would be useful information for people who didn’t understand our sexual practices. After a few hours of talking about sex and play, the erotic tension began to mount and it became clear that all three of us wanted to play together.

You would think that a greedy girl like me would be a happy little piglet at the thought of bottoming to both of my tops, but in fact I was terrified. The emotional connections between the three of us were complicated and tender, and I could not figure out how this scene would work.

We went out for dinner, and it was there that a new vision came to me, a desire I had never before felt. I started topping both of them. Fussed over how they lit my cigarettes, felt them up under the table, sent Rick to the bathroom with a conspicuous erection. The restaurant was in the gay part of town, and the waiters understood perfectly well what was going on, and indeed, helped out by exaggerating the formality of the service and waiting patiently while Celia made sure my plate was perfectly arranged, while she pretended she was not affected by my foot exploring her crotch, again under the table. Both she and Rick were startled but eager to encourage my new behavior. I felt excited and curiously confident, as if I had entered a trance in which it was clear that nothing could go wrong.

During dinner Rick and Celia, amazed, stayed very quiet. I kept the conversation going by asking intrusive questions: “How does your cunt feel right now?” “Is your ass clean for me?” This is my rude and toppish version of negotiation: I make threats, the bottom(s) indicate acquiescence or limits in their responses. For instance: “My cunt is throbbing and eager for you, Ma’am.” “My asshole is a little sore from last night, I might have to offer it slowly and carefully.”

Back at Celia’s place, the toys were all still spread out for the show and tell part of our video. We had been talking about them all afternoon, so I had a good idea of what might interest either of them, and where limits might be found. I made them take each other’s clothes off – slowly. I interrupted from time to time to slow them down even further, instructing them to get each other as turned on as they could while each article of clothing was removed.

Then I had Celia remove my panties, again slowly and sensuously, very seductive on her knees in front of me. I had to punish her for getting too eager about sniffing my cunt, slapping her upturned face while she promised to behave herself. I told her to do nothing she was not told to do.

I sent her off to the kitchen for refreshments while I had Rick clear the bed and lay the toys out as I liked them. Celia served tea very prettily, on her knees, careful to give me just the right amount of sugar and cream.

Rick was endowed with a dick as big around as my wrist, and long enough to make taking all of it in somewhat of a challenge. He also needed to fuck quite vigorously for a long time to get off. (It’s a very good thing that we like challenges.) So the meat of the scene, if you’ll pardon the expression, consisted of me ordering Rick to fuck Celia, with me counting cadence, ordering them to follow my rhythm, and turning them over and over so I could flog first one exposed ass and then the other. Later Celia told me she felt as if I was fucking her, and beating her, with Rick’s huge cock. That archaic word from Victorian porn, “bludgeon,” constitutes an perfect description of the nature of the scene.

How did I feel? Triumphant. I hadn’t known I had that in me. I felt powerful and sexy and on top of the world, or at least on top of my two lovers. And I felt a fulfillment of another part of myself, grateful to discover that I could top. I could do it myself, no longer totally dependent on the energy of someone else, no longer waiting impatiently for somebody else to manifest some desire, I could make a scene happen myself. Power! Freedom!

Although my primary role in S/M continues to be the hapless bottom, wickedly tormented, I have never given up topping. And never will.

12

F
INDING
O
THERS

F
IRST
T
HINGS
F
IRST
.
Many tops make what we think is a big mistake – they set out looking for bottoms, maybe only for bottoms of a particular type.

Why is that a mistake, you ask? Well, because it takes a lot more than a bottom to be a top. It takes a set of techniques that will enable you to do what you do with skill and confidence. It takes a sense of the many ways BDSM can work out in real life, as opposed to the ideas you’ve probably encountered in fiction and videos. And it takes the support of a network of more experienced tops, bottoms and switches to introduce you around, help you when you encounter difficulties, and coach you on the etiquette and customs of this strange new environment. In other words, it takes a community. So when you attend your first munch or club meeting, tear your eyes away from the people who look like potential play partners, and start looking around for people who look like the kind of top you want to be, because those are the people who can help you become that kind of top.

V
IRTUAL
C
OMMUNITIES
.
Since we wrote the first edition of this book, the Internet has become the main venue in which players from around the world can meet, flirt, make friends, exchange ideas and become part of one another’s lives.

If you’re reading this, it’s a pretty safe bet that you’ve already spent a bit of time on the ’Net – these days it’s the first exposure many people get to the world of kink. But if you haven’t, allow us to recommend that you do so immediately; if you can’t afford your own computer, you can arrange to use one in a café or library. Being ’Net-illiterate in this day and age could cost you knowledge, social opportunities and quite possibly partners.

Whether you decide to explore websites, newsgroups, chatrooms, and/or private mailing lists – all of which we discussed in some detail in
The New Bottoming Book
– keep in mind that the virtual BDSM world has its good points
and
its bad points. On-line interaction is a relatively low-risk way to exchange ideas, learn new philosophies and techniques, discuss issues, ask for help with problems, experiment with different personae, and flirt with anyone who’s willing to flirt back. If you use one of the Internet providers that allows you to have one or more “screen names,” it’s very difficult, often impossible, for anyone to find out your real identity… so if you feel too scared or shy or vulnerable to attend a real-world function, on-line interactions can be your lifeline to the kink world.

On the other hand, that very anonymity enables some people to feel less accountable for what they say or do. They can pretend to be someone they’re not, since you’ll have no way to find out otherwise. They can insult (“flame”) you, spread rumors about you, cyber-stalk you, or promise things they have no intention of delivering.

Some people feel that the ’Net is a safer way to interact than real life (or “meat life,” as ’Netfolk call it). In some ways it is – it’s rare to come away from a chatroom with bruises or sprains. But the emotions generated by Internet debates and by fantasy play in chatrooms can be quite real and powerful; we’ve both known people badly hurt by virtual interactions gone wrong.

So consider this section a
caveat emptor
regarding the Internet. Use it, explore it, learn from it – but always remember that you have no way of knowing whether the person you’re talking to has your best interests at heart. We love the ’Net – well, one of us does, anyway – but we see it as a supplement to, not a substitute for, real-world interaction.

M
UNCHES
.
Munches were developed as a venue in which people who had met on the ’Net could get together to meet one another face-to-face; since then, they’ve grown into one of the most widespread phenomena in the kink community. A munch is an event in which kinkyfolk can meet in a non-kink space – typically a restaurant, food court or bar – to socialize, flirt, cruise and generally hang out. They’re usually less threatening for newcomers than parties or support groups, since most people wear street clothes and no serious play takes place. Here in the Bay Area, it’s possible to go to a munch almost every night of the week, and even the smallest towns these days usually have at least a monthly munch. And where do you learn about them? On the Internet, of course.

L
EATHER
B
ARS
.
For many decades, the primary venue for kinky gay men to form community and to look for partners has been the leather bar. These venerable institutions usually feature a fairly conventional bar space in front, and often have some sort of small play space in back.

More recently, lesbians, bisexuals and heterosexuals are finding increasing welcomes in leather bars (but check with your gay men friends about the vibe in any particular bar if you’re not positive that you’re welcome there). Many leather bars also help form community by sponsoring fund-raising events such as leather competitions and beer bashes to raise money for local charities.

S
UPPORT
G
ROUPS
.
If you can, we strongly recommend that you join your local BDSM club. Many large urban communities have several clubs of different orientations (gay, lesbian, het, bi, male-top, female-top, pansexual and so on); pick one or several that suit your orientation. If the only one you can find doesn’t fit you, get in touch with them and ask them what else is out there. If you’re feeling shy and having a hard time making connections, offer to do some volunteer work: get out a mailing or work the door at an event. You’ll meet lots of people, and help build support for people who are newer and scareder than you.

If you don’t have a local club, join one of the big urban ones (at least that way you’ll get to read the newsletter, and perhaps to attend an event or two during vacation time), or start your own.

If you think you are too shy to go to a support group, allow us to reassure you. Such meetings are nowhere near as threatening as you may imagine. The first Society of Janus meetings Dossie attended were held in the basement of a church: how wholesome. People at support group meetings are generally friendly and straightforward, not likely to come on with a lot of attitude or deeply in role, and what cruising there is is customarily civilized and respectful. Confidentiality is paramount – nobody is going to call up your boss or spouse and reveal your secret life, and if you run into someone from the office at the meeting... well, what is
he
doing there? And if your fantasy embarrasses you so much that you cannot imagine getting together in a room with other people who also have fantasies, remember that none of them can read your mind – so your privacy is ensured anyway.

T
HE
K
INK
C
OMMUNITIES AND
P
EOPLE OF
C
OLOR
.
Our communities are places of refuge, often the only place in our lives where we can be ourselves without shocking or enraging the people around us. We need that sense of safety, and we rely on cultural recognition signals – shared concepts, language, body language – to feel secure that we are at home among our tribe. Our community is our wildlife sanctuary where we are safe to live our wildness.

Similarly, many people – who for a variety of reasons constitute oppressed minorities within the predominant culture – have too often experienced being misread, misjudged and mistreated for being different. They rely on their own communities for a place of refuge, where it is okay to be who they are. This is particularly important for people of color, whose “difference” is inexorably visible. Several people of color told us that their first impression of the BDSM community was: “There’s nobody here who looks like me.”