The Night In Question (21 page)

“Lady?”

It’s no good. The girl won’t hear. Even now she’s bending toward him as he comes up the steps. She reaches for his cheek, to brush away the smudge he doesn’t know is there. He thinks it’s something else that makes her do it, and his fine lean face confesses everything, asks everything.
There’s no turning back from this touch. She can’t be stopped. She has a mind of her own, and she knows something Lady doesn’t. She knows how to love him.

Lady hears her name again.

Wait, sir.

She blesses the girl. Then she turns to the far-rolling fields she used to dream an ocean, this house the ship that ruled it. She takes a last good look, and opens her eyes.

F
rances had come to her brother’s apartment to hold his hand over a disappointment in love, but Frank ate his way through half the cherry pie she’d brought him and barely mentioned the woman. He was in an exalted state over a sermon he’d heard that afternoon. Dr. Violet had outdone himself, Frank said. This was his best; this was the gold standard. Frank wanted to repeat it to Frances, the way he used to act out movie scenes for her when they were young.

“Gotta run, Franky.”

“It’s not that long,” Frank said. “Five minutes. Ten—at the outside.”

Three years earlier he had driven Frances’ car into a highway abutment and almost died, then almost died again, in detox, of a
grand mal
seizure. Now he wanted to preach sermons at her. She supposed she was grateful. She said she’d give him ten minutes.

It was a muggy night, but as always Frank wore a long-sleeved shirt to hide the weird tattoos he woke up with one morning when he was stationed in Manila. The shirt was white, starched and crisply ironed. The tie he’d worn to
church was still cinched up hard under his prominent Adam’s apple. A big man in a small room, he paced in front of the couch as he gathered himself to speak. He favored his left leg, whose knee had been shattered in the crash; every time his right foot came down, the dishes clinked in the cupboards.

“Okay, here goes,” he said. “I’ll have to fill in here and there, but I’ve got most of it.” He continued to walk, slowly, deliberately, hands behind his back, head bent at an angle that suggested meditation. “My dear friends,” he said, “you may have read in the paper not long ago of a man of our state, a parent like many of yourselves here today … but a parent with a terrible choice to make. His name is Mike Bolling. He’s a railroad man, Mike, a switchman, been with the railroad ever since he finished high school, same as his father and grandfather before him. He and Janice’ve been married ten years now. They were hoping for a whole houseful of kids, but the Lord decided to give them one instead, a very special one. That was nine years ago. Benny, they named him—after Janice’s father. He died when she was just a youngster, but she remembered his big lopsided grin and the way he threw back his head when he laughed, and she was hoping some of her dad’s spirit would rub off on his name. Well, it turned out she got all the spirit she could handle, and then some.

“Benny. He came out in high gear and never shifted down. Mike liked to say you could run a train off him, the energy he had. Good student, natural athlete, but his big thing was mechanics. One of those boys, you put him in the same room with a clock and he’s got it in pieces before you can turn around. By the time he was in second grade he could put the clocks back together, not to mention the vacuum cleaner and the TV and the engine of Mike’s old lawn mower.”

This didn’t sound like Frank. Frank was plain in his
speech, neither formal nor folksy, so spare and sometimes harsh that his jokes sounded like challenges, or insults. Frances was about the only one who got them. This tone was putting her on edge. Something terrible was going to happen in the story, something Frances would regret having heard. She knew that. But she didn’t stop him. Frank was her little brother, and she would deny him nothing.

When Frank was still a baby, not even walking yet, Frank Senior, their father, had set out to teach his son the meaning of the word no. At dinner he’d dangle his wristwatch before Frank’s eyes, then say
no!
and jerk it back just as Frank grabbed for it. When Frank persisted, Frank Senior would slap his hand until he was howling with fury and desire. This happened night after night. Frank would not take the lesson to heart; as soon as the watch was offered, he snatched at it. Frances followed her mother’s example and said nothing. She was eight years old, and while she feared her father’s attention she also missed it, and resented Frank’s obstinacy and the disturbance it caused. Why couldn’t he learn? Then her father slapped Frank’s face. This was on New Year’s Eve. Frances still remembered the stupid tasseled hats they were all wearing when her father slapped her baby brother. In the void of time after the slap there was no sound but the long rush of air into Frank’s lungs as, red-faced, twisting in his chair, he gathered himself to scream. Frank Senior lowered his head. Frances saw that he’d surprised himself and was afraid of what would follow. She looked at her mother, whose eyes were closed. In later years Frances tried to think of a moment when their lives might have turned by even a degree, turned and gone some other way, and she always came back to this instant when her father knew the wrong he had done, was shaken and open to rebuke. What might have happened if her mother had come flying out of her chair and stood over him and told him to stop, now and forever?
Or if she had only
looked
at him, confirming his shame? But her eyes were closed, and stayed closed until Frank blasted them with his despair and Frank Senior left the room. As Frances knew even then, her mother could not allow herself to see what she had no strength to oppose. Her heart was bad. Three years later she reached for a bottle of ammonia, said “Oh,” sat down on the floor and died.

Frances did oppose her father. In defiance of his orders, she brought food to Frank’s room when he was banished, stood up for him and told him he was right to stand up for himself. Frank Senior had decided that his son needed to be broken, and Frank would not break. He went after everything his father said no to, with Frances egging him on and mothering him when he got caught. In time their father ceased to give reasons for his displeasure. As his silence grew heavier, so did his hand. One night Frances grabbed her father’s belt as he started after Frank, and when he flung her aside Frank head-rammed him in the stomach. Frances jumped on her father’s back and the three of them crashed around the room. When it was over Frances was flat on the floor with a split lip and a ringing sound in her ears, laughing like a madwoman. Frank was crying. That was the first time.

Frank Senior said no to his son in everything, and Frances would say no to him in nothing. Frank was aware of her reluctance and learned to exploit it, most shamelessly in the months before his accident. He’d invaded her home, caused her trouble at work, nearly destroyed her marriage. To this day her husband had not forgiven Frances for what he called her complicity in that nightmare. But her husband had never been thrown across a room, or kicked, or slammed headfirst into a door. No one had ever spoken to him as her father had spoken to Frank. He did not understand what it was to be helpless and
alone. No one should be alone in this world. Everyone should have someone who kept faith, no matter what, all the way.

“On the night in question,” Frank said, “Mike’s foreman called up and asked him to take another fellow’s shift at the drawbridge station where he’d been working. A Monday night it was, mid-January, bitter cold. Janice was at a PTA meeting when Mike got the call, so he had no choice but to bring Benny along with him. It was against the rules, strictly speaking, but he needed the overtime and he’d done it before, more than once. Nobody ever said anything. Benny always behaved himself, and it was a good chance for him and Mike to buddy up, batch it a little. They’d talk and kid around, heat up some franks, then Mike would set Benny up with a sleeping bag and air mattress. A regular adventure.

“A bitter night, like I said. There was a furnace at the station, but it wasn’t working. The guy Mike relieved had on his parka and a pair of mittens. Mike ribbed him about it, but pretty soon he and Benny put their own hats and gloves back on. Mike brewed up some hot chocolate, and they played gin rummy, or tried to—it’s not that easy with gloves on. But they weren’t thinking about winning or losing. It was good enough just being together, the two of them, with the cold wind blowing up against the windows. Father and son: what could be better than that? Then Mike had to raise the bridge for a couple of boats, and things got pretty tense because one of them steered too close to the bank and almost ran aground. The skipper had to reverse engines and go back downriver and take another turn at it. The whole business went on a lot longer than it should have, and by the time the second boat got clear Mike was running way behind schedule and under pressure to get
the bridge down for the express train out of Portland. That was when he noticed Benny was missing.”

Frank stopped by the window and looked out in an unseeing way. He seemed to be contemplating whether to go on. But then he turned away from the window and started in again, and Frances understood that this little moment of reflection was just another part of the sermon.

“Mike calls Benny’s name. No answer. He calls him again, and he doesn’t spare the volume. You have to understand the position Mike is in. He has to get the bridge down for that train and he’s got just about enough time to do it. He doesn’t know where Benny is, but he has a pretty good idea. Just where he isn’t supposed to be. Down below, in the engine room.

“The engine room. The mill, as Mike and the other operators call it. You can imagine the kind of power that’s needed to raise and lower a drawbridge, aside from the engine itself—all the winches and levers, pulleys and axles and wheels and so on. Massive machinery. Gigantic screws turning everywhere, gears with teeth like file cabinets. They’ve got catwalks and little crawlways through the works for the mechanics, but nobody goes down there unless they know what they’re doing. You have to know what you’re doing. You have to know exactly where to put your feet, and you’ve got to keep your hands in close and wear all the right clothes. And even if you know what you’re doing, you never go down there when the bridge is being moved. Never. There’s just too much going on, too many ways of getting snagged and pulled into the works. Mike has told Benny a hundred times, stay out of the mill. That’s the iron rule when Benny comes out to the station. But Mike made the mistake of taking him down for a quick look one day when the engine was being serviced, and he saw how Benny lit up at the sight of all that steel, all that machinery. Benny was just dying to get his hands on those
wheels and gears, see how everything fit together. Mike could feel it pulling at Benny like a big magnet. He always kept a close eye on him after that, until this one night, when he got distracted. And now Benny’s down in there. Mike knows it as sure as he knows his own name.”

Frances said, “I don’t want to hear this story.”

Frank gave no sign that he’d heard her. She was going to say something else, but made a sour face and let him go on.

“To get to the engine room, Mike would have to go through the passageway to the back of the station and either wait for the elevator or climb down the emergency ladder. He doesn’t have time to do the one or the other. He doesn’t have time for anything but lowering the bridge, and just barely enough time for that. He’s got to get that bridge down now or the train is going into the river with everyone on board. This is the position he’s in; this is the choice he has to make. His son, his Benjamin, or the people on that train.

“Now, let’s take a minute to think about the people on that train. Mike’s never met any of them, but he’s lived long enough to know what they’re like. They’re like the rest of us. There are some who know the Lord, and love their neighbors, and live in the light. And there are the others. On this train are men who whisper over cunning papers and take from the widow even her mean portion. On this train is the man whose factories kill and maim his workers. There are thieves on this train, and liars, and hypocrites. There is the man whose wife is not enough for him, who cannot be happy until he possesses every woman who walks the earth. There is the false witness. There is the bribe-taker. There is the woman who abandons her husband and children for her own pleasure. There is the seller of spoiled goods, the coward, and the usurer, and there is
the man who lives for his drug, who will do anything for that false promise—steal from those who give him work, from his friends, his family, yes, even from his own family, scheming for their pity, borrowing in bad faith, breaking into their very homes. All these are on the train, awake and hungry as wolves, and also on the train are the sleepers, the sleepers with open eyes who sleepwalk through their days, neither doing evil nor resisting it, like soldiers who lie down as if dead and will not join the battle, not for their cities and homes, not even for their wives and children. For such people, how can Mike give up his son, his Benjamin, who is guilty of nothing?

“He can’t. Of course he can’t, not on his own. But Mike isn’t on his own. He knows what we all know, even when we try to forget it: we are never alone, ever. We are in our Father’s presence in the light of day and in the dark of night, even in that darkness where we run from Him, hiding our faces like fearful children. He will not leave us. No. He will never leave us alone. Though we lock every window and bar every door, still He will enter. Though we empty our hearts and turn them to stone, yet shall He make His home there.

“He will not leave us alone. He is with all of you, as He is with me. He is with Mike, and also with the bribe-taker on the train, and the woman who needs her friend’s husband, and the man who needs a drink. He knows their needs better than they do. He knows that what they truly need is Him, and though they flee His voice He never stops telling them that He is there. And at this moment, when Mike has nowhere to hide and nothing left to tell himself, then he can hear, and he knows that he is not alone, and he knows what it is that he must do. It has been done before, even by Him who speaks, the Father of All, who gave His own son, His beloved, that others might be saved.”