The Price of Freedom (28 page)

“Some of you may have been set
free by your master; others may have had to sell themselves to buy their
freedom and thank God, you are now free from slavery.”  Deborah’s guilt
made her feel that they were talking directly to her and inside she cringed in
shame because she was one of those who had sold themselves for freedom.

 “But you are only free from
one master.”

“What you mean?” the woman asked.

“Anyone who sins is a slave to
sin.” Deborah and Sarah looked at each other. That is what Jethro had told
them.

“It is the masters who are slaves
to sin,” accused a dark skinned woman. “That is why they so evil!” she
declared. There were nods of agreement all around from the other slaves.

“But it is not only them. We are
all slaves to sin. In the past some of you women may have been forced to sleep
with your master even if he had a wife and some of you may be doing it
now.”  A number of women, Sarah included, lowered their eyes.

“I’m sure your conscience told you
it was wrong. Before, you may not have had any choice but for those of you who
are free, you do. Think about how their wives must have felt knowing that their
husbands were sleeping with you.  I’m sure that many of them tried to take
that out on you in many horrible ways and you may have hated them for it, and
understandably so, but we’re supposed to love our enemies,” said Margaret.

“That is a hard thing,” said one
man who still bore the stripes of his beatings on his back.

“Yes,” agreed the husband. “But
the good news is that you don’t have to do it alone. God will help you.”

“You said that Jesus died so that
we can be free. How is that?” asked Deborah since Jethro had not been able to
explain it to her satisfaction before.

“The Bible says that the wages of
sin is death. But rather than us receiving the wages of our sin, Jesus died in
our place and received the wages for us. This was his gift to us and if you
believe that and accept his gift you will be free and sin shall no longer be
your master.”

They then shared a story of a
woman who was caught in adultery and a crowd wanted to stone her for her sin so
they brought her to Jesus to see what he would do. Jesus challenged any of them
who had no sin to throw the first stone and when everyone left, recognizing
that they all had sin in their lives, Jesus told her to go and sin no more. His
love for her gave him compassion so rather than condemn her, he gave her the
opportunity to change the way she lived.

Go and sin no more.  Those
words reverberated in both Deborah and Sarah as they left the meeting with much
on their minds to think about.

As Deborah locked the door behind
them, Sarah headed to the kitchen where she lit the fire and put on the kettle
to make some herbal tea to soothe her head.  Thoughts were swirling around
in it and giving her a headache. Deborah joined her and asked how she was when
she saw her rubbing her temples.

“I’m real confused, child. 
Long ago my mother told me that she refused to sleep with an overseer and she
got whipped for that and then it didn’t matter if she refused or not because he
took what he wanted and that is how she had me. When I first went to the
plantation I was innocent so when Master Thomas told me to come to his room, I
was frightened to go but I was even more frightened that he would flog me so I
went.”

“He was good to me and I liked to
be with him. To tell the truth I never thought about how the mistress felt.
Then she started to treat me bad and the worse she treated me, the gladder I
was that he preferred me to her.”

“Ma, you didn’t have any
choice.  But I had a choice.  Richard gave me a choice and I didn’t
have to take it.  I didn’t have to go to his bed. I knew that he was
engaged and I knew that it was wrong and I still did it.  I’m worse than
you.”

“We both
sinners.
  There is no bad sin and worse sin, all is the same. If I
want to serve Master Jesus I
goin
’ have to stop
serving Master Thomas because one of the things they said is that you can’t
serve two masters.” Sarah sounded grieved at the thought of giving up Thomas
and Deborah realized that she genuinely loved him.

Deborah could understand how she
felt. For the first time she was glad that Richard had gone back to Carolina so
that she would not have to make the hard decisions that her mother was now
grappling with.

The water began to boil in the
kettle and she got up to make them both a cup of chamomile tea which would help
them to sleep.  She added some skullcap to Sarah’s to ease her headache
which was probably caused by tension or perhaps it was guilt. Her own guilt
plagued her.  She had not been interested in hearing Jethro when he told
them they could be free from sin.  The only thing she had cared about was
being free from slavery. Now as she sipped her tea her conscience reminded her
of the things she had done, the hatred she had had in her heart, especially for
William, choosing to sleep with Richard for her freedom and she knew that she
had to deal with them if she wanted to be really free.

Sarah dreaded Thomas’ next trip to
town.  He had not been for a few weeks now and she knew that he would soon
be coming back. Although the Quakers had left, the group had taken to meeting at
the Brown’s and talking about some of the things they had learned and some of
the ones who could read, like Deborah, read the Bible to them.

She knew that she couldn’t
continue to entertain Thomas in her bed, not if she wanted to do what was
right.  Why was this so hard?  She knew that most masters in Barbados
bedded their slaves and many also had free women as mistresses. These women
often lived in Town and its surroundings and the men frequently came to spend
time with them, as Thomas did with her.  But just because everyone was
doing it did not make it right.  She prayed for strength to resist him
even as she longed to see him again.  Unless he was prepared to just visit
her as a friend, she would not be able to see him anymore.

Sarah felt as if her thoughts
conjured up Thomas when he appeared in the shop before noon the next day. 
He looked so handsome that she devoured him with her eyes even as she felt a
pang in her heart that she could no longer have him in that way. He took the
key to the door upstairs so that he could put down his bag before he went about
his business in town and when he returned it, she could see him looking at her
with anticipation.

A sudden anxiety gripped her and
she could barely concentrate on dealing with her customers that day. She didn’t
know how she would tell him that she could no longer sleep with him. 
After all she had never refused him before but now she was free and she had a
choice.  She considered using Deborah’s excuse but knew that she would
only be delaying doing what she had to do. She had begun to feel peace and joy
such as she never had before in her life and she didn’t want to lose that so
she would have to make the hard decision.

Deborah saw how distracted her
mother was and knew that she was thinking about what she would tell Thomas that
evening.  She didn’t envy her as she knew how hard it would be. Why was
life always so hard? When would things ever work out for them?  She would
love her mother to find a free man and get married since she was still young and
beautiful; someone who would love her and appreciate her and be free to do
so.  She knew that Jethro had a soft spot for her mother.  Maybe
Master Thomas would free him and they could get married.  She would pray
about it. She had no desire to pray for anyone for herself as her heart was
still bruised from losing Richard.

By the time evening came and they
closed up the shop Sarah was in turmoil.  Thomas had not returned yet and
for that she was glad.  It gave her some time to freshen up and prepare
herself to talk to him.  She prayed for the right words to say and she
hoped that he would understand.

When Sarah greeted Thomas later
that evening and led him into the kitchen where she watched him eat the meal
she had prepared she could hardly sit still and kept getting up to fix things
that did not need fixing.

“What’s the matter, Sarah?” asked
Thomas with concern.  He had never seen her so jittery.

“Let’s go into the parlor so that
we can talk,” she suggested. Deborah had headed for her room after coming upstairs
so that her mother and Thomas would have some privacy.

Thomas sat in a two-seater chair
but rather than sit next to him Sarah sat in a straight backed chair close by.

“About a month ago, Deborah and I
went to a Quaker meeting,” she began.

“Quaker meeting?
Those people are nothing but troublemakers,” Thomas exclaimed.

“You may call them troublemakers
but they told us the truth and they made us realize that how we were living was
not right.” Thomas already sensed what was coming and he braced himself.

“I never really thought about how
the mistress must have felt about me and you. But I know now that it was wrong
and she only treated me bad because she felt bad. I know that if you were my
husband and you didn’t come in to me but you called for Hattie or Cassie, I
would feel real bad.” The pang of conscience that stirred in Thomas as Sarah
spoke became a full force by the time she had finished. He could say
nothing.  There was no argument for the truth.

“So what are you saying Sarah?” he
asked sadly, already knowing the answer.

“I real sorry Thomas, but I can’t
sleep with you anymore. I know that it wrong. But you welcome to visit us
whenever you in town.  I can sleep with Deborah and you can have my room
unless you want to stay at a boarding house.”

Thomas felt a deep sadness that
their almost twenty year old relationship was finished; at least the way it
used to be.  He knew that there was no point trying to change Sarah’s mind
because he could see that she was as saddened as he was and he knew that it could
not have been an easy decision.

“OK, Sarah.  I will have to
accept that this is what you want. As long as you know that if you ever change
your mind, I will be here.  I would still like to come and see you and
Deborah and make sure that you are alright.” Sarah nodded.  She couldn’t
speak past the lump of emotion in her throat.  All she could do was pray
that God would take away the pain in her heart.

October 12, 1696

Charles Town

Carolina

The Fairfax family was dining
alone for a change. Richard was relieved, as he had no interest in attending
another party or entertaining friends.  In fact he had begged off many
invitations, insisting that Charles escort Ann in his place.  His mother,
in particular, was less than pleased but he really did not feel like humoring
her. He was surprised that rather than getting dimmer with time, he missed
Deborah as acutely as the day he left and he therefore had little patience for
Ann and her constant desire for social interaction.

He had been to see Anise once, and
that was only to bring closure to their relationship since he had no desire for
her.  So here he was, being without a woman for almost three months and no
desire for any other than Deborah. When he thought back to the conversation he
had had with Charles months ago, when he scoffed at love, he felt that his own
words had come back to taunt him.

He had thrown himself back into his
work and at Ben’s urging had also started investigating the equipment and
manpower he would need to begin cultivating rice. They had even started to
prepare the budget but it did not give him the excitement that it would have a
few months before.

He did his best to avoid being
alone with Ann and he hoped that she believed his hints that it was because he
was tempted to pre-empt their marriage vows when in fact it was quite the
opposite. He did not know how he would marry her and if the truth be told, he
had recently begun to ask himself if he could marry her. The idea depressed him
and he felt as if he would be giving up his freedom. 
But
freedom to do what?
  He would have the freedom to run her father’s
plantation as he wanted, so what was it that he was really afraid of giving up?

“Richard,” his mother interrupted
his thoughts. “Don’t you think it’s time to set a date for your wedding? 
You have been at home almost three months now and I have not heard any talk of
it from you.  In fact one would think that Charles was Ann’s fiancé since
he seems to escort her about more than you.  What has gotten into
you?  You have not seemed yourself since you came back from
Barbados.  All you do is work and skulk about in your room.”

“Mother, I do not skulk about in my
room.  I am usually so tired after working that I prefer to go to bed
early rather than go to the endless social events that you ladies seem to love
to attend.”

“If I didn’t know better,” chimed
in Charlotte who was visiting with her husband of just one month, “I would say
that he is heartsick.”

“That would presume that he has a
heart,” derided Charles who resented how badly Richard had treated Ann since
his return. Of course it was to his benefit since she poured out all her concerns
on him and he was happy to comfort her.

“I would appreciate if you two
would desist from speaking about me as if I am not present,” Richard admonished
them. Truth
be
told he did feel heartsick as Charlotte
claimed, but Charles was also right when he said that he had no heart because
he had left it in Barbados.

“But it’s true Richard.  Now
that Charlotte has mentioned it, you do seem to have the symptoms of someone
who is sick at heart. Tell me you didn’t fall in love with a girl in Barbados
as poor Ann feared.”

Richard wondered what they would
do if they knew the truth. What was the truth anyway?  All he knew was
that there was an emptiness where his heart should have been and he wondered if
running the Carlisle’s plantation could really fill it? Could he settle for Ann
after he had been with Deborah? He didn’t know what he wanted anymore. 
Life had been so simple before he went to Barbados.  He wished for that
simplicity again. Throwing down his napkin he muttered his excuses, pushed back
his chair from the table and stalked away.

Even his father, who had not got
drawn into the conversation, looked up from his plate in surprise and asked,
“What in the world has gotten into that boy?”