The Problem With Heartache (36 page)

Stepping inside, I looked around. The trailer wasn’t too small, a bed at one end and small table with bench-style seating at the other, opposite a cooker and a small sink. Carly sat on the bed, her hands in her lap. Her arms shook. She was a mess.

“At the table, Collins, not next to my wife,” Ryan snarled, and I blinked.

“Your wife?” I looked at Ryan then at Carly. Sure enough, there on Carly’s hand was a ring, glinting away in the light. “You … you got married.”

“Yep. Road tripped it to Vegas, got hitched, and came home.” Ryan grabbed a bottle of bourbon from the shelf and poured some into three dirty glasses he found by the sink. “That’s why I invited you here. To celebrate
family
.” He sneered, then handed a glass to me and one to Carly, then lifted his own up in the air. “To love!”

I couldn’t take my eyes off Carly. Off the woman I’d thought was mine.

She didn’t meet my gaze. She stared at the floor instead.

Pain roared through my body in a tidal wave, ripping and tearing at my insides, coating them in its thick substance. I’d thought … when she’d come to see me, I’d thought …

Carly lifted her glass to her lips, and I froze.

“Carly … you shouldn’t have that.” I nodded my head toward the drink, and she finally widened her eyes and looked at me, an expression that clearly read
shut up
on her face. That was when it hit me; I knew she was pregnant. But did my brother?

“My wife can have whatever she wants.” Ryan rubbed his big hand across her back and she took a small, nervous sip of the booze, swallowing it down with reluctance. “And she wants me, Lee. She could have had either one of us, but she chose me.”

I leaned back against the seat. She’d chosen … him? But hadn’t told him about the baby? “Carly, can I talk to you outside for a minute?”

One minute Ryan was leaning up against the bed next to Carly, the next he was in my face, his hand gripped around my shirt collar. “You don’t get to talk to my wife alone. Ever. You got that?”

His eyes were wild, and I knew that there was a lot more going on here than just booze and maybe some kind of depression. He was on some serious drugs.

The smart thing to do would be to walk away, to let these people out of my life for good. But one voice wouldn’t leave my mind.
What if that was my baby growing inside her?

Losing Carly was already ripping me in two, but a baby? After what Mom and Dad had been through, giving up their son and having him turn out … like this?

I couldn’t do it.

I wouldn’t.

“Carly, you need to see reason, babe,” I said, ignoring the hand that slowly tightened around my throat. My breath became thick, and I choked out the words, “Think about what I can offer.” I widened my eyes. It was as close to saying
for you and the baby
as I could come without actually letting the words escape my mouth.

“Oh, Mr Famous Rock Star, with all your money,” Ryan sneered, shoving me back against the bench seat so my skull snapped against the wall behind me. Pain shot through my head, couple with an ache in my lungs from the reduced airflow. “Did you know that I lost that contract I was gunning for? The job I told you I’d almost got? It’s because I was late to work, after having my heart ripped in two by my brother.”

Sick worked its way up my throat, and I swallowed, Ryan’s hand too tight around my windpipe. How had this all gone so horribly wrong?

“We were perfectly happy until you came along; we’ll be perfectly happy again when you leave,” he finished, jerking my head back one final time before letting my throat go. I gasped for air, coughing.

“Is that true, Carly?” I stared at her, but once more, her gaze was drawn to the floor at her feet.

“I love him, Lee.” She finally looked up to meet my eyes.

“But I thought we had something,” I choked out. All those times we’d spent together. She’d fallen from a tree.

“I’ve … we’ve been together, on and off, since I was fourteen.” Carly looked up at Ryan, and he smiled down at her. “Things aren’t always perfect, but … I love him. Life with you, all that rock ‘n’ roll stuff … it was always just a fantasy. Just pretend. It would never have lasted.”

Bam.

Kapow.

There it was, like a sucker punch straight to the stomach. Falling in love wasn’t like being wrapped in silk, gently caressing your body. It was being restrained by it, the thick material clogging your pores until you were covered in sweat, writhing to break free.

Sadness washed over me in a hurry, big and strong, and then it curled into a whirlpool in my stomach and came rushing back up. This time, it wasn’t so sad. This time it was furious.

“Well shit, thanks for leading me along,” I spat, pushing to my feet. “Did you ever think that maybe I actually cared for you?”

“Dude, you shouldn’t have gone after someone else’s girl.” Ryan gave my shoulder a small shove.

“I didn’t know she was someone else’s girl,” I yelled, my voice hoarse and on the verge of breaking. Fuck, it hurt. It hurt so damn much. “That’s how much she cared for you, Ryan. So much so that she went on a heap of dates with me, not once mentioning your name.”

“I thought we were just friends, Lee.” Now Carly was on her feet, walking toward us with shaky steps. “I had no idea you were doing this grand romance thing. I even told you I had a guy! Usually, when boys like you, they try and make out with you, or get in your pants. They don’t take you on picnics.”

“Oh, and sleeping together? That’s what you do with all your friends?” I raised my eyebrows.

“I made a mistake, Lee.
Once.
I’d been drinking, and people make mistakes. I’d take it back in a heartbeat if I could. A heartbeat.”

I’d take it back in a heartbeat.

My heart.

It was empty.

Blood poured into it. It pumped it all out, and with it, it washed away all feeling. All desire to care, to love, to put myself out there because what was the point? What was the point when things like this could happen, and the one you thought was your forever could stab you in the gut?

I staggered to the door, pushing past Ryan who watched on with his arms folded, a sneer on his face. “Looks like you don’t get it all, Lee,” Ryan yelled as I walked to the car. Mom watched on through the window, worrying at her lip. “Hi, Mother! Shame you were such a slut you accidentally got pregnant as a teenager!”

I froze and spun around. His middle finger was raised in the air. I looked back at the car. Mom’s face was ashen.

That was when I did it. That’s when I gave Ryan the gun, handed it to him, and while I may not have pulled the trigger, I damn well could have.

Fury raced through my veins, and I said the most spiteful thing I could think of.

“Oh yeah? You know who the real slut is?” I spat. Carly came racing to the door, pulling at Ryan’s arm, trying to get him back inside. “Your wife’s pregnant,
bro
.” I poured scorn into the endearment. “And there’s a pretty good chance it’s mine.”

Present day …

K
ATE LOOKED
at me with confusion in her eyes, her brow furrowed, her hands still holding her legs to her chest. “So you told him Carly was pregnant. And then?”

I frowned at her, my palms facing skyward. “What do you mean and then? That was it. It tipped him over the edge.”

“And you got in a fight?” She screwed up her nose and tilted her head to the side.

“No.” I shook my head. “No, Kate. No.” I gingerly sat down on the edge of the bed, my lips pursed together. “He committed suicide.”

Kate slowly reached out her arm and placed it on my shoulder. This time, I didn’t flinch away. I needed the comfort, even if it were only small. “He did that, Lee. Not you.”

“It may as well have been me.” I shook my head. “I slept with his girlfriend. I could have gotten her pregnant. I had the perfect parents and childhood whereas he grew up abused, watching his mother beaten half to death. I made him lose his big work break. He sent me this letter … Carly sent me this letter … she told me. I may as well have been the one to blow his brains out.”

Silence coated the room, a thick, terse silence that I didn’t want filled. I would never, ever forget my past. I couldn’t.

“When you first told me you’d killer your brother … I’d thought that was unforgivable.” Kate sighed. “But this … this isn’t the same thing, Lee. You made a mistake.
Carly
made an even bigger one.”

“Please, leave her out of this,” I begged, then immediately regretted it when I saw the hurt flash across Kate’s face. “I’m sorry, I … she’s had a hard life, you know? And I … I owe it to her to at least try and make things a little easier. I owe it to Jay.”

Kate didn’t say anything, but her expression said it all. Anger, pain, hurt … they washed over her in waves. Without saying a word, she spoke volumes.

Without saying a word, she made me feel like a total dick.

After a few minutes, Kate grabbed her clothes, the sheet stretching from the bed behind her, and slipped them on. I didn’t know why she bothered to hide—she was truly beautiful naked—but I guess she’d seen enough exposed tonight to not want to expose anything further.

She was too good for me; she was too unique. Too special. And after what she’d gone through with her two exes, what she was still going through with her father … she wasn’t meant to be with me. I’d been an idiot for thinking otherwise.

The best thing I could do was erase her from my life for good.

Especially if I ever wanted to forge a relationship with Jay.

“I’ll organise a severance cheque for you.” The words tumbled out of my mouth and caught Kate frozen.

“What?” she asked, her hands behind her back as she did up her bra.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” I tilted my head to the side.

“Lee, this doesn’t change anything. Unless you don’t want me here.” Kate slipped on her shirt, but there was fire in her gaze, a fury that had been missing before. “You can’t seriously think I would walk away because of something that happened five years ago?”

I shook my head. “It’s not … it’s not just that. I can’t be what you want. I ruined Lottie’s life. That’s why I don’t …” I trailed off.

“You don’t do serious relationships because you feel guilty for ruining hers?” Kate looked at me with wide eyes, then threw her hands in the air. “Unbelievable.”

“Not just hers, Kate. I ruined her relationship with Ryan, sure. I ruined her relationship with me. And then Mom and Dad? They broke up over this, Kate. The pressure was too much,” I said, no concern for volume. “But Lottie was pregnant, and she wouldn’t let me come near her, or the baby. She disappeared, shut me out for three long years! She told me I’d ruined her life. I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“Three years ago, Lee. You’ve not gotten anyone pregnant since, right? Lesson learnt. What’s holding you back?” Kate asked. Her cheeks were red and her hands shaking with rage.

“What isn’t holding me back? I ruined her life; I ruined everyone’s lives, Kate. I
owe
her,” I said. “And now I want the chance to make it up to her. To the both of them.”

“So you won’t be with me because you’re too scared to take a chance, because you don’t deserve to be happy or because you think I’m gonna fuck you over?” Kate spat the words out.

I froze.

Each syllable hit me in my soul like a shot from a gun.

Kate snorted. “I guess not being able to answer is answer enough.”

With that, she stormed toward the door, handbag under her arm. “I need to … I need to go …”

“Kate,” I called as her hand touched the exit. I didn’t want her to leave. I liked her; hell, I liked her so much. She couldn’t go.

But she couldn’t stay.

Lottie had already told me she wouldn’t let me have anyone else. Tonight was proof enough of that.

Because even if we didn’t always like each other, we were meant to be together, Lottie and I.

Kate looked at me expectantly, and I so badly wanted to take her in my arms, to tell her everything would be okay. Then I remembered Lottie’s face when she’d found us together earlier. Then I remembered Jay.
My son or nephew, Jay.

“It’s your room. I should go.” I stood up and grabbed my shirt, walking out the door.

I didn’t make eye contact with her as I passed.

I couldn’t.