The Not So Secret Emails Of Coco Pinchard (3 page)

Rosencrantz is equally furious. Daniel was thrown out of KOKO after leaping off a podium and attempting to crowd surf the VIP area. He landed on Peaches Geldof.

I asked Rosencrantz who Peaches Geldof is.

“She’s Bob Geldof’s daughter,” he said.

“Why is she famous?” I said.

“She’s Bob Geldof’s daughter.”

“No, why is she famous?”

“She’s Bob Geldof’s daughter,” he repeated rolling his eyes.

I received a phone call from Dorian. I have three book signings lined up and an interview on the sixth for the London FM Breakfast Show. It gets a million listeners!

I came off the phone excited, went up to the bedroom, and told Daniel very loudly all about it. He is in bed hung-over and throwing up in a bucket.

Friday 2nd January  11:35

TO: [email protected]

I drove Daniel to work. He asked if we could pick up Sophie (Snow White) on the way, from hospital!

She spent yesterday in a ward at University College London Hospital with suspected alcohol poisoning. Ironic, said Daniel, as it was the Wicked Queen who was buying her Apple Martinis all evening.

Sophie was stood waiting outside Goodge Street Station in her Snow White costume; her lips tinged black from where they’d pumped her stomach. She seemed in a mood with Daniel and barely said thanks when I dropped them off in Richmond. Maybe it’s good he is going to be off working with a more professional bunch on Whistle Up The Wind.

Afterwards I drove to Stansted Airport and picked up Marika. She looked so thin. She’s lost nearly a stone.

The village where her mum lives has no running water. When the blizzard hit on Boxing Day the bucket froze in the well. They had to break the ice on the deep end of the swimming pool and the chlorine gave them the runs.

When the road gritters made it through, Marika and her sister went to Bratislava for NYE. She went a bit wild and slept with a stripper in the corridor of the Best Western Hotel! They couldn’t get into her room, his baby oil ended up everywhere, and neither of them could get purchase on the door handle.

I took her straight home, she has to mark two hundred and fifty of her pupils GCSE science projects before term starts Monday.

She looked depressed when we pulled up outside her flat in Dulwich.

“Hello London, goodbye fun,” she said.

I have missed Marika, and you.

Saturday 3rd January  15:01

TO: [email protected]

Dear Dorian

I have been to two book signings today and both have been a disaster. I know January is a dead time for retail so I thought I might have been placed in a prominent area of the bookshop.

This morning in Bromley, I was put right at the back, in the Business section, where two people asked me if I was the old blond woman, Margaret Mountford from The Apprentice. This afternoon I trudged out to High Barnet where I was put in the Royal Interest section and a woman asked me if I was David Starkey!

I know I have short blond hair, and I was wearing my glasses but it’s no excuse. When I’m in Oxford Street on Tuesday, could you please make sure they know whom I am, and that I’m sat far away from the Art section? Being mistaken for Andy Warhol would send me over the edge.

Coco

Sunday 4th January  11:34

TO: [email protected]

The drear of January has begun. I took down the Christmas tree and put it behind the shed. Its needles had all fallen off leaving just a brown skeleton. I put it down to decoration-related stress. Daniel is working, Rosencrantz is out doing god knows what and Marika is still marking GCSE coursework.

I got bored and I did something I thought I would never do, I Googled myself.

My good reviews from The Independent, The Times and Marie Claire came up, but first on the list, and in a bigger font, was an Amazon reader review I’d never seen before:

1.0 out of 5 stars

This author should check her history books
, December 14, 2008

By,

Daphne Regis

This review is from:
Chasing Diana Spencer (Paperback Edition)

I am a huge fan of the Monarchy of the Great British (I never miss her highness the Duchess Fergie-Ferguson on Oprah.) However, I think in this book, Chasing Diana Spencer, the author Coco Pilchard has her facts wrong. She has Camilla Parker-Bowles and Prince Charles announcing their engagement in 1981? It was Lady Diana Spencer who married Prince Charles in 1981, NOT Camilla.

This author should check her history books! I recommend Andrew Morton’s Diana her true story. It’s all in there.

One star! Did Daphne from Ohio not realise that my book is a comedy, a work of satire? A re-imagining of history, at what would have happened if Camilla and Charles had been allowed to get it on. And Coco PILCHARD?

This is the first thing people find when they Google my name.

I also see that I have a ranking on amazon.co.uk scraping into the top 50 thousand at number 45,870.

I didn’t know Amazon did a book chart. I didn’t know there were so many bloody books.

Worse still, further investigation has me at number 400,034 on amazon.com.

There is also Amazon Canada, Amazon France, Amazon Denmark, and Amazon China.

Monday 5th January  11:14

TO: [email protected]

I asked Marika about Amazon, she has no clue how it works; but she says she has just discovered Ebay. Her family gave her “a load of Communist shit” for Christmas and she’s trying to flog it.

I asked Rosencrantz, who said, ‘It’s like the more books you sell the higher you like get on the chart.’ I told him I’m not completely stupid.

Then I asked Daniel on his way out of the shower this morning, but he just grunted that he had to go to work and to phone Dorian.

So, I have phoned Dorian, but he’s not taking my calls.

Having bought two copies of my own book I have gone up to 21,984 on Amazon.co.uk … but down to 500,034 on Amazon.com

Do you know any French or Chinese people?

Monday 5th January  16:33

TO: [email protected]

Dear Mr. Li

Hello, it’s Coco Pinchard (I usually order Kung Pao Chicken with Crispy Seaweed.) For many years, you have always asked, on completion of my order if there is anything else you can do for me. I can now say, ‘yes there is!’

Would you be able — please — to look up my book Chasing Diana Spencer on amazon.cn (Amazon China) and tell me if it has a good ranking and/or if it has good reader reviews? I would be most grateful.

Coco Pinchard.

Monday 5th January  17:01

TO: [email protected]

Just had this email from Dorian: -

ATTACHMENT

TO: [email protected] FROM: [email protected]

I have just returned from an exhausting day of meetings to find twelve messages from you. I assumed something catastrophic had happened but my assistant said all these queries were about your ranking on Amazon.

Coco. I am your literary agent. Not your PA.

Amazon buys from your publisher and sells your book independently. None of us, least of all me, have any influence over your position on its chart.

At your request, I have spent considerable time on new branding for your book signings and I am happy to allay your fears that you do not look like Margaret Mountford, David Starkey, or Andy Warhol.

As far as how Amazon calculates their rankings it says
on their website
:

“For competitive reasons, Amazon.com generally does not publish this information to the public.”

Now unless you have a concrete book proposal, and/or a new manuscript, please don’t waste my time.

Dorian

That Dorian can be so vicious with his words, and his fonts. I didn’t say I thought I looked like David Starkey, Margaret Mountford, or Andy Warhol. I said I was mistaken for two of them.

Mr. Li got back to me, and said that my book is ranked number 5,015,001 on Amazon.cn

He said I should view this as a proud achievement from a population of one billion. He sent over some Kung Pao Chicken, on the house.

It says something if the only person giving you constructive feedback on your career is your local Chinese Takeaway.

Monday 5th January  15:00

TO: [email protected]

Your poster on the fridge says tonight you have no evening show, do you fancy a nice Takeaway? I feel I should thank Mr. Li

Rosencrantz is off to the National Theatre with some of his drama school lot.

We will have the house to ourselves.

Monday 5th January  22:11

TO: [email protected]

I just had a row with Daniel. I pointed out that he has some grey chest hair mixed in with the black. Which incidentally looks very sexy on him, but he flipped out and said I made him feel old. He’s shut himself in our bathroom doing god knows what in the mirror, probably plucking.

I have eaten both our Chinese Takeaways and I’m still hungry.

Tuesday 6th January  20:00

TO: [email protected]

I came back early from my book signing in Oxford Street. It was cancelled due to staff paper cuts. Three of them fell foul to a rather sharp pile of Margaret Drabble’s, and due to Health and Safety, they couldn’t continue working.

When I got home, I went upstairs to get changed and there was Daniel in bed with Sophie Snow White. They were naked. Her thin legs were wrapped around his back. Nothing was left to the imagination.

Their red grimacing faces turned to me in shock. I ran downstairs and locked myself in the pantry. I couldn’t breathe. After about five minutes, there was a knock on the door. Daniel was standing there dressed.

“Coco I can explain.”

“How?” I shouted, incredulous.

“She only came for a signing lesson…I’ve been stupid.”

I grabbed a bag of flour to throw at him but it bent back in my hand and covered me instead.

“I’m going to go,” he said quietly and left.

I stayed in there for ages, the dough forming on my cheeks. Then I heard a knock at the door. I thought he had come back, but it was Marika. She had brought me a copy of Amazon For Dummies.

I told her why I was covered in flour.

“Pica! Kurva!” she shrieked, and then hugged me tight. She always swears in Slovak when it’s something really bad.

She poured us whisky and we went upstairs. Sophie’s youthful imprint was still spread-eagled on our bed. Like a dirty angel in the snow. Marika stripped the sheets and put everything in bin liners. I found some Valium that Meryl had left after Christmas and we split one in front of the telly. Sliding Doors was on BBC1 and Sky 3. It must mean something. I wish I could be the Gwyneth Paltrow who didn’t come home and didn’t find her husband in bed with another woman.

Wednesday 7th January  11:04

TO: [email protected]

Rosencrantz hammering on the bathroom door woke me up this morning. My face was stuck to the bath mat. The last thing I could remember was sitting on the toilet, swigging brandy.

“I’ve been knocking for like a couple of minutes,” he said looking at me wobbling on my feet. “There’s a car like waiting downstairs to take you to some radio interview.”

“London FM!” I trilled bolting past him. As I got to the top of the stairs, he popped his head out of the door.

“Mum, why is there, like brandy by the toilet?”

“Um, Kim and Aggie say it’s great for getting lime scale off the bowl,” I said. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“Look I’ll talk to you later.” I yelled running a wet wipe over my face and throwing on a long coat. Daniel obviously hasn’t said a word to him. Surely, the one who has the affair should break the news?

I didn’t have any time to think about it as I ran down to the car. The driver wasn’t pleased at having just twenty minutes to get me to the studio in North London and we made it with only seconds to spare.

A harassed looking Producer met me at the door.

“Have I got time for a coffee?” I said. I was still a little drunk and could feel flour in my hair.

“Sorry no,” she said. “You’re late. Vanessa has already had to extend the weather and talk about Scotland.”

She ushered me into the brightly coloured studio as I heard myself being introduced by the relieved looking host Vanessa Pigeon.

“And talking of windswept weather on the Orkney Isles,” she said. “Our next guest has just blown into the studio.”

The interview seemed to go well. Vanessa said she loved Chasing Diana Spencer and that the rumour is, I could be a potential contender for the Anne & Michael Brannigan Book Club on Channel Five!

On the outside, I was witty and engaging, if a little hyperactive. I hope that you couldn’t tell I’d just found my husband in bed with another woman?

A place on the A & M. Book Club would be an incredible ray of sunshine.

Thursday 8th January  12:01

TO: [email protected]

I just have this email from Rosencrantz:-