The Power of Coincidence (6 page)

There is synchronicity in the events of the day that create a strong reaction in us. They are metaphors for deeper unacknowledged feelings and unfinished emotional business that may be calling for attention. For example, being overly upset about being delayed behind a school bus may be a metaphor for something holding up the traffic on our life journey. We are living behind an obstacle over which we have no control. Then we see the choice to become more of a controller or more of a listener. This is openness, a readiness to learn.

When we are ready to learn, a teacher appears. This is synchronicity and can occur with the living or the dead. Occasionally, a person who died long ago or recently comes to our mind over and over in the course of a week or more. It could be that the meaning of that person in our life is coming home to us in a compelling way. Perhaps we learned something from that person and need to remember it now. This may be another form of synchronicity. The face of the teacher appears when the time has come to be instructed or to gain a deeper insight into who we are. This might even be the time to ask that person to be our guide if that fits our worldview.

Those who guide and teach are also touched by synchronicity. Therapists may notice that clients seem to appear presenting just the issues that they themselves most need to work on. Teachers are asked just the questions they may need to ask themselves. Writers may be writing about just what they most need to focus on in their own lives.

Synchronicity activates and enlivens us when there is a significant coincidence between what happens to us and our internal readiness for a change or a transition. As I am in a letting go phase, losses happen. In my challenge phase, opportunities and oppositions happen. To integrate is to go with what wants to happen, not stopping the momentum of that which I cannot change but riding it, jumping on the train just as it comes through the station. Trust is always an invaluable companion on the synchronous track. Our work is then to capitalize on conscious choice moments that match inner unconscious momentum.

Some events are meaningful coincidences in that they touch off a chain reaction, for example, a painful loss leads eventually to a surprisingly positive outcome. We may not know how what is happening right now really fits into our future. “We do not know whether the things afflicting us are the secret beginning of our happiness or not,” wrote Jorge Borges. We can only trust that in addition to all that we see, there is some other vision that will appear and make all this appear as just right for our growth. A spiritual practice of trust and openness is necessary if synchronicity is to be appreciated.

There is a special synchronicity in suddenly saying Yes to an offer or experience that would ordinarily be out of character for us to assent to. We break through an inhibition or a fear and suddenly we find ourselves in a new unexplored world that challenges and stretches us. And lo, this new realm accurately reflects our deepest needs and wishes. A whole new chapter opens in our lives because of a chance change. The
yes
to something that anytime before would have received a
no
was synchronicity within us taking us beyond our limits. Whoever made the original invitation was an assisting force, a grace in person.

Grace is the higher power than ego at work in synchronicity. This power seems to have heart, that is, to want what is best for our growth. This follows from the fact that synchronous events usually present just the challenges that make for our personal progress and for that of our planet. Since so many significant events of our lives happen in unplanned, synchronous ways, we can trust the universe to be in on our journey to venture beyond the limitations of our controlling ego. The eternal present makes an appearance in the momentary present. This is why it seems fitting to say that synchronicity guides us into spirituality.

Synchronicity is found also in the coincidence of an image we have held onto with fascination over the years and some piece of our work on ourselves for which it is a metaphor. Anything that has gripped and enriched us has a larger meaning than we may guess. If all my life I have been in awe of the shapes and subtleties of seashells, there is probably a lesson or an assistance (physical, psychological, or spiritual) that will come to me precisely at the time I need it from the presence or image of shells. Dostoevsky says, “It must have lain hidden in my soul, though I knew nothing of it, and it rose suddenly to my memory when it was needed.” Images held onto with fascination are thereby assisting forces. Blisses are too! “When you follow your bliss,” Joseph Campbell says,“doors open where there were no doors before!” That is synchronicity. And, when bliss meets talent, behold the synchronicity of finding a vocation.

The quotation from Dostoevsky can also refer to how we may not notice that an activity, learning, or project we have been engaged in will come in handy later in an unexpected way. Synchronicity is at work when our actions turn out to be preparations we have unwittingly made to handle a future need. For instance, we keep reading a poster in the restroom at work about how to perform the Heimlich maneuver and then, at a family dinner, we use it to save our aunt from choking. We join a
sangha
or faith group and engage in spiritual practices and soon thereafter we face a crisis and all of that shores us up well. We volunteer at a hospice and, when our spouse dies suddenly, its services are there for us.

In synchronicity a coincidence makes a meaningful connection between our vocation and our destiny. Our destiny is to evolve, to be fulfilled, to become self-realized, and to share our unique gifts. Some of our gifts are talents, skills, and aptitudes, psychological and physical. Our spiritual gifts are showing love unconditionally, seeing and acting wisely, and bringing healing to ourselves and our world. To have gifts means they are given. Thus we are receiving the help of assisting forces, graces that our ego’s power cannot construct on its own. Synchronicity is one of those forces of grace. It is the spur of the moment in that it spurs us on and it happens just in time for us to learn or make a move or grow in some new way. Synchronicity is also
just
in time in the sense that it is part of the justice of the evolutionary universe in bringing us exactly the pieces we need to fashion—or be fashioned by—our destiny.

Synchronicity can also be recognized as we look back upon our life and notice how it all prepared us or instructed us for the fullest fruition of our potential. A hidden feeling or truth waited to be awakened by just the right person or circumstance, sometimes painfully. “My wounds are making me a wounded healer. My Jewish background has led me to take action against genocides everywhere on the globe. My neglectful father helped me practice for the independent life I live now. My destiny had to have just such a beginning.” James Hillman writes, “This way of seeing removes the burden from the early years as having been a mistake and yourself a victim of handicaps and cruelties; instead it is the acorn in the mirror.”

A D
ARK
S
IDE

There is negative synchronicity in world events that bring destruction because of a dangerous or tragic coincidence in time, place, or decision. For example, the iceberg that destroyed the Titanic began to form fifteen thousand years ago. In 1909, while the ship was being constructed, it broke off from Greenland and began to move toward the North Atlantic. Unusually, it traveled as far south as the latitude of New York City. In April 1912 it crossed paths with the Titanic, resulting in the deaths of fifteen hundred passengers. The captain had decided to speed up the voyage. If the ship had kept to its original schedule, it would not have collided with the iceberg that was steadily moving toward no particular destination.

Two terrifying negative synchronicities have appeared in our contemporary world. We see country after country engaging in wars and terrorism and proud of having nuclear weaponry. Secondly, we see a rise in fundamentalism and religious fanaticism all over the world. Both these threats to planetary stability seem unstoppable by the forces that speak up against them. The prophetic voices are heard but not believed, and they remain marginal in any case. At the same time, there is certainly a rise in spiritual consciousness among people everywhere. Part of this is owing to the negative synchronicity of China’s attack on Tibet triggering exile for so many monks and teachers. This led to the positive synchronicity of Buddhism coming to the West in a stronger way than ever before. All these events are happening at the same time. Negative and positive synchronicity seem to be meeting, but we do not yet see a convergence in favor of sanity and the arts of peace and cooperation.

Consider an example that is more personal: You meet someone who captivates you. By synchronicity you meet up with him again and again. You are excited and you presume this is the force of destiny. You believe he is your soul mate but in reality he is the trickster who takes all you have and leaves you flat. There was indeed a connection between you but it was not destiny. It was karma. You met him so you could learn something, not so that you could live happily ever after in his embrace. This appears to be negative synchronicity but becomes positive when you gain knowledge of yourself from your experience, learn not seek to revenge but let go, and of course, become more careful the next time.

P
RACTICING
B
EGINNER
’
S
M
IND

1. List the things you are finding out about yourself from this book and from the synchronicities of your recent life. For instance, if a series of losses have occurred, has it been difficult or easy to grieve and let go? Usually, when we are ready to know where our work is, we are ready to begin doing it. The work consists of addressing, processing, and hopefully, thereby resolving what has come up. As you move through this book, you will be gathering skills that will help you in that enterprise. Begin today by reading your list aloud and saying, “Yes, this did happen. Yes, I have something to learn from it. Yes, I am willing to stay focused on this and to feel the feelings that come up around it.” Even if you are not ready to do all this today, you are beginning the process, and having that beginner’s mind alone is success. Form an image of your inner psychologist and your inner guide and ask their assistance in the ongoing project of living a more and more conscious and self-expanding life.

2. Consider the problem or symptom that nags at you physically or emotionally. It may be a synchronous repetition that symbolizes a deep cry or longing that you have failed to acknowledge. Give it a hearing and follow what it says. Do this by dialoguing with the symptom or problem in written form. Look particularly for the gift dimension of the symptom that plagues you. Since we contain all apparent opposites, there is a valuable kernel in even the most hard-shell suffering. It might be in a lesson that you learn. It might be in the opening of a new room in your psyche, a new space for a deeper look at yourself. It might be in the engendering of compassion for others who suffer as you do.

3. Notice the circular self-negating phrases from your parents that you keep hearing in your head. Notice those you say most often to your children or partner. How are these true in a larger sense than is found in the literal meaning? How do these verdicts dictate your life choices, your manner with others, and your self-image? How can they be redesigned so that they are healing? What are the positive hurrahs you heard in childhood and the ones you say to others now? Which of my choices this week are based on obligation or fear and which flow from bliss?

4. What you have wanted to be all your life may be synchronous with what the universe needs from you to fulfill your destiny of happiness and the capacity to give to others what only you can give. What has held you back from going for it? What has propelled you toward it? Thank the people who encouraged your self-emergence. Let yourself feel anger, but not blame, toward those who interfered with your achievement of your life goals. What will it take for you to let go of blame and shame and to move on under your own steam? Are you saying to yourself that it is too late? If you are, picture Grandma Moses now and tell her that in your mind. She began painting in her seventies and died at one hundred and one!

As I settle into the reality of who I am, with pride in my gifts and unabashed awareness of my limits, I notice that I feel lighter and happier.

S
YNCHRONICITY AND
M
IRRORING
L
OVE

Only in the arms of someone can the first “I am” be pronounced, or rather, risked.

—D.W. W
INNICOTT

A profoundly personal form of synchronicity is in mirroring in early life. Mirroring is a pleased and gracious acceptance of an infant by a mother so that she reflects and responds to his needs. The infant has precisely the needs that his mother can instinctually fulfill, a form of synchronous correspondence that makes for our survival. Such mirroring installs a coherent sense of self, that is, a healthy, functional ego identity. Resourceful children whose parents were inadequate or neglectful about mirroring found their own sources of mirroring in relatives, other adults, older siblings, etc. Later in life we seek mirroring from partners in friendship and through intimate relationship.

Mirroring is unconditional positive regard shown by these five
As
: attention, acceptance, affection, appreciation, and allowing. Mothers and fathers gain an ability to grant these fulfilling gifts as part of becoming parents. Romantic love also makes the five
As
instinctive and easy to give and receive. Our self-esteem and selfrespect emerge from and are sustained by a mirroring dialogue first with parents and then with those with whom we relate lovingly. Why do we fear abandonment so much? It is the withdrawal of mirroring, a necessity if we are to survive emotionally.