The Other C-Word (29 page)

Rick handed the cab driver some money and told him to leave. My sigh of relief was so profound that I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn’t. He lent me his arm to walk me into the empty house. It was a gallant gesture, but he only did it because he was a gentleman. Everyone was still at the club, dancing their butts off. I knew Stevie had texted Billie and Dillon and told them to keep my mom occupied, and make up a story why the rest of us weren’t there.

Rick strode over to the bookshelf in the far corner of the room, studying our family photographs. I approached him and took his hand. He didn’t squeeze my hand or even look at me, but he didn’t push me away either.

“Rick, I know you’re pissed off, but you can’t hold it against me that I couldn’t define what we had when we came to our agreement. You couldn’t either.”

“You’re right, but what I’m more interested in is what you would call it now, Marley. I’m sorry about what I said to you. I shouldn’t have said it. You didn’t deserve it. I’m frustrated because I get some very mixed signals from you, and it totally confuses me. Is it because I’m leaving that you’re scared? We can discuss that, but it seems like you never want to. Or is it something else?”

I was silent, unsure how to answer his question, which only aggravated him more.

When he spoke, his voice was curt and crisp, “Marley, I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but I think it’s best if we move on. Being with you is exasperating as hell for me. It feels like you’re a brick wall that I have to chip away at, piece by piece. I can’t keep doing it. As much as I love being with you, I’m tired of feeling rejected and isolated.”

My voice came out a whimper, “You’re breaking up with me?”

He smiled, soft and sad. “No, baby, I’m ending our verbal contract. I’m ending your sabbatical.”

He kissed my forehead and turned to leave, but I didn’t let go of his hand.

“Come to my bedroom,” I said, trying to lead him, but he didn’t budge.

“Marley, I’m not interested in fucking you right now. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but it’s true.”

“Rick I need to show you something.”

He studied me guardedly, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“I’m trying to plough through the brick wall myself,” I said pleadingly.

He came closer to me, moving me against the wall in the living room. I thought he might kiss me, but he stopped just shy of my lips. “I want answers. No passes this time.”

“What answers, Rick?”

He grabbed my wrist, holding it up to my face. “Why the hell are your wrists always red? Are you into some sort of S&M bullshit? Are you cheating on me? Why won’t you spend the night with me? Why do you have so many crazy rules?”

I moved my wrist out of his grasp. His words hurt me, especially the accusation. “How can I be cheating on you when I spend all my time with you? I can’t believe you’d make that assumption.”

“Stop answering my questions with questions. I need answers, Marley.”

“I’ll give them to you. Please come to my room. It will be easier to show you.”

He backed away and I started slowly walking up the stairs. I felt instant relief when he followed me. I opened my bedroom door and turned to him. “This is my bedroom.”

Rick glanced around the room and back at me. “What? You’re trying to tell me you’re messy? I already knew that.”

Despite the intensity, I actually chuckled. “No you jerk, look at my bed.”

He strolled over to my queen-sized bed and sat on my hot-pink sheets. He lifted up the Velcro cuffs attached to my headboard and stared at the baby monitor on the nightstand.

“What? You have a kid?”

“No.”

“Fuck, just tell me because you’re confusing the hell out of me.”

I sat beside him. I wanted to sit on his lap, but I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea. “I have night terrors, so that’s why I can’t spend the night with you.”

Rick shook his head. “You have nightmares? Are you serious right now? You don’t want to have a nightmare in front of me? Are we talking Freddy Krueger here?”

I swallowed. “Not like that, but I think they based those movies on what I have. They aren’t nightmares. That’s what everyone thinks, but they’re so much more than that. Usually only kids have them, but there are rare cases in adults, like me. I don’t remember them when I wake up the next day, and they don’t happen every night, but when they do it can be extremely dangerous. I’m very physical, and I can potentially hurt anyone who’s trying to calm me down. The thing is, I can’t be comforted in that state. The monitor is so my mom knows when I’m having one. Sometimes, I just cry and scratch myself. The cuffs are to stop me from doing that. They also prevent me from hurting someone else.”

Rick was quiet for a moment, studying the cuffs in his hands and the monitor. “Marley, isn’t there medication you can take for this?”

“Yes, I take pills, but they only help a little. If I take a stronger prescription it will block them out, but I can’t function the next day.”

He moved a strand of hair behind my ear. I was instantly relieved to feel another tender touch from him. I was waiting for him to run out of the door, and I wondered if we should have told the cab driver to wait after all. When Rick spoke, the hostility was gone and his voice was reassuring. “So, we’ll spend the night here tonight, since I won the bet, and this is where you’re most comfortable.”

I stared at him with my mouth agape. “Rick, you don’t really understand. I don’t remember these episodes, but I know they’re traumatic. I see my family’s faces the next day, and I instantly know when I’ve had one, because it’s painful for them, even more so than for me. I’m scared I might hurt you. I only spent one night away from home since they started. I was at a slumber party, and I managed to knock Cindy Lahaska’s front tooth out while she was sleeping.” I winced, remembering the event. After that, all the girls regarded me as a complete oddball. I guess in retrospect, I’d had no choice but to be a tomboy.

Rick pulled me onto his lap. “I think I’m tougher than Cindy Lahaska. I want to spend the night with you, baby. You know what I’m feeling right now?”

“I know you should be feeling like running out my front door.”

He chuckled and leaned into my ear. “No, I feel awful you have to go through this, but I’m relieved too.”

“Relieved?” It seemed like such an odd thing to say.

“Because you trusted me with this and this was the reason you didn’t want to stay with me. I thought it was because your feelings for me didn’t run as deep as mine.”

I threw my arms around his neck, gripping him tightly.

“Marley, I want to spend the night with you. I want to watch you sleep. I want to help you when you have a nightmare…er…sorry, night terror. I want to take away your pain.”

His words made the waterworks flow again and my whole body shuddered from it, but he still didn’t understand. “Rick, I know you’re thinking that you’re going to hold me, and it’ll go away. You don’t understand how it works. I’m completely…inconsolable. No one can calm me down. My family has dealt with it for years. I just have to ride it out while they make sure that I don’t hurt myself.”

“Then that’s what I’ll do. If it means I’m not able to stop it then I can accept that, but I want to be here to make sure you don’t hurt yourself. Do you trust me to do that?”

“Yes,” I said, whimpering on his shoulder.

“Marley, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“It’s not you. I just get emotional when I’m drunk.” It was definitely him, but I was afraid of being completely honest. I didn’t want to be crying like some hysterical girl. If he was serious about spending the night, he was going to see exactly how crazy I was. I’d rather save the theatrics for when I couldn’t control them.

“Are you so drunk that it would be wrong if I took advantage of you right now?” His voice radiated with lust.

“Nope, I might even let you do me in the ass,” I replied.

He breathed in deeply. “Fuck, I wish you wouldn’t have said that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I know you’re too drunk to think straight and I’m hard as hell.”

Chapter Fifteen

We spooned under the covers. I was extremely tired and anxious, not a great combination. I wasn’t even wearing my cuffs, because Rick insisted on holding me. It didn’t matter anyway, because as long as he was in the same bed as me, the cuffs couldn’t protect him. I was in my pink pyjama shorts and a tank top. He was just wearing his boxer briefs. I’d been waiting for him to fall asleep when I heard the loud sounds of my mom and sisters coming home. I listened while they all went to their respective rooms, and the house was quiet again. I tried to remain very still so he wouldn’t wake. I had no idea if Rick was a heavy sleeper or not.

Then I heard him. He didn’t move, but his whisper cut across the silence, startling me. “Are you purposely not going to sleep, Marley?”

“I’m asleep.”
Crap! How stupid was that?
People who are asleep don’t answer questions.

He turned me, so I was facing him. “Baby, the last thing I want is to keep you awake. We won’t know how this is going to work if you don’t sleep, right?” He brushed my hair away from my face.

“I’m just stressed. This is new territory for me.”

He nodded. “Let me relax you then.”

Before I could respond his mouth was on mine. It felt soft and warm against my lips. He moved down to my neck, slowly trailing kisses in his path. He lifted my shirt, taking my nipple into his mouth and suckling it. It was very relaxing. He pulled down my pyjama shorts and panties together, slowly. I lifted my pelvis to help him. I felt the sudden heat from his mouth on my apex as he slipped his finger inside me. He slowly thrust it into me. I moaned out, and as if it was a signal to him, he entered with his tongue. I started squirming, moving my legs all about until his quiet command reverberated through me, “Be still, baby.”

I felt my orgasm swiftly, but he wasn’t done. He came up to my face, trailing hot kisses on my chin and neck. He sat up on his knees spreading me out underneath him. He placed my ankles on each of his shoulders. I wasn’t even sure how I could stretch like that, but if felt good. He entered me, and it felt so deep. Rick clutched the headboard, giving more impact to his thrusts. I lunged my head back, squeezing my eyes shut, enjoying the ecstasy of this moment. “Look at me, Marley,” he whispered.

I opened my eyes and stared at his look of pure passion. His intense gaze was another point of penetration for me. “Baby, I want you to come for me…hard. I want to look at you when you do, because I think it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I love being inside you. I love watching you. Will you touch yourself for me?” His words were soft-spoken whispers, but they seemed even more commanding that way.

I moved my hands up to my breasts, and I caressed them, pinching my nipples. It was so…erotic. Rick moaned deeply but quietly.

“Thank you, Marley.”

He didn’t say anything else—he couldn’t. I couldn’t either. We moaned in synchronistical low tones, as he rocked into me until we were both completely consumed and shaking. He dislodged us slowly, removing each of my ankles from his neck. He massaged my legs, especially my ankles and calves, before lying down next to me and pulling me against his chest.

“Are you relaxed now? Will you go to sleep like a good girl or do we need to resort to counting sheep?”

I laughed and snuggled up close to him. “No sheep, I’ll sleep.”

I fell asleep in his arms. As I drifted off, it occurred to me that he was waiting for me to fall asleep first. It made me feel…cherished.

* * * *

When I woke up, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling at me, freshly showered and wearing the Nirvana T-shirt he’d given me that first Friday we’d had sex. I smelt the clean scent of mint coming from his mouth, which made me clamp a hand to my mouth, wondering if I had morning breath. “What are you doing?” I said sleepily.

“I was just watching you. I was wondering if you would wake up as beautiful as when you went to sleep, and you do.”

Hell, was he seriously romancing me right now? I could tell from the streaming light it was early afternoon already, so I wondered how long he’d been up. I had to use the bathroom, but I needed to ask him first. “How did you sleep?” It was a seemingly innocent question, but packed with desperation as I searched out his expression for any misgivings.

“I slept great,” he replied, kissing my forehead.

“You know what I mean. Did I have a terror? You have to tell me because I honestly don’t remember.” I looked over his face, moving it in my hands. I sighed in relief when I couldn’t find any bruises.

He moved my hands and held them flat on the bed, staring into my eyes. “You had one and we handled it. I’m fine, you’re fine and we’re fine. Does that answer your question?” I nodded and swallowed. He let go of my hands and I ran them down his shirt. “Oh yeah, I’m reclaiming my shirt.”

“I love this shirt.” I had worn it for every night that very first week basking in its Rick-flavoured scent. I wore it until it stopped smelling like him and kind of stunk. Then I’d washed it and lamented it ever sense.

“Don’t worry. I’ll give you plenty of chances to steal it back.” He smiled brightly, putting me at ease. The statement was the perfect thing to say because it was light and meaningful at the same time. It conveyed so much more. It meant there would be other nights with him. Rick was not terrorised by my terrors.

“I have to use the bathroom, stay here.”

I walked into the bathroom and gaped at myself in the mirror. Half of me wanted to do the happy jig because he’d survived the night unscathed, but the other half was too dismayed at my messy hair. How could he think I was beautiful when it looked like I’d put my finger in an electric socket? I washed my face, brushed my teeth and combed out the ratty mess on my head. I heard my mom and sisters downstairs, probably getting ready for lunch. That’s when the realisation hit me. I’d had an overnight guest and hadn’t asked my mom! I had no idea how she’d react, since this was new territory. I knew my mom wasn’t super traditional, but sometimes she could be, and this was so outside of the box for everyone.

I walked back into my room nervously. Rick was sitting on my bed smiling. “Rick, did anyone see you?”

“I ran into Adam on my way to the bathroom, but no one else.”

I sighed in relief. Adam had a big mouth, but I knew he would keep this from my mom. I marched over to the window and looked down. Rick stood behind me, embracing me, “What are you thinking?”

“I was just thinking how feasible it would be for you to jump out the window.” His car wasn’t here so it was a possibility I could hide my indiscretion from my mom.

He laughed. “Marley, are you serious right now? I just saw Adam. Obviously, he spent the night too.”

I turned to Rick. “This is new for me. I have no idea how my mom will react. Adam didn’t start spending the night until he was engaged to Stevie. Before that, he was our neighbour since we were little kids. His mom and my mom are best friends. Billie’s too young to have a sleepover like this. I’m just not sure how this will go down.”

Rick squared my shoulders and pulled me towards him, “Relax, Marley, if you’re that freaked out, I’ll sneak out, but I’m definitely not jumping out the window. I really value my kneecaps.”

I laughed. “I value all of your body, Rick.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Okay, so any other bright ideas?”

I reflected on it for a second. “I’ll go down and try to get my mom into the kitchen. You can sneak out the front door. The others will see you, but I think they’ll be discreet, at least to my mom.”

He nodded. “You’re really making me feel like I’m in high school again. You’re lucky I’m so crazy about you.”

“Rick, I am lucky. Thank you for spending the night with me, but even more than that, thank you for being here when I got up. Even though I’m sneaking you out right now, thank you for not sneaking out yourself.”

He tilted my chin and bent down to kiss me. “Marley, I never would.”

Rick’s statements brought sweet relief to my whole body. We could do this. We could be more than I’d ever been with anyone else. I felt it in my heart and in my head. I didn’t respond to him, because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say yet. I kissed him instead because it was easier for me to show my feelings with action, than use words.

We crept down the stairs, matching each other’s steps. I turned around and stopped him from advancing when he was at that invisible spot right before the landing. I walked over to the table as if it were a normal day. The normal cast of characters were present, except for Dillon, who I assumed was nursing a hangover. Everyone was chattering on about the previous night.

“Mom, can I see you in the kitchen?” I said loudly so Rick would hear me.

“Sure, Marley.” She started walking to the kitchen, but paused right before the door. “Marley, aren’t you going to ask Rick to join us? It’s rude to make him stand on the steps and I know I raised you better than that.”

My whole body went rigid. Rick walked down the stairs rubbing the back of his neck, looking at my mother sheepishly. “Good morning, Emmie,” he greeted.

“It’s actually afternoon, Rick. Please have a seat and I’ll get you a plate.”

I looked at the table and judging from everyone’s shocked expressions, I knew my mom was the only one aware of the male in my bed last night. I followed her into the kitchen.

“How did you know?” We had been extremely quiet and it was late after everyone had gone to sleep.

She took a plate out of the cabinet and turned to me. “Let’s just say I was monitoring the situation.”

Oh dear God! We never turned off the baby monitor!
I recalled all of the scandalous stuff he’d whispered to me while we were in the throes of passion. “Um…Mom.”

She held up her hand. “Don’t worry, I turned it off as soon as I heard that first grunt that I know didn’t come from you. I figured out pretty fast you weren’t having a night terror.”

I stared at her, not sure how to respond. Rick walked in behind me. “Emmie, don’t blame Marley, it was my fault.”

My mom shook her head and smiled at Rick, “I don’t blame either of you. Marley is an adult and responsible. I just want to ask you one question, are you being safe?”

This was kind of a hypocritical question coming from my mom, but then again, that’s probably why she’d asked it. “Yes, we have been very responsible,” Rick answered, turning a shade of crimson I’d never seen on him.

“Good, I won’t ask any more questions, but please get my permission the next time, and remember to turn off any unnecessary electrical devices.”

Rick’s crimson colour turned deep scarlet, letting me know he immediately understood how we were caught. I choked back a laugh staring at Rick’s blush, remembering all the ways he’d made me blush the last few months.

“Would you like coffee, Rick?” my mom asked him.

“No thanks, I don’t drink coffee.”

I turned to him with sheer confusion. “Yes you do.”

“No, Marley, I don’t. I’ve never liked it.”

I wondered if he’d somehow gone crazy in the night. “Rick, I brought you a cup almost every morning until you told me to stop.”

He clasped my hand and kissed my wrist. I was grateful my mom was pretending to be busy with whatever was sizzling on the stove. “Marley, I enjoyed seeing you every morning. Sometimes we were so busy it was the only time I got to see you all day, but I didn’t drink the coffee.”

“I don’t understand. The cups were always empty.”

He gave me his mischievous, boyish look. It was my favourite expression of his because it bordered on guilt and wickedness. “I threw it in that God awful planter.”

I gasped, clapping my hand to my mouth. “That’s why that plant died.”