The Other Side of Paradise: A Memoir (10 page)

“Stacey, nobody is inveigling me to do anything. So just shut up your blasted mouth and stop telling me what to do.”

“Stop telling me to shut up! Is my mouth and I can open it when me want! Why you want to go outside and dirty up yourself when you look so pretty today is beyond me!”

“How much time I must tell you? I am not pretty! Stop saying that! Before I thump you in your big fat mouth!”

“Delano, I don’t care what you say! Is a compliment me giving you—you look pretty today. Is that a big crime, that you look pretty?”

Shane takes up the call and runs with it.

“Delano, you look so, so very, very pretty! Ooh! Ooh! In your pretty shirt and your pretty pants. Delano is a pretty girl! Delano is a pretty girl!”

Delano’s face is getting redder and redder with every taunt. “Stacey, me warning you, take it back!”

“Me not taking nutten back, Delano. And you wouldn’t dare hit me today!”

Shane runs back and forth across the yard. “Delano, please don’t hit me with your pretty little fist. Not today, when your pretty mother is coming from pretty Canada!”

The chair is yanked out from under me and I look up to see Delano sailing toward me on the floor. He rips out the red clips and pulls at my dress. The ripping sound makes me scream and grab at his shirt. The buttons fly off and hit me in the face.

“Fight! Fight! Mummy, come quick! Delano and Stacey fighting.” Shane is jumping up and down with excitement.

When Aunt June arrives, we are a pile of rumples and rips on the red concrete floor. “Now there is nothing to say to the two of you. Imagine, God has seen it fit to send your mother from all the way in Canada. As I speak, she is already on her way. There is nothing to be said of man’s ungratefulness in the infinite mercy of God! Now get out of my sight! The both of you get up and go put on yard clothes. You obviously are a set of wild animals. You have no idea how to behave like decent human beings. Get up from that floor at once!”

We collect our bits and pieces and go to the bedroom to change. I put on my purple dress with the oil stain on the front. Delano pulls out an old khaki school shirt and some church pants that Grandma made into shorts because they were too short. I try to brush my hair. It looks so ugly. I wish Grandma could do it for me, but I am afraid Aunt June would see me if I go to look for her.

Delano and I do not say a thing to each other. We go back to the veranda and wait for our mother in silence. The morning passes in painful expectation. The sun on the veranda gets hotter as the day gets later. It would be cooler to sit in the living room. But we are afraid we might miss her.

The white van marked
JUTA TOURS
in big blue letters on the side pulls up a little after two. The driver, his white teeth grinning from his smooth dark face, wears a white long-sleeved shirt and black pants. He jumps from the driver’s seat and quickly opens the passenger door.

A tall woman with lots of curly bronze hair slides out. The long white dress falls softly around her slender frame. She holds the hem of the dress aloft as she turns to close the door. She is darker than I imagined and she looks nothing like Grandma. She straightens her sunglasses and stands
there for a minute, looking at the two of us standing on the veranda. Suddenly her right hand clutches her throat.

“Oh, my God! Look at my baby. I would know you anywhere. Delano Mark Anthony, you still have the very same face!” Then she is crying and holding out her arms to him. Delano stands there, rooted to the ground.

“Come here, come to your mother.” She beckons to him. He walks over to her and she envelops him. I stand aside, watching the embrace.

“You too,” she invites, “you can come too.”

My mother smells like talcum powder and coffee beans. Her arms are tight, but I do not feel as if she is holding me. I stand very still while her long red nails make scratching sounds on my back. Her toenails are the same color as her fingernails. She smells like something else, but I cannot think what it might be. Something else, like Christmas fruits soaked in rum and sugar. I don’t know if I like that smell, so I stop breathing. She hugs us for a long time. I can’t wait for her to let me go. Her belt buckle is pressing into my forehead and my neck hurts from the way she is squeezing my head.

Finally she lets go. I inhale deeply and marvel that I could hold my breath for that long. She whispers something to the driver, who immediately unloads the van. There are bags and bags and bags of things. The driver puts the bags in the living room. He asks for a drink of water. Aunt June sends Samantha to get it. He drinks all the water without taking the glass from his mouth before he nods to Mummy and drives away.

She hurries us inside. “Now, June, can you please tell me, where is my mum?”

It takes me a moment to figure out that she is asking for Grandma.

“She round the back, washing,” I say.

“No! No! No! She cannot be doing laundry at a time such as this! Please go and get her, now! Right now. Tell her she has to come and greet me this very minute!”

She sinks into the couch and rubs her forehead. “I cannot believe my mom is doing laundry! I have not seen her in ages, and she is too busy with laundry!”

Quicker than anyone expects, she begins to open bags. Aunt June offers her a drink of sorrel.

“Oh, June, sorrel is so sweet. I’m convinced those things are not good for anybody.”

“Hazel, you want the sorrel or not?”

“No, thank you, June. I’m afraid it might give me a headache. Now, where is my beautiful son? I have brought him something very special!” She reaches down into a bag and pulls out a small black box.

“Is this a camera? Does it have real film? And is mine? Thank you, Mummy! Thank you very much!” Delano cannot contain his joy. “You see this, Stacey? You see me new camera?”

“Yes, Delano. Is very, very nice fi true.”

“Oh, Staceyann, don’t be so jealous. I brought you something wonderful too.”

Just then, Grandma walks into the living room.

“Oh, Mother! Mum! Oh, my God, you are a sight for sore eyes!”

She falls upon Grandma. Grandma pats her, the way she pats me when I want something I cannot have. My mother is pressing her face into Grandma’s chest. “Mum, it is so good to see you! How are you?”

I can see that Grandma cannot understand her. She is talking too fast and her mouth is too far from Grandma’s face. But Grandma nods and pats her again.

“I have lots of dresses for you. And I know you adore hats. Are you still into hats, Mum?”

Grandma is just nodding and nodding and nodding.

She hands Grandma a big bag of clothes and tells her, “These are all for you. I shopped very carefully for you. I wanted you to know how much you really mean to me. Even with all the distance, you mean the world to me, Mum!”

Grandma takes the bag and pats her again. “Hazel, I have some washing to finish up. So me soon come back. And I thank God up in heaven fi sen you come back, so me can see you before me dead!” Grandma is wiping tears from her own eyes.

“Okay, Mum. I know it must be hard for you to be so emotional. And I don’t want to mess up my face again, so go. Go and finish your laundry. I understand. Okay, so where are we now? Yes, we are opening the gift for my little princess.”

It feels like the sun is shining on just me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I shift my weight from leg to leg and watch while she finds the appropriate bag. She reaches into the largest bag and pulls out a doll. It is almost as tall as I am. The large blue eyes stare emptily at me. The smooth pink skin is hard and cold to the touch. The dress it is wearing
is too short. And she is wearing red high heels. She looks like Jezebel. “Mummy, you didn’t bring me any books?”

“Staceyann Chin, do not be ungrateful! I spent the last two days looking for that doll. And it cost me a pretty penny, I’ll tell you! Much more money than I could have paid for any book!”

I do not care how much the doll cost. It is ugly and is dressed like a fallen woman. I want to throw the doll on the floor, but I am afraid to make her angry, so I hug the doll and tell her I love it.

Delano and I get lots of new things: shorts sets, dresses, a pair of bright red pajamas, and hair clips—everything but shoes. She did not know our foot sizes, so she couldn’t buy us any shoes. Shane and Samantha get a few things too. But not any clothes.

“I don’t think any of these will fit you guys. Both of you are so much bigger than Staceyann and Delano. I bet you both like your hamburgers, don’t you? But I have plenty of hair clips and socks. You are both welcome to have some of those.”

Mummy hugs us every time she hands us a new gift. “Come here and give your mother a big thank-you hug.”

Every time she holds me, she exclaims, “You are as thin as a pin! You could be a runway model! What in God’s name do you eat? You can’t eat anything and be this slim!”

After she says it a few times, Aunt June gets upset. “Hazel, in the nine years you leave these children with Grandma, you ever send one red cent to buy a piece of bread to feed them? You are damn out of order to come here passing remarks about them being fat or thin!” Aunt June gets up from her chair and stands over Mummy. “Hazel, I will let you know this much. You can fool them children with your antics, but I have the power of God in my eyes. I see straight through everything you trying to run from. You do not give a damn about these two children. Not one cent, eh, Hazel, and you know that Grandma was not working. And you know how Jamaica is for poor people! Is not like you never used to live here!”

Mummy begins to pack up the bags of things.

“Look at me, Hazel! When was the last time you go to bed knowing what your children have eaten for dinner? When?”

“June, you are so melodramatic. I think of them every day! Not a night goes by when I am not worried sick about my babies!” Her voice is screeching and odd.

“Well, if such is the case, and you are worried about them being so thin, take them. Take them and go feed them yourself.”

“Don’t be silly, June, what would I do with two small children?”

Aunt June and Uncle Harold turn away from her.

“June and Harold, I do care about them! I do! I do! I think of them all the time!”

They do not believe her, but I believe her. I feel sorry for her.

“I understand, Mummy. I think about you all the time, too.”

She looks at me and bursts out crying. “Oh, Ma Chérie, I know that you do, and I appreciate it so much.”

This time when she hugs me, it feels good. And I am glad that she remembers my middle name. I did not even know the correct pronunciation till she said it. It sounds really pretty on her tongue, like I am somebody special, somebody from somewhere else.

When she stops sobbing and raises her head, her eyes look funny. Like somebody had punched her in both of them at the same time. “Staceyann, is my mascara running?”

I have no idea what she is asking, but I nod.

“Okay, then, let me run to the loo to fix my makeup.”

When she comes back, she covers her face with her hands and screams, “Ma Chérie, don’t look at me. The light in that bathroom is awful. I must look like a scarecrow. I have no idea how June puts herself together in such a small dark place.”

She pats her eyes with tissue paper and sits on the couch. “Now, my darlings, come and sit beside me and tell me what great adventures you two have out here in the country!”

Delano tells her that he gets groceries from his father every month. “Oh, Delano, that takes such a weight off my mind. I am so glad he is taking good care of you.”

She looks so pleased that I want to tell her something about me. I settle for telling her about Nancy Drew. “Mummy, I can finish a whole Nancy Drew in just one week.”

“Oh, Chérie, I am so glad you like learning about other places! Are you learning another language in school? Can you speak any French? Everyone speaks French in Canada. French Canadians are so sophisticated. Not like Americans, who can only speak one language.”

“No, Mummy. But I read the stories in the Bible. They tell you a lot about Egypt and Jerusalem and Bethlehem.”

“Staceyann, I hope you two are not getting too caught up in this church business!”

“No, Mummy! Delano have a lot of friends at church, but I don’t like church at all. Sometimes I wish I could stay home and read, but Aunt June make us go every Sunday!”

“Staceyann Chin! I am ashamed of you. No one can make you do anything. You are your own person. You have to decide what is right for your own life. And June is not in charge of you, I am. And when I am not here, your grandmother is. Don’t forget that!”

“Yes, Mummy.”

“Now stay here while I go and say a few things to June. She believes she can do as she wishes with my children. Well, I am here to tell her she can’t!”

The rest of the day is quiet. We all sit in the living room. Delano snaps pictures of Shane. I comb the yellow hair of the giant dolly.

At about five o’clock the white van comes back. My mother calls me to her and whispers that she has one more special gift for me. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a little box with a gold bow on the top. She opens it and empties out the finest gold chain with the tiniest cross pendant into her palm. I turn around while she places it around my neck.

“Now, Ma Chérie, this chain is a symbol of my love. As long as you have it, you will know that you are my daughter, and that I love you.”

The fine gold chain makes me feel like I am the most beautiful thing in the world. The little cross rests cold on my collarbone. Mummy climbs gracefully into the passenger seat of the van and yawns. “My darlings, my darlings, this has been a wonderful day! It was so lovely to see both your beautiful faces.”

She pulls us to her bosom one last time. And then, in a hot wave of blown kisses and perfume, my mother rides away.

Both of us stand watching the van disappear.

“Delano, I did think she was going to stay with us.”

“That is what I was telling you. You can’t think anything. People do what them do and you can’t do nothing about it.”

“You think she going to come back tomorrow?”