The Orchid House (58 page)

‘But we can make it like it was before, can’t we,
chérie
?’ he beseeched her. ‘Oh! The way we loved each other … it was so beautiful. We can find that again, I know we can.’

Julia sighed. ‘I hope so, Xavier, I really do.’

Later, he followed her to their bedroom and hovered by the door.

‘Please, Julia, let me be with you tonight. Let me show you how I can love you, and help us both remember how it used to be.’ He walked towards her and took her in his arms.

Even though there was not an iota of her that desired him, Julia steeled herself and allowed Xavier to caress and kiss her, thinking that perhaps he was right, that it might help her remember.

After they had made love, Julia lay awake next to him. The act itself had been over in seconds and Xavier had fallen immediately into a deep sleep.

If she was brutally honest, Julia had found his touch and the smell of alcohol on his breath repulsive. How could it be? Before, she had always longed for closeness, for the feel of his nakedness next to her. Love-making had been a strong part of their relationship.

But tonight … Julia turned over restlessly, unsettled by the fact that, whilst Xavier made love to her, she had been unable to stop herself thinking of Kit. His sensitive, gentle hands, there to please her, waiting until she was ready before he himself let go … the laughter that often came with the intimacy … the knowledge that she could be completely herself, that Kit loved her for who she was …

Julia checked herself. There was no point punishing herself with what might have been. Fate had decreed it was not to be and all she could do was try to accept it.

*

Julia stood in front of Arrivals at Toulon airport and saw Alicia emerge from the baggage hall. Her sister was a pinched, pale version of her former self. Julia walked over and took her in her arms.

‘Hello, Alicia. Welcome to France.’

‘Oh, Julia, it’s so good to see you …’ managed Alicia, before she burst into tears on her sister’s shoulder.

‘Come on, let’s take you home. And then you can tell me what all this is about,’ Julia suggested gently, guiding Alicia to the car.

As they headed east to Ramatuelle, Julia stole a glance at her sister, who was staring straight ahead, her hands folded tensely in her lap. ‘Can you talk about it now?’ Julia asked. ‘Or do you want to wait until we get there?’

‘Is Xavier at home?’ asked Alicia.

‘Yes,’ Julia said quietly.

‘Have you spoken to Dad yet?’

‘No,’ Julia replied, ‘I haven’t heard a word from him. As a matter of fact, I was pretty surprised he didn’t call me, given Xavier’s reappearance.’

‘Perhaps he’s had other things on his mind,’ Alicia muttered.

Julia registered the bitterness in her sister’s voice and decided not to pursue it. They drove in silence as the road started to climb upward and the vista opened before them to reveal an azure Mediterranean sea at its most majestic.

Alicia suddenly put her hand on Julia’s arm. ‘Stop the car here, will you?’ she said. ‘I need to get out.’

Julia pulled over to a bay at the crest of the cliff, which provided parking for those who wanted to enjoy the well-known beauty spot. Alicia got straight out of the car and went over to the guard rail that separated her from the steep drop to the sea below them.

Tentatively, Julia followed her. She stood next to her and leant over the guard rail. ‘It is beautiful here, isn’t it?’ she asked neutrally.

‘Dad told me three days ago that I was adopted.’

The words shot from Alicia’s mouth with a crispness that belied their emotional intensity.

Julia found that her mouth had fallen open. ‘
What!
’

‘Yes, it’s true,’ Alicia replied in a clipped voice. ‘I’m adopted. Mum had cancer when she was in her twenties, long before the bout that killed her in her forties. They thought the radiation treatment would mean she couldn’t have babies. So they adopted me. So, Mum is not my mum, Dad is not my dad, and you, Julia,’ she said as she turned to stare at her with blank eyes, ‘are not my sister.’

‘No! I –’ Julia shook her head in despair, wondering when the shocks were going to stop coming. ‘Surely this can’t be true?’

‘It is. Dad showed me my original birth certificate. Apparently, my mother, who went by the name of Joy Reynolds, was a teenager from Aylsham who got herself into trouble. I was put up for adoption by her, and Mum and Dad – or should I say, George and Jasmine – took me when I was two weeks old.’

‘But –’

‘What about you?’ Alicia read her sister’s thoughts. ‘That’s what you want to ask, isn’t it? It’s okay, Julia, you’re definitely theirs. It’s only me who’s the cuckoo in the nest.’

‘But I don’t understand, Alicia. If Mum couldn’t have babies, how come I came along three years later?’

‘Apparently it’s common for women who are childless and adopt a baby to suddenly find themselves pregnant. Something to do with the hormones the maternal instinct brings out in them,’ explained Alicia. ‘Max looked it up on the Internet for me last night and there are hundreds of similar stories. So, don’t worry, Julia, you really are of their blood. Sorry if that sounds bitter.’ Alicia reached out her hand and put it on Julia’s arm. ‘I don’t mean to be. It’s just that what I thought
was
, isn’t any more. I don’t know … who I am.’

‘No,’ agreed Julia with feeling, ‘it must be dreadful for you. I’m so very, very sorry, Alicia. And, to be honest, I can’t really understand why Dad has chosen to tell you after all this time. I mean, surely they should have done this years ago?’

‘I know,’ nodded Alicia, ‘I don’t think he was ever going to tell me. But he said he had to because of something Elsie told him.’

A glimmer of understanding dawned in Julia. This was why Elsie had insisted Julia shouldn’t share the story of her original Crawford genes with Alicia. Because, of course, it wasn’t Alicia’s heritage.

‘Anyway,’ Alicia continued, ‘it hardly matters why – he
did
. And it’s completely and utterly shattered me.’ Alicia rested her head on her arms and wept. ‘I feel completely lost.’

It was so uncharacteristic of Alicia to appear vulnerable and devastated that Julia struggled to find the words to comfort her.

‘I can understand the shock you must feel …’

Alicia put her head up and looked at Julia. ‘Can you really?’ She shook her head. ‘No, Julia, I don’t think so. My family means just about everything to me. It’s always come first, always. Remember when Mum died? I tried so hard to look after you and Dad. Even though I was heartbroken too, someone had to take Mum’s place and keep the show on the road. I learnt to cope. And you know what?’ Alicia’s eyes blazed. ‘I’ve been
coping
ever since!’

‘I’m sorry, Alicia, I really am. I didn’t realise.’

‘No, of course you didn’t,’ Alicia acknowledged. ‘You and Dad were both lost in your own worlds, then and now. The problem was, you two, my family, were
my
world. I wanted to be there for you both, it was all I had. Dad floated off collecting his plants, then you left for music college, relieved to get away from me –’

‘That’s not true, Alicia.’

‘Come on, Julia, be honest.’ Alicia’s voice had a harsh, ugly timbre to it. ‘You resented me when I was doing my best to look after you. And I think you still resent me now. Me, with my “perfect” life, always so capable … you’ve felt patronised. I don’t blame you.’ She shook her head. ‘It was my choice to take on the role. It helped me survive, bury my own pain. And I’ve been living it ever since. Always being there for everyone – you, Dad, Max, the kids – and now …’ Alicia was choked with emotion, ‘I find out it was all a bloody lie! You and Mum and Dad aren’t even my real family!’

Julia stood silently, cowed by the force of Alicia’s anger and pain. And, far worse, knowing that a lot of what Alicia said was true.

‘It wasn’t a lie, Alicia,’ she said finally. ‘We loved each other –
do
love each other – whatever our true blood may be.’

Alicia rested her head on the rail for a while then sighed. ‘Forgive me, Julia. I’ve lost the plot, I’m afraid. What a therapist would call my “coping strategies” seem to have deserted me. I feel like my life has come tumbling down about my ears. Nothing makes sense any more. Everything feels … pointless.’

Julia tentatively touched her sister’s shoulder. ‘It’s the shock, I promise. It does get better.’

‘I can’t believe Mum didn’t give birth to me,’ she whispered, ‘just some complete stranger.’

‘But then, it was the same for Mum …’

It was out of her mouth before Julia could stop herself.

Alicia looked up at Julia, her pale face streaked with tears. ‘What? You’re telling me Mum was adopted too?’

Julia nodded. ‘Yes. That’s what Elsie had to tell me. And almost certainly what she told Dad, too.’

‘My God,’ breathed Alicia. ‘Did Mum know she was adopted?’

‘No, she didn’t. Elsie said that, as far as she was concerned, Jasmine was her child and that was the end of it. And I suppose,’ Julia added softly, ‘when it comes down to it, that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?’

Alicia didn’t reply. Julia pulled back the blonde hair from her sister’s tear-stained face. ‘I can really understand how thinking you were one thing, and then discovering you’re another, can affect you. But it doesn’t change anything that really matters. The only difference between Mum and you is that she didn’t know, and now you do.’

Alicia, calmer now, looked out across the sea and sighed. ‘Knowing about Mum helps me, somehow. I think I’ve just got to get used to it emotionally.’

‘Yes,’ Julia agreed, ‘you have. And I don’t want to sound patronising, but I’ve had my fair share of shocks in the past year, so I know you just have to give it time.’

‘Yes.’ Alicia stared out across the bay. ‘I told you once that I was worried about how I’d cope with a real problem, like you’ve had to – and look at me!’ She smiled sadly. ‘I’m a wreck!’

‘You’re only human, Alicia,’ Julia said, realising guiltily she had misjudged her sister. ‘Don’t be too hard on yourself.’

‘No. That’s what Max said.’ She turned to Julia and smiled. ‘He’s been wonderful, so supportive and understanding.’

‘He’s a lovely man, Alicia. And he worships you.’

‘The problem is, I’m so used to being strong, and just now – I’m not. It must be a shock for him, after all these years, to see me so frail.’

‘Perhaps he’s enjoying the opportunity to take care of you for a change,’ Julia ventured.

‘Perhaps …’ Alicia reached out her arms to her sister. ‘I need a hug.’

Julia held her tightly.

‘Sorry about the things I said just now. I didn’t mean them.’ Alicia’s voice was muffled in her shoulder.

‘And I’m sorry I never saw how much you were hurting over Mum too. I behaved like a selfish brat when you were only trying to help. Really, you’ve been wonderful to me, especially recently. I don’t know how I’d have coped without you.’ Julia found she meant every word.

‘Well, little sis,’ Alicia broke from the hug, ‘I need
you
now. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

That evening, Alicia joined Julia and Xavier for supper on the terrace. She had taken a nap when they arrived and seemed calmer, though she still looked pale. Xavier was on his best behaviour and, with Alicia’s presence neutralizing any tension between him and Julia, they managed a pleasant evening. At midnight, Alicia yawned, and excused herself.

‘Sorry, chaps, I’ve not been sleeping well and I’ve now had too much wine on a stomach that’s been empty for the past few days. Night, and thank you so much for having me.’ She squeezed Julia’s hand. ‘I’m so glad I came.’

Xavier retired soon afterwards, leaving Julia to switch off the lights and lock the doors. It was so different to the routine she’d had with Kit, where they always shared the tasks. As she went round the house, she thought about Alicia and how she’d never taken the time to see her vulnerability beneath the surface. How, when their mother died, Alicia had constructed her life to protect herself from pain. And now the walls had come tumbling down.

Kit had mentioned it once – he had seen who Alicia really was and understood. As Julia climbed the stairs, she wished she’d had his insight. At least now she had a chance to repay Alicia for everything she had tried to do and the care she had shown. She felt a sudden warm rush of affection and love for her sister as she went into her bedroom.

Xavier had obviously concluded, after the previous night’s love-making, that he was back to being a fully entitled husband, and was spread out on the bed.

‘Your sister seemed …’ Xavier searched for the words, ‘more human, tonight. Although I couldn’t wait for dinner to be over so I could have you to myself again,
mon amour
.’ He indicated the protrusion in his boxer shorts.

When Julia sat on the bed to remove her clothes, he pulled her to him and forced her head downward.

‘No, Xavier!’ She wriggled out of his grasp then shook her head. ‘Not tonight. I am tired.’

‘But, Julia, you know how much I like it, and how soft your mouth is. It turns me on so much,’ he persuaded.

Julia ignored him, stood up and went into the bathroom.

The following day, Xavier was out unusually early for yet another interview, so Julia and Alicia enjoyed a late breakfast together. Then Julia suggested they make their way down to the quieter end of Pampelonne beach in St Tropez.

‘How completely decadent,’ said Alicia, as they settled on comfortable loungers provided by the beach bar. ‘I suppose, if one has to find out one is adopted, it’s some compensation escaping to a sister who happens to live in the South of France. Being here with you has really helped. And you’re right; finding out I’m adopted probably doesn’t make that much difference.’

‘No, Alicia, I really don’t think it does,’ answered Julia, enjoying the sun on her face. ‘And I’m so sorry I’ve been resentful of you, when you were only trying to help me. I always felt you got everything right when I got it wrong.’

‘I wish!’ groaned Alicia. ‘I’ve spent the past twenty years being so busy avoiding how I really feel, I don’t know now who I am.’