The Other Side of Paradise: A Memoir (20 page)

And I don’t like the way Pastor Gentles keeps looking at me.

It is the first Sunday of the month, so I have to wait for Auntie while she takes Communion. Glen stays inside with her. I am not baptized yet, so I cannot take Communion. I tell her I am going to wait outside and she looks at me like she wants to hit me, but she just grabs Glen’s hand and moves closer to the front. I make my way to the wall outside, but the sun is too hot. So I steal into the vestry. I hear the droning voice of the congregation singing. They sound like a thousand bees. Pastor Gentles delivers the benediction and the whole church says, “Amen!”

I know it will take Auntie a while to get out. She has to ask everybody how is the knee and did the pressure go down before she is ready to go home. I lie down on the table and pull my knees up to my chest. My dress falls away from my legs and my bottom. I am enjoying the freedom of my almost nakedness in God’s holy vestry so much I do not hear the door open. I look up to see Pastor Gentles watching me from the doorway. He motions for me to be quiet as he closes the door behind him. He slides
the lock closed. I force myself to sit up slowly. Inside my head I am humming “Rock of Ages.” He walks right up to me and tells me he has been waiting to tell me something for quite a while now. I fiddle with my Bible and hymnal and straighten my dress.

I hold my breath and wait for him to continue.

His palm on my head is very gentle. “Stacey, the Lord has laid it upon my heart to tell you that he sees promise in you. He has blessed you with a pleasing countenance so you can serve him well. Your body is the body of the Lord! You must learn to surrender it to him. That is why you are not baptized yet. You do not know how to surrender. Let me show you how…” He puts his hands on my head and slides them down my back. Then he grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me to him. His breath smells like sour milk. The scent turns my stomach. He pushes me back and places his hands on my breasts. “Praise be to God, little sister! You have the most glorious breasts I have ever seen on a girl your size!”

Suddenly something about him seems small and weak. I use all my strength to push him away from me. My heart is pounding, but I am not afraid of him. I pick up the hymnal and point it at him. “Pastor Gentles, if you ever come near me again, I will tell everybody what you just do! And I will even tell them things that you never do! I will say all kind of other things! You should be ashamed of yourself. You are a pastor. You should be different, but instead you just want to do the same things like every other man in the world. You just want to touch people how you want to touch them, and that is not right. I hope you repent before God strike you and send you straight to hell!”

He backs away and straightens his jacket before he unlocks the door and leaves the room.

When I get home that evening, I tell Auntie I don’t want to go to church anymore, but she says as long as I live under her roof, I have to do as she says. “
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord,
Stacey. It is there in the Bible. If you read it more often you would know that the church is the best place for the young and wayward. It is the only place that going to keep you safe from the dark desires of that young flesh.” I want to tell her about what happened in the vestry, but I already know she would find some way to make it my fault.

The next morning no one has to wake me for school. As soon as the
sun rises I roll out of bed and head to the shower. I can’t move fast enough to get to school so I can hear about Natalia’s weekend. I wish I could tell her about Pastor Gentles’s sour-milk breath, but I wouldn’t know how to say something like that. And since nothing actually happened to me in there, there’s actually nothing for me to tell.

M
iss Hall, my history teacher, asks when Columbus discovered the West Indies. My hand shoots up. When no one else volunteers, Miss Hall sighs and points to me. I am confident in my answer. “Miss Hall, Columbus did not discover Jamaica. When he landed here, people were living here already. The only reason they not right here in the class is that the Spaniards killed them.”

“Staceyann Chin, I did not ask for an essay, only a date. Whatever your opinions are about what happened, the first order of history is about dates. So do you know when he
landed
here or not?”

“In 1494, miss.”

“Thank you very much, ma’am.”

“You are welcome, miss.”

Miss Hall walks to my desk, puts her hand on my shoulder, and says, “You know, Staceyann, you would be the perfect student if you were not such a performer. It is a good thing you are bright and focused, otherwise you would be a sore on the backside of this school.”

Her voice is firm, but her hands are kind on my shoulder. I like Miss Hall. She says what she thinks and lets me know that she is not being mean to me. She uses her ruler to gently tap me on the head before she smiles and gets back to the lesson.

After school I try my best not to go straight home. Sometimes I stop at my father’s store to see April. One evening I actually go home with her for dinner. I chew a mouthful of rice and peas and wonder what my father is having for dinner upstairs. My little brother, Ruel, dashes in and out. I want to talk to him, but I don’t think he would talk me, so I just sit there and chew while he gets his juice and leaves.

Most evenings I end up at Natalia’s. After dinner and homework, Uncle Hartley gives us permission to swim. I don’t have a bathing suit, so I have to wear my PE clothes in the pool. I think I look stupid swimming in shorts, but Natalia says not to worry, I look fine. I spend a good part of the evening holding up my shorts because whenever I move too quickly they slip down. And the water makes the white T-shirt transparent and causes it to stick to my chest. I ask Natalia if she thinks I am too naked. But she says I should relax and enjoy being in the water.

Natalia’s brother, Mark, jumps in. It feels a little funny to be so close to a boy with my shorts in danger of falling down, but I remind myself that he is not Andy or Shappy. I am having so much fun splashing and ducking underwater that I stop pulling at the shirt sticking to my breasts. Suddenly Mark points to my chest, laughing and shouting, “Stacey, you don’t see your breasts making a public announcement?”

I am so shocked I grab my towel and run to the bathroom. I know that Mark did not mean anything by it, but I want to die from embarrassment. I cover my head with the towel and lie on the floor crying. Natalia knocks softly before she pushes the door open. She asks if she can sit on the floor next to me. When I nod, she squats and squeezes into the space between the bath and the toilet with me. My T-shirt is suddenly cold and heavy against my skin. I remember Mark’s laughter and bury my face into the towel again, sobbing.

“Cho, man, Stacey, Mark was only making a stupid little joke.” Natalia’s voice is soft and cajoling.

I wish I could tell her about Shappy and Andy. But Natalia’s life is perfect and there is nobody in her house trying to have sex with her. She would never understand anything about my life. I wish she would just shut up and leave me alone. She strokes my hair and tells me that Mark feels bad for embarrassing me.

I am not crying anymore, but I am still very sore. “Well, Natalia, you should tell your brother that he shouldn’t make jokes about things that him don’t know about.”

“I know, I know, Stace, but you know boys. Them just stupid sometimes.”

She is sitting so close to me the hairs on her legs brush my thighs. I hug my knees to my chest and rock back and forth on my haunches. “Natalia, I know you don’t understand, but I just wish I had a real bath
ing suit. That way your stupid brother don’t have to see my nipples when I am in the pool.”

Her hand is warm on my knee. “I know, Stacey, I know.”

“Natalia.”

“Yeah?”

“You ever feel like you don’t like boys very much?”

“Yeah, man. Especially when them being stupid and them thinking that them sooo cool.”

“Yeah. Like when them think them being slick by touching you and pretending it was a mistake!”

Natalia bursts out laughing. “Exactly! Exactly!”

“Talia, sometimes I wish I could just forget about boys altogether and just get married to a woman when I get big!”

Natalia is laughing hard and holding her stomach. I don’t think it is that funny, but I laugh out loud too. “Can you imagine, Tal? You and me and the priest saying, ‘I now pronounce you
woman and wife
!’”

“Stacey, stop! Stop! You going to make me laugh until me dead in here!”

Natalia gets up from the floor and, still laughing, limps away.

Days later I hear her laughing and telling the joke on the phone: “That girl is so weird sometimes. She says the most hilarious things.”

I can tell who is on the other line by how loudly she talks. When it is a boy she likes, she whispers. I listen to her lowered voice and I draw hearts in my notebook. I wonder why she lets me come over so much. I close the book when she hangs up.

“Stace, guess who I just talked to! Carl Kingsley!”

“Oh, yeah? What’s his claim to fame now?”

She falls back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling. “He says that he likes my eyes. And my hair. And my eyebrows.”

“Your eyebrows? That is so stupid! So anyway, what that mean? That him want to love you and marry you and give you two little white children with perfect eyebrows?”

“I’m serious, Stacey. He just asked me to be his girlfriend.”

“Sorry, Tal. I was only joking. So how many boys like you now? Seven?”

“I think it’s eight or nine now, but”—she clutches her chest and sighs—“it really doesn’t matter in light of the way I feel about Carl Kingsley.
You know what I mean, Stacey? I think I want to be his
wife
! You think I should say yes?”

I suck my teeth and roll off the bed. Natalia pokes me with her toe. “What happen to you now, Miss Miserable?”

“Nutten. I guess I don’t know nutten about no boys. None of them ever like me because I am ugly.”

“Staceyann Chin, you are not ugly! And what happen to you all of a sudden? You never care if no boys like you before!”

“Yes, I do. I want somebody to like me too. But nobody ever will! Because my face is shaped funny and my forehead is big and flat at the same time. And I have pimples—lots and lots of pimples. My teeth stick out of my head like scissors. And my feet are like duck feet and my legs are too skinny. And look at my breasts! They are much too big for my body!”

Natalia gets down on the floor beside me. She is so close I can smell her strawberry-scented body lotion. “Stacey, I have no idea what you are talking about! I mean, you’re not like Miss Jamaica or anything, but you are a nice-looking girl. You have a nice body and you are very bright. And you know more big words than anybody I know.”

“So you think that I am pretty, then?”

“I don’t see a thing wrong with how you look.”

A warmth creeps into my belly. Still, it worries me that I am twelve years old and not one boy has told me that he likes me.

I
tell Nellie, who is my only friend at church, that I think I should get a boyfriend. Nellie already has a very cute boyfriend, Garry, who loves her very much and has told her that he wants to marry her. I worry that I will die without ever experiencing true love. Nellie says I have nothing to worry about, but I know that it isn’t easy to make anyone fall in love with you when you have acne. She suggests we ask Garry’s younger brother, Troy, who is not as good-looking, if he wants to be my boyfriend. I am too afraid he will say no. But she goes ahead and asks him if he likes me anyway. When she comes back, she is all giggles and good news. Troy likes me very much and has asked Nellie to ask me if I want to be his girlfriend. She says I have to give her an answer to take back to him by the end of the service.

During the reading of the first psalm I ask myself if I could marry somebody with such skinny legs. I stare hard at him and wonder how I would kiss him with that long nose in the way. Just before the benediction he turns and smiles at me. He’s not as handsome as his brother, but he does have a nice smile. I could do worse than Troy for a boyfriend. Plus no one else has expressed any interest in me. I tell Nellie to tell him yes.

From behind the fence at school I watch him playing soccer with the other boys. His skinny frame moves as quick as lightning as he makes a beeline for the goal. And he is one of the fastest boys on the Cornwall College track team. I wonder if he knows Delano. Troy likes to laugh and make jokes all the time. Being with him makes me feel like I am like everyone else. I write little notes to him and I hurry to Sunday school so I can see him before the service begins. I can’t talk to him during Wednesday-night prayer meetings, but I still go with Auntie so I can look at him from my pew.

Nellie says I should start coming to young people’s meeting on Saturdays. “Our group leader, James, is here on Saturday and he is not very strict, so you can really get to talk to Troy.”

Auntie is pleased to see me take an interest in church. “Yes, of course you can go to youth meeting. You can always go to anything, as long as it have to do with the Lord.”

The elders do not come to youth meetings, so the young people get there early to sit around and talk. And after the meeting we sit on the wall surrounding the church. Troy sits beside me. I don’t know how I know, but the way he is sitting on the wall and not saying anything to me makes me feel like he wants me to keep sitting beside him. We sit there until it is time to go home.

On Monday I inform Sandy that I have a boyfriend.

At first she is shocked and delighted. “What? Him cute? You can’t have a boyfriend that is not cute!” Then she is worried. “Well, you better be careful with them boys. I hear them always want you to have sex with them.”

I tell her that she doesn’t have to worry about that. Troy is a good Christian boy who would never think of asking me such a thing. I do not tell Natalia my news at school. I want to be able to tell her everything in private without any interruption. I wait until we are finished with homework and dinner. When the plates are in the sink, I usher Natalia into her bedroom. “Talia, I think I have a boyfriend.”

“Stacey, what you mean, you think? Is either you have one or you don’t!”

“Okay, okay. I have a boyfriend.”

“Is he cute? Like Carl?”

I don’t want to talk about Carl, but I don’t know how to say that to Natalia. “No, he’s just okay-looking.”

“Oh, okay. Did I tell you that Carl called three times yesterday and two times on Saturday?”

I really wish she would just shut up about Carl. I can’t see what she sees in him. His grades are bad and he uses words incorrectly.

She places her hand over her heart and sighs. “And then he came over here last night and I kissed him. You kiss your boyfriend yet?”

Something turns in my stomach. “Yes, man! I kiss him all the time!” I decide that I have to kiss Troy. I am disappointed that Natalia does not ask more questions about him.

The next week at youth meeting I tell Nellie to tell Troy that he can kiss me. All during the program I wonder what I am going to do during the kiss. I wish I had asked Natalia to tell me exactly what she did when Carl kissed her. Then I would know what to do. Thinking about Carl and Natalia makes me angry, so I walk over to the wall and sit with my legs very close to Troy’s. He smiles nervously and clears his throat. “Well, Stacey, you know that we have been girlfriend and boyfriend for one week now. I think it’s time we make something serious of it.”

He scoots closer and takes me by the arm. He is a little rough, and I really do not want him to kiss me, but I don’t know what to say to stop him. And I feel bad that he doesn’t know that I am pretending to be in love with him. His face moves closer and closer to mine until his eyes are so close they look like two big bug-eyes. He puckers his lips and I do the same. Suddenly he opens his mouth and almost swallows my nose. He sucks on my lower face for what feels like a million years. While I wait for him to finish, I think of ways to make the kiss sound more exciting when I tell Natalia about it. His lips make a smacking noise when he finally pulls them off mine.

The whole event is so wet and cold I wonder why everybody makes such a fuss. Troy chews on a blade of grass as he tells me that he is willing to kiss me anytime I want. All I have to do is let him know when. The way he says it lets me know that he has not even considered that I may
not want him to. I wish I could just tell him how I really feel about kissing him. I wish I could tell Natalia how I feel about Carl. I wish I could just tell everybody how I feel about everything. I am tired of pretending. But I am too afraid that no one will like me without the parts of me I have worked so hard to make up.