The Outsider (9 page)

Gabrielle looked around for the child. “Where is she?”

“She went inside to go lay down. She made me promise to tell you.”

“All right. Thank you, Sister Suzy.” Gabrielle looked over her shoulder toward the staircases that led to the bedrooms, but Becca was nowhere in sight. As soon as she had the other children settled at their tables, she’d come back to check on Becca.

A half hour later, Gabrielle carried back a small pot of soup for Becca. The house was quiet as she went up the stairs. Not that the children made that much noise when they were there. They’d been taught to walk quietly inside and to speak softly, but when they were present, there was always a rustle of life about the house. Now it felt totally empty.

“Becca,” Gabrielle called softly as she opened the door into the bedroom. “I brought you some soup.”

The double line of beds stretched out across the room. In the dim light of the winter evening, each bed cover was pulled up straight and neat. There was no sign Becca had ever come back upstairs. Gabrielle made a quick search of the other rooms in the house, but she knew she’d find nothing. The house was as empty as it felt. Outside she stood on the steps of the building and called Becca’s name, but no child’s voice answered her.

Gabrielle should have watched her more closely. The child had surely gone in search of her mother, but which way would she have gone? Gabrielle looked around the yard and then at the trees behind their house. She’d never once thought the woods looked the least bit menacing, but now with the early winter twilight already falling, suddenly the trees seemed to have edged closer and the shadows under them were darker and lurking with danger.

Becca would be frightened if she hadn’t found her mother, and Gabrielle didn’t see how the child could have done that. Even Gabrielle had no idea where Sister Esther might be working. But surely the child couldn’t have gone too far. Gabrielle walked swiftly toward the woods beside the house where Sister Esther usually appeared when she came to the school to visit Becca. If she hurried, perhaps she would be able to find the little girl and have her tucked safely into her bed before Sister Mercy returned with the other children from the biting room. Gabrielle had no desire to see Becca punished for wandering off.

In the woods the light was dimming fast. Gabrielle strained her eyes to see through the shadows. “Becca!” she called time and again.

No answer came back to her from among the deep shadows under the trees, but all at once Becca was with Gabrielle in her mind. The child’s desperation and fear were so real that Gabrielle’s heart began pounding inside her chest.

Gabrielle dropped to her knees in a layer of last fall’s leaves. The warmth of the day had gone with the sun, and now she shivered as she shut her eyes and put her hands to her head. She had never sought the gift. Rather she had always tried to shut it out. Often she had prayed the Eternal Father would remove it from her just as Paul had freed the slave girl in Macedonia from her fortune-telling spirit in the Bible. Gabrielle told no fortunes. Most of the time when the gift came, it simply showed her something happening, but at times whatever the gift showed had not yet occurred.

That was the way it was with her first memory of knowing what she should not know when she’d seen her baby brother in his burial box. For a long time Gabrielle had worried that her dream of that happening had somehow stolen the baby’s breath from him. So the knowing was not something she had ever sought; rather, she had always tried to block it away. But this time she would open her mind and seek the knowing. Becca needed her help.

At first she despaired of it working. The fear was there inside her plain enough, but she could not see Becca. She had never been able to push the gift even when it came to her of its own bidding. The visions formed in her mind as they willed. Gabrielle pulled in a deep breath to calm the fear pounding through her and let it out slowly. The gift could not be forced, but perhaps it could be welcomed.

She whispered Becca’s name before she began softly singing one of their oft-used songs to ready her mind for the gift. “Come down Shaker-like. Come down holy. Come down Shaker-like. Let’s all go to glory.”

She didn’t know when the song ceased coming from her lips. Total darkness covered her, seeping into her very soul. She could see Becca as gradually the images began lighting up in her mind. The little girl moved with determination as she walked between the trees. Her mother was surely just ahead. She only had to walk far enough. She stopped at the edge of a clearing and stared at a cabin there in the middle of the trees. A large dark shadow fell across the child. A bear. Becca screamed and tried to run, but the bear grabbed her. Terror consumed her. Gabrielle cried out and opened her eyes.

The dim light still among the trees surprised Gabrielle. She had expected the same darkness that was in her mind. She jumped to her feet and began to run. She had to get to Becca before the bear. Branches whipped against Gabrielle’s face and tore at her skirt before she came to her senses and slowed to a walk. It would do no good to run madly through the woods. She had to use her head. She sorted through the images she’d seen. There had been a cabin, and cabins meant people. With the darkness of her vision gone, Gabrielle thought surely it had been a man and not a bear that had reached for the child.

She forced her breath in and out slowly to calm her racing heart as she moved on through the trees. She was beginning to think she was surely as lost as Becca when her feet found a path. In the fading light she couldn’t see if it was a path made by men or nothing more than a deer trace to the river. She could only hope and pray it led to the cabin she’d seen in her mind.

When she caught the smell of smoke in the air, Gabrielle began walking faster. She hesitated before leaving the shelter of the trees. She’d been too long from the world. She didn’t want to approach the cabin, but she had to see if Becca was there and safe.

Once she stepped out of the shadows of the trees, she moved quickly across the clearing and up the steps to the door. A horse whinnied softly in a pen beside the cabin. There were no other sounds, not even from behind the door of the cabin. As Gabrielle raised her hand to knock on the wooden door, she wished one of the brethren or Sister Mercy was with her.

Her knuckles had barely touched the door when it swung open. Gabrielle jumped back. For a minute the man stared at her as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Then he laughed and said, “This night holds many surprises. First the child and now you, young sister.”

Gabrielle’s eyes went to the doctor’s face. There was a flush of red about his cheeks and a strange look in his eyes, and she wondered if he’d been drinking. She’d often seen her father consumed by the jug, and Sister Mercy said a drunken man was near to the embodiment of the devil himself.

The doctor put his hand on her arm. “Don’t run away, Gabrielle. I won’t hurt you. I would never hurt you.”

His touch was gentle, and Gabrielle let him pull her into the cabin and shut the door behind her.

9

“Then Becca is here?” Gabrielle asked as she tried to peer past him into the room.

“She is.” He moved a bit to the side to let her see the child asleep on the bed built into the wall of the cabin. “But you knew that already, didn’t you, young sister?”

Gabrielle ignored his question. “I was concerned for her alone in the woods. There are many dangers for one so young alone at night.”

“So there are,” the doctor agreed. His eyes stayed on Gabrielle even as he spoke of the child. “But as you can see, she is safe. I would have already brought her back to your village, but she was crying and shaking so that I brought her in to warm by the fire while I brewed her some tea. Then she fell asleep.”

“No wonder she was shaking. You looked like a bear coming at her out of the shadows that way. That would surely terrify anyone. Especially a small child lost in the woods.” Gabrielle moved past the man to go to Becca. Even in her exhausted sleep, she looked sad.

When Gabrielle looked up and caught the doctor’s eyes burning into her, she realized what she’d said. A flush climbed into her cheeks. “I mean I suppose that’s what could have happened.”

“It’s no shame to know what no one else can know, Gabrielle.” His voice seemed to caress her name.

Gabrielle pulled her eyes away from his. She didn’t know how to accept what his eyes offered. She crossed her arms tightly across her chest and said, “I must awaken Becca. We must go back at once.”

“Do they know you’re gone?”

“Perhaps by now they do. I shouldn’t have come alone, but I was consumed with worry for Becca.”

“With reason. The child doesn’t look well. Another reason I made her the tea tonic.” The doctor’s eyes touched on the child and then came back to Gabrielle’s face. “What will happen when they find you gone, young sister?”

“It will cause them great consternation and they will search for us.”

“That’s not what frightens you.”

“I’ve no fear of my brethren and my sisters. I simply do not wish to cause them grief.”

“Well said, young sister. But I’ve seen too many patients not to recognize fear when it sits on the face of the one in front of me. If you’re not afraid of your fellow Shakers, then I must be what makes you tremble. Will you deny that?”

Gabrielle was silent for a moment before she raised her eyes to his. “Nay.”

“What have I done to frighten you, Gabrielle?”

Again his voice speaking her name was almost as if he’d reached out and stroked her cheek. Gabrielle cast about for something to tell him that would hold the truth but not reveal the confusion inside her. She remembered the thought that he might have been drinking. “You are drunk.”

The doctor laughed softly. “No, young sister, I’m not drunk. I save my strong drink for medicinal purposes. And that is not what frightens you.”

Gabrielle turned away from him. “I must take Becca and go.”

The doctor put a hand on her shoulder. “Wait. One minute more cannot hurt. I have a need to talk to you, and after you hear me out, then I’ll carry the child back through the woods for you. I doubt she is strong enough to make it on her own.”

“What have you to say to me? Is it about Brother Nathan? Elder Caleb has told us he is improving each day.”

“That he is, but this isn’t anything to do with your Nathan. It’s about your father. He wants me to talk you into leaving the Shakers.”

Gabrielle frowned. “You mean my father appeared to you in some sort of vision?”

The doctor smiled and shook his head. “No vision. He was here in this room just yesterday the same as you are now.”

“That could not be. My father is dead. Six years now.”

“He wanted you to believe that. He says he thought your mother would remarry and also that her uncle might look more favorably on helping you if he was gone.”

Gabrielle tried to picture her father’s face in her mind, but the years had fogged her memory. “It’s been so long. I loved Papa, but I always knew each time he came home that it wouldn’t be for long. When I was very young, he tried to be the kind of man my mother needed him to be, but there was something about him that our house could not hold.”

Gabrielle was silent, remembering. The doctor didn’t intrude on her thoughts. Finally she went on. “I never mourned for him when he left, but my mother did. At least she mourned the man she wanted him to be. Perhaps it was kindness that made him send a man to tell us he’d died on the river.”

“So he claims,” Dr. Scott said.

Gabrielle shook her head to clear it of the troublesome memories and smiled. “It’s funny how the Eternal Father works things out. Papa would have never joined the Believers, but with him gone, Mother could. Sister Martha is one of the most contented among our community.”

The doctor put both hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. His eyes burned into hers. “And are you contented, Gabrielle?”

She wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. The pull of his eyes was too strong. Neither would they allow a lie. “I was, and I will be again.”

“And now?”

Gabrielle’s voice fell to a whisper. “Now you trouble my mind, Dr. Scott.”

The man was silent as his eyes probed hers. At last he said, “I’m glad, for you also trouble mine.”

“I’m sorry. I have no desire to bring trouble to your thoughts, but for you, as for me, it will pass.”

The doctor frowned. “What do you mean?”

“In time and with prayer this will all pass away from me. Then I can once again be in full fellowship with my brothers and sisters.”

His hands tightened on her shoulders. “It won’t pass away. Your spirit is troubled because you don’t belong there with them.”

“But I do. I must serve the Lord with all my being.” She did not allow the tremble she felt inside her show in her voice.

“You don’t have to shut yourself away from the world to worship the Lord. God intended for men and women to love and marry and bring forth children into the world. It says so in his book. Go and be fruitful. Isn’t that what it says?”

“That is his plan for some, but not for the Believers. And not for me.”

The doctor jerked his hands away from her shoulders and stalked across the room. Then he was back. “Surely there is some way I can make you see.”

Gabrielle met his eyes steadily. She was sure of her words. “Nay, our feet have been set on different paths, Dr. Scott. For just this moment in our lives, our paths have crossed. But now they must go on again along their separate ways.”

“I can’t accept that. I won’t accept that.” He put his hands back on her shoulders. “Have you ever been kissed, young sister?”

The look in the doctor’s eyes alarmed Gabrielle. “It’s never wise to tempt Satan, Dr. Scott.”

The man only laughed. “No girl should go through life without at least one kiss from a man who loves her.”

Gabrielle tried to twist away from him, but he was too strong. He pulled her close, and then with one hand he tipped her chin up and gently covered her lips with his own. Gabrielle couldn’t fight against his strength. She did fight against the feeling rising inside her in response to his touch, but the feeling rushed through her, breaking down every barrier she threw up against it. Her heart was pounding harder than when she had imagined the shadow in her vision was a bear, and her head was spinning as if she’d been drawn into a whirlwind. Even after he raised his mouth from hers, it was a minute before she could make herself pull away from him.

When she stepped back, he let her go. “You can’t make me believe that was wrong,” he said softly.

Tears pushed at Gabrielle’s eyes. Everything inside her felt as if it had been turned upside down, and she knew only one thing for sure. She had to get away from this man. “I must leave,” she said.

“I can’t make you stay. But I am here, Gabrielle. Remember that. Always I am here.”

“Just stay away from me. I must never see you again.”

“Shutting me away won’t make you forget.”

Gabrielle whispered, “I belong with the Believers.” She couldn’t keep the tremble out of her voice this time as she repeated the words yet again. “I belong with the Believers.”

“No,” the doctor said gently. “You’ve never belonged with them, and you never will.”

Gabrielle spun away from him and reached to shake Becca awake. The doctor moved in front of her and gently picked up the little girl. Becca started to rouse up, but the doctor calmed her with a few soft words. The child’s head nestled against his shoulder as she settled back into sleep.

He led the way through the dark woods without a word. Gabrielle was grateful for the silence. She needed time to straighten her thoughts out before she went back into the light. Now the night was a friend as it hid the shame on her face. She felt no shame for having been kissed. There had been little she could do to prevent that. Her shame was in the way her lips had betrayed her by yielding to the man’s kiss and the way she had melted in his embrace.

Ahead of her, Dr. Scott stopped. “We’re near your village. It’ll be best if you go on alone now. I suggest you simply tell the others you’ve been lost these hours in the woods.”

Gabrielle took the child into her own arms. Becca’s small frame was whisper light. Gabrielle looked toward the doctor. She couldn’t see his face in the dark, but he was so near she could feel his breath on her cheek. “But that wouldn’t be true,” she said.

“You must do what you must, young sister. The truth you need to hold to is that you’ve done no wrong against your Lord or anyone else, but I’m not sure your brethren and sisters will recognize that truth.” He ran his fingers across her cheek. “Remember what I said, Gabrielle. I am near. I will always be near.”

Gabrielle walked away from him and out of the woods slowly. With each step she confessed her sins to the Eternal Father, because she knew as she approached the light that she wouldn’t be able to confess them to Sister Mercy.

Brothers with torches moved through the darkness in front of the school family house. The alarm had been given then. It had been too much to expect that she could come back into the village without her absence being noted. She had been gone too long for that. She hesitated a moment before she took a deep breath and walked briskly on to the house. Whatever happened would have to be faced.

“I am here,” she called loudly. Becca stirred in her arms but didn’t waken.

Elder Caleb ran to her and touched her arm. “We are overjoyed to see you safe, Sister Gabrielle.” He held up his torch to look at her face. “You and the child.”

The gentle sincerity of his voice made tears prick Gabrielle’s eyes. She waited for the questions, but the elder only took the child from her and led the way into the house.

As he went through the door, he called out loudly, “Praise the Lord. Our sisters have returned from the darkness.”

Sister Mercy jumped up from where she’d been kneeling in prayer and ran to embrace Gabrielle. “My child, you can’t know how worried we all were when night fell and you did not return to the house.”

“It grieves me to have caused you worry.” Gabrielle’s voice was muffled against Sister Mercy’s shoulder. “I’ll pray for your forgiveness.”

Sister Mercy touched her cheek to Gabrielle’s and stepped back from their embrace. “As long as you’re safe. At first, I thought you’d gone to your place of prayer, but then when you didn’t come to meeting, I didn’t know what to think.” When Elder Caleb put Becca down on one of the chairs, Sister Mercy noticed the child and frowned. “Why is Sister Becca with you?”

“She’s the reason I left,” Gabrielle said as she stepped over beside the child and gently moved Becca’s head until it was resting easier against the back of the chair. The child’s eyes didn’t open. Gabrielle looked back at Sister Mercy. “I should have told someone, but when I came from the biting room and found Becca missing, I thought I’d be able to find her quickly in the woods without raising an alarm.”

Sister Mercy frowned and Gabrielle rushed on. “Yea, it was wrong. But I was so worried about Becca and night was falling. I thought of how frightened she’d surely be in the woods after dark.”

“Your motives were good, Sister Gabrielle, but your actions were wrong,” Elder Caleb said. “For the good of all, you should have taken the time to get help in your search.”

Gabrielle lowered her eyes to the floor in silent acknowledgment of her wrong.

The elder reached out and touched her head. “Don’t let your heart be too burdened. You found the child in the woods and then your way back among us without meeting any misfortune.”

Gabrielle nodded without looking up. She was ashamed at the ease with which she told only half the truth. In the space of a few weeks she’d become a different person, a person capable of hiding the truth and defying the rules she’d always so carefully kept. At last she raised her head to look at Sister Mercy and Elder Caleb and wondered why they couldn’t see the difference in her.

But they were smiling. They trusted her, and Gabrielle felt even more shame for deceiving these two she loved than she had when the doctor had kissed her. She was tempted to tell them all the truth instead of just a portion of it, but overriding her need to confess was her fear of their disapproval. She’d heard Sister Mercy talk of others who’d been part of the Believers and then had left for the world or committed some worldly sin. She’d often said, “They have gone back to the pit from which we pulled them out of the mire.”

Even worse than words of condemnation, they might insist she submit to constant supervision. That would mean she’d have to be accompanied at all times by another sister for six months. She’d seen one sister pushed away from the Believers by this when Gabrielle hadn’t thought her wrong that great. She wouldn’t take the chance that she might be so punished even though the blight on her conscience would surely be slow to fade.

Gabrielle knelt before Elder Caleb and said, “I’ll pray for more wisdom should such a thing happen again.”

Elder Caleb put one hand on her bent head for a moment and then pulled her up. His hands were cold and dry, and Gabrielle couldn’t keep from thinking how different the doctor’s hands felt. The elder said, “We must rest now. Tomorrow you and Sister Mercy can come to me and we will pray together.”