The Predator (18 page)

In a way, she was relieved. It gave her an excuse to tell him about her failed attempt to date someone new and the reasons it hadn’t worked out.

“You saw me.”

He nodded. His lips compressed as he studied the menu with a fierce intensity.

He was jealous
. The thought popped into Alex’s mind unannounced and spread a warm glow through her belly. He was jealous. That had to be a good sign.

The waiter returned and took their orders. When he left, Alex lay her hand over Brandon’s and gave it a squeeze. His gaze snapped back to hers.

“I was having breakfast with Phillip.”

He tried to remove his hand. She tightened her grip.

“Your boyfriend.”

“No, not my boyfriend. A man I’d only just met.”

Brandon frowned in disbelief. “Only just met? You looked awfully cozy to me.”

Alex shrugged. “I can’t answer that. Maybe that’s how it looked to you, but I can tell you, I “met” him a few weeks ago on an online dating site and Saturday morning was our first date. Believe it or not, but that’s the truth.”

Hope and uncertainty warred in the depths of Brandon’s eyes.

“So, he’s not your boyfriend? He’s not the man you said you were seeing?”

“No, he’s not my boyfriend, but yes, he is the man I told you I was seeing.”

Confusion shadowed his face. “I thought you said you’d only just met?”

Alex suppressed a sigh. “I did. When I told you I was seeing someone…” She gave an embarrassed shrug. “I guess I should have told you I was seeing someone online. We hadn’t actually met. I wanted you to think I was with someone because I was scared and confused about all the things that were happening and I didn’t know how you felt and—I don’t know. I just said it.”

A smile crept across Brandon’s face. “You just said it. It wasn’t true. You weren’t seeing anyone. You
aren’t
seeing anyone.”

Alex nodded, her lips stretching upwards. “That’s right. I just said it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. It just came out.”

Brandon grinned. “I should be mad as hell at you, but I’m not. You don’t know how much I hated the thought of you with that guy.”

“I’m sorry, Brandon. I really am. I guess I wanted it to be true. I wanted to be able to say I was over you. It wasn’t until I was out with Phillip that I realized how much I’d been lying to myself.”

Brandon’s grin widened. He grabbed both of Alex’s hands in his and squeezed them hard. “I’ve never been so glad to hear you’ve been deceitful. I’ve been telling myself over and over that I had to let you get on with your life, on your terms, without me. But it was hard, Alex. It’s been so hard. I promise I’ll do everything within my power to earn your love again. I don’t expect it to happen overnight, but I won’t rest until you love me with all of your heart, like you used to. I swear.”

The earnestness that flooded his face nearly did her in. The guilt that filled her was a palpable ache in the depths of her belly. Sam’s image swam before her, his innocent dark eyes staring at her accusingly. She shook her head and held on to Brandon’s hands.

“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, her voice hoarse.

“Please, say you’ll give me a chance. You’ll give
us
a chance. Please, Alex.”

She closed her eyes against his desperation. Misreading her reticence, he pleaded with her again.

“I owe you an explanation.”

“Brandon—”

“No, Alex. Let me finish. If I could turn back time, I would do everything so differently. I should have done this four years ago.”

Alex’s stomach clenched in dread. After begging him for an explanation when he’d arrived home and told her they were over and after spending countless sleepless nights conjuring various scenarios as to why he’d left, now the moment was upon her, she had no idea if she was ready. Wasn’t it true that some things were better left unsaid? After all these years, did she really want to know?

Brandon heaved a sigh. His gaze remained fixed on hers. “Please, Alex. Please let me tell you why. You deserved to be told then, and you still deserve to know now. If there is any chance for us, you have to know.”

Alex closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath, bracing herself for what was to come. Brandon lowered his gaze and began.

“My team and I had been working undercover in Jakarta for months, posing as Pakistani explosives experts looking for an opportunity to commit
jihad
. Naturally, I could never have carried off pretending I was Indonesian, but with my darker coloring and my proficiency in Arabic and the local Indonesian dialect,
Bahasa
, I was able to pull off a passable impression of an extremist with shady links to groups in Afghanistan.

“Our intelligence indicated there was a terror cell meeting regularly at a madrasa, a Muslim school, on the outskirts of Jakarta. They were suspicious at the start, but when they learned about our skills as explosives experts they gave us the benefit of the doubt.”

He offered a strained smile. “Over time, we managed to infiltrate the cell and little by little, we gained the trust and confidence of the ringleader. I also gained the confidence of a female member who carried messages between the head man and other operatives outside the madrasa. Her name was Lia. She talked the talk and whether she would have actually carried out a terrorist act was thankfully never put to the test, but she was privy to the inner workings of the cell and was happy to share what she knew. The intelligence I gathered from her over the weeks we were together proved invaluable.”

Brandon sighed and drew Alex’s hand in his.

“Things had been going to plan. Lia seemed convinced I was legitimate. We began spending more and more time together and were often deep in discussion late into the night. A lot of the time, I would sleep in cheap accommodation not far from the madrasa. She would come to my room and we would talk and make plans.”

Alex’s belly clenched with nerves. The room receded around her. She held her breath, waiting in agony for what she thought was coming.

“It was late. The night had been unbelievably hot and humid. There was no air-conditioning in the room where I was staying. I’d farewelled Lia earlier, stripped down to my underwear and gone to bed.”

He rubbed his chin and scrubbed at his hair. Tension came off him in waves. Alex remained still, barely breathing.

“It was completely dark inside the room. Despite the late hour, I found it hard to sleep. With the oppressive humidity and the constant danger of discovery, I’d had scant sleep since I’d been there. In spite of my fatigue, I knew the instant she entered my room.”

Alex bit her lip so hard she tasted blood. She wanted to cover her ears and tell him to stop, but she stayed silent and tense beside him.

“I’d told her I was single,” he admitted quietly. “She was young and attractive and she’d made it plain she was interested. Even so, I never dreamed she’d want to take things to the next level. She was Muslim, after all, and she thought I was, too.”

He turned his head and stared at her, his eyes dark with remorse. “But she also thought we shared a cause. A dream of
jihad
. To rid the world of the western infidel. She caught me unawares and quite literally with my pants down.”

Alex shook her head, no longer able to stay silent. “All this time, I never
once
suspected you’d been unfaithful. How
could
you?”

Brandon stared at her, his gaze intent on hers. “Please let me finish, Alex.”

She gritted her teeth and looked away, not knowing how she’d bear to listen to any more. No wonder he hadn’t offered any explanations on the night he’d told her they were over.

“I had to make a decision: Either play along and break my wedding vows or turn her away and risk raising her suspicions and potentially jeopardize the entire operation and the lives of the other undercover operatives in my team. Lia was a well-respected member of the terrorist cell. One word from her to her leader that we might not be genuine and we would be in a world of hurt.”

Brandon’s eyes were tortured. Alex held her breath.

“In the end, there was no decision to make. You were my world, my everything. I couldn’t do it. I sent her away with an excuse that it was too hot and I was too tired and I prayed she’d accept it at face value and nothing further would come of it.” He closed his eyes shook his head slowly back and forth. “I was wrong.”

Fear tightened Alex’s chest. She barely dared to breathe. “What happened?” she whispered.

Brandon opened his eyes and took hold of both of her hands, squeezing them almost painfully. “Three days later, we were raided by members of the terrorist cell. I don’t know if Lia suspected my cover wasn’t legitimate or if it was something as trivial as her feeling angry over my rejection, but she must have said something and the cell became suspicious.”

He sighed and scrubbed at his face. It was obvious he was finding it difficult to continue. Dread cemented in Alex’s belly and she wondered if she could bear to listen to any more. She held her breath when Brandon began to speak again.

“It was the middle of the night. Most of us were asleep. Three of my men were shot dead. Two others were wounded. I was one of the lucky ones.”

Horror rushed through her. She stared at Brandon, her mouth gaping, her mind spinning with the shock of it. He’d been attacked. Some of his team had been killed and all because he had turned Lia away. She couldn’t imagine his guilt.

“Brandon—”

“Yes, the guilt over their deaths nearly did me in. I was a mess. The AFP got me out of there as quickly as they could, but it didn’t matter. Three good men were dead. Two others would take months to heal. One of them is a paraplegic for the rest of his life. And all because of me.”

Denial raged through her. “No, Brandon, that’s not fair. Don’t do that to yourself. It wasn’t—”

He sighed deeply and brought one of her hands to his lips. She shivered from the contact. “The worst of it was,” he continued quietly, “I knew if I was faced with the same situation again, I would make the same decision. It was then I knew I had no choice. I had to let you go. I couldn’t afford to have to make that choice again—between my love for you and the safety of my men. At the time, it seemed like the only way. And in a way it was a punishment I felt I deserved. The families of some of the men lost their loved ones. How could I continue with a happy life after what I’d caused?”

Alex tried hard to process his words and somehow get over the shock of his disclosure. Never in her wildest dreams had she conjured such a scenario.

“I wish you had told me years ago,” she said quietly.

He looked at her, his eyes shadowed with sadness and regret. “So do I.” He drew in a deep breath and eased it out. “You have to remember, we’d been struggling to make it work. You wanted a baby and I didn’t. The last thing I wanted was to be responsible for another person. My head was messed up pretty bad. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I thought if I let you go, you could find someone who wanted a child as badly as you did and I—I never wanted to be placed in such a predicament again.”

“You could have transferred to somewhere safer, out of undercover operations.” She tried not to sound accusatory.

Brandon nodded. “You’re right, but I’d been buried deep in undercover operations for years. At the time, it had been all I knew. The thought of getting help and switching units and changing the direction of my career never occurred to me. It was only right that I’d been excluded from sharing my life with you—a life I no longer felt I deserved. Much later, after I’d grudgingly taken up the AFP’s offer of counseling, I realized I’d suffered
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
. After receiving treatment, I began to see things more clearly.”

She smiled sadly. “Too bad it didn’t happen sooner.”

Brandon shook his head. “You don’t know how much I regretted my decision not to tell you. I thought it would be easier to simply leave. To let you go so that you could get on with your life—the life you wanted—without me.”

Tears pricked the back of her eyes. “I never wanted to do it without you,” she whispered.

A tiny, sad smile appeared briefly on Brandon’s lips. “You don’t know how much it means to hear you say that.”

Alex stared at him, her heart thumping at what she was about to say. “I still don’t want to do it without you.”

Surprise warred with hope in Brandon’s face. He leaned closer. “I love you, Alex. I’ve never stopped loving you. I love
us
. I want there to
be
an us. Please tell me you want that too.”

Her thoughts locked on Sam and dread cemented in her stomach. How could she continue without telling him? She couldn’t. But what if her confession destroyed them before they’d even given themselves a chance? She loved him with everything that she was. She couldn’t lose him now.
He loved her, had always loved her.
She pushed away the heavy guilt and allowed the tiny spark of elation to take flight and grow and warm her through.

“I’ve never stopped loving you, either.”

His eyes darkened with emotion, and he stared at her like a man starved. Desire kindled low in her belly. His gaze dropped to her lips.

“I want so badly to kiss you, Alex, but I don’t know if I should. One minute you’re hot, the next you’re freezing me out. I don’t know whether to follow my instincts or let you set the pace. I want so badly to be with you, but I’m not sure that’s what you want.” He shook his head. “I’m so confused I can barely think straight. Please, Alex. Talk to me.”

The request was quiet, controlled, but she could see the need in his eyes. He’d never been one for playing games. Neither had she.

“I’ve missed you, too, Brandon. I’ve missed
us
. I think from the moment you walked out, I’ve been in mourning. It was like a death.”

“I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

“I wish we’d done things differently.”

His gaze intensified. “So do I.”

He leaned forward and she only had seconds to comprehend he was going to kiss her before his lips, warm and supple, were on hers.

He kissed her gently, curiously, tasting his way. Memories surfaced and fire erupted inside her. They’d always been good together. He’d always known how to turn her on. He increased the pressure of his lips. She opened her mouth and offered him access. He moaned and pressed the tip of his tongue inside.