The Power of Coincidence (9 page)

I operate on a hierarchical (not cooperative) dominance model

I demand that I be highly appreciated for every good deed

I have to be excused for every misdeed, denying or justifying my misbehavior and canceling any need for amends

I cannot be criticized or even given feedback without becoming defensive or aggressive

I cannot lose face, that is, lose ego, nor can I apologize

I have to come out looking good

I believe I am entitled to an exemption from the conditions of ordinary existence

I demand love, respect, and loyalty no matter what

I have to return a favor (keep it even, don’t be beholden to anyone)

I cannot show that I need others or that I am dependent on them in any way

Retaliation is my favorite sport

Note the compulsive, aggressive—and painful—flavor of all the above. The lifestyle of the inflated ego is compulsive since we
have
to act in these ways, lest we lose control or the rank we believe ourselves entitled to, even at any cost of our own peace of mind. In fact, there is no peace when ego rules. It is aggressive because of its “me first” attitude and its retaliatory, punitive flavor. It is painful because the person with this neurotic ego is full of fear, feels terribly anxious about losing face, and notices that, though he may win, he certainly is not being loved. In a job in which he has even minimal authority, he may demand rigid adherence to the rules, lord it over others, and strongly punish those who defy his authority.

Ask yourself: Does my ego become confused with self-reliance?

“I won’t give up (or in).”

“I keep my word.”

“I said I’ll do it and I will.”

These may be self-reliance
or
ego. They are examples of self-reliance when they are flexible and interdependent in how they play out. They are ego when they are unilateral, self-centered, and meant to establish and maintain an arrogant persona. How do they size up in my life?

An example of the capacity of the ego to sustain its rage and indignation is in the instance of the divorced man who kidnaps his children and keeps them away from their mother for years. Another might be in someone who refuses to talk to a friend for years after a single instance of being snubbed. One affront, even unintended, can keep the ego angry and mean-spirited for the rest of one’s life. The essence of the neurotic ego is the terror of having to face the conditions of existence without control over them or entitlement to exemption from them. In healthy relating, our ego-control is deposed in favor of equality. Entitlement becomes asking for what we want with the understanding that we may not get it. Our indignation (ego anger) then shows itself as sadness about not being loved as we wanted to be and, paradoxically, we become much more lovable.

Here are some declarations that help alter the ego’s compulsions. You can use them as aspirations, and they become a part of your spiritual practice:

I give up having to get my way.

I let go of controlling and manipulating others.

I am open to appreciation, understanding, and love and let go of demanding it.

I admit when I am wrong and make amends.

I invite others to call me on my mistakes.

I accept the fact that I do not always win or gain.

I ask for what I want without demanding it, and I can take no for an answer.

I am fully responsible for my behavior and predicament.

I love, respect, and make allowances for others.

I forego the wish or plan to punish or hurt others.

I forego the desire and the plan to retaliate.

I am becoming truer to my higher Self, where unconditional love abounds.

As I let my ego urges be dissolved, I discover and uncover my indestructible Self.

Note the generous sweetness of all the above! Show this practice section to three people: your significant other or best friend, the person who criticizes you the most, and a member of your family of origin. Ask each of them to suggest which listings seem to apply to you. Thank each of them without putting up any argument. Humility without humiliation is the best path to letting go of the arrogant ego.

L
OSING
/S
AVING
F
ACE

The ego is inflated when its main concern is saving F.A.C.E.:
f
ear,
a
ttachment,
c
ontrol, and
e
ntitlement. The ego does not know its first name, fear, only its last name, entitlement. To be caught in the rigidities of the arrogant ego is to live in fear. Transformation is letting love no longer be only a letting in but also a letting through. This can happen because love was behind our fear all the while, waiting for its chance to scale the wall and then to sift through us to everyone else. We provide the Self that chance when we let go of ego. This is what is meant by saying that spirituality and compassion begin with the dismantling of ego. Wisdom/compassion means that we have finally seen through our habit of self-positioning and self-aggrandizement. Once we see how much of our creative energy we sink into saving F.A.C.E., we notice so many others doing the same useless thing and compassion happens.

It seems that it is healthy not to care too much about others’ opinions of us. To say that others’ opinions and reactions to us do not matter does not mean that others do not matter. It is only to say that we have an immovable center of great value, and that no one can supplant it or is needed to enhance it. Freedom from fear and craving protects the soul’s core with healthy boundaries. A healthy ego sets these boundaries and maintains them.

It follows from all this that people and events that challenge and deflate our ego are assisting forces on our journey to the greatest of all synchronicities in human fulfillment, the ego/Self axis, our life purpose. Each assisting force that comes along in meaningful coincidences is a personification of grace. Ego enemies are friends of the Self. We might say it this way: “The woman who betrayed me, the boss who fired me, the son who turned against me, the friend who called me on my selfishness, the teacher who showed me how much I needed to learn may all have been players in the touching drama of my uphill liberation from ego. Each helped me by giving me the opportunity to let go of my arrogant entitlements in favor of humility and vulnerability, the antechambers to the throne-room of love, the real power in my life. The fact that just the right people appeared at just the right time in just the right place is a dazzling synchronicity.”

The afflicting forces in our story were the fear-driven people and institutions that imposed the shoulds and rigid restrictions that were self-limiting, not self-protecting They were
guards against
our freedom. The assisting forces were those who provided flexibility and liberty to experience and experiment. They were the
guardians of
our freedom. Who comes to mind and what were the synchronous events that brought us together?

Spiritual warrior energy applied to the dismantling of ego takes two forms: taking hold and letting go/letting be. The warrior’s work is accomplished by self-discipline, ultimately a form of healthy selflove. Self-denial—ego denial—is “not denial of me but of the me that gets in the way,” says W. H. Auden. The spiritual warrior’s work is also done by simply sitting, letting be. Synchronicity lets us know just when to hold on or let go: a series of losses invites us to let go; a series of opportunities encourages us to take hold. A bear knows when to fight and claw her way to what she wants and when to lie down and let nature take its somnolent course. She does by natural instinct what we do by spiritual attentiveness to synchronicity. Look at the metaphor of hibernation. The bear enters a self-dug cave for one to four months with no eating or drinking since he survives on his own body fat, even recycling his own waste. He awakes weighing 25 percent less than he weighed when he lay down. Can I let that much of my ego go? Instead, will I want to stay on guard and in full control and refuse to lie down, ever?

The Tibetan teacher Chögyam Trungpa taught that there is something sane and awake in us that is shut off when we are struggling through our dramas and holding our ego position in them. This something sane and awake is the transcendent function of the psyche that always comes up with a healing alternative in the form of an image or path that cuts through our dilemmas, no matter how confounding. It comforts us and shows us our inner resources. It comes to life in the gaps between our struggles. We stop to take time out and sit in what is. This is how Buddha sat. We often overvalue the consensual point of view that confirms our ego habits, and we thereby automatically reject these gaps or refuse to see them at all. Liberating moments happen when a habitual pattern is interrupted in favor of something altogether new, a gap in the ego’s same old story.

The humbling journey through ego is addressed paradoxically in the
Tao Te Ching:
“Attain the climax of emptiness.” When we assent to emptying ourselves of ego, Taoists say that we stumble upon a “mysterious pass through the apparently impenetrable mountains.” It opens in the midst of the jagged rocks. It appears where thoughts, fantasies, fears, and desires cease. It is the pause between stimulus and response, just where freedom resides. It is the pause between our dramatic storylines. There we become the fair and alert witnesses, and a serene sanity arises in us. This pause/pass is the soul space between ego and Self. It is the heart of us and the soul of the universe, now finally acknowledged as one and the same. In other words, it is the point at which we become and are synchronicity. “After the Way is realized, there is nowhere that is not the mysterious pass,” says the Taoist Ho Yang.

The road is fraught with danger because we are involved in a rite of passage from outside ego/persona to inside Self, from the periphery to the center of the mandala of wholeness, from the profane to the sacred, from the ephemeral to the eternal, from the mortal to the immortal, from the divided to the united. Immortality refers to a state beyond the limits of ego and the conditions of our existence. Attaining this center requires the equivalent of ego death. It is a consecration to and initiation into the sacred, that is, the discovery of one’s spirituality. It is the ultimate answer to the question, Why am I here? I am here to live out my destiny “on earth as it is in heaven.” This sounds trite at first but look more closely:

“On earth” is the metaphor for our psychological work of building a healthy ego, one that will be an apt instrument for our spiritual work. “In heaven” is the metaphor for the spiritual work of releasing unconditional love, universal wisdom, and healing power into the world. Now look at the three little words that are the bridge between: “As it is.” When I say Yes to the “as it is,” I create the bridge between earth and heaven, between my psychological and spiritual work, between my ego mortality and my immortal destiny.

E
GO
/S
ELF AT A
G
LANCE

The Self is the core of our very being. We use a capital “S” to distinguish this archetypal Self, an ancient collective energy in the psyche, from the self in lowercase, which refers to the ego or persona.

Our Self is essential, that which is permanent and indestructible in us.

Ego is existential, changing in accord with the demands, fears, or desires of the moment. It takes the form of action.

Our destiny is to exhibit existentially what is in us essentially. This is letting the light of the Self through the wounds and openings of the ego into the world. Our work is to display in our ego actions and choices the eternal design of the Self: love, wisdom, healing. This incarnational project is what is meant by “an axis of ego and Self.”

There is essential synchronicity in this aptitude for axis (individuation) in our psyche. Existential synchronicity appears in the moment that initiates or furthers the axis work. Essential synchronicity is in the eternal harmony of ego/Self and soul/universe. This is the harmony we discover in meditation. Existential synchronicity is in the meaningful coincidences that point our ego to its path. It is something we notice in our conscious attention to our life process.

M
AKING
E
GO
-F
REE
C
HOICES

Synchronicity’s messages become louder as they are listened to—as more letters are more likely from a person who knows we are reading them and responding to them seriously. Psychic literacy is the ability to read these messages; spirituality is the choice to respond to them. How do the messages come to us? They may come in synchronicity, dreams, intuitions, projection, psychic phenomena and readings, inner guides, events beyond our control, visions, sudden spontaneous powers, déjà vu, religious or mystical realizations, meditation/contemplation, an impetus from art or beauty, or active imagination.