The Perfect Christian (16 page)
Read The Perfect Christian Online
Authors: E. N. Joy
Chapter Thirty-four
“I can't give you no babies, Willie,” Doreen stated as she lay in the hospital bed, handcuffed to the bedpost. “After what those women did to me, the doctor says I'm never going to be able to have babies.” Doreen burst into tears as she lay there in agony crying. Her body hurt. Her heart hurt. Everything hurt.
No, there was no way this could all be part of God's punishment. Or was it? Doreen, whether intentional or not, had taken the life of a baby. Now she had been robbed of the ability for a new life to exist within her. Had God resorted back to the ways of an eye for an eye? But Jesus had preached to not think in that manner. Surely God wouldn't act in that manner. No, God would not take away her ability to have a baby because she had taken the life of a baby. God would never go back on His Word. It would never return void.
“It's . . . it's okay, baby. It's okay.” Willie rubbed Doreen's head. “Don't you worry about a thing, Reen. Everything is going to be all right.”
“But it's not. The one thing I took from you, your son, now I can't give it back.” She pulled her body up as far as it would go. Then she looked upward, lashing an angry tongue at the Lord. “Why, God? Why?” Then she rested back and had to remind herself that when all this drama first went down, she'd basically told God to “bring it on.” She'd served herself up to Him on a silver platter letting God know daily how whatever punishment He deemed fit to give her, she would accept it. It looked as though Doreen was having a hard time keeping up her end of the bargain.
Almost robotically, Willie dazed off and repeated, “It's . . . it's okay, baby. It's okay.” He continued to rub Doreen's head. “Don't you worry about a thing, Reen; everything is going to be all right.”
Willie didn't mean that. Doreen could tell by his voice. He was just saying that in order not to make matters seem any worse. But they couldn't get any worse as far as Doreen was concerned. Wasn't nothing else God could do to her now in order to get a reaction out of her. She'd been raped by those women in the bathroom, with objects and with their flesh. As a result, she'd been raped of the ability to ever have children.
Since the miscarriage, Doreen had dreamed of getting pregnant again and giving Willie a son. She became even more desperate after taking the life of his son that only had a couple more weeks in the womb before joining them on earth. She loved Willie. He was every other heartbeat in her body. He was her first. In spite what those women did to her, he was the only person she'd had sex withâmade love to. He was her one and only. She couldn't imagine life without him. Rather than get released from jail and go home to nothingânobodyâshe'd rather stay behind bars.
But would Willie even be there waiting for her now? Now that she couldn't give him what could make things whole again, would he still be there? For Doreen, it already felt like Willie's contact with her was forced. Even now, as he attempted to comfort her, he didn't look her in the eyes. He just stared off in a daze. What was he afraid he'd see in her eyes if he looked into them? Would he see his wife? The one who he took vows to love until death do them part? Or would he see a killer? The woman responsible for the death of his baby?
“I don't blame you if you want to leave.” Doreen sniffed as she calmed down.
“Aw, no, baby. My boss said I could have the rest of the day off to be with you,” Willie replied.
“That's not what I meant, Willie. I mean, I don't blame you if you want to leave me . . . forever . . . divorce.”
“Now you just talking straight-up nonsense, woman.” Willie stood up and shooed his hand, turning his back to Doreen with folded arms. “I ain't gon' leave you. Why would I go and do a thing like that?”
“I just told you why. I can't give you no babies.”
“Then it will just be me and you,” he turned back toward her and said. “Whoever said God meant for us to have babies together in the first place?” He shrugged.
“Don't you try to downplay it, Willie. I know how much you want a child. And you know how much I wanted to give you one. And you would have one if it wasn't for . . .” Doreen's words trailed off. She wasn't sure what circumstance she should bring up. The one of her losing their baby because she came out on an icy winter night to cut the fool and ended up falling and miscarrying. Or the one with her cutting the fool in the motel room. Either way it went, both losses were because of her.
It was then, though, when she thought about a third loss; the one with Agnes. But she didn't have anything to do with that one. Doreen almost felt like a monster for finding solace in not having anything to do with Agnes deciding to abort the baby she conceived with a married man.
That's when it hit Doreen. Maybe God wasn't punishing her. Maybe He was punishing Willie. Maybe it was Willie God didn't see fit to raise any children. Maybe this was God's way of breaking a curse, one that Doreen had no idea how far back in Willie's bloodline it ran. Again, she felt like a monster finding solace in that thought as well.
“Having babies and all,” Willie said, “it just ain't that important anymore, you know? What's important is you making it through your prison sentence and coming out of this place in sound mind and body.” Willie went back and sat down next to Doreen.
Her heart leaped bounds hearing his words. Maybe it took such a time as this to bring about a change in Willie that would lead them to true marital bliss. And for that, Doreen was willing to give up one year of her life in order to have a lifetime with Willie. Tears fell from her eyes she was so moved.
Upon noticing the tears, Willie kicked right back into gear. “It's . . . it's okay, baby. It's okay.” Again, he rubbed Doreen's head. “Don't you worry about a thing, Lauren; everything is going to be all right.”
Doreen's eyes froze open as she looked at Willie. He'd just called her Lauren. She waited to see if he would correct himself. He never did. He just kept rubbing her head, telling her that it was okay and that everything would be all right. She could tell that must have been what he'd done, what he'd said to Lauren when she found out the fate of their child. She figured when he'd been so hard to reach, that's where he'd beenâwith herâcomforting her. He'd been by her side doing and saying the exact same things he was now doing and saying to Doreen.
Doreen relaxed her body, letting her head fall even deeper into the pillow on which she lay. Tears spilled from the corner of her eyes. She wasn't so sure of things anymore like she'd been a moment ago. She was sure Willie would be there physically when she got out. She felt the deep sincerity in his words when he'd promised her that he would be. But what Doreen wasn't sure about was whether everything would be okayâif everything would be all right. Would he be there for her emotionally as well? Would Willie's heart and mind be with Doreen, or would his heart and mind be somewhere else, like with Lauren?
Chapter Thirty-five
“Well, does this look like crazy to you?” Terrance shot, snapping Mother Doreen back to her present thoughts. Looking at the photo of Lauren, looking into that woman's eyes, it had taken her back, way back, to a place she hadn't been in years.
“Your mother was a beautiful woman,” Mother Doreen said, looking away from the picture and at Terrance. “I could see why my Willie would . . .” Mother Doreen stopped her words right there in their tracks. She couldn't even believe she was about to tell that boy she could see why Willie would want to be with his mother. That would have been a lie. She couldn't see it. She didn't understand why Willie, after taking vows with her, could cheat on her with any woman.
Knowing what Mother Doreen had been fixing to say, Terrance said, “Well, I can't see why my momma would want to fool with his sorry tail. And you either, for that matter.”
“Now you hold on right there, young man. I will not let you speak ill of the dead, especially not about Willie.” She looked up. “God rest my Willie's soul.” She drew an invisible cross across her heart with her index finger.
“How on God's green earth can you stand here to this day and defend that man? After what he did? Not just to you, but to everybody? That man destroyed every woman along his path in one way or another. Trust me, I know. Like I said, I done did my research,” Terrance stated. “His lying and cheating ways changed everybody's life . . . forever. But no, just like all those years ago, instead of being mad at him, you blamed the women. You blamed my mother. You beat her down like a dog in the streets while you should have had your foot up his aâ”
“Mr. Terrance. Please. Not in God's house.”
“Then let's take it outside, because I don't want to have to hold back no more because of God. Besides, you wasn't thinking about no God back at that motel was ya?”
“As a matter of fact, I wasn't. I let my anger consume me.”
“And that's understandable. I mean, I think any woman who walks into a motel room and finds her husband on top of another woman is gonna be angry. But it was your husband you should have been angry at. He's the one who took vows with you, not my momma. She didn't owe you nothing.”
Staying as calm as she could, Mother Doreen explained. “I was angry at Willie. I was angry at your mother too. I think you are incorrect about something. I think we all owe each other respect, and to be decent and kind to one another.”
“Yeah, what you did was real decent and kind,” Terrance huffed sarcastically.
“Look, son, I understand you're angry. But you're going to have to let it go. It was all in the past. Everyone has moved on.”
“She hasn't!” Terrance yelled, gripping the picture of his mother. “She never did.” In a more relaxed tone he said, “She tried. For a minute there, she thought things were going to be better. When she got pregnant with me, she felt redeemed and restored.” He looked upward, and if she wasn't mistaken, Mother Doreen thought she saw a fleeting smile on Terrance's face. “Those were her exact words; redeemed and restored . . . whole again.” He looked at Mother Doreen, now with disdain on his face. “You know how I know?” He reached inside his suit jacket and pulled something out of his waist. “'Cause of this right here.” He held up a hardcover worn book that appeared to be a journal.
Terrance held the journal against him as if he was holding his mother. “Thank God she decided to even keep a journal. If she hadn't, I don't think I would have ever known why Momma is like she is. I would have never known why for years she's been lying up in some place for crazy folks.” He looked down at the picture again. “No, she might not look like crazy, but she is.”
“She's alive?” Mother Doreen sounded confused. “But I thought you said she was dead.”
“She might as well be,” Terrance glared. “She's got no soul. Nothing inside of her. Just a shell of what once was. She's not even in her right mind.”
Terrance walked up on Mother Doreen. “And you drove her to that state; you and that husband of yours. You walking around here all saved, sanctified, and Holy Ghost-filled while my momma can't even get out of bed without assistance. She won't pick up a fork and feed herself. She won't even talk to me.” Terrance's voice broke, and he quickly pulled himself together, but turned away from Mother Doreen so she wouldn't see him becoming weak. “I have never, ever heard my own mother's voice.” He sniffed, pulled it together, and turned back around to face Doreen. “I'm sure when I was just a baby she probably cooed at me, told me how much she loved me. But I don't remember that. I can't recall the sound of her voice then. And that's okay, because it's not then I'm worried about. I want to hear it now. I want to hear her say it to me now.”
For the last year, after getting everything off her chest about her criminal past, Mother Doreen had felt a hundred pounds lighter. She'd been able to completely forgive herself for her actions all those years ago. She'd been able to let go, let all of it go and not hang on to little pieces for souvenir's sake. Prior to that, she'd been like a serial killer when it came to completely letting go of her past; she'd held on to little parts of it for memory's sake. Over the years, she'd seen Christians with that serial-killer mentality when it came to their past. She'd watched them take pieces of it to the grave until the only time their past was truly buried was when it was buried right alongside them in that casket. Mother Doreen had made up her mind that she wasn't going out like that.
Obviously, when she'd called herself handing over to God every souvenir that she had held on to, she'd dropped a few things. The devil must have been right there like a rat, chasing after the crumbs, gathering them up. And now here he was today to present them to her on a silver platter. Satan had reworked the crumbs though, turning them into a whole brand-new tempting delicacy; an attempt to lure Mother Doreen from her rightful place in God to the pits of hell.
It was working. The guilt was beginning to build up in Mother Doreen's heart again. Terrance could see that too. So just like a good little worker being used by the devil, he kept going.
“âOh, boy, you know your momma loves you,' is what my grandmother used to say to me,” Terrance said. “She had to raise me, you knowâmy grandmother. My momma couldn't take care of herself, let alone a baby. But she was real good with me at first, my grandmother told me. She thought she was living the dream; that God had restored her life, replaced her dead baby with me. So for those first few months after I was born, she was happy. She believed everything he told her; every promise. But he lied. His word wasn't worth nothing. But my grandmother used to tell my momma, âOnce a liar always a liar.'”
“Terrance, I don't know what didn't happen that your mother wanted to happen. I'm sure God has His reasons. But God is not one to lie, so if those things didn't come to pass, then it was for her own good.”
Terrance looked at Mother Doreen momentarily, and then started to laugh. “Oh, you thought I was talking about God being the one making promises and all that good stuff? Oh no. Let me be clearer. God's not the liar.” An evil grin spread across his lips. “Your husband was.”
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