The Problem With Heartache (20 page)

You could close your eyes to the darkness, try forget the pain, but in the end, she’d find you. She always did.

When I’d opened my eyes again, I’d splashed water on my face, pasting on a smile and what I hoped was a damn good concealer to try and mask the lack of sleep that had bruised under my eyes. Because even if I didn’t have Lachlan, I still had my family. And I had to do this, put on a show, for them.

Some show it had been. What I’d shrugged off as nonsense last night, a throwaway line of Lee’s as he fell asleep, had now been locked in my brain. Because when I went back to his hotel room earlier this morning, determined to find out if he’d been talking crap or not, I’d seen it in his eyes. He’d said no; he’d shaken his head. And I would have walked away, believing I’d made a mistake, hell, even believing that maybe I had made the whole thing up—until he’d called me crazy.

Lee Collins didn’t call people crazy. He was as sensitive about the word as I was.

That was when I knew. Lee Collins had killed a man.

I pressed the button for the lift and tapped my foot, that emotional energy tearing at my insides again.

The sound of glass or porcelain smashing in the distance made me flinch. I flicked my head around, no doubt in my mind that it had come from his room. Shit. I’d never been scared of Lee before, but could that be … could he be a killer?

I shook my head. The idea was ridiculous. He couldn’t be. I processed the facts as I rode the lift to my floor. Aside from the sound of whatever that just was smashing, I’d never seen him lose control. He was a calm guy; funny, collected, smart … I practically rolled my eyes at myself.
Yes, Kate, we get it. You like Lee Collins. The maybe murderer.

Swiping my card over the scanner outside my room, I pushed the handle open and go in and pour myself a huge glass of water. My hands shook as I brought the cup to my mouth, from tiredness or emotional drive I wasn’t sure.

“Get yourself together, Kate.” The glass trembled against my lips, and I placed it down with force on the coffee table. I was going to cut myself, if I wasn’t careful.

I picked up my wallet, opened it to the photo of Lachlan I had there. I traced my finger over his face, his chocolate hair, his deep, brown eyes …

My throat clogged with a lump and I sucked in breath after breath, but they were harder and harder to do, and not enough to fill my lungs. My heart raced, thundering down a track, and I felt those attempted deep breaths becoming short, sharp gasps.

One.

Breathe. Hold. Release.

Two.

Breathe. Hold. Release.

Three.

Breathe. Hold. Release.

The panic attacks weren’t getting any less frequent, but I was becoming more adept at bringing myself back from the brink. I had to think about something else. Something that wasn’t Lachlan. Something to consume my mind.

Lee.
It was a surprisingly easy progression, easy enough to make me feel guilty. It was a plague, and it was rapidly infecting my body.

No, Kate. Focus.

Did he really kill his brother? I had to think. Think carefully, logically. I didn’t really believe he’d taken to him with a knife, or anything like that. Maybe a car accident? Still, I had to do some research.

I had to Google.

I grabbed my laptop from my bag and booted it up, quickly double-checking the day’s itinerary before typing in:
Lee Collins murder.

Immediately, a page of site suggestions came up. The first five all detailed plots to assassinate Lee, and I bit my lip. Morbid curiosity got the better of me and I clicked through to one, then quickly headed back to the main search results page. Some people were just sick.

The rest of the suggestions were all relating to the attempted murder and stabbing of a solder in the UK, a David Lee Collins, and then disintegrated into a heap of other gruesome news stories featuring people with fragments of that name. Not once did anything about my Lee Collins’s act of murder come up.

My Lee Collins?
I shook my head. He wasn’t
mine
to have. Even if it had felt nice, being cherished in his arms.

Even if for the first time in a long time, I’d felt safe.

Guilty.

I shut out my head, and focused on the task in front of me. Since the search turned up no results, I decided to try a different angle, and searched
Lee Collins brother
. This time I got a bunch of hits, but the first six pages were all focused on one of the earlier songs of the band, ‘O Brother’. I shook my head. I was never going to find anything at this rate.

I flopped back against the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Who knew Lee, knew him well enough to work out if he had any scandal in his life? I could ask Michael, but then, would he be close enough to know the truth there?

I closed my eyes, letting the exhaustion that had so artfully escaped my grasp last night wash over me. My shoulders slumped and my breathing became steady as I drifted off into another time, another place, where everything was okay.
Where deep brown eyes bored into mine. The scent of coffee, infiltrating my nose …

Seconds later my cell alarm went off, and I threw my hand over my face. Looked like it was time to hit the road once more.

“Are you in love with Mona yet?” Xander asked. One of his arms was wrapped around the strawberry-blonde chicky from last night, and he was leading her onto the tour bus.

“Hold it right there, buddy.” I pretended to study my clipboard. “Nope. Nowhere here does it say anything about you bringing a plus-one on the bus this morning.”

“Kate, don’t be a drag.” Xander pulled his sunnies down his nose so I could get the full effect of him rolling his eyes.

“Mona, I’m sorry, honey—”

“She’s not Mona,” Xander said. “The bus is named Mona, Kate. The bus.” His expression was aghast, as if I’d just told him Santa wasn’t real. “How can you seriously be entering almost your fourth week of tour and not even know the name of Sam’s wheels?”

I looked up at the driver who was grinning back down at me, his eyes crinkling in the corners. Xander nudged me in the shoulder, and I moved to face him, taking in his slightly devious expression. “Go on. Ask.”

I let out a sigh, but did as requested and turned my attention back to Sam. “Why do you call her Mona?” I asked.

“Because when we go long-haul, all I hear is moaning.” Sam gave a grin, then mouthed the word
sorry
at me as Xander burst into laughter, his little friend giggling as she clasped at his chest.

“We know how to make ’em moan,” Xander managed between snorts.

“I feel like moaning right now,” I muttered dryly. “Anyway, do you have to bring … her?” I looked at the girl. Big aviators covered her eyes, and she was wearing the same super short shorts and tiny tank she was in last night. Seriously, the girl was so thin I could make out individual ribs on her chest. Maybe I should let her on the bus. It wasn’t like she’d affect our overall vehicle weight.

“Thanks, Kate, you’re a champ.” Xander took my question as permission and clapped me on the back as he walked up the stairs, dragging his toy along behind him. “We’ll be in the bedroom if you need us.”

“Didn’t need to be said,” I yelled back, looking down at my list. The bus was fully loaded, and we were ready to go. We were only missing one person. One kind of super-important person.

I clambered up the stairs back into the bus and started walking toward the end room.

“Can you believe him?” Lottie rolled her eyes in Xander’s direction as I passed her. I shook my head and shrugged. It seemed an odd thing to be upset about, given the circumstances. I mean, he wasn’t the one late on the bus.
She didn’t have a thing for Xander … did she?

Reaching the room, I covered my eyes and pulled open the door. “I do not want to see any nudity, but Xander, I need you for a sex.”

Oh, shit. Did I really just …

“Sec! I meant a sec!”

Hips were thrust against mine, and the distinct scent of too-much-beer-and-cigarettes wafted up my nose. “Xander!” I pushed at him with my clipboard, still leaving one arm firmly covering my eyes.

“All you had to do was ask, baby.” He laughed, and I
humph
ed and stormed out of there.

“Meet me out the front of the bus ASAP,” I yelled over my shoulder. “Dressed!”

I walked up the bus, past the sound guys who are all sharing a bit of a laugh at my expense.

“I didn’t pick him as your type.”

“Shut up, Michael.” I cuffed him over the head as I walked past. At least the strippers weren’t laughing at me. I guess that was a plus.

Xander met me out the front just seconds later, having left Strawberry-Blonde inside. “So, you wanna discuss the terms of our arrangement?” He flung a sweaty arm over my shoulder and I pushed him off again. There was a big grin on his face, and I knew he was gonna milk this for as long as he possibly could.

“Xander, have you seen Lee?” I folded my arms, pulling my clipboard close against my chest.

“Sure have. Tall guy, blue eyes the ladies go
gaga
over—” He used spirit fingers to emphasise his point, and I cut him off with my glare. “Seriously? Nah. Sam said you guys took him back to the room last night.”

“We did.” I looked up at Sam, but he was tapping away on his phone, oblivious to our conversation. “But I haven’t … heard from him since.”

I didn’t want to tell Xander about our conversation this morning. If anyone knew the real story about Lee’s apparent step over to the dark side, it was going to be Xander.

“Have you tried calling him?” Xan asked, and I shook my head.

“Not yet. I was planning on giving him another five, I just thought I’d check with you first.”

“Oh. Well, what you worried about? He’s probably just a bit hung-over, moving more slowly than usual.” Xander shrugged and turned to hop back on the bus, but I grabbed his arm. He has these amazing, firm biceps, and I dropped my grip in surprise. It did make sense, I guessed. He was the drummer.

“Xan, do you think Lee would have …” I paused, wondering how best to phrase it. “Done anything … bad?”

“Bad?” Xan stepped closer to me, looking over his shoulder at the bus. No one watched when he continued. “What do you mean, bad?”

“Like … I don’t know, what if the reason he’s late is because he’s gotten in trouble with the law, or something? Would that be something he’d do?” I screwed up my nose. It might be a long shot, but I figured it was worth a try.

“Lee?” Xander’s laugh echoed across the underground parking lot, and he all but grabbed his belly in mirth. “Darlin’, Lee Collins is the straightest man I know. I don’t know that he even jaywalks, let alone gets in trouble with the law.”

“Oh, come on …” I hedged, shuffling my feet. “I saw him last night, getting all drunk and letting that chick practically hump him in public. Surely he lets loose every now and then.”

Xander smiled, shaking his head once again. “There’s a difference between breaking the law and …
indulging
our fans. Lee’s not really the kinda guy to be serious about a girl, you know? Although he doesn’t have one every week, or anything.” He narrowed his eyes, paused. “You’re not thinking that maybe—”

“No! God, no!” I held my hands up in protest. “Not even interested in him like that.” At all. Really.

Was I?

I tried to mentally probe my insides, but the usual hurt and physical, sharp pain was still there when I thought of Lachlan. My heart belonged to him. There was no way I was falling for Lee. I couldn’t feel for both of them … could I?

“Ah, good. Trust me, he’s not the serious relationship type.” Something like trouble crossed Xander’s brow, but he kept on speaking. “Anyway, there’s no way Lee is in trouble with the law. Has he ever told you about that document they made us sign when we joined the band?”

I shook my head, no.

“We had to sign paperwork saying we weren’t going to do anything crazy scandalous, you know? Like, no getting arrested, no illegal shit, no drugs …” A wistful look washed over his face, and he ran his hand through his hair. “And that’s why I think we’ve gone so well. Tony’s a smart man; he protected us from ruining ourselves early on. Because God knows, if I thought I could have this and the kinky-arse sex, the drugs some of the other guys do …” He laughed, but there was no mirth to it.