The Plain White Room (13 page)

Lepus closed the cover of his exercise book as his stomach grumbled once more. He didn’t like the idea of having his work in the open for someone to read or take. So he tucked his books under his arm and walked to the kitchen.

While lunches, dinners, and breakfast were always served in the kitchen by the orderlies, there was always fruit in a big bowl in the middle of the kitchen. A fridge next to the roller door, which opened access to the canteen, was always packed full of sandwiches.

Lepus had locked it into his schedule to get a sandwich at 3pm every day.

He rested his hand on the fridge door handle and leaned in close to the glass.

His eyes darted around from one to another. Pickles and cheese, smoked ham and fennel. An endless selection. He leaned back pulling the door with him. Standing up straight it came open and in the same motion, he reached in and pulled out a ham, cheese, and tomato. The same as every other day.

Sitting at one of the tables he opened the packet and took out the sandwich. It was in triangles. Lepus started as always taking even bites out of each of the corners. Then started on the softest middle part of one square.

“Hello Lepus,” a voice came from across the table. He had been down and hadn't noticed the nurse sit down across from him. He was around Lepus’s age.

Blonde hair like Lepus’s too, but his was straight and slicked back. His uniform was straight and white. Freshly ironed by the look of it. His smile was intoxicating. Not intense or charming. Just calm and inviting.

As if when he was around there was little to worry about. He said little, but the way he spoke sounded almost pre-rehearsed. As if he’d said it a thousand times in a play on opening night. Said before in secret time and time again. But never to the audience for which it was intended.

Lepus cleared his throat. “Sorry, have we met?”

“Briefly, but you might not recall. I’ve not been around since you were first brought in. I’m sure you met many people that day.

“Oh, yes well I did. I’m sorry of call I don’t remember you. What was your name again?”

“Gareth”

Lepus nodded, not knowing what else to say. The thought as the nurse had started the dialog he should be the one to carry it. But he said nothing. This befuddled Lepus, and so they sat in silence. Lepus took a deep breath in and said, “Have ah… have you worked here long?” The man chuckled lightly.

“For a time yes.” He continued to look at Lepus.

“I’m going outside for a cigarette. Would you care to join me?”

“Aren’t nurses supposed to be healthy and notsmoke?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Um, okay.”

Lepus followed the man outside and, once they were sitting, both watched the sun go down. Lepus turned to him and said, “So what do you do when you’re not nursing?”

“Ha, nursing, brilliant,” he said leaning back in his chair. “Well I like to drive, I’m really into cars. I’ve got a Japanese import that I modded myself. I like to just drive out to the middle of nowhere, you know. Just be with my own thoughts, feel the speed and the open road.” He took a sombre drag and stared out at the sun as it disappeared behind trees of a distant park. Then finally behind the tall wall of the courtyard.

“Well,” he said turning back to Lepus, “I have to go now, there are some messages I need to get to the doctors” He smiled and floated off nonchalantly.

***

Lepus sat in an interview room. Opposite from a women who had previously been introduced to him as Doctor Katherine. A wide, smile on her face. A skinny lady, with muscular arms a kind warmth to her tone.

“So Lepus, I understand that you are no longer suicidal?” She said, calmly “but Brendon, tells me that you asked him for a razor blade?” she said with concern.

“No… I asked him if he could give me a shave. Because I know we aren’t allowedrazers? You know, for my beard, just a trim even?” Lepus scratched his blonde patchy beard with frustration.

“Ah, okay then, well, unfortunately, he has gone home, and that was in his report. So his wording may have been misleading, but that coupled with a complaint against you from yesterday which, despite the client's brain damage and extensive history of drug abuse, we must take with all seriousness. As such at this point, I have to deem your behaviour to be too erratic. We won't be taking you through to the next stage; I mean next facility. Ah sorry, a private hospital, as you requested.”

Lepus sighed long and hard. Thinking to himself
Miriam, damn you. I should have just left you to your screams.

***

Lepus brushed his hair out of his face.

Turning on his side, he tried to keep his eyes closed tight, but they eased open. His body was so limp it felt like it was oozing into the bed, becoming a part of it.

Just not sleepy at all, the table next to his bed, invited him to read, listen to music, anything but sleep. He could sleep later. Just not sleepy at all, the table next to his bed, invited him to read, listen to music, anything but sleep. He could sleep later. 

There was always time, there is always time, for reading. For breaking your precious schedule, for flying kites and eating cookies
, he thought.

He opened his eyes wide and sighed with ease. It was so freeing knowing he had nowhere to be; He could sink into sleep, or stay up all night. In hospital, he was no slave to deadlines.

He loved his little oasis from life's little white empty room. Looking down at his hands, brushing the white and blue blankets around him to make sure they were flat. Everything in its place. He’d alwayshad been a bit of a pedant. Always attentive to the details of life. His brother had always maintained that’s why he made ‘such a good science type.' His athletic, tall, brunette older brother Brad, had always bulldogged him through life.

Lepus, always the quiet, reserved, type had had no quarrel with this. Brad would tussle his sandy blonde locks and jab him in the ribs. ’My little study bug.’

Raising his hands from the blankets, Lepus stared right into the cracks of his hands.

“Oh little atoms, what would I do without you.” He muttered.

He began to imagine, the spinning little wave particles, he had spent his life chasing. He had asked one of his friends once, a fellow student, if they ever just. Stared. Stared into space, “you know, wishing you were a particle, trying to watch them whirl around you,” he had asked.

“Um, ah… no, what do you mean Lepus?”

Lepus would sigh and look down, “Never mind.”

The small little hospital room faded away around him. He began to imagine a strand of his soft Blonde hair floating to the sheets. Past an infrared light wave, down to a little piece of his DNA Lying on the bed. Then he could see small water molecules, towering over atoms, circling dancing protons. Then Quarks, preons, neutrinos, quantum foam, and open strings touching all his body. 

Everything he had spent the last few years learning about, it relaxed him.

His eyes drooped, as he leant back, slipping into sleep.

***

A faint cough echoed through the silent room interrupting Lepus’s thoughts. Tony stood awkwardly in the doorway. Unable to step any further without crushing any papers.

“Oh I’m so sorry,” Lepus exclaimed.

Gathering up as many of the papers as he could.

“That’s, that’s fine,” Tony said skirting past to get to the drawer next to his bed. Lepus shoved all of the papers into his exercise book.

Tony took something out of his draw which Lepus couldn’t see and placed it in his pocket. Tony sat on his bed and looked down at Lepus still sitting on the floor.

He absent-mindedly looked at the whiteboard on the wall opposite Lepus’s bed.

“During the night, I am kept awake by the chatter of my disquiet self. It speaks softly of old hurts and fondly of past love but in a hundred voices that together make the sound of an army. 

Anxieties resound throughout me in multitudes. I could be calm and composed all day long but my mind marches the same each night.” Tony said, still staring into space. Then without a word he stood up to walk out.

“I know,” Lepus’s said, the words leaving his mouth without him thinking. As if it was an automated response. Once they were out, they felt like they floated off their own accord in the air. 

Surprised by the words even though he had been the one to speak.

Tony turned his head and looked back at him.

“It’s okay,” Lepus said, his mind catching up with his words. Tony nodded briefly then walked out. Lepus stood up; his legs had pins and needles He shook them off and sat down on his bed.

***

Lepus’s hacked his hoe into the ground with great force, his mind a thousand miles away.

Knowing this was Alice's last day in their little village of Miror Terra. Before she would ascend to begin her student exchange to ‘Real Munde’. He felt his friends next to him disappear, and leaned back and looked around. A little way in the distance he saw Yanna hugging Alice. He watched as a little troop of work friends began to flutter all about her. All saying there most sincere goodbyes. Best wishes, and how jealous they were, but how much they would miss her. 

Lepus put down his hoe, and as the crowd began to disperse he scurried over.

“All packed little lady?” he beamed.

“Eh,” she chuckled “No… but I’m going to go straight home and finish. It's so hard trying to fit everything you’ll need for a year into a suitcase. Harder deciding what you need, and what it is you want!”

Her face eased from excitement, into sadness, as she looked out over the rest of the farm.

Lepus could see the realisation creeping across his face. That she would not be seeing these people, this place, for a long time. Then her gaze loitered back to him.

Tears began to well in her eyes, “Oh, hey, no… hey.” He said placing a hand on her shoulder.

“It will be over faster than you could imagine. Then you’ll be kicking yourself that you gave a thought to missing us, it's only a year. Years will run past in a flash.” He said, trying to be reassuring, “Come on, I’ll walk you to the edge of the field.”

They began to walk back towards her house, as others mingled back to their work. Lepus hadn’t taken his break yet and was sure his boss wouldn’t mind. As they passed trees and sheds. Finally going to the edge of the spinach field. It was where Lepus worked part-time, and Alice on weekends.

Turning to her, he said “okay, well, don’t forget me” he said smiling and nudging her.

She looked up at him, sniffling, her eyes puffing. To be leaving everything she ever knew behind. Everyone she relied on, a huge. A long adventure with no way of changing her mind and coming back, halfway through if she changes her mind. If she hated the people, if it was all too foreign and strange. 

Lepus opened his arms, and she embraced him in his deep hug. His stomach started to turn and tense.

A year.

A whole year without her. No more cute, curious, smile, like no one else in the world. No more dark, alternative, clothes, with her cute little hippy hats. No more, glowing, growing, wonderful friendship.

No opportunity, to hold her hand, or kiss her cheek, not that he had ever felt the need in the past. Not for a whole year.

Wait a moment,
he thought, as she squeezed his chest.
Why did he want to hold her hand so much; they were just friends
.

As she leaned back in his arms, to catch one last glimpse back up, into his eyes. His arms wrapped around her, tears streaming down her cheeks.

One year,
a voice seethed from the back of Lepus’s mind. The voice sounded strange, though.

Almost as if it was a mix of two people talking at once, unanimous voices.

One year you fool.

Kiss her.

Between the thought and the action, there was pure silence. A moment of complete clarity, where the world sunk away and with his eyes closed Lepus felt her lips brush his. It was wonderful, scary but simple and sweet.

Releasing her, he opened his eyes and stared into her stunned face.

Ops…

“You’ll be fine okay? You're stronger, braver, kinder and more clever than anyone else I know. It will be hard at first, but will be so fun that at the end you will not want to ever leave. Just please be safe.” he emphasised the last word so much.

She nodded as a slight coy; grin began to emerge, her shock subsiding. At least, he had found a way to make the tears stop running he thought. As he turned, as red as a beetroot. Walking away, with a quickened pace, back to work,
I hope that was shock, not horror,
he thought.

***

Six weeks passed without a word. Every day Lepus’s hand trembled with excitement as he rattled around in his letterbox. Usually disappointed. Pulling out bill's, university letters, fliers. Finally, today however, he pulled out a tiny letter. Written on with a big black permanent marker.

Postmarked 'Real Monde'. Lepus almost squealed then looked around to make sure the no one had seen his girlish excitement.

He rushed inside tearing at the sides of the letter. Finally feeling like he has been waiting a century for this letter to arrive He slumped into his desk chair. Placing the letter in front of him, squared in line with his desk. He has been waiting for it since his pen left the page when writing the words “write me back soon!”

To my best buddy Lepus, WELL I don’t know what to write. You’re too good for words. Maybe I should just leave it blank? NAH, I’ll do my best for you! So, what’s up? – Jeez, a great way to start a letter, hm, I’ll start again! To my dear amigo, basically, I think that you’re aFANTASTIC guy! Really! Whether or not you know it, I think you’re amazing. Incredibly friendly and always there for me when I’m upset about stupid things, you should realise how much that means t
o
me because I want to thank you. So it’s like this much (I’m holding out my arms real far), bu
t
scaled up times, like 8492613794… Does that make any sense? Especially being here, I guess that you know how easily I can be upset or whatever, but thinking about you always seems to cheer me up.

I’m so glad that we got to become close before I left! I sometimes think, if we hadn’t, like, what if I had left a little earlier? Maybe we would have never got to know each other! So anyways, I hope you enjoyed my silly little letter, and maybe now you could write me one back, which would be so cool! … hint hint. Do it. How do people even finish letters? Catch… I have no idea, well if you can be bothered reading the letter again just skip to this bit because it’s the important part, I love you, you’re my best friend. Sorry for my scaredy cat tiny writing, I can be a bit shy. Please don’t forget about me while I’m away! (Insert cute puppy dog eyes) Speak soon okay!? I’ll find a phony-wony that you can call me on my birthday! Times zones mean it will be like 1am for you though I miss you! Letter hugs and kisses till I see you again! Xoxo

***