The Other Side of Paradise: A Memoir (9 page)

Grandma nervously searches my face. I kick the dress and she raises her right hand to heaven. “Lord Jesus Almighty! This child ungrateful, eh?”

Auntie Ella is kinder. “Staceyann Chin, this dress looks as if it was made for you!”

“But it wasn’t made for me, Auntie Ella. It was made for Annmarie and you can see that she don’t want me to wear it!”

Annmarie crosses her arms over her chest. “You are absolutely right. I don’t know why I have to give away that dress. It doesn’t even fit her right!”

I kick the dress again. “I didn’t want it anyway! You can take back your stupid stain-up dress!”

She stomps over to me and points her finger in my face. “My dress is not stupid! Is my favorite dress, and if you think it is stupid you definitely don’t deserve it!”

“Annmarie, please take you finger out of my face before—”

Auntie Ella steps between us. “Annmarie, be quiet! Stacey, it is getting late. You need to get dressed. Pick up this dress and put it on.”

I straighten the waistband of my panties and fold my arms over my
chest. Delano steps out onto the back veranda. Annmarie stoops and picks up the dress. “Mummy, she obviously does not want the dress. Can I go and put it back in the closet?”

“Annmarie, give the dress to Staceyann.”

“Even if she doesn’t want it, Mummy?”

Auntie Ella immediately launches into her. “Annmarie, she does want it. But she is ashamed to take it because you do not want to part with it.”

I tap my shoes on the patterned tiles and try hard not to cry.

Auntie Ella puts her arm around Annmarie. “Look how much God has given to us, Annmarie. The Bible tells us to cast our bread upon the water and it shall come back to us sevenfold. You have to learn to give cheerfully to those who are less fortunate. The dress is too tight for you. It fits Staceyann so beautifully. It would be a sin not to give it to her.”

“But, Mummy—”

“End of discussion, Annmarie Lawson. I never thought I would have a child who could be so self-serving. The poor child has nothing to wear on her back, nothing, and you would begrudge her something that is of no use to you. We are going to have to talk about this attitude, young lady. Now get out of my sight before the Devil gets the better of me this holy Sunday morning.”

“Ella, you want her to wear it to church this morning?” Grandma quietly offers the question. She fetches the dress and hands it to me. She did not hear the details of the conversation, but she knows that I no longer want the dress.

“Stacey, remember Proverbs fifteen, verse one?
A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.
Lord, child, you have more joys than sorrows to give thanks for this morning. Now pick up you face from off dat floor and go put on the dress in the bathroom! And make sure you don’t stay too long. Everybody have on them clothes already!”

Alone in the bathroom, I wonder if Auntie Ella will send me back to the country if I don’t take the dress. I don’t want to leave the color TV and the telephone and the shiny blue toilet to go back to Aunt June and her black and white TV. And Racquel said her birthday party is going to have a big cake from a bakery. I had better do as I am told so I can stay and enjoy all the wonderful things in Kingston. And maybe Annmarie will feel better about the dress after church.

I slip the dress over my head again. The fabric scratches my skin as I make my way to the bedroom. I avoid Annmarie’s eyes and do my best to concentrate on Auntie Ella and Grandma.

I
don’t realize that five weeks have gone by until Grandma says we leave for Westmoreland in two days. It feels like we just arrived two days before. I wish I could stay with Auntie Ella forever. I hug Racquel when she gives me a red plastic heart that folds in two with both our names written in it. I put the heart in my Bible so I won’t lose it. Auntie Pam gives me a pair of navy blue socks and two shiny blue ribbons to match my school uniforms. She gives Delano two pairs of silky brown school socks.

On the morning we are leaving, Auntie Ella gives us each a stack of notebooks and a box of pencils. She hugs me long and close. I start crying. “Auntie Ella, I don’t want to go. Please, can I stay here with you?”

“Oh, Staceyann, Staceyann, Staceyann…” I hug her closer and sob harder. “Listen to me, Staceyann, remember that Christ is the captain of your ship and that you are second in command. You are a bright and determined child. With God’s help you will go very far. You hear me?”

I nod and stifle a hiccup. “Yes, Auntie Ella.”

“Your mother was the same way. She was not easily frightened. You have the same spirit. You just have to make better choices, okay?”

I nod and she hugs me again. “There, now, things are not so bad. How about a little smile?” I want to come back next summer, so I stretch my mouth into a weak smile. She hugs me again and tells me to go with God.

The return trip on the train feels longer than it took coming to Kingston. Delano and I do puzzles and take turns sleeping restlessly on Grandma’s lap.

When we get there, Uncle Harold is already at the train station in Montpelier. He nods at Grandma and tells us to get in the car. “Make haste, children. I am severely pressed for time.”

At home, nobody asks anything about our trip to Kingston. When I attempt to tell Samantha about Racquel, she says, “Kingston is nowhere. Kingston is still in Jamaica. Mummy’s sister, Aunt Inez, lives in Kingston. Now, if you went to America, that would be something to talk about.”

In September, Delano and Shane start extra lessons after school to prepare for the national Common Entrance Examination in January. If they pass, they get to go to high school. If they don’t pass, they have to stay in school and do the exam again. If they don’t pass on the third and final try, then they have to go to a secondary school. If you go to secondary school, you will have no future ahead of you.

Every day the boys do Mental Ability drills. I wish I were doing the Common Entrance. I know I could pass. I look at the problems in Delano’s English workbook and I can do some of them without asking anybody to help me. They work at the dinner table until late at night. They have no time for police-and-thief and cricket. Samantha and I are not good at playing by ourselves, so we read at the table while they work. When we are done with all the books on the shelf, we read them again. Aunt June says I am going to ruin my eyes reading all the time with the book right up to my face.

The boys study all through the holidays. Aunt June makes them do some math exercises even on Christmas day. Shane asks why they can’t take a day off. Aunt June calls all of us together. “When the government or the man on the street can take your house or your car or even your money, no one can take a good education away from you. What you have inside your head is yours and yours alone. Long after everything else has passed away, your education will serve you.”

Delano says he knows that he will pass for Cornwall College in Montego Bay. That way he can see his father every day when he goes to school.

Finally the day of the exams arrives. Delano and Shane wear new khaki shirts. School is closed for the rest of us that day. Samantha and I spend the day reading. I can hardly concentrate on the words. Every time I finish a chapter I check the clock. I cannot wait until Delano and Shane get home. Aunt June says, “Make sure not to bother those boys when they come home. They have had a big day. They just need to rest.”

Uncle Harold picks them up. Delano says it was very easy. Shane says he is sure he passed with very high marks. They are both certain they are heading off to high school in September. Aunt June says that she hopes that when the results come out the examiner feels the same way. When we play dolly-house or train-wreck or police-and-thief that is all we talk about: the size of the building of their new school, the bus they will take
to get to Montego Bay, the shoes they will have to wear, the books, the tests.

When the results come out, the names of all the students who pass are printed in the
Jamaica Gleaner
. Delano has passed for Cornwall College. I am bursting with excitement and pride when I see my brother’s name in the national newspaper. I feel as if I have passed the Common Entrance myself. I underline his name so I can find it again on the long list of children who have earned full scholarships to high school. We look and look and look, but Shane’s name is not there. Aunt June does not say a word to Delano. Nobody else makes a fuss about him either.

All day, Aunt June just goes on and on, “Delano was behind in every subject when he came from Lottery! He could not even write his own name that well. And you let him come here and pass that exam before you? Shane Jennings, I am so ashamed of you.”

Grandma does not understand what is happening. I do my best to explain. “Grandma, Delano pass the Common Entrance! That mean him brighter than the children who don’t pass. Him have to go to high school now!”

“But how him go reach Montego Bay every day? Him one can’t travel so far!”

“Yes, Grandma. The teacher say that Delano is very bright. Him can do anything by himself! And Miss Allen son go every day. And him Chinaman father will pay the bus fare and buy uniform fi him. You just have to tell him that Delano is very, very bright.”

I am jumping up and down so much that Grandma smiles. “Well, if is education, me will have to go to him father. And you say Miss Allen son go there too? P’raps them can travel together.”

“Yes, Grandma. And him have to get a big schoolbag. The books for high school is big, big. And him need a folder, with folder paper, and a geometry set. Him need a whole heap of things!”

I am so happy that Delano is going to high school. If he goes, then when I pass I might get to go too. There is no father to pay for my bus fare, but something could happen. Grandma says you must have faith.

Delano is very quiet. I don’t understand why. He should be excited about Cornwall College High. He will wear red and yellow epaulets on each shoulder and carry a T-square and geometry set to classes. Everybody will have to give him time alone to study. You cannot study if people
are always asking you to do this and that. And best of all he doesn’t have to be in Bethel Town all day.

“Delano, you not happy that you going to school in another big town far away from here?” I grab his arm and shake him. “You not happy you going to high school?” He shrugs me off and walks away. I have to run to keep up with him. “Delano, you must feel good that you did better than Shane! That mean that you brighter than him fi true!”

He stops abruptly, and I bump into him. He grabs my shoulder and whispers, “Stacey, is not a good thing that I pass and Shane don’t pass. You see how Aunt June vex with me—” He pushes me roughly. “I don’t know why I am saying anything to you. You is such a damn fool sometimes! I wish it was me that never pass!”

I don’t care if Delano is not happy about passing. Even if Shane failed, I am glad my brother’s name appeared in the national newspaper. That way everybody will know that even if your mother runs away and leaves you, you can do well, even better than somebody whose teacher-mother is here with him every single day.

O
n the first day of July, Uncle Harold calls Delano and me aside to tell us that his sister, Hazel, has decided she is coming to Bethel Town from Canada. At first I do not understand why he is talking to us about his sister. Then I realize he is talking about our mother. My mother. My own mother is coming back to Jamaica. “Jesus Christ Almighty, Delano! Him talking ’bout Mummy!”

I can’t imagine what it will be like to have a mother from Canada come back for you. “Delano, you know what that mean? It mean we going to move from this house! It mean our own mother coming to take us out of Bethel Town! That mean we not going to live with Aunt June and Uncle Harold anymore! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!”

Delano grabs my hand and drags me to the back of the house. He lowers his face and looks me straight in the eye. “Stacey, listen to me! You are nine years old—and that is big enough to understand how things go. If you not careful you could mash up everything! Now, promise me you not go do anything to spoil things for me! Promise me!”

“Delano, you never hear what Uncle Harold say? You don’t have to worry ’bout them anymore. Them can’t do anything else to we now! We own mother coming!”

“Stacey, just shut up and promise me you not going to be rude to nobody till she come!”

“Delano, don’t tell me to shut up. You is not me mother!”

He squeezes my wrist and twists my arm behind me. “Stacey, if you do anything to make Aunt June or Uncle Harold vex with us, I go beat you up every day till we dead! You hear me? Now promise!”

The burning in my shoulder forces me give in. “All right! All right! Me promise!”

“You better!” He releases my arm and pushes me away from him.

“Delano?”

“What?”

“You think she going to carry us to go to Canada?”

Delano sighs. “Stacey, I do not know. We just have to wait and see. But I know one thing. If you don’t behave yourself she not carrying you anywhere.”

I don’t believe him, but I don’t want to argue.

“Delano, you think Uncle Howard tell her that you pass? I think she going to bring a lot of things for you. She might bring your T-square for high school.”

“Stacey, just wait, nuh? Suppose she don’t have no money?”

“Delano, you must be a big fool. Everybody who live in foreign have money!”

“No, that is just people from America. And is who you calling fool? Don’t ask me nutten else, then.

“All right. I am only telling you this one time. If you do not behave yourself, them could send and tell her that we rude and she might not come! So is important that you don’t get in no trouble. She will be here in two weeks. Can you behave yourself till then?”

“All right, Delano! Is not just your mother, you know! She is my mother too!”

“All right, then! Since nobody can tell you anything, just lef me alone till after she come!”

That evening I think about my mother as I wash my dirty feet. I pull Delano’s old blue T-shirt over my head and wonder if she will bring me new blouses with the tags still on them. She must be very beautiful. People who have been on planes are always good-looking. I wonder if the plane makes them pretty or if you have to be that way before they let you on. I hope they will let me get on the plane to go back with my mother.

The next day seems to pass in slow motion. We try to fill it by doing extra chores. Delano rakes the yard before anybody tells him. He feeds the pigs, moves the goats, and gets the eggs without Shane. I wash my panties as soon as I take them off. I sweep the floors and I make sure to say thank you and please to Aunt June for everything. At the end of
the day, we watch TV in the living room while Aunt June sews on the veranda. During the news, she sends me to get her scissors from her bedroom. I immediately dash to fetch them and sprint back before she lays out the cloth for cutting. She smiles and takes the scissors from me. She does not say anything.

I smile and say, “Thanks very much, Aunt June.”

“Eh, eh! Is what you thanking me for? What happened to you? You swallowed the book of unnecessary manners?”

“No, ma’am! Sorry ’bout that, Aunt June.”

I stand there, hoping for another request. “Beg pardon, Aunt June, you need the pincushion too? Is right there on the bedside table. You want me bring it for you now?”

“No, I do not need any pins. Don’t you have anything to do but stand there making an ass of you-self?”

“Sorry ’bout that, Aunt June. What about the bag of threads? You don’t need them now? I could bring the black threads, or the yellow ones—any color you want, I can just bring it right now, quick, quick!”

“Child! Move from in front of me and stop being a blasted idiot!”

“Yes, Aunt June. I going round the back right now.”

In public I am invisible. No matter what is said, if it was not directed at me, I keep my mouth shut. In Sunday school I only respond to the questions Miss Pearle, the Sunday school teacher, asks me to answer. And I only answer with what is in the Bible.

“Staceyann, according to St. Paul’s letter to the Romans, what is the wages of sin?”

“Death, Miss Pearle, St. Paul says the wages of sin is death.”

“Good. Now, who else can tell me what is the gift of God?”

I know the answer, but she did not ask me, so I only say the answer in my head.
The gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Miss Pearle leans to the left and taps her stocking-clad right foot, waiting for a response. A few of the girls scurry for their Bibles. The fine turning of the thin school-issued Bible leaves rustle. I bite my bottom lip and tuck my hands under my armpits when the other students look at me.

Miss Pearle quickly rises to the occasion to preach. “Well, children, all of you are surely moving at top speed on the highway to hell! If you do not know the holy gift of God, you do not deserve his infinite mercy! The generous and everlasting gift of God is eternal and heavenly life
in Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior! Life, forevermore—no more death and disease, children, just life everlasting—forever and ever, buried in the bosom of the Messiah! At the right hand of Jesus we will sing and shout the victory!”

I really want to tell her that St. Paul’s letter to the Romans did not say all of that, but I hold my tongue.

At home we are gracious to Samantha and Shane. We pity them. They do not have a mother coming from abroad. We only talk about her in private. Delano is certain that our mother is better looking than Aunt June. And because she is not a Christian she should be even prettier than Auntie Ella, who only lives in Kingston.

July the eleventh. Grandma said she is coming on Saturday, July 11. On the morning of the tenth, Uncle Harold calls Delano and me out to the veranda. His English Leather aftershave tickles my nose when he squats to deliver his spiel. I lean away from him as his voice booms out at us. “Children, I want you to be vigilant of how far you have come from the barbarism of your previous life. While my sister is in this house, please restrict your conversations to standard English. You will find that though she is your mother, she is a woman of remarkable class and high culture.”

He takes me by the shoulder and pulls me toward him. “Do you comprehend these charges, Staceyann?” I don’t understand what he is asking me, but I want him to let me go, so I nod vigorously.

“Don’t shake your head at me. You are not a dog. Do you understand what I have asked of you, young lady?

From that close, the bumps in his beard look like marbles under his skin, and his breath smells like rubbing alcohol and eggs.

“Yes, Uncle Harold.”

He releases me and stands to his full height. He adjusts his belt and puts his arm around Aunt June. “Well, we have done all we can for you children. The rest is in your hands.”

Aunt June steps away and sucks her teeth. “I really don’t know anything about class, culture, nor what
we
have done for anybody, but the rest is certainly in their hands.” Uncle Harold carefully examines his shiny black police boots.

Aunt June does not look at him, she just looks at us and says, “Just try not to embarrass me in front of any of the strangers she might bring.”

I wonder whom else she might bring. I know people always bring
things
from America. But I had never heard of anybody bringing
people
.

After Samantha and Shane fall asleep, I broach the subject with Delano. “Lano, who you think she could bring?”

“Stacey, you really getting stupid now! She could bring anybody! She could have a husband, or other children, or her friend them from Canada, or people from Montego Bay, or even my father.”

I never considered that she might have a husband or other children. “What you mean, she have other children? She don’t have no other children! She have us! We is the children she have! Me and you. Okay, maybe she can have a husband. But no children!”

I am silent for a minute. Then I am angry at Delano for suggesting it. “And why she would bring your stupid father? Him don’t live in Canada! Him just live in Montego Bay!”

“Shh! Stacey, don’t talk so loud!” He puts his hand over my mouth. “Listen, her plane landing in Montego Bay, and my father live in Montego Bay. So him might just pick her up from the airport. And who knows, maybe she will marry my father and then we can live in Montego Bay or all of we can go straight to Canada.”

I bite his hand and push him off. “So why you think my father not picking her up? My father live in Montego Bay too! Suppose she want to marry my father!”

He looks at his nails and then smiles before he answers. “Well, nobody really know exactly where your father is. And I think him married already. And him don’t want anything to do with you. Otherwise, him would send things for you, like my father send for me. But don’t worry, man—if she get married to my father, you can come live with us. But only if you learn to keep your clappers shut sometimes, all right?”

I pull the covers over my head and turn my back to him. The sheets smell of blue soap and the mothballs from the dresser drawer. I like that smell. I hope the sheets in Canada smell like mothballs. Minutes later I hear him breathing deep and even beside me.

I lie awake, thinking about my father. To have me, my father must have committed adultery. Psalm 51:5,
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me.
I wish I could go ask my father why he did not marry my mother. Just show up at his house one day. Maybe he is not even married. Maybe he is just waiting for my mother to come and marry him and take him to Canada.

On the morning of the eleventh no one has to wake us. We finish making the bed, and Delano asks for a time check. I look at the clock in the living room and report, “Seventeen minutes past seven o’clock.”

Delano heads out to the pigpen. Pigs fed, goats moved, and eggs collected, we shovel breakfast down our throats. I scald my tongue on the hot cornmeal porridge, but I don’t complain. Samantha and I clear the table, while Shane and Delano rake the front yard. Aunt June orders baths for everyone. Grandma pulls out my red dress with the polka dots. I sit in my white panties while she combs my hair. To make sure the part is straight, she runs the comb from the tip of my nose up over my forehead. She measures the weight of the two puffs and makes minute adjustments to ensure the part is just right. Then she oils the white line of visible scalp with Vaseline. Aunt June has given permission for me to use Samantha’s hair clips. Water is sprinkled over the top of my head and the hair is brushed until smooth. The two red bubble clips are used to secure the hair. A perfect braid hangs behind each ear. I like when Grandma makes the two plaits fall down the sides of my head. I feel very grown-up.

Grandma sends me for the dress. “Bring it come to me, I don’t want you to fuzz up your hair!”

She carefully slips the dress over my head, zips me up, and smoothes my hair again. I put on my blue socks and tie the laces of my brown school shoes. I feel like a princess when Grandma gives me her handkerchief with the yellow flowers embroidered around the edges. I pass through the living room on my way to the veranda. Aunt June stops sewing when she sees me. She pushes the needle in the pincushion and claps her hands. “My Lord! What a thing when dish towel turn tablecloth! Turn around and let me see you!”

I twirl and she whoops some more.

“You are a puss in boots today, Miss Ma’am! I hope for your sake that woman show up today!”

I trip and just in time catch myself from falling. “She coming, Aunt June! Uncle Harold says so!”

Aunt June picks up her needle and jams it into the cloth. “Well, if your Uncle Harold says so, it must be so, right?” Her face gets serious. “Now go on outside. But stay on the veranda. I know you cannot stay clean if you are in the yard.”

I take my position on the red veranda. As soon as my mother comes
through the gate, I will see her. Moments later, Delano arrives in his yellow dress shirt and black pants. His hair is wet and greased and parted to the side. He looks like a wet rat. But I tell him he looks very pretty.

“Who you calling pretty? Boys are not pretty! Boys are handsome.”

“Okay, Delano, you look very, very handsome.”

We sit in the blue and white plastic patio chairs and wait. Samantha and Shane play cricket in the yard. Shane is winning. Soon he is bored and calls out, “Delano, come play with me, nuh? This girl-cricket is foolishness. She can’t even bat, much less bowl to me!”

“Delano cannot come out there to play no cricket with you. Him will get dirty before we mother come for us!”

Shane throws the ball at me.

“Who ask you nothing, Miss Mouth Almighty? I was talking to Delano, not you.”

“Shane, it don’t matter who you was talking to, him cannot play today.”

Delano kicks the ball back to Shane. “Staceyann Chin, why you can’t just shut up? Him was asking me. And I can play if I want to. But me don’t want to play now.”

“Delano, sometimes you are such a follow-fashion! Why you would let him inveigle you to go and dirty up your clothes when you know your mother is coming from Canada? You are a disgrace to anybody who look at you!”