The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (37 page)

Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety. PROVERBS 11:14 (NKJV)

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THIS? "You're the one with the problem. I don't need counseling." The person who thinks he's always right is mistaken. None of us are perfect. All of us need help. The book of Proverbs says that "in the multitude of counselors there is safety." Why? Because other people can often bring clearer perspective to our problems. The person who refuses to seek counsel and tries to handle things on his own is often insecure. He thinks that to admit that he made a mistake is to prove that he is inadequate, and that is his greatest fear. Perhaps his father told him he would never make it, and he is trying hard to prove his father wrong.

How can you help, if you are married to this person? Give unconditional love. Speak her primary love language often. Brag on her in front of your friends, both in her presence and behind her back. Focus on her accomplishments. When she knows she is secure in your love, perhaps she will be able to admit that she's not perfect. When she does, let her know how much you admire her for admitting her failures. When she sees that her success is not dependent on being perfect, she can relax and become the person God has made her to be.

Father, it's sometimes hard for me to admit my own mistakes. Please help me to realize that pretending I'm perfect doesn't make the problems go away but just makes things worse. When my spouse struggles with this, show me how to respond lovingly in a way that builds him or her up. Help me to love unconditionally, not based on what he or she does.

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. ROMANS 12:2

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE yourself? How would you describe your spouse? Are you optimistic or pessimistic; negative or positive; critical or complimentary? Is your spouse extroverted or introverted; talkative or quiet; patient or impatient? The way you perceive yourself and the way you perceive your spouse will make a difference in your behavior and, consequently, in your marriage.

We usually speak of these characteristics as personality traits. Unfortunately, we have been led to believe that they are set in concrete by the age of five or six and that we cannot change them. The good news is that we don't have to be controlled by these perceptions. The message of the Bible is that we can change, with God's help. Romans 12:2 makes clear that if we're willing, God will transform us. He can change us at a heart level by altering the very way we think.

Here's one way to start: If you perceive yourself as being negative and critical, then practice the art of giving compliments. You might begin by giving yourself a compliment. Find something you did well, then stop long enough to say, "Hey, I did a good job with that." If you give yourself one compliment every day, before long you will change your self-perception. Do the same for your spouse, and watch him or her begin to live up to your compliments too.

You can change your self-perceptions-and the way you interact with your spouse-for the better.

Father, thank you for having the power to transform us from the inside out. I want to change the way 1 view myself and the negative ways 1 interact with my spouse. I don't want to be stuck in the same patterns. Please change me. Help me to be willing to take those first steps.

God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.... And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago.

EPHESIANS 1:5, 13

IT SEEMS TO ME that if we could understand God better, we could understand marriage better. Ever notice how God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit work together as a team? Read the first chapter of Ephesians and observe how the Father planned our salvation, the Son shed his blood to effect our salvation, and the Holy Spirit sealed our salvation. God is one within the mystery of the Trinity, and this unity is expressed in the diversity of roles needed to accomplish one goal, our salvation.

The Scriptures say that, in marriage, the husband and wife are to become one flesh. However, this unity does not mean that we are clones of each other. No, we are two distinct creatures who work together as a team to accomplish one goal-God's will for our lives. In mundane things such as washing clothes and mopping floors, or in exciting things such as volunteering in a soup kitchen or leading a Bible study, we complement each other. The husband who takes care of the children while his wife leads a Bible study is sharing with her in ministry. Indeed, two become one when they work together as a team.

Father, l am grateful for your example of teamwork. I can't fully understand the Trinity, but 1 know that your three persons work together in perfect unity. I pray for that kind of unity within my relationship with my spouse. Help us to function smoothly as a team, being generous with each other and keeping our end goal in mind. May our marriage glorify you as we do your will.

1 planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow. It's not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What's important is that God makes the seed grow. The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work. For we are both God's workers.

1 CORINTHIANS 3:6-9

TEAMWORK IS THE ESSENTIAL ingredient to a successful marriage. Think about the first command God gave Adam and Eve: to be fruitful and multiply. This command required teamwork; of course, neither a man nor a woman can make a baby alone. As teamwork is required in this basic biological goal, it is also required in the rest of marriage.

The apostle Paul wrote about the concept of teamwork in 1 Corinthians 3. He was responding to some new believers who were being divisive by proclaiming their allegiance to either Paul or Apollos. He reminded the Corinthians that it doesn't matter who completes what task if both people have the same goal. He and Apollos both did their part to share the gospel, and they left the outcome in God's hands. That's teamwork.

The concept of teamwork is especially helpful when it comes to processing daily life. Cooking meals, washing dishes, paying bills, sweeping, mopping, mowing, trimming, and driving are all things that must be done to maintain life. Who is going to do what, and how often? are the questions that lead to teamwork. If you settle these issues early on, you will save yourselves a lot of conflict later. It's certainly undesirable to wake up months or years into the marriage and realize that you have spent a lot of time fighting when you could have been spent it in productive activity.

Household tasks are not determined by gender. Some men are better cooks than their wives. Some women are better at math than their husbands and should handle the finances. You are teammates, not competitors. Why not work out a team plan that utilizes your best gifts? Remember, you're not enemies. You're on the same team.

Heavenly Father, it's easy for me to become competitive with my spouse. I'm concerned about who's doing more and focus too much on what is fair. Instead, show me how to be a good teammate. Help us to work together for the common goal of making our family run smoothly.